Bad girls do it well

Mr. Grinch might be a mean one, but he's a teddy bear compared to these lethal ladies. From grand schemes to drunken flings, these saucy Salemites know exactly what they want and aren't afraid to go after it with sassiness and snark blazing from both barrels. Let's scheme together in this week's "Shady Ladies" DAYS Two Scoops!

You guys, I feel terrible and must apologize. I've sent flowers to Maggie and the Kiriakis family from all of us. I had TWO scented candles delivered to Sarah and Li'l Vickie Marg. I even got around to sending John a new family tree plaque for his home office. Okay. It's more of a dry-erase board, you know, just in case, but it has a lovely, engraved frame. Still, I failed you all. I forgot to send Leo a sympathy card!

You see, Poor Lady Whistleblower is having a bad time knowing that the bestie he's been betraying is having sex with her hubby he's having an affair with. That must really suck to feel betrayed like that and then have some inconsiderate a-hole come around and throw it in your face. So, as soon as I get done Two Scooping, I'll get that card. My friend Nancy Miller already texted me that she would LOVE to be the first person to sign. The line forms behind her.

More so, oh, thank the Soap Gods! Gwen might be deplorable, but she's not deplorable and dumb. She had the dirt on Dimitri and Leo all along. Well. I don't know that as fact, but she knows now. I'm eager to learn more about this revelation and what she's plotting, because you know she's plotting!

Oh, Emily O'Brien is so brilliant I can't take it. Her nuances are on point. That grin Gwen gave got everything across that it needed to -- and more. Gwen's back to being a bad gal with sense. Have fun with that, Leo! You deserve it.

And if we're talking "fun," fewer things bring me such soap bliss as badass Vivian Alamain, played by the legendary Louise Sorel! I love this lady. Her performances are pure perfection. Effortless, even. She's not afraid to embrace all of Vivian's Vivianness. And Viv can be a real bitch in heels, Bonnie. Watch your mouth. You've been warned.

Actually, Auntie Viv and Bonnie became quick friends when they learned they had mutual pals in the pen. This doesn't bother me as much as Bonnie usually does. I mean "as much as it should."

You see, one, the con connection makes sense. Two, Viv can out-scheme Bonnie any day or night, and thrice on weekends and holidays. More so, number three has me twirling my very own villainous handlebar mustache. If Madame Alamain -- excuse me! -- Madame "Kiriakis" can convince Bonnie to break bad with her, does that mean Justin may break ties with his bad news bride? This could all be a win. Unless...

It's a lose. I hope Bonnie doesn't become the unlikely hero who "helps" Vivian only to betray her as a double agent. Though a scorned Viv would only ensure Bonnie's downfall. So, this could be a win from a lose from a win...that lost? Umm. I'm losing my train of thoughts there, but let's just say my money's on Madame, especially if she can bring Bonnie down by bringing Adrienne home! We know she knows Dr. Rolfie. C'mon, Viv.

Meanwhile, Vivian versus Julie is a battle I never thought I needed, but now that's all I want. While Madame is a seasoned schemer, Julie is a poked grandmama bear. She's pissed. Hurt Eli, Lani, Jules, Carver, or, hell, any of her loved ones, and answer to Ms. Williams. She's not shy. She'll tell you where to go. Oh, and Julie has Stefan's heart, right!? Oh, yeah. This is going to be great.

I also love that Salem's O.G. bad girl, Julie -- she stole a stole! -- is part of this Kiriakis family throwdown against Vivian. Maggie is a fighter, no doubt, but this match needs a brawler who will go lower when their opponent goes low. Mags typically takes the high road. Julie isn't afraid of the muck. So, ding-ding. Let the fighting begin!

Side note: Vivian may not want to alienate or aggravate Gabi too quickly. Her daughter-in-law knows Julie's playbook. That may help Madame greatly.

As Team Kiriakis attempts to do damage control and strike back, it's leading to so many questions about Victor's last secret. Umm. I'm betting secrets, plural. As in many, many secrets. What was he doing during his last days on earth? What does his lawyer know? What about this Konstantine guy? He's the guy that called Hope "beautiful American" or something similar, right? Does Fancy Face factor into this!? I wanna know!

Side question: Could Maggie claim common law marriage if Victor's intent to divorce Vivian could be proven!?

Second side note: I'd love it if Victor's lawyer turned out to be Frankie Brady! He'd trust Caroline's kid. Plus, Franois could catch up with his cousin Dimitri, who will likely need a lawyer at some point, too.

