Aruba, Jamaica, ooh i wanna take ya...

When Michael said he felt like he was in jail while he was on Sonny's private island dancing limbo in the sunlight on the beach, I wanted to slap him.

Dear Sonny Corinthos,

My name is Tamilu and I feel I might be in some sort of perilous danger. I would be extremely loyal to you for the rest of my life if you would just let me hide on your private island. I won't try to run away like your belligerent teenage son, I would gamble, drink, and sun myself on your private beach. Heck, I'd even try to limbo, although it would most likely be disastrous considering my bad knee.

If I accidentally bludgeoned someone to death with an axe handle and you opted to take the rap for me, I would trust that you are far wiser than I am when it comes to wiggling out of crimes and let you work your magic without protest. If you get convicted, I won't worry because I know I'll see you at the island before they slap on the cuffs. We could have a delightful time being fugitives together!

In other words, please adopt me. I will be a much better behaved child than Michael or Kristina. But wait, I guess no one really wants to adopt a middle-aged woman. Oh snap!

Seriously readers, when Michael said he felt like he was in jail while he was on Sonny's private island dancing limbo in the sunlight on the beach, I wanted to slap him. But not being Kiefer, I wouldn't actually slap anyone. Sure, I know he's in mental turmoil, but frankly I could ignore the mental turmoil with a couple of Mai Tais in me.

Claudia's death and the aftermath are getting to be quite a pickle for Sonny and Jason, which, of course, is their own doing. Had they gone to the police immediately instead of the big cover-up, none of this would have happened. Lesson: always choose the truth! Stalker Extraordinaire Claire continues to bully and badger all the witnesses for both sides in hotel lobbies, apartments people don't even actually live in yet, fine dining establishments, and, of course, in their living room. Next week I expect to see her standing outside the shower with a towel waiting for Jason to dry off.

When I asked for legal advice in my last column, several legal eagles replied and satisfied my curiosity. I will quote a reader named "Hope" who answered all my burning questions:

"I am a prosecutor and love your column. To answer your questions, it is illegal for the prosecutor to talk to the Defendant when he has an attorney. Witnesses (including those on Defendant's side) may talk to you or not -- it's their choice. Certainly, you can't trespass in their home and/or refuse to leave if asked. Also, as to setting up various scenarios, it is ill-advised, as you could potentially make yourself a witness and then you would have to get off the case. The local police will generally work with FBI if needed, but the FBI don't come in and boss them around. Sonny could be charged with obstructing justice, tampering with evidence and abuse of a corpse (which could get him max 15 years in Ohio). I'm sure the prosecutor would want to give him as much as possible since he gets away with everything else."

So, that's the official legal word, my sincere thanks to Hope from the great Buckeye state for educating us.

Claire is like a bulldog, but she can't decide which bone she wants to fight over. First, she reminded Sonny and Carly that Michael was 18 and a legal adult and warned them that if he failed to appear in court, he would be held in contempt. Four seconds later, she tried to serve his subpoena to Carly and Sonny as though he was a minor and needed them to act as his guardians. But her first statement was correct; Michael is an adult and has not been served, so ostensibly he doesn't even know he is supposed to appear in court.

Claire isn't faring much better with Dante, who is still obviously struggling with his testimony. If Jason wouldn't have busted in and stopped Sonny, I am sure Sonny was about to tell Dante that Michael was in fact Claudia's accidental killer. I feel certain if Dante knew the truth, he would protect his father and his brother. (Well, of course, Dante and Michael are not brothers genetically speaking, but that's what we are calling him for storyline purposes.)

Did anyone but me notice how hard it was for Sonny to actually lie to Dante? When Dante asked Sonny to tell him the "real" story, Sonny told the story as it happened, but replaced Michael's name with his own and added that he didn't know his own strength. As he said the words, he somewhat choked them out and turned his eyes away from Dante at the key moment. Dante! Aren't you a student of body language? That's a key tell of a liar!

