The papas and the mamas

Holy Maury Povich, Batman! The results are in. Justin, "you are NOT the father." Xander IS the father. E.J. needs to wake up and smell the Salem because his mommy dearest is definitely not dead! And Mama Madame is a merry murderess once more! All that and more in this week's DAYS DNA Tested (or not) Two Scoops!

I apologize. I'll begin Two Scoops in just a few seconds. I'm looking for something. It's small. Very small. Microscopic, even. It kind of looks like the combination of a laughing and eyeroll emoji. Hmm. It's not in my puzzle box or amongst Maggie's bric-a-brac. Oh, well. I don't want to waste more time. I guess I'll just have to count "sympathy for Alex" as a loss. That's too bad. I felt SO sorry for the guy. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Yeah. That eyeroll hurt. Anyway...

So. Last week happened. And here we go again with the family tree twists and turns. I'm glad we all agreed to start keeping track in pencil instead of permanent marker. This is making changes much easier to track. I guess we should start with the distraught himbo in the room.

Really, though. Poor Alex. He is going to be an even more privileged white guy with less of a moral compass to hold him back from being a complete asshat. How will he carry on!?

Then again, the guy doesn't deal with disappointment well. The first time it happened, he had to go to therapy, and even amid treatment, he still moved in across the hall from the object of his affection. "That's healthy," said nobody ever who wasn't Jan Spears. If he were an upstanding guy before this all went south, I'd feel for him. He wasn't. So, I don't.

To be honest, my sole sympathy in the "Alex uncovering" was for Justin. Wally Kurth's performance broke my heart. It was amazing. That "head kiss" and brief look back was a chef's kiss to ensure I was teary-eyed, too. I wanted to hand him a hankie and some Horton doughnuts to assure him it'll be okay -- that Alex will continue to be crappy with or without the stamp of his paternal DNA. Justin just doesn't see the bullet he's dodged yet through the tears. He must put up with a son, but a problematic "cousin" can go direct to voicemail. It's a win, bud. You just don't see it yet.

In addition to Wally's wonderful performances, I absolutely loved one other aspect. Preach, Reverend Sonny. Preach! Church hands up for you, good sir. Sonny was all, "It sucks to suck now, but everyone who loves you still loves you, so stop being a self-indulgent doodoo head."

Sonny was also the perfect person to preach this message. He is the father, dad, daddy, and every paternal tag in between to a child he shares no DNA with. C'mon. I dare you to say Ari Grace isn't his little girl. Care Bear will turn into a Papa Bear and rip you apart. Family is family. Love is love. Sonny knows this. Wise up, Alex.

And just like every time someone says, "Eric has always wanted to be a father," Alex's stance hurt my brain. Eric helped raise Holly. Alex was raised by Justin and Adrienne. These antiquated notions of DNA being the only true bond that matters are bonkers, especially in Salem 2023, where it could never be disputed that Sonny isn't Arianna's father or Kristen wasn't Stefano's daughter. Vivian still embraces John as a nephew, and he begrudgingly accepts. Nope. It doesn't take DNA to make a family. That's just science. It's love.

I'll yield that Alex does deserve a beat to lick his wounds like anyone else would, but Sonny is right. So, so right! He brought up Justin's love. His brothers' love. Sonny even played the Adrienne card. Loved it! So true. Justin wants to remain his dad, and Alex not only had Adrienne as a stepmother, but he also gets Maggie as consolation prize stepmother, too. Oh, let me repeat, "Poor Alex."

Of course, all this business of Alex's paternity is probably, and more likely, fiction. I smell corrective tape and forgery. A titanic Theresa-sized scheme!

I love my old chap, but I blame Shane. Don't hand Jeannie T a silver suitcase full of secrets and expect a seasoned schemer with an agenda not to swing it to her advantage. From Stephanie to Shane to Mean Manager Fran at the FroYo kiosk, she wasn't so subtle in denying her love of chaos and having something up her sleeve. Let's collect necklaces now because there will be no pearl clutching when this plot pops wide open. Theresa's gonna Theresa, and everyone acknowledged that already.

