Dreams and schemes and circus crowds

Come one, come all to the Salem Sideshow! You'll meet the Dead-Not-Dead Man, the Mad Scientist and his Ponytail of Terror, the Pie-Faced Twins, the Ice Queen, the Man with No Heart, and Doppelgngers galore! Don't be afraid. Be very afraid! Let's get all eyes on the center of the ring in this week's contorted DAYS Two Scoops!

You guys! My heart's a-flutter. I met someone earlier today on the commute to work who said that MAYBE someday, sometime down the road they might like me a little. So, naturally, we got engaged! I'll be registering at Bartlett's Department Store once we learn each other's last names. And when I remember their first name. Whoops. I got caught up in emotions. Oh, amore!

Meanwhile, back in reality, I'm going to re-reference a classic Liz Lemon zinger. If your mate thinks that "MAYBE you're the love of my life," or "might be someday," "That's a dealbreaker, ladies." I'll go one further. If you have to put a ring on it after a few months to prove you're committed, that's another dealbreaker.

Jake and Ava had potential. The bond over their Philly days was well played and believable. They had a chill, casual dynamic. That early fun stage of dating phase was evident. Last week, their charm was sort of smothered by the sudden saccharine deluge of insecurities and soul mate talk. Some of it was way too soon. Some of it I believed.

Like, I believed Jake's intentions were well meaning, but maybe he should have solidly known if Ava is really his "love of his life" before bringing it up, or at the very least waited to propose until he was a little surer. While there have been marriages based on worse and less, getting engaged to ensure the insecurities of the person you're dating (and living with) are calmed, well, that just sounds like it will be a long, exhausting rocky road.

I also believe that Ava's insecurities and intentions were true, too. I get her fears. She's had a rough go of it. She also loves the idea of being loved unconditionally, and Jake produces that Golden Retriever energy. He's endearing, enthusiastic, mostly loyal, easily pleased by a belly rub -- well, a back rub, in his case -- and will go fetch things like rings to make his human happy. He has simple needs. It doesn't take a lot for him to love. Based on his history, just kind of be there in front of him. Given that, I get why Ava wanted some kind of insurance that he wasn't loving on other bitches at the dog park.

Still. It was all a bit rushed and poured on too thick. Don't get me wrong. The performances were absolutely amazing, but the direction of the storyline simply seemed warp speed.

The only thing that wasn't rushed was the immediate aftermath of Jake's shooting. It vibed of the steamroller scene in Austin Powers International Man of Mystery. There was a lot of standing around when taking action seemed like a smarter idea. Even the shooter stood there. It doesn't matter. He's dead now. Like Jake. Well. Sort of like Jake...

Jake "died" in the Salem sense, I suspect. Dr. Rolf and Special K already have his body. That surely means he'll be back soon enough for his and Ava's "eventually" wedding. I'll get the rice ready if someone will get the "Welcome Back from the Great Beyond" card. In Salem, there's a huge resurrection line at any Hallmark shop.

I'm clearing my mantel now for all the awards and statuettes. Why? I've solved global warming! You see, we just send Gabi to the North Pole, and her frostiness will refreeze everything. Like, damn, Ice Queen. I know she recently made some realizations about the reality of her relationship with Jake (like Kate and I could have told her, but I digress), but she was making plans for his shares before his body even hit the morgue.

Still, I understand Gabi's motives. She's living in a DiMera world. They don't exactly have "Home is where the heart is" embroidered on throw pillows or ornate scrapbooks filled with warm, fuzzy memories. They have swords on the mantel and fancy boxes for corporate shares. Oh, and laboratories and makeshift dungeons in the basement amidst the secret, sprawling tunnels. Anyway...

If one lives in a war zone, one must fight like hell. Gabi fought like hell. Was it jarring and "a lot" to watch? Sure. But I get it, and at least Gabi hugged it out with Kate before going to the hospital. E.J. left a fire trail from the living room to the hospital as he zoomed there like the Flash to claim his precious as soon as he heard the news.

