B-b-b-bad to the bone

Have you spent months planning for a gala wedding and then cancelled at the last minute, leaving all the grand plans in a spiral notebook on your floor? If so, then you probably could be a writer for GH.

Have you ever gone to the grocery store and bought gourmet ingredients for a fabulous Thanksgiving meal and then just got lazy and didn't cook it? Have you spent months planning for a gala wedding and then cancelled at the last minute, leaving all the grand plans in a spiral notebook on your floor? If so, then you probably could be a writer for GH. They did a lot of that this past year. Lots of build up and careful planning followed by....nothing.

For instance...Mr. Craig, the brutal and demonic Metro Court hostage taker, turned into the affable scoundrel Jerry Jacks. Now, he has recently morphed into the secret and previously unheard of mob king Mr. Moreau, who apparently just killed Epiphany's son Stan. So they thought about serving ham, but no, maybe standing rib roast, but no, let's just make a turkey. They can't decide who or what they want Jerry to be. There is a wealth of history for Jerry Jacks, if he IS Jerry Jacks, like the fact that he was madly in love with and engaged to Bobbie, but hasn't so much as said Hello to her since returning to town.

Then there's the trashing of Sam McCall. Sam went from being a likable con artist who pulled a few scams to support her mentally challenged brother Danny, to a conniving and calculating shrew. Supposedly, in Sam's past, she targeted rich men for their money, married them, and either left town with their fortunes, or in the case of Amelia's Dad, killed them. How one woman could have done so many things in such a short time, under so many assumed identities is beyond me. Kelly Monaco is a talented lady, but the writers didn't give her much to work with this year. Her character has become nearly irredeemable, peaking with the night Sam watched baby Jake get kidnapped without saying a word while his frantic parents searched for days in terror. The audience doesn't like Sam anymore, but it's not because of Kelly Monaco's acting, it's because the writers stopped writing her as a heroine and made her a "biotch" instead.

The Samantha of yore was always fully loyal to Jason, risking her life more than once for him, fighting for him when he had a brain tumor (or whatever ailed his brain) and suddenly went ice cold and seems hell bent on wrecking his life. Sure, she has a fling going on with Lucky, but it is merely pity/revenge sex for both of them in my mind. Lucky has been rewritten as well, from the gentle soul who used to compose love songs on his guitar to Elizabeth back in the Jonathan Jackson era, to a drug addicted creep who was going to try to take Liz's kids away from her for revenge. *sigh*

I heard you scanning your brains back there... Amelia, Amelia...who? Oh yeah, the woman who came to town to get revenge on Sam for her Dad's death. But when her portrayer got a gig on 24 the whole plot was dropped as well as Sam's stupid Everyday Heroes show. Of course we are told from time to time she is off "on location" but back at the get go, she had Paparazzi following her every place. Now she can roam around town freely without a single camera pointed her direction. So, she DOES have a hit TV show, or she does NOT have a hit TV show? Pick an answer and play that out, if you please.

And for the worst trend in Daytime across the board - killing off and firing veterans. Think about how ludicrous it would be if this trend caught on in Primetime. "Tonight, on House - House gets killed by an unnamed serial killer in this dramatic episode meant to make you forget the studios are canning Hugh Laurie because he wants a raise." "Tonight on The Office, Michael Scott and Dwight Schrute decide to move to London to open a branch of Dundler Mifflin in the UK, and 2 new teen actors you have never heard of who are really cute but can't act are taking over the show. Ludicrous.

The worst use of this tactic shall be known as 'The Great Night Shift Debacle' (TGNSD). ABC and SoapNet aired a sister show of sorts to GH which aired only on SoapNet. It featured some core characters from GH, as well as introducing new characters. The storylines did synch up on the two shows. For instance, on GH, Jason was in jail for the murder of Alcazar, while on Night Shift he had been given community service mopping up the hospital for taking the blame for accidentally shooting Spinelli in the foot. (Yeah right, that's a column in itself.)

People who watched both shows were at first confused, and then bored. By the time Night Shift ended, a giant snore was heard around the U.S. as people who tuned in with great anticipation at the outset tuned out just as feverishly. To only make matters worse, TGNSD grew as all its loser characters were dumped at the lobby of GH proper, with no explanation. Many viewers who live in areas where SoapNet is unavailable began flooding my mailbox with letters like "Who is that doctor with the greasy hair?" "Where did that new blonde nurse come from?" "Who is that bald guy talking to Lainey?" - Viewers who hadn't seen Night Shift were basically alienated from GH by an influx of strangers.

To make matters worse, as The Powers That Be shoved new and unwelcome characters down our throats, they began systematically killing off beloved characters. So we lose Alan, Emily and Georgie, (even poor Leticia) and get to keep Dr. Ford, No Name Nurse and Leyla? Not an even trade. But no one's listening. I have gotten piles of letters, as have other soap columnist, and most likely ABC itself, begging them to stop, and yet - the deaths continue.