Oh, and Alex's paternity could only be one of Theresa's traps. What tricks does she have up her other sleeve? Did she doctor any other documents!? Is anyone in on it with her? Could Vivian be a cohort!? Yes, please.

It also appears that Vivian could become a cohort of Alex's, too. He was pondering over the partnering-up seeds that she planted in his head. This screams "bad idea." So, yep. Alex will probably take off his shirt, spray on some Axe, and strut around in front of it. I feel for Viv on this one. Alex has all the charm of a young Anakin Skywalker. We all know how that turned out. Be careful when picking apprentices, Madame.

Also, test the damn DNA! Really, Kiriakis folks. It's not like Vic or Angelica wouldn't have told a fib or two. Let's clap this one out: Test. The Damn. D. N. A.

In other paternity news, Xander learned that he IS the father of Baby Vickie Marg. First things first. Paul Telfer and Linsey Godfrey were utterly brilliant during the confrontation scenes. I mean, they're always brilliant, but this was next level stuff. Damn Rex for interrupting the argument!

Now. I'm asking this for a friend, but can the police arrest two people for acting colossally pompous? If so, Deputy Pratt needs to read Rex and Sarah their smug rights. I get they were trying to protect a child, but it just came off so...well... colossally pompous. But it's fine. They're doctors. Ouch! I hurt myself with another colossal eyeroll.

Two things are true here at once: Xander has done wrong things, and a wrong thing has been done to Xander. It's pretty simple. "The road to hell is paved with good intentions," am I right, Sarah? She decided to do something sketchy. Welcome to down in the dirt with the rest of us, Doc Horton. Whoops. Doc Brady. Yep. They're married. That has "Whoops! Problems Ahead!" etched all over it, but I digress.

Meanwhile, across the pond, I must start by asking, when did Edmund Crumb become so mean, mean, mean!? He had Susan chained up, and he drugged Ava and that InterBoper. Something's not right up there in his brain area. Then again, he did kind of let Penelope Kent drown, so, I guess he's always had a sadistic streak. But he's wacky. That makes it okay, right? Eek.

I'd have been SO much more excited had Rafe called Billie instead of tricking Tripp. That was sneaky yet well played by the commish, but ISA Agent Reed should be in on this. London's her home, and she needs a case win after letting "Agent Graham" dupe her. Call her, Rafe. I believe her number is the same as before. 1-555-NOT-HOPE.

In any event, Jada, Rafe, and Rafe's Sassy Pants are in London. It'll be fine. Jada is there. She'll solve this in time for afternoon tea, though I hope Roger is part of the rescue party that eventually comes for Susan and Ava. Oh, right. And Ho-Hum. She needs her Elvis impersonator hunka hunk of burning love. He was a wacko, too, but seemed kind and loving and not the least bit sadistic.

Finally, in retro Madame fashion, she went and shot herself a son of a bitch who threatened somebody she loves. The look on Viv's face was priceless. The entire scene was, really. It was reminiscent of the very first Auntie Viv one when she shot and killed a man who threatened Scary Larry Alamain and then casually stepped over his body to embrace her beloved nephew. THAT was an entrance, and the preview of much more carnage to come, right, Katerina?

There was also a payback element, since Stefan took a bullet for her. That made me think. Yep. Stefan has done one good thing over the years, but, again, I digress.

Dimitri is down! Is he dead-dead, "Salem dead," or not dead at all? Maybe just a little injured? Did his Magic Peen protect him? We don't know just yet, but something tells me his death, "death," or incapacitation will be used to someone's advantages.

For starters, I wouldn't put it above Vivian, Stefan, and (or) Gabi to frame Kristen for Dimitri's shooting. Actually, I expect that of the lot. It would be easy. Special K's fingerprints are all over the safe and the gun. They might even get a "Thank You" card from Brady if he's able to get back custody of RACH3L because of the ordeal.

It's an even easier setup if they can sway a grieving bride Gwen to be forthcoming with the fact that Kristen told Gwen that she wanted to kill him. At the very least, Gwennie can get some DiMera stocks and Von Leuschner codicil coinage from it. It's not like she was that thrilled with her hubby at the moment, anyway.

