And so it goes...Crying Papa Valentin is BACK: General Hospital Two Scoops for the week of March 17, 2024

Oh, the tears that were shed in our living room when General Hospital's Valentin Cassadine took off for parts unknown with teenage daughter Charlotte in tow last summer. Was that the last we would ever see of our singing, piano-playing, French-speaking super spy criminal boyfriend? He whose tears flow like a waterfall at the drop of a hat. How could he be gone?

Well, folks, he's back, mustache and all, taking us in a time machine to his early days as Theo the Caretaker on Cassadine Island. It's time Port Charles has some of that Cassadine charm back in its midst, even if he is in desperate need of a shower. So, Scoopers, let's dig in cause there's a lot to unpack.

Cry me a river, my funny Valentin...

Did we really think dear Papa Valentin would ever let his little girl go for too long? Those tears he shed as Anna and Jason whisked Charlotte off to safety in Port Charles should have been the dead giveaway. There was no way he could stay away. Besides, he took one look at Anna Devane and he was toast.

Yes, hardened criminal spy Valentin fell for Anna Devane because she is Anna Devane, but his old pal hardened criminal spy Jack lost his heart and senses to Carly Spencer. Carly Spencer? Valentin knows he has much more refined tastes. (Let's forget his one-night stand with Brook Lynn that will never ever make any sense).

Valentin's departure and Vanna's breakup (after a brief makeup) last summer never made any sense. This was a six-year slow-burn romance. Anna and Valentin had about two months of happiness before Valentin was suddenly a villain again. But to us, he was never a villain. He was just...complicated...and still is.

Valentin might deal in illegal arms, poison people, attempt to strangle his enemies, and switch out bipolar meds...but he's just misunderstood. Let's not forget he is also the man who serenades the ladies he loves as he tickles the ivories (even Fisher-Price ones) and softly croons Billy Joel love songs. He is the same man who bawled in a hospital bed after learning Bailey Lou wasn't his (heck, she wasn't even Brook Lynn's). He broke down in a puddle of tears by Anna's bedside when she was shot, and it was Anna's face and voice that saved him when his own diabolical father tried to kill him in a sci-fi chamber filled with a world-ending toxin.

Valentin is the son of Helena and Victor Cassadine. We can't expect much from him, but we know he tries. It's not like he actually meant to kill Carly. That was a whoops moment he never expected. And did he really do anything that bad? How many people has Sonny killed in cold blood (Jagger Cates, anyone? — and just last fall)? Sonny is still the town hero who we all must revere and we do. Can we just revere Valentin too? At least he speaks French.

There has to be some sort of soap opera legal loophole that sets him free to roam about town again. It happened a few years back when our dear weeping boyfriend was sent to The Hague. What's a little espionage or whatever the heck Valentin has been up to? (Do the writers even know?)

Polonium? Really? During the never-ending night

Carly is a complicated GH character. You either love her, hate her, or love to hate her. Many non-Carly fans were cheering Valentin on, but the truth is she is vital to the show and it was pretty clear Carly wasn't going to die. But polonium? Shouldn't she have been in much worse shape even after getting the antidote?

Plus, how long was this night anyway? It began on Thursday, March 13 — and ended a week later. And what happened during this night? Let's see...Jack brought Lulu to the airfield to fetch Charlotte, with Carly encouraging Lulu to trust Jack. Lulu brought her home and Charlotte reunited with Rocco. Lulu also had a late-night visit from Dante and a late-night visit from Chase.

Valentin broke into Sonny's house and then tried to break into Laura's place. He later made it to the pier, was nearly killed, and was placed under arrest. This was after he poisoned Carly's champagne, which she drank after having sex with Jack. The same Jack who had already been at the airfield in the dead of night. After Carly was poisoned, he got her to the hospital and cured in record time thanks to Robin Scorpio's brilliant scientific mind.

Not only was Carly all better, but she seemed none the worse for wear after declaring she'd never felt worse in her life. Polonium is also a nerve agent. Shouldn't Carly have any lasting effects from it just hours later? How does one recover from polonium poisoning in half an episode? Please make it make sense.