Okay. All this mystery surrounding Victor's final days is amazing. I love that his legacy is looming over several storylines. From Baby Victoria to Brady and Alex's search to Justin's quest to help Maggie. It's all working.

And wanting to be the center of attention is Theresa, which may rub Viv the wrong way, as the spotlight should be hers if you ask, well, her. This could be another duo I'd enjoy taking digs at, but in the meantime, Greece is the word for Jeannie-T.

First, there's one major reason I enjoy Theresa as much as I do, and that's the copious talents of Jen Lilley. She's not just the knees, she's the entire damn bee. The ease with which she plays Theresa's cunningness is equal part charm and coolness.

I also enjoy this new trend of Jeannie-T's loved ones (and not so loved ones) basically calling out her calculating ways. To which, she doesn't argue. She simply gives a "Well, duh!" smirk. She literally stated with a smile, "I like chaos." There's sort of this "belly laugh," "Oh, well, Theresa's gonna Theresa" whimsy to it all, and, at this point, it's better than sanctimonious lectures and making her wear sweaters with a scarlet "T" on them. "T" for Theresa, terrible, tenacious...it all tracks.

So! What is Ms. Donovan up to this time? There're innuendos with Alex and stalking him and Brady to Greece. I mean, face value, she's bonkers for Brady, but I feel like there's more. Did she stumble onto some stunning intel in Daddy Shane's home office? Did she hack Kimberly's patient records? That Cheshire Cat smirk is surely concealing something scandalous. Spill, Jeannie-T. Spill!

Back in Salem, we got to meet Baby Victoria! Now. I'm not saying Sarah is a "bad girl," but she's doing a not so nice thingy to Xanimal. I've heard her reasons, and they're, um, her reasons, but I will tell you one thing. Rex has a terrible poker face. He's going to blow their cover quicker than a semi-sedated Sarah.

I give it a few more weeks. November Sweeps is in sight. Either Ms. Lane will figure it out as the Chlomeister typically has custody of the Salem brain, or Little Victoria Margaret will discover the truth while researching DNA for her graduate school thesis when she's in college by then. SORAS-ing, amIright? Either way, this baby bombshell doesn't seem to have a long shelf life.

Of course, celebrating all these shady ladies just makes me miss Megan more! She's coming back soon, right, Team DAYS? Right!? That's more of a heavy-handed demand than a question. I kind of need The Artist Formerly Known as The Fantabulous Ms. Hathaway verses Vivian.

Drats! By the time I got to Salem University Hospital, Kayla had stopped handing out babies. I guess I'll have to accept a consolation gift card to the Froyo stand.

Seriously, though, Doc Sweetness. Considering the hospital's track record, is that something that one should really be doing? Nurse Whitley recently pulled off her Abe-duction. Not long ago, two babies were taken (Hi Jules! Hi Carver!). Oh, and that entire Sloan snagging Nicole's paperwork whoopsie. Yeah. Chloe or not, I wouldn't be handing babies to anyone but the parents. Then again, maybe HIPAA's new slogan is "Here! Have a baby." I'm not a doctor. What do I know?

Did anyone else feel the chill in the air when Sarah announced the baby's name as "Victoria Margaret?" Like, I KNOW somewhere in the DiMera tunnels, RACH3L's head suddenly snapped to attention, and she cursed the newborn's princess-like name. I'm certain she hissed, "There can only be one," then went back to pulling the legs off spiders or making Harold jump through fiery hoops. Literally.

Of course, Alex is the a-hole who's rude to service industry workers. In the age of everywhere being short-staffed, Sir Kiriakis, maybe the kitchen was really backed up, and they honestly didn't care when you most likely asked, "Do you know who I am?" Nah. Alex and reality would never be out of touch. At least Alex isn't gross talking about ogling flight attendants, though. Oh. Wait. But let's move on to something lovely...

In fact, let's talk about things to love! The Black-Robicheaux family reunion complete with Paul (Paul!) is perfectly up there on the list. More on that later, and "That's a fact."

Then there's Theresa and Andrew's brief reunion. That was awesome! I'd love to see more of these siblings sharing tea.

Also, I adore Andrew and Paul. Can we keep them in Salem proper? If not, they need to visit way more often.

Theresa and Stephanie catching up was also fun! I mean. Sure. It was all about Alex in the long run, but it was enjoyable, nonetheless. More, please.

I. Love. Jada. Her interrogation of Joyce was great. She's direct and already knows what's what. Salem needs all the smarties like her to combat the ever-growing schemer population.

Speaking of smarties, I always enjoy the conversations between Paulina and Chanel. There's plenty of heart and tough love coming from both of them. I also had to laugh when Paulina exclaimed, "My baby is in demand!" Hear, hear! Team Chanel all the way, too, Auntie P.