I could also see Gabi pretending to be Gwen to get the codicil money. She simply must convince Elliot Roth she's Mrs. Rizzy Chick Von Leusch. He was convinced Dimitri and Leo are in love. No coupons needed. That sucker will buy anything at full price.

Of course, Kristen could counter blackmail them with footage of Vivian shooting Dimitri. She was somewhere in the house, I believe. Was she (or RACH3L) behind Viv, taking a video on their phone?

I also wouldn't put it past Gwen to frame Leo. That would teach him a lesson better than a pie in the face. She could do this herself or with Kristen's help.

Moral of the sordid story: something more sinister shall come out of this shooting. I'm calling it now. With this lot, scheming is the only possible probability.

In the end, they only must fool the Salem P.D. Since Jada's with Rafe in Jolly Old England, that leaves the rest of the Mensa squad back at the po-po pen. I think they could get away with murder. Though technically, it's defense of a loved one. The only thing Viv could be charged with is loving too hard. Now, is that a crime!?

LOOSE ENDS:

It's official. Nothing good ever comes from a stuffed animal in Salem. First, we had Duke the Bear, and now we have Eav. Short for "Eavesdrop." Sorry, not sorry, Melinda. You've been counterplayed. Li might also get "Mic Drop of the Year" for, "Are you tickled now?" Ouch. Melinda needed aloe for that burn.

I LOVED that Kate immediately smelled a baby scheme as soon as they brought up Sarah giving birth. Speaking of...

A few weeks ago, Kayla was handing out babies to passersby, and now we've learned she's just blabbing baby business out to everyone. Until Sarah starts handing out cigars, maybe Doc Sweetness should stay mum to matters of Doc Horton's uterus.

Also, regarding the baby, I'm mad at Rex and Sarah for letting Roman bond with her. He loves hard. This will hurt him. He's had false paternity placed in his lap once, and it took him years to get over it. Thanks, Titan Conference Room Table.

I adored that Auntie P simply stated, "I just don't like you," as a reason to fire Melinda. Ha! Paulina with power is amazing. For her next item on the agenda, she needs to get Jada her own office, complete with a cot. Detective Hunter is the best person on the force and needs a safe place to nap, and we know Talia can't be trusted with the bed. Eww.

Tripp and Wendy love each other. They've both admitted it. Whew. Calm down, everyone who was worried. Sorry. I meant the one who was worried.

Someone get a golden statue because Kristen is the best mother around. She was going to shoot a relative in the living room with RACH3L (possibly) somewhere in the mansion. To be fair, this could be her daughter's idea. That kid does give me murdery vibes and general creeps. Anyway. It proves that Kristen doesn't mind gun pointing as long as she's the one with the gun.

Chloe went from swooning, "I can't believe this is finally happening" regarding her marriage to Xander to belting out, "It's All Coming Back to Me Now" in front of Philip. Lady. You gave me emotional whiplash. Let's unpack this.

One. This "I can't believe this is finally happening" thingy. I love you, Last Blast Buddy, but your plans to elope were in development for less than 24 hours. Your plans to marry, less than a week or so. And your coupledom, a few months. Once the news broke, I waited longer for Vivian to return than your entire courtship with Xanimal. Calm down.

Two. Xander was quick to downgrade from love to, "I do really care about you, Chloe." Do you need that translated into Morse Code or emojis, Ms. Lane? That's a clear-cut message delivered on a silver platter. Uh. Silver changing table. Ya done. Grab the dart board on the way out and start searching Craig's List for a new pad.

Three. I get it. An ex reentering the picture is going to garner a trip down both Memory Lane and What If Road. Both routes are usually traveled while wearing rose-colored glasses. Exes are exes for a reason. Remember that.

Sure, Philly did his work at Casa del Rehab while sipping grappa and sculpting a new leg out of driftwood, but is that enough to trust him again with a speedy, "Here! Take my heart"? What body part will he fling into a river next time he's feeling insecure. Chlomeister, as Aretha would sing, "You better think. Think!"