While we are supposed to be worried for Sonny, frankly, I'm not. I feel no suspense because we all know Sonny isn't going to get life in prison for murder. Either evidence will disappear or Michael will somehow escape his 22 body guards to sail home and confess. Or perhaps Franco will anonymously mail the photo of Michael standing over Claudia to Mac to spite Jason for not drinking lemonade with him. Or perhaps Sonny will go to prison, get Anthony for a cellmate, and the two of them will pull a Shawshank Redemption-style escape and meet on the beaches of Puerto Rico.

You might have noticed that I had several columns running where I said nothing snarky at all about GH because during sweeps week the show was just breathtaking. But now, sweeps are over and I'm starting to fluctuate between boredom and aggravation again. However, I know we still have two big revelations coming, so I am being as patient as I ever am. We still don't know who the father of Elizabeth's baby is, and Dante still doesn't know Michael killed Claudia. I'm anticipating good scenes when both of those answers are revealed. But, back to now...

In order to get to the place where Kristina could pin a false charge of domestic violence on Ethan, the writers had to write in a scene where charming rogue Ethan morphs into an abusive monster without any real provocation. Fail!

That's simply bad writing. In writing a show like GH, my belief is that the key to keeping a soap audience engaged is to make us root for characters. Over the course of time, we get to know them and know how they will respond to certain situations. So, the writers must in turn know their characters as well as we do and write their scenes in such a way that it is believable to viewers.

Ethan roughly grabbing Kristina by the arm and manhandling her so much it bruised her arm was all wrong. That's not who Ethan *is*. We know that, so why don't the writers? The only time we saw Ethan get angry before is when Nikolas was stringing Rebecca along. Ethan got angry on Rebecca's behalf and defended her. That makes him a hero and a gentleman. But to suddenly ask us to believe that Ethan would snap and rough up a 16-year-old in a public casino because she canceled his date with someone he's only known for a week doesn't ring true.

(Side note; I also had a hard time buying the premise that an 11-year-old, even one as smart as Molly, was able to hack into two different people's computers, figure out their passwords, and send fake e-mails from each of them to the other to cancel a date. That's a serious reach.)

All that having been said, I know this is a story that needs telling. The statistics on teen violence that GH has shared as PSAs are staggering. I applaud GH for addressing the issue. However, just like when Robin had an HIV pregnancy, instead of actually addressing that issue, they are taking a side route. Rather than the actual abuser, Kiefer, getting his comeuppance, we instead have to watch Ethan take the blame for a crime he didn't commit.

It's sad to me when they get so close to getting it right and then miss the mark. They are on the edge of a groundbreaking storyline, but instead of taking it head-on, they chickened out. But perhaps I am too quick to judge-- the storyline isn't over yet, so Kiefer might still get what's coming to him before he heads off to Harvard to beat another girl. Let's just say that Franco is anxiously waiting for Jason to kill someone, and I wouldn't be surprised if Kiefer ends up on the wrong end of his gun.

Ethan is going to have multiple battles to fight now...First, the green card issue, which will be complicated by the criminal accusations. (Tracy offering to divorce Luke and marry Ethan was priceless comedy.) Second, the fact that if Sonny believes Ethan hit his daughter, all deals he made with Luke about Ethan being under his protection will be rendered null and void. Third, his unlikely partnership with Johnny Zacharra will be put to the test. I hope this isn't all a roundabout way to get rid of Ethan, as I've grown fond of him. The brotherly bonding scenes he had with Lucky a few weeks back were very endearing.

His sister, Lulu, is blissfully unaware of the trouble about to befall her brother, as she is knee deep in Kate madness and sexual frustration. While I am thrilled to see Kate back on the canvas, I have a sneaking suspicion that we are going to be robbed of the scenes we were anticipating. Here are the two main scenes I want to see: Kate telling Olivia "I told you so!" and Sonny ripping Kate a new one for knowing all these years he had a son and never telling him.