Oh! Johnny and Chanel both admitted they never stopped loving each other. I love this for them. They just work well together. Though I really need their next storyline to have nothing to do with a third party. Maybe he can make a documentary about bakeries, or they can buy Chez Rouge and turn it into an Italian eatery and the dcor could resemble the town they married in. I think there was a fountain involved. Anywho. Just not a love triangle, dear Team DAYS, please and thank you.

Okay, whew! Cool Wendy returned. She churned out those custom faux passports like a pro. This is another thing to love, but let's pivot from things loved to kind of the opposite...

Oh, Shawn-D! I think the "D" is officially defaulting to "drunk" these days. My heart pours out for our Sailor Man, but man, oh man, he's killing me. Talia!? Really? First and foremost, this is just a bunch of stupid wrapped in a Roman-sized "Whud 'da hell!?" C'mon, Shawn. Cheating is not cool, you cheater-cheater doodoo head. I hate this for him -- and Belle.

It's sort of history repeating itself -- this time sponsored by Tullamore Dew. When Shawn is sullen, he and stupid become best friends. From Mimi to Willow Stark, he doesn't aim high when low. Troubled Talia with her tedious tale was his target audience.

To be fair, I do feel for Shawn. Having that guilt eat at him would be soul-crushing. Adding booze to the equation isn't helping, even though he's been offered all the help in the world, and, sans Victor, nobody else is blaming him. Still, until he's ready to not blame himself, he, stupid choices, and Tullamore Dew will continue to be DAYS' thirstiest new throuple. Great.

Actually, "great" would have looked something like Shawn talking out his feelings with a loved one who's walked in similar shoes. Someone who, perhaps, accidentally killed a family member and has struggled with guilt and forgiveness ever since. Someone who may struggle but has moved forward to create a healthy life, complete with a partner and kid. Someone like, I don't know, maybe his freaking sister Chelsea. I'll give this missed moment another Roman-sized "Whud 'da hell!?" It was right there, Team DAYS. Right. There. And if you were worried, more Chelsea is never a bad thing (Hi, Rachel Melvin, I missed you so much! Lovely to see you again)! I digress.

Which brings me to Talia. Lady, we need to talk. My heart broke for what she went through with Colin, but if Marlena and the medical board cleared her for flight, let's land some harsh truths...

One, post trying to ruin her life, you went on a date or two with Chanel. I get it. We ALL get it. She's Lady Dupree. She helped hang the moon -- while wearing fabulous heels, no doubt. We all love her, but slow your roll and turn that freakout dial down a notch or ten. Be normal. Go home. Postmate a few pints of ice cream and a block of Velveeta. Watch The Notebook. Sob until you pass out alone in the remnants of your dairy binge and used tissues. You know. Normal heartbreak behavior.

I do get that Talia's head is twisting these days faster than Leo can make anything -- like, literally anything -- about himself. She's recently gone through the entire Tale of Two Cities of it all. The worst of times. The best of times. And now that she's on an up, something came and broke her stride. But maybe, just maybe, she was striding too fast if THAT was her reaction to the end of the beginning of dating someone who politely ended things sooner than Talia would have liked.

Also, giving a kind person who completely helped you out of a ginormous jam one piddly flower isn't a green light to sleep with their husband. That's not how it works. I know Shawn shares half the blame, but dang, Talia, that was not cool. At all. She needs to buy a greenhouse and fill it with roses. Then she needs to keep giving them to Mrs. Brady one at a time until Belle tells her to stop, and she's forgiven.

Then again, Belle's dealt with Sami her entire life. Methinks 'Tink knows a thing or two about what a "bad girl" would do in a case like this. Like I said to Leo earlier, have fun with that, Talia.

HOT

Joy! Just joy. The Black-Robicheaux family photo pretty much says it all, but if Timothy embellishing, "My heart's about to burst," didn't make you beam, nothing will. And his speech about being alone then surrounded by loving faces!? I was a blubbery, smiling mess.

The collective cuteness that is Dick Van Dyke, Drake Hogestyn, and Christopher Sean had my heart nearly bursting, too. These three especially are cut from the same cheery cloth. I genuinely believe their three characters are related.

Of course, I loved that Mar Mar, Brady, and 'Tink were there, too! Brady and Belle, especially, needed that jolt of joy. And you could tell Marlena's heart was filled with relief that her fella finally got a happy ending to his ever-changing family ties.

Oh, and that hug between John and Timothy at the end after John asked if he could call him "Dad"!? Happy tears again. Chef's kiss.