HOT

Can we just gush about how lucky we are as DAYS fans to have such incredible actors on our screens each weekday!? From Kurth to Telfer and Godfrey, to Hall and Koslow to O'Brien and Sorel, to, well, everyone on the cast, we're just hourglassing lucky to have you all! You are much loved and appreciated.

Of course, the entirety of Team DAYS should be praised! Productions don't produce themselves, of course. From those who mop the set floors to those who scribe those fabulous lines, cheers to everyone who works hard to keep us entertained!

NOT

As a Salem Karen or Alex might demand, "I want to speak to a manager." Team DAYS, we gotta talk. Don't threaten me with a good time and take it away. Vivian and Kate working together at Titan!? Are you kidding me!? My chest filled up with the biggest "OMG, YES!" breath ever, only to be deflated a second later when Kate declined.

Plus, Kate had some horses in this race. Sure. Philip had his secured inheritance, but she could have made sure that Chelsea (and her son) was set, too. Not to mention that Kate is a Brady now. She could have fought for Bo, Shawn-D, and the rest of the lot to ensure their slice of the pie, too. If not for any of them, how about good old-fashioned revenge and ruthlessness, Katie!? Alas, nope. She "had to" decline. I get it for her sanity's reason, but couldn't she have thought about our entertainment needs? C'mon!

LINE OF THE WEEK "Well, that was very dramatic but completely useless. Not unlike you." Maggie to Vivian, after Vivian ripped up the will.

RANDOM THOUGHTS

Drats. I was super hoping that Max Brady would turn out to be the waiter at the caf in London where Ava and Ho-Hum went. That would have been a fun cameo.

I firmly believe that it's her body, her choice when it comes to Melinda getting the dirt on Li by getting down and dirty with him, but I don't think she can expense wine or prophylactics. Just saying.

It was so lovely to see Adam Caine as Edmund again!

Is it fair to assume that there's a safe behind every picture in the DiMera mansion? This would be problematic for me. I'd forget the combinations and which place I put things. I'll stick with keeping my valuables in a Ziplock bag labeled "Valuables" in the middle of the Salem PD's breakroom. It's obvious, so they won't notice. See? Safe!

Of course, Victor included a "Laugh out loud" moment in his will. "Heads will roll," indeed, Vic. Love it!

I guess the olive didn't roll too far from the tree. I also laughed at Philip teasing Rex during the wedding.

On the topic of olives, were those giant green olives in Melinda and Li's martini glasses!? Maybe it was just the angle or curvature of the glass. Either way, Paulina, don't drink out of others' drinks, especially in Salem, where it could be dosed.

Kate's blazer was made of win.

I wonder if Will has kept in touch with Roger? They were close when he was "E.J.-ing" in Memphis.

It's a wonder Rafe and Billie have never been a thing. They seem fit for each other.

As soon as it was stated a car ran into a utility pole, I immediately wondered who!? This would be a good setup for a storyline. An amnesic with a secret or a dead delivery person with a missing message. Hmm.

I loved Kate's use of a baby emoji.

Jessica Serfaty's perfect delivery of, "Yeah. That's kind of a good one," when Melinda was explaining her breakup with Li to Sloan cracked me up.

As if I needed another reason to worship Madame, I love that Viv blasts Bonnie. It's like we're two peas in a Bonnie-hating-pod. "Who is that hillbilly wife?" I repeat, "HA!"

I get that Gwen was livid at Leo, but did she have to waste a perfectly good pie!? I don't know what the murder of pastries is called -- Desserticide!? -- but she's guilty. Take her away, Deputy Pratt! Oh. That only works for Maggie. Boo. Okay then. Off to Sweet Bits I am...CHANEL!

PARTING THOUGHTS

So, friends and fellow fans, that's it for October 2! Unless a secret breaks and it's revealed she's not really our biological Two Scooper, Laurisa will be back next week to see what other twists and turns will rattle Salem's family trees. As always, thank you for reading, and "That's a fact."

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