Of course, they have other ploys to rid us of the characters we adore, like sending Dillon off to college, having Mac, Ned, Monica, Bobbie (Jackie Zeman downgraded after 30 years to non-contract?!?!?!), and Lesley only appear for weddings and funerals, Mike at least gets to serve a bowl of chili occasionally. Latest rumor says that we are going to lose the beautiful Robyn Christopher as Skye Quartermaine. It's a chicken/egg question... Is she moving back East because she has no storyline on GH, or is GH not giving her a storyline because they knew she was moving back East? In either case, it's sad to consider losing another beloved character.

Has anyone seen Mollie and Kristina lately? No, neither have I. Not since she was trying to keep her kids from finding out she had cancer, months ago. I had a sister who died of lung cancer 2 years ago in January. I wish with all my heart she had just woken up one day cancer free, as Alexis did, but that didn't happen. Alexis' cancer storyline was powerful, but dropped without explanation. Is she in remission? Was she healed? Did I miss her cure while I was on vacation? Dunno. All I know is she seems fit and healthy, her hair is luscious, she's back at work, and the kids she fought so hard to get custody of have vanished again. You know, lots of viewers are very critical of Carly, but a least we know she actually sees and speaks to her kids every day.

Except of course while she was out trying to find Jax as he was being held hostage and raped by Jerry's crazy ex Irina, who was apparently the embodiment of the cartoon Natasha from the Bullwinkle cartoon, or at the very least they shared the same corny vaguely foreign accent. If I had to pinpoint the exact worse moment of 2007, this storyline would be it. It failed on every level, not to mention it was disgusting.

For days we were tormented watching as Irina had Jax beaten up by her thugs, and then climbing all over him telling him she was going to kill him, followed by her forcing him into sex by threatening his loved ones. I polled some of my male friends to see if that was even possible - could a woman force a man to "perform" under duress? They assured me that if a scantily clad woman was writhing around in their laps, they would indeed be able to perform even if they loathed said woman... Who knew?

Way back when Jerry told Carly the sad tale about his downfall, he blamed his transformation from Jax's troubled but charming brother into Evil Hostage Taker on the fact that he snapped when he betrayed his 'One True Love' Irina to spare his own life. It sounded hokey, but okay, I was able to suspend my disbelief that much. I know a tragedy can leave a person changed. But then when we finally MET Irina, she was AWFUL. Why would Jerry have loved a psycho like that to begin with? No idea whatsoever. I was very happy when he squeezed the air out of her.

Jerry aside, everyone else is apparently in love with Lulu. She must emit a steady stream of pheromones. Or maybe Luke bought her a bottle of Love Potion #9 for Christmas. Or maybe her phone # is 867-5309. Most likely it's the Smurfette Syndrome as she's the only girl left in town. Lulu has been courted by Dillon, Milo, Spinelli, Logan, and Johnny, and sometimes all at once. While I recognize that she's a very pretty girl, what is the likelihood that 5 men would all fall in love with the same chick in a 3 month span of time? Of course, it will be extremely difficult for the boys to find other girlfriends since TPTB keep killing off all the young lovelies.

One way to make the community safer would be for Nikolas Cassadine to torch Wyndemere. He could blame it on his brain tumor. People have been dying in that joint for years, Emily is just the latest. Of course Emily was supposed to die there years before, but thankfully for her, Summer the hooker wore the same coat. (I know it's freakish that I remember crap like that, but I just do.) It's just a death trap. Nik should sell it off on e-Bay and buy himself a nice condo downtown.

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A few more random things I hated. Michael turning into Mini Me Sonny and wanting to be a mobster. The lack of any lasting passionate genuine romance...Lucky stopping by Sam's for a quickie in the hot tub, or Jason and Liz having a quickie in a safe house does not a romance make. Jax and Carly are teetering on having a real relationship, but Carly is lying to him about trying to get pregnant. Sonny and Kate can't find a world in which they both fit. Maxie loves Coop, but he may be a serial killer, Georgie was crushing on Spinelli but he didn't notice, Jerry and Alexis flirt, Skye and Ric flirt, Alice and Luke flirt. Tracy and Luke bicker, but have a pretty decent foundation these days, Nikolas and Emily had a great romance, but now only his brain tumor sees her as she is dead, Patrick and Robin still love one another but can't get past the baby issue. C'mon ABC, can you give us 1 happy, stable couple? One love story that isn't dependent on gunfire and danger? Ditch Leyla and reunite Robin and Patrick, or bring Anna and Noah back having eloped in Vegas, or bring Laura out of her coma again to save Luke, or let Jason quit the mob so he can be Jake's dad and Liz's husband, or...something less violent. Please?

What will happen tomorrow dear readers? Will Liz's new place burn down when Cam lights the trash on fire which I only know as they have shown that preview 14,000 times? Will Nikolas keep seeing Emily in new outfits every day like a ghost Barbie doll? Will Luke have any more trips into the afterlife while smoking an obviously acid laced cigar? Will Dan pass out that my column is in two days early? Will Anthony Zacharra bust out of the mental ward when the roses bloom in Spring? Will Sonny be permanently banned from NYC Art Galleries?

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