Hit me with your best shot

Who will solve the Abe mystery? Will anyone pay for the crime? And if anyone can locate Rolf's sub, will Megan be able to finish her evil plan? Let's discuss all the villains in this week's Two Scoops.

No one throws a party like Megan DiMera. I'm sure that invite said "sequins preferred" because even the walls were draped in the stuff. She offered limited to no seating, so we could get a full look at everyone's fashion. And she invited a crazy man to come in and shoot at people. What's not to love?

I was very worried when Megan got shot. I instantly assumed she had some sort of fake-y blood situation ready as a backup in case things went sideways. Megan would do something like that. She's a planner. But, alas, no. It was a real bullet that sent her to the real hospital.

She didn't miss a beat, though. The second she woke up she laid it on thick with Gwen about how you should appreciate every second of life, which worked like a charm. And apparently, she had Rolf's Bat Signal set to shine if E.J. and Kristen escaped, rushing him to town to whisk her to safety. No joke, I was very worried for a second when Kate and E.J. found Gabi handcuffed to the hospital bed. I was sure it was Megan in a mask. Whew! I'm so glad it was just Rolf in his submarine.

One DiMera tree branch down, Dimitri is up to his neck in scandal. I swear, in the course of about an hour, Gwen agreed to marry him, they set a wedding date, Leo found out about the inheritance scheme, and Dimitri kissed Leo to stop Leo from speaking? Blackmail him with a relationship? I'm not sure. But this is absolutely a soapy mess and not a grand time for his schemer in chief to be 20,000 leagues under the sea.

I have yet to see if this is a good mess or not. The show's been hinting at a Leo/Gwen/Dimitri triangle for weeks, so the kiss isn't a shock. Leo finding out about the inheritance money is a positive step. But, again, the left turn this storyline needs to take immediately if not sooner is for Gwen to shake this wide-eyed, lovesick, gullible persona and go back to the actual schemer we've known and seen on screen since the second she stepped foot in town.

She's unrecognizable right now. While accepting his proposal, she complimented Dimitri by telling him he's human. I know she was being metaphoric here, but being a human is literally the lowest bar imaginable for accepting a marriage proposal. Think of another one. I'll wait.

The only other wild card here is Kristen. She also knows the secret -- and was for it when Megan was on her side. However, now that Kristen and Megan are on the outs, will Kristen tell Gwennie what's happening? And, if so, will Gwen keep playing along just to take the millions? And, most importantly, what will Kristen get in return?

Finally, the news about Abe continued to make its way around Salem. Nurse Whitley showed up at Paulina's apartment and said she was sorry about Abe (very nice), that she voted for him (cool!), that she felt connected to him (sure), and that she had stumbled upon their wedding and watched it (wait, what?!). Paulina seems to clock this, and I hope she stays on it. You don't just kidnap Salem's class president without a motive or plan. We need to know more.

However, outside of the character of Nurse Whitley, everything about Abe's storyline is a delight. I love the campiness of Body and Soul. Those names in the credits were a basket of Easter eggs for soap fans. I liked John and Steve figuring out that Abe's case isn't adding up. I really enjoy how this storyline is allowing Abe to tap into his long past as a cop. He used to solve crimes for a living! It's fun giving him his own mystery to solve.

But most of all, I love the returns. It was fantastic to see Lani this week! This storyline makes good on the rewrite to make Lani be Paulina's daughter and not Abe's because everyone is showing up for the fella. It's a shame Eli can't stick around, because between him suspecting Nurse Whitley and Lani figuring out Jerry is an actor, these two are a step away from figuring this whole thing out.

When Shawn ordered beers while on duty, Belle rightly said that wasn't cool. Shawn predictably pushed back on her judgment and stormed off. Look, I'm glad that Shelle is getting screen time. I just wish it wasn't the same exact 45 second scene over and over and over again.

I'm not sure who Eric and Nicole are trying to kid. Even if E.J. had been around, Eric still would have been there for Nicole when it came to Abe. Then, having him be there for her scare with the baby further connects them. Oh, and then there's the whole thing about them kissing and him starting sentences with "If that baby was mine." But, sure. There's nothing between these two. And if there does happen to be something one day, I'm sure Sloan and E.J. will be fine with it. Both of them are level-headed and never seek revenge for anything.

Nothing Colin did to Talia was her fault. That's on him. But now I'm wondering if Talia is just a little bit of a huge, massive idiot. Is she serious with her claim that Colin had nothing to do with Abe's disappearance? Colin inflicted such head trauma on Abe that it gave him amnesia! And her stuff isn't even moved out of Colin's place yet, but she thinks she has feelings for Chanel now? Sure, we're all a little bit in love with Chanel, but Talia has proof right in front of her that she's not the best at picking partners. Maybe she should slow down and have, I dunno, three therapy sessions before approaching a new relationship??

Oh, my heart. The flashbacks of John and Abe! Roman breaking down at the memorial! It was all so sweet.

HOT Seeing Lani and Eli together again was spectacular. It's amazing to see a lovely, devoted, kind, romantic couple that isn't Jarlena or Stayla. Nothing against either of those couples, but Eli and Lani are possibly the only other couple written in a way that you can feel good about rooting for them. They're so connected and strong that you trust the show's not going to rip them apart. And they've been written this way since they got together.

NOT Not since St. Daniel of Jonas have I seen DAYS try so hard to make a character happen. But here we are with Harris Michaels. And it's exhausting. From Stephanie screaming "fight it" to Chad's "poor guy" assessment to mother-loving Kate Brady showing up at this cat's hospital bed to check on him, we got extreme and unnecessary amounts of grace dumped upon this minor character. I hope Marlena suggests that Harris Michaels be admitted to Bayview for treatment.

LINE OF THE WEEK Megan (about Harris): "Um, how about we not remind the man with the gun how much he hates me?"

RANDOM THOUGHTS

I'll thank Gwen to never mention those masks again.

Flashback to the Martin House?!?!!? Does Eli still own that thing?

Ha! Eli had a crush on an actress named "Sal" who worked on Body and Soul.

Do guys still carry backpacks around on one shoulder?

Bruno the bear is 100,000 times better than Duke. Sorry not sorry.

I like how Chanel says "TALL-yuh."

Dan Feuerriegel and Stacey Haiduk were pitch perfect hilarious playing E.J. and Kristen trying to remember why Megan put them in the wine cellar.

Now that she's done with Marlena CosPlay, Nicole's style has returned. Her blue dress and ponytail were super cute.

With Dimitri here, do we still need Alex? They may have moved in for different reasons, but they both live next door to each other in Cad Cul De Sac.

Wendy said her brother wasn't a murderer. Meh...that's debatable, Wenders.

Aw! The dual Theo scene was a pure treat. I loved it!

Between Harris, Talia, Alex, and soon Shawn, I'm not sure if Marlena has ever been this busy!

Has anyone called Sami to tell her about Uncle Abe?

Surely there's a fanfic out there about Rolf and which DiMera he's loyal to at any time.

Since Marlena was able to give E.J. and Kristen their full memories back within a few minutes in an in-person group session, I'm wondering if she can put me on some sort of text/virtual therapy plan where she can help me remember where I put my phone or why I walked into a room.

-- Laurisa

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