Kate and Sonny were engaged and about to be married, as you may recall. The only reason Olivia ended up in Port Charles in the first place was after Sonny invited Olivia to attend his and Kate's wedding. And like most bad guests, Olivia didn't know when to leave and stayed in town long after the wedding was called off. But Kate and Sonny were *thisclose* to tying the knot, and she withheld that giant secret from him, and I really would like to see that play out. I haven't seen Sonny throw a wine bottle at the wall for a really long time.

Dante and Lulu have tried repeatedly to consummate their love, and now, months later, still haven't sealed the deal. I know the writers are having fun with the "will they or won't they" game, but frankly I'm quite bored with it. Either let them be lovers or break them up, but let's not have two more months of interrupted encounters, please...I love this couple together. Let them be happy for at least 5 minutes. I suppose the next interruption will be Maxie collapsing from pneumonia while they are in Lulu's bedroom trying to do it, and they have to dress and run out when they hear a Maxie-sized "Thud!" in the next room.

I understand the writers had to write Bradford Anderson's real life injury into the script, so I will refrain from whining too much about the "drag Maxie into the sewer to catch a fake serial killer" plot. On short notice, maybe that's the only idea they had. Maxie's pneumonia is just an added bonus, I guess. It kind of seems like one of those "Hey! I know! We could make Maxie get cold and catch pneumonia!" and all the other people say "Yeah! That sounds good!" Or maybe I'm wrong and this is where Ghost Georgie is going to appear to Maxie? Dunno.

However, no free pass on the Patrick/Robin/Sleeza storyline. Sleeza can't seem to keep her top on. Can you imagine any work circumstance where it would be appropriate to discuss an office matter in your bra and panties with a fellow employee? No, me neither. I watch three soaps, and there is one character on every show that makes me nauseous when they appear, and on GH it's Sleeza. Okay, her name is actually Lisa but I thought Sleeza in my head and it made me laugh and hoped it would make you laugh, too.

It's clear the writers want to tank Robin and Patrick's marriage. The writers gave us a full day of Robin and Patrick fighting about whether or not he should go have a beer after work. If I wanted to hear inane arguments like that I'd go listen to...any married couple on Earth. But TV shows are supposed to be entertaining, and this direction doesn't entertain me.

Something did surprise me this week - while most of my mail showed that many of you hate Lisa as much as I do, there were a growing number of "I hope Lisa DOES break up Robin and Patrick because they are boring!" kind of letters. That surprised me as, from mail I have gotten over the years, I thought "Scrubs" was pretty universally loved as a couple. Seems not so much!

I'm also rooting for Liz and Lucky, but I know just as many of you are rooting for Liz's baby to belong to Nikolas. The counseling session with Liz/Lucky/Nik and Lainey gave Liz a chance to explain to Lucky that her fling with Nikolas began as a game to make him and Rebecca jealous. I bet that made Lucky feel so much better. I translated that as "It's your fault I slept with your brother in a roundabout sort of way, Lucky."

How will this all unfold? I would go to Vegas right now and wager my worldly possessions that the first paternity test results Liz sees will be tampered with by someone. Just a hunch, but a strong one. Helena will lie, or Nick will find out Helena lied and just let Liz think the baby is his so she will stay with him, or some such nonsense. I feel it in my bones.

What will happen tomorrow, dear readers? Will Sam and Jason realize how great they look in white and decide to stay on the island indefinitely so they can dress snappy? Will people stop eating at the Metro Court so they don't have to hear Carly bickering with people over dinner? Will Olivia and Sonny ever have a different conversation than "You should have told me"/"I did the right thing and I'd do it again!" Will Ronnie realize he and Dante don't work together anymore, and he's no longer Dante's boss or laundry partner? Will Kate still demand Maxie come to work when she's in the GH oxygen tent fighting for her life? Will Kristina keep wearing that sparkly party dress even after Kiefer beats her up in it? Will Dante actually sign the lease on the loft before he does Lulu on the floor, or will other people who come to view the place have to step over them?