NOT

I find your lack of Claire Bear disturbing, Team DAYS.

LINE(S) OF THE WEEK

"Well, I do hope that nobody thinks Little Victoria is going to inherit Big Victor's money." Vivian to Maggie

"I look a whole lot better than nice!" Paulina to Johnny

"Oh, yes. She is, as is my cousin, Katarina, you know, the one that you buried alive." Dimitri to Vivian

EXCHANGE OF THE WEEK

Vivian: "I was released, obviously, on good behavior and my winning smile."

Julie: "More proof the justice system in this country needs serious reform."

RANDOM THOUGHTS

Did Vivian's entire ensemble give anyone else Bette Davis vibes? Legend be legending. Love it.

Speaking of vibes, "Stabi" pings of Gomez and Morticia, no?

I must wonder: Does Timothy Robicheaux have any other children!? I feel like John already has enough brothers from different mothers like Abe, Steve, and even Roman, but a sister might be interesting!

Hmm. Could Jada and Talia's mother be John's long-lost half-sister? I repeat, "Hmm!"

I feel like we've seen Theresa, Andrew, and Eve recently. Does this mean we get a visit from Kimberly and Shane soon? Pretty please, Team DAYS!

Raven Bowens was a complete rock star during Chanel's confession of love for Johnny. What a truly inspired performance. A sparkly beret hat tip to you, Ms. Bowens.

Holy cheese and crackers! I forgot Susan can do that projection thingy and get inside people's minds. That's a fate worse than Salem death then being resurrected only to be set up on a blind date with Alex, his feelings, and faux glasses.

I loved Wendy's use of Notting Hill characters! Though excuse me while I go report an InterBoper to the TSA. I will not let Bargain Bin Aiden soil "William Thacker's" good name.

I may have to talk to the portrait, but I suspect Stefano would like Chanel. She's smart, spunky, and sophisticated. Her heiress to the Price fortune status probably wouldn't hurt, either. The Phoenix did enjoy a payday.

Say what you will about Dimitri, but at least he's one of the few to grasp that all conversations are likely to be eavesdropped on and will surely be used against one in a court of, well, unlawfulness.

Chim Chim Cher-ee! I guess Brady inherited his smooth singing voice from his Grandpa Timmy. I want to hear a duet.

Paulina has always had a soft spot for Johnny. I like this. She's one of the few who can tough-love Johnny's Johnny-ness and get away with it.

Jada's pride in Talia was so sweet! She's a great big sister. I'm glad she had that moment to revel in her sibling's upward trajectory because cleaning up Talia's latest crash landing is going to be messy. But at least Jada had a few moments of joyful pride. There's that.

It was nice to have some closure on Tommy Horton Jr. a few weeks back. Sad. But nice.

Like, we all agree that there's likely a Baby Allie and Alex in New Zealand, right? Like an entitled brat with abs whose cries sound like "Do you know who I ammmmmm!?" This kid might actually be RACH3L's real rival. Sorry, Victoria Marg.

"Yo Ling and the Phantom Alliance" will never not make me laugh.

I enjoyed that Kristen was eager to give Eli the heads-up about Vivian. Her friendship with Lani will always be weird, but at least it's consistent. Huh. Special K doing a good deed. Let's watch out for falling temperatures in hell and flying pigs, friends.

I think Alex needs an Adrienne type. A down-to-earth spitfire who won't put up with his privilege. Though, knowing him, she might not have enough bounce during turbulence for his liking. Ugh. That guy.

Talia treating Joyce would have been an interesting twist rather than her and Shawn having a sloshed shack-up. Respectively, I don't know Joyce's orientation, but given Talia's troubles and redemption, her helping someone else find a better path (and perhaps love along the way) would have been much better.

Almost going to a Miley Cyrus concert with Theresa and Stephanie sounds like fun!

Am I the only one who thinks Timothy, John, Brady, and Paul should start a barbershop quartet and perform in the square!? Julie should totally be their manager, and Doug could occasionally make it a quintet.

I'm not a detective, but I kind of didn't think Ava and Ho Hum Harris were going to keep on their hospital ID bracelets. Rafe seemed shocked to find them. Then again, it's been a long time since he's had a clue, which is pretty shocking, so, carry on, Raferoni and Cheese.

PARTING THOUGHTS

So, friends and fellow fans, that's it for September 18! I'm off to make a quick call to the TSA then head to Cellblock H to see if I can score some scoop on the Big Bon Bon at the big house. In the meantime, Laurisa will be back next week with less nefarious intentions. As always, thank you for reading, and "That's a fact."

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