Ultimately, I enjoy Gabi and Ava teaming up. They're both bosses, and it'll be interesting to see their combined badassness go head to head with E.J., especially if Ava remembers "Dead" Jake's "You Are Ava Frickin' Vitali" speech.

And I ultimately don't mind E.J.'s actions right now. He's justifiably fuming over what he's been through. Is he petting the revenge rabbit a wee bit hard? Is he being a smidge callous? Perhaps. But Eej, especially a scorned one with no moral compass around to slow his roll, has one speed, and that's "All In."

I get why she did it, but I'm disappointed Kate turned over her shares. That always kept her connected to the DiMera family. Still, maybe this is a good time for her to sever ties with the past and join Paulina in a corporate endeavor. I'd love to see that joint power in action!

This would be a very good time for Vivian to return. Maybe a compassionate release to bury her son. And cause a little Auntie Viv hell while doing so.

Also, why the flip wasn't Madame Alamain pardoned by Governor McSkeezybutt!?

Cross Rafe freaking out on Eric off your DAYS Bingo card! He pulled out the ever impressive, "Get your damn hands off my wife." Ugh, Rafe-A-Roni. The 1950s called. They want their mentality back. Did he really think Eric and Nicole were rolling around in the middle of the park, making whoopee? They're not that tacky. They'd at least be classy enough to spring for a conference room table.

Brady completely took one for the entire team when he asked Kristen, "What the hell does that mean?" about her new position at DiMera Enterprises. She's the DiMera Diva Executive in charge of Basic Black. This is fun! We all get to make up titles now. I'll go first, the Good Gentleperson in charge of French Fry Excellence at Ye Old Brady Pubbery.

I'm also starting the slow clap for the Chlomeister. Feel free to join in until it's a standing ovation. I loved -- LOVED -- that she was not down to clown with Special K. She was not taking any of Kristen's crap. You go, Former Ghoul Girl!

I'm a fan of Jada so far! Smart, strong characters to the front of the line, please. Though I'm sad to hear that Marcus has passed. He was a lovely character, and his portrayer, Richard Biggs, was talented and charming. I wonder if we will learn more about Marcus' years away from Salem.

Speaking of missing years, I'm going to throw out some dots to possibly connect based on Kayla and Jada's awkward-ish encounter. At one point, Marcus Hunter had the hots for Kayla, but her heart was otherwise occupied. He left town. Kayla had a very long stretch of time she was basically unheard from while out of town, as well. Little was known of her time away other than she became a doctor and continued to mourn Steve. Kayla's been a little chilly toward Jada. Did Kayla and Marcus have a tryst during that time? Until I meet Jada's mother, I'm leaving that theory on the operating table.

Ha! Leave it to Paulina. Her entire conversation with Chanel was hilarious. More so, it was heartwarming and spot-on. Mrs. Price-Carver is getting the Most Valuable Salemite award for coaxing Chanel to make a choice between the bickering Pie-Faced Twins. If someone would throw ice cream at them, would they be the "Pie la Mode-Faced Twins?" Again, I digress...

Chanel gave Allie her final rose, err, pie. The fact that she even referred to it as a "competition" said a lot. And I really hope this is the final time we're going to be dragged through this decision. I get why it was hard for Chanel, but honestly, I think she deserves better than the two twins with pastry facials. I've enjoyed moments from both of Chanel's relationships, but between the dragged-out decision and, well, the twin's twinniness, she could do better.

While Paulina had Johnny poured a cold one and confessed that she was Team G, Johnny needs to spend time with his grandpa Roman. Methinks the former 'Commish can teach his grandson how to stay classy when you're the one voted out of a love triangle. Roman knows all about that, right, Doc?