Did Jason just defy Sonny...again???

This little plot point may have flown under the radar, but Sonny sent Jason to the pier with specific instructions to make sure Jack finished the job and killed Valentin. Jason could have stopped Anna from doing the legal thing by arresting Valentin. He could have easily made sure Valentin died, but he didn't do as Sonny demanded. Instead, he decided to work with Valentin to bring down Jack. That's not what Sonny said to do. Could we be seeing even more growth from Jason Morgan? Remember, he does not have to live in the Q house now because Scout is no longer there, so she is not with Danny anyway. He chooses to live there because this is a very different Jason than the one we've seen for the last three decades.

Spy School Adventures With Josslyn Jacks

Thanks for the reminder that Joss is off in Spy School with some more gratuitous one-on-one scenes with the Jagger-Dex hybrid known as Vaughn. We know. Josslyn's life will never be the same again and her handler has to toughen her up. we will probably be reminded of this once a week until May sweeps. Yawn.

Can we steal Brook Lynn's husband? Would she mind?

Was this the week to swoon over Port Charles men or what? Between Valentin and Chase, it was something else, that's for sure. We had dashing Valentin looking like he was in need of a shower declaring that he knew Anna still loved him.

Then, we had the most unusual of soap opera men — one who doesn't walk away from a woman just because they learned a secret from her past. A normal soap man would have learned their wife had a baby with his BFF when his wife and BFF were teens and declared the marriage over and done. But not our Harrison Chase.

Sure, he had his initial shocked outrage, but it was subdued and measured. He didn't even blame Brook Lynn. Instead, he defended her and put looney Lulu in her place. While we are happy that Lulu has her daughter back, maybe she should focus on that and stay out of Brook Lynn and Chase's business. Chase throwing her long-standing flagrant disregard for the law in her face was the icing on the cake. So, um, Brook Lynn, can we have him? You won't miss him, right?

Can someone just shoot Drew already?

How many more anvils have to drop before the bullets start flying? Everyone hates Drew (except dumb dumb dumb Willow), Portia has mused about his death, Ava is sure his house of cards will fall, Laura can't wait for him to get his, Curtis is just waiting things out, and Nina is rifling through his safe looking for anything to knock him off his pedestal. We just need someone to try to take him out already if this soap is gonna soap.

Port Charles odds and ends

Is there anything more delightful than three of your all-time favorite soap actors standing on one set giving masterfully witty and real performances? Marty and Tracy are everything we never knew we needed but now have. Either give them their own spin-off or find a way to get Marty out of his extradited alimony problem ASAP so we can have our greatest gift back.

Didn't Sonny and Laura already reconnect and make up last fall after Sam died and Lulu still lingered in her coma? We distinctly remember some warm scenes in the hospital waiting area. They even discussed the fact that they missed one another and were sorry Sonny's criminal lifestyle got in the way of their friendship. So, explain this week and why we had the same scenes again.

Molly and Cody are cute. We think. We haven't actually seen them together enough to form a solid opinion on whether this odd pairing could work or not. If GH really wants them to work, we need to see them more, especially since Molly has become the much more likable sister over the last year.

Kristina is...just make it end. The girl fell out the window last July. We thought the trial would make her see reality. In fact, it did make her see reality. She even flashed back to tripping over the duffel bag while on the stand. So, she knows Ava didn't push her. But, over and over and over again we have to listen to her drone on about her daughter who was also TJ's daughter and meant to be Molly's daughter. Ava didn't kill your daughter who wasn't your daughter, Kristina. You fell over some luggage. It was tragic, it was horrible, but it was an accident. It is also a soap opera so a few keystrokes can fix this mess any time now...

If we are going to do Lucky and Elizabeth again, can they please unpack the years of painful history between them? There are multiple reasons they have not been together for more than a decade and it's not just Lucky's tendency to take off for years at a time. Let them work through that before settling them into a lackluster B-plot romance with almost no conflict. As we said in the above paragraph, this is a soap opera so let's get soapy.

Till next week, Scoopers. Maybe Valentin will escape the clink and break out the piano again...