Love -- the kind you clean up with a mop and bucket

Stupid Cupid! It seems like no one will find "happily ever after" in Salem after last week. Nope, Sweeps is not being kind to anyone, it seems. Let's look at the winners, um, losers in love in this week's forlorn DAYS Two Scoops!

I have an important question to start with. No. Seriously. It's legit. Does anyone know how to reduce redness from a palm print on one's forehead? I accidentally smacked myself too hard when Nicole thought it was a good idea to trust the lone Greek police officer in the sketchy dark alley. Like, that hurt the inside and outside of my head. I just. I just can't. Her actions can only be expressed by Roman. Take it, good sir:

I'm really surprised Nicole wasn't wearing a nighty and cooking up some Jiffy Pop. Maybe she should have called out, "Is anyone there?" Come on, Nicole, you're better than the dummy in the horror movie who goes back to the house. Not cool. I mean, sure, her heart was in the right place. There's that nugget. So, she's been re-abducted. Guh-reat.

Speaking of "hearts in the right place," Theo outed himself as Wyatt's Cyrano. Ciara knows almost everything now. Sure, it ended on that cliffhanger, but you can tell Ciara was crushed just from the initial gut-punch. I was, too, and was worried this would be the outcome, especially once the writers decided to fast-track Wyatt's shadiness. Boo. Just boo all around. I wanted more for Bope's youngest. As it stands, with Vivian Jovanni's DAYS dwindling fast, it looks like Ciara will leave defeated and broken. So. Much. Boo. Take it again, Roman...

Also in messy "Love News," Joey had a charming date with Li'l Reese Witherspoon. I think her name was Alicia. Does it matter? Jade scared her away. Jade has a way of doing that. I know I don't want to be around her. Too bad Tripp doesn't feel the same way...

You see, I was SO looking forward to an Adrienne and Tripp scene. Then it happened. And now I'm disappointed. Adrienne's awesomeness (and partial storytelling) just kind of paved a way for more of Tripp's suspicions of Kayla, thanks to Jade. Jade. Ugh. I feel beaten over the head by this storyline already.

Look, I get that Tripp doesn't know entirely who to trust, but I thought Tripp was smarter than this. The gal was just cut off by the Johnson family. You think she might be a little bitter, Tripp? Think, son, think. Either way, his suspicions of Kayla are being laid on thick, not unlike the way Wyatt was painted a mooching d-bag within a few scenes. Just an FYI -- we can handle subtlety, dear writers.

Also filed under "Not-so-subtle," the Eli/Gabi/Chad/Abigail/Dario fiasco blew up into a full-blown Greek tragedy. Umm, did I say, "Greek tragedy?" It was more like a clown rodeo. Let's break this down:

Despite his initial bravado and maroon blazer, Eli said sayonara to Gabi. He's not into being second best, you know, despite dating her while knowing she was in love with Chad because Gabi told him and he claimed he would make her forget Chad. You know, besides that. I respect Eli's self-worth. Go him.

Gabi, however, is sad Eli broke up with her. She felt something for him. I saw that, too, but she's also still being kidnapped and held at knifepoint with Chad. I mean, that's their thing. They bond in strange places under duress. And baseball flashbacks. Those two things certainly mean they're a power couple right!? Did I overuse "Ugh" yet, because another one could easily end this paragraph.

Then there's Chad. Everyone loves to tell him to fight for Abigail. Gee, I bet Chad is kicking himself for not thinking of that himself. Srsly, Salemites, back off Chad on this one. Sans this storyline being sixty shades of suspect and suck, Chad really didn't do anything wrong. He thought his wife died and moved on. Then his not-so-dead wife came back, his heart was still torn, she respected herself enough not to want half his heart, and she left him. She left him. Yeah, more Salemites need to get that memo and knock off the "Chad fight for your woman" routine.

As for Abigail, I respect that she thought she was doing the right thing. And she was. I wouldn't want a half-hearted spouse, either. Though it's her post-divorce decisions that have me worried. Actually, Jennifer told Abigail that divorcing Chad was her "worst decision ever." You know, Jen told Abigail that; Abigail being the woman who just returned from the dead last year after faking her death. Right. Though, Jen might reconsider the "Worst Decision Ever Award" she handed Abs after she hears there's going to be a wedding soon. Oh, boy! More on that later...

LOOSE ENDS: Welcome back (again), John! It's always great to see Drake Hogestyn, especially now, knowing he's well enough to work again. Drake kind of broke my heart when John said to Brady, "I love you, son."

Isn't it time for Isabella's ghost to pay a visit? Brady really needs her. As do DAYS fans who still love Izzy-Bee.

Aww, cute! Someone brought a Chloe-shaped piata to the party. Both Justin and Lucas lined up to take a few whacks at her. That all seemed rather productive.

