Second verse, same as the first

How do I write a compelling column about a virtual rerun week?

Readers, I am in a quandary. The same things happened on GH this week that happened last week. The only thing that changed was the outfits. How do I write a compelling column about a virtual rerun week?

Lisa is still tormenting Robin and Patrick at GH. Steven Weber still kind of believes that Lisa is the innocent party. Patrick still hasn't gotten the clue to change his clothes in the Men's Room instead of the co-ed locker room to avoid Lisa prancing around in front of him in her panties. Robin is still so unpleasant that I'm half rooting for crazy Lisa because at least she's kind of likeable in her basic insanity, whereas Robin is sane, but a... rhymes with witch.

I tweeted that last week and some pro-Robin people came down on me for daring to say such a thing. But seriously, if you were going out to socialize with someone, wouldn't you rather have a beer with Lisa than Robin? You'd just have to be careful not to catch Lisa committing any crimes so she wouldn't have to kill you and stuff you in a hospital supply closet.

Don't hate me, but I find Brianna Brown kind of adorable. She has managed to play Lisa with enough quirky vulnerability that I can't make myself hate her. Lisa has done terrible things, but she's been driven to madness by love, and God knows I've been there before. Not in the "leaving someone in a well to die" kind of way, but in a ... oh wait, I can't confess that yet. Statute of limitations and all. Just kidding. If Lisa got real therapy and if we could forget the fact that she killed someone -- I think I'd actually like to see her end up with Patrick. (Or maybe I'm just saying that because I haven't gotten any hate mail for a while and I'm starved for attention.) I haven't liked the character of Robin for a long time, so yes, I'm biased.

Luke and Tracy are still bickering, and she's still demanding he repay the ten million he stole from her. Really -- what sort of buffoon could lose ten million dollars in two months and come back with nothing to show for it? Luke has many flaws, but he's never been an idiot. The writers have been painting him with the stupid brush, and I don't like it. This is the guy who lived off chunks of the Ice Princess for two decades -- how could he have possibly squandered ten million bucks on summer vacation? Sigh.

So, he's back to faking heart attacks (with about the same amount of grace as Fred Sanford) which will lead to Tracy discovering he's not really sick at some point and the whole ridiculous cycle starting again. Please, please someone; spring Laura from the French Rehab Facility. I will never give up hope of Luke and Laura reconciling for real.

The Balkan is not a Vulcan, although that might be more interesting. All the spoilers say he is someone we know, and my money is still on Jerry Jax. However, several people I respect for hot tips say Jerry is involved, but not the Balkan, just one of his minions...Who would Jerry be scared enough to work for? Franco? Alcazar? Nah, I still think it's Jerry.

Brenda and Dante spent the entire week having flashbacks about each other as if they took the same hit of LSD in the 70's. I *wish* that were true. I wish when I was lost in some romanticized memory of my past, I could call the other participants and say "Hey, were YOU just thinking about the night we all spent on Malibu?" and have them say "Yes!" but that never, ever happens. Then again, I'm no supermodel, and my arms fit in my sleeves.

Supposedly the story is that Brenda and Dante covered up a crime together. If that proves to be true, Dante will be uncovered as a giant hypocrite for all the crap he gave Ronnie about covering up some long ago misdemeanor of Franco's. If it turns out Dante covered up something even worse (could Brenda actually be a murderer?) then Ronnie and Dante are on an even playing field. I don't want them to be; I want Dante to be the better man.

I eagerly anticipated the big Brenda/Carly showdown, but it only lasted about 34 seconds and fizzled like a wet firecracker -- the expected explosion never came. Sure, they had a couple of good snarky zingers, but it didn't last long enough to level anyone. I wanted Brenda to say the line that is true: "I could have Jax or Sonny for the asking." Sure, Jax denies it, but -- he's building her an apartment...because "she's his friend." Yeah, right.