I'm on board for Chloe getting a gig in Salem. Doug and Claire need to sing backup. Just putting that out there.

Chloe was just awarded custody of an infant but said that her life is too much of a mess to bring Parker to Salem. Vintage Roman, the stage is yours:

At least when Kate said Hope needs to butt out of Chad's life, she realized (and joked) that she was being a hypocrite. I would have been more upset with Kate's Kateness had Andre not been there to hilariously call her out. Love these two!

I also love that Sonny wants to sit at the big boys table. I do. And I do believe he is a solid choice to someday take over all things Titan. However, when Sonny tries to put on his tough guy 'tude, I just suspect if someone tickled his tummy, he'd start giggling. He's about as badass as a Care Bear. That's okay in my book. The world needs more sweet and cuddly and less d-bags (looking at you, Deimos).

Come on, Desi, Lucy, err, Gabi just wants to be part of the show, err, investigation. I get their point. She's an untrained civilian. Wait! Isn't Sonny an untrained civilian, too? Whoops. Stupid logic. I'll shut up.

I like that Jennifer and Rafe are working together on the Halo drug case. Jen is always her best in investigative mode. And just who is this Candyman!?

HOT Eli said of Lani, "Sometimes you're not so bad." Yes, that! I hope the Lani we saw last week is the Lani we keep going forward. If so, I'll be thrilled. She was all shades of "Girl Power!" She gave great advice to both Eli (about Gabi) and J.J. (about Abigail). She was strong. And she was pretty funny. Yes, this is so the version of Abe's daughter I want to hang out with. More, please!

NOT Dario. Deportation storyline. Deceiving Abigail. As the Spice Girls would sing, "Stop right now, thank you very much." Or as TWO sorta-Romans would say:

LINE OF THE WEEK Lani (to Eli): "I love hearing two guys argue over how a woman should behave." #yougogirl!

RANDOM THOUGHTS Oh, my Oikos! Yes, please! A classic move night with Kate and Andre!? I repeat, "Yes, please!"

Steve giving Joey a pep talk about the blind date was cute! I adore Stephen Nichols and James Lastovic's chemistry. Though, when Steve told Joey that Kayla thought he was "a catch," the mean, horrible part of me wanted Steve to add, "You're a real lady killer." Too soon?

Thank goodness we got a Chad and Abigail montage as well as an Abigail and Dario one. I mean, I had no idea these characters knew each other.

When Nicole was figuring out where to go with Holly while on the plane, why didn't she reach out to John, Victor, or even Brandon or Taylor? Or Taylor's magical scarf. Ugh. I still hate that scarf. If you don't remember, congrats! Move to "Go" and collect $200.00.

Eli's maroon jacket. It was part, "Okay, you can work that look." And part, "Can you tell me where seat number 23B is, and can I get some popcorn?"

Sorry, Justin and Lucas, but I was more excited to see Adrienne back. Love her. Though Adrienne's scenes with Lucas were rather sweet, and I'm glad there's some follow-up on her recovery. You know, "some."

I actually shouted at my TV, "Dear God, Gabi, don't touch the cursed amulet!" And then I laughed.

Xander thought he still had Holly. Eric said to him, "You better guess again, buddy." That was pretty hilarious, though Dario telling Myron, "Don't call me buddy," still might be my favorite use of the word lately.

So, Steve likes to record things. Hmm. Did anyone picture him writing in a pink faux fur-covered book, "Dear Diary, Tripp and I both love root beer. Progress! Talk to you lates. Love, Patchy XOXO."

I didn't take Rafe for a mineral water kinda guy.

Not-so-poor, but poor Tripp! He only gets the Vitali fortune in small installments and will have to get a job. Though don't worry, Trippers, it's Salem. Work means about ten minutes tops if you're a doctor or cop and a lot of coffee breaks. See you in the square!

"Fortune" reminded me, does anyone else remember Club Fortuna? The bar in Rome. #blastfromthepast

I really thought Steve and Kayla -- okay, Kayla -- would be the type of person to use reusable shopping bags.

Of course the Kiriakis boys live in $cottsdale.

Who knew Eric was such a good fighter!? Then again, if you looked like Greg Vaughan and were in prison, you'd learn quickly how to defend yourself.

Speaking of Eric, I kind of felt when he told Nicole they needed to find something lethal (to use against the guards), she might have missed an easy opportunity to take a dig at him. I know. I'm a horrible person.

PARTING THOUGHTS So, friends and fellow DAYS fans, that's Two Scoops for the week of May 22! As Laurisa is still "in Chicago on business," I'll be back next week with an all-new column -- and probably still laughing about Dario's deportation storyline. And, "That's a fact!"

As always, thanks for reading! Tony

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