Oh November Sweeps, I am waiting for you like a child waits for Santa on Christmas Eve. Please, Soap Sweeps Santa, bring me a riveting storyline to watch and write about. I promise I'll be good. At least up until sweeps is over.

Readers, don't get my wrong, but I didn't like that gleam in Prince Nikolas' eye when he looked at Siobhan. You can sleep with your brother's woman once and be forgiven, but I don't think Lucky would be able to forgive Nikolas if he had his way with the Irish lassie, too.

Interpol must not have done a very thorough background check on Lucky before they brought him on for this "Top Secret" project. Lulu and Dante know, Luke knows, Ethan knows, Jason knows, Sonny knows, Nikolas knows, and Brook Lynn will know when she gets home and finds a redhead in her living room. Some secret!

If the Balkan IS Jerry Jacks, won't it be a little odd that he'd been doing business with Lucky's doppelganger, Ronan O'Reilly, all this time?

My fear is that we are heading for a repeat of the Metro Court hostage crisis... Jax is building an apartment for Brenda in the hotel; Carly warned Jax about the danger that Brenda's presence would bring to the hotel and even mentioned Jerry by name. I just have a hunch...

Carly has the most convoluted thinking of any character on the show... She shows up at Jason's apartment and kisses him passionately for...what reason? Oh yeah, she wanted him to help her make Jax jealous. But Jax wasn't there to see it, so I think she just wanted to get laid and tried to cover with a lame Carly excuse. She sets Sonny and Claire up on a date -- did she think about what would happen if the date went badly?

I'm troubled by the overall lack of romance on GH the past couple of weeks. Most of the men are obsessed with Brenda, the women are jealous of Brenda, and the closest thing we have had to a romantic scene was Lucky and Siobhan's one-night stand. Dear Writers, pick out one couple to be happy and let them be happy. Just one. You could choose Lulu and Dante, or Spinelli and Maxie, or Brenda and Sonny, or Sam and Jason, or Mac and Alexis -- anyone. Just let someone be happy. Please.

The Brenda storyline would be far more compelling to me if she were involved with Sonny. The two of them fighting the Balkan together would be amazing -- rekindling their romance under fire, high drama, flashbacks -- just your overall soapy deliciousness. But Brenda locked up at Jason's, pacing around alone except for the occasional visitor, hasn't been all that riveting. And I LOVE Brenda. I LOVE Vanessa Marcil -- for Pete's sake, ABC, please give us our happy ending. Oh wait, it's not November yet.

There's a real problem with shows only giving us good storylines during sweeps periods; impatient people tire of waiting for good storylines and stop watching, and ratings plunge. I don't want to lose GH. I don't want to wake up someday and read that it's been cancelled. But when I watch two weeks in a row where virtually nothing new happens, I worry.

But, I am also hopeful -- there is just one week left in the month, November 1st is nearly here. In my humble opinion, General Hospital soars above all other soaps in the Sweeps Storylines every year without fail. We have a phenomenal cast; we have great writers. They just dole all the wonderfulness out to us in small doses for reasons I can't comprehend. I expect next week's column will be exciting and filled with awe and wonder as I describe the masterpiece I have just seen!

On a related note, I saw a masterpiece in Daytime last week, but not on GH. The Bold and the Beautiful aired some beautiful and haunting episodes that showcased the homeless problem in L.A.'s Skid Row and linked it to Stephanie Forrester dealing with a diagnosis of stage fpur lung cancer. I wept openly. If you don't watch B&B, I would urge you to download last week's shows online. Bravo, CBS.

What will happen tomorrow, dear readers? When Maya has to pee, will a real doctor do tests on Luke and realize he's faking? Will Kate Howard ever hire more than two employees to run her fashion magazine? Will anyone ever ask where the Davis girls have been hiding? Will Elizabeth have another meltdown when she discovers both Nikolas and Lucky have moved on? Will Max and Milo leave Sonny's employ to join the WWE? Will Spinelli tell us where he got the cute fuzzy pink lamps for the Divine One? Will Sonny ever invite me to Mob Pasta?