HOT Between brilliant performances and action, there was a lot to love about last week, but Justin and Steve versus Orpheus were amazing scenes! Wally Kurth, Stephen Nichols, and George DelHoyo taught a master's class in acting. Sometimes it's simply a chilling conversation that captivates the most.

NOT Ugh. Well. At least Bonnie asked permission to touch her stepson's body. That's a feel up -- uh -- step up from what she did to Lucas.

LINE OF THE WEEK Chloe (to Nicole, regarding Kristen's questionable pardon): "Maybe she put on her governor mask and decided to hold a press conference."

EXCHANGE OF THE WEEK Paulina: "Well. You have to ask yourself, 'Now what do you prefer: penis or vagina?'" Chanel: "Mama!" Paulina: "What!? We're two grown-ass women. I had 'the talk' with you years ago."

I love Chloe's zingers. Nadia Bjorlin's deliveries crack me up. She's the best.

Roman's quick basically "Nope!" to speaking with Kate was hysterical. Abe and Paulina are right. This might take some time, Ms. Roberts.

Dr. Rolf exclaimed, "I live by one creed. What would Stefano do?" That tracks. Let's get some Limoncello and talk about this some more, Rolfie.

I'm excited that Robert Scott Wilson is back on our screens. I'm also excited that this might mean more Justin time (more Wally Kurth is always welcomed). My excitement over Alex is to be determined. I suspect Sonny feels the same way.

Chad and Sonny scenes will never not make me happy. I'm also happy that Chad took the kids to the Horton home and even happier over the idea that they might end up living at the Kiriakis mansion. Best friends acting like best friends is the best!

Speaking of bestie bonding, cheers to Abe and Roman scenes, as well!

I wonder why Abe and Paulina decided to live at her apartment versus his house.

I also wonder if E.J. will work "our brother the grease monkey" into Jake's eulogy. If he needs one. You know. He might be right back to life and all.

I laughed way too hard over Tamara Braun's delivery when Ava stated, "She's up."

I love Tony so much! His "Simple Simon" rendition had a Tim Burton vibe to it. Thaao Penghlis should side hustle as a narrator for spooky stories.

More so, I loved Tony's casual dismissal of Allie and Johnny's foolishness. The man just wanted some teacakes. Fair.

Steve's sidestep of Les Jumeaux Stupides was also sidesplitting.

Kristen was in prison for a few weeks and left in her favorite red party, umm, hellraising dress. How traumatized by a bad thread count could she have really been?

Also, Kristen has access to private island compounds. Did she really need to bunk with her bro? It was good for some laughs, but that had to be asked.

E.J. speaking to Stefano was great.

Does anyone remember the Lifetime movie My Stepson, My Lover? I hope that is not inspiration for Bonnie.

I adore that Steve is so proud of Jada and even suggested her for the job at the Salem P.D. Between Shawn-D and Jada, Steve surely is looking out for his besties' kids. Yep. I love it!

If Chad was Stefano's favorite, I highly suspect that Kristen is Dr. Rolf's favorite DiMera. After Stefano, of course.

If Jada ends up taking the room above the Brady Pub, I really want their WiFi network to be renamed "CopsAndRobbers." I'm pretending it was "CopsAndRoberts" before Ro Ro kicked Kate to the curb.

I hope the Kate and Gabi hug is the start of them healing. I enjoyed Kate, Gabi, and Sami's bond. Next step, getting Sami and Kate to start the process.

Alex stated he doesn't believe in holding grudges. Let's see how long that lasts.

I liked "Dead" Jake's rousing "You're Ava Vitali" speech. Not only was it well delivered, but it's so true. Ava needs to get her own place and become the power boss she's meant to be. Both Laurisa and I have said this before: let her buy Chez Rouge and, perhaps, fall for a handsome sous-chef...eventually.

Hendo. Dude-bro say what!? I hope Henderson just asked for a major raise.

Eek, Eej! That "crazy wife" comment. "Oh, that was way harsh, Tai."

I want to meet Li's mother now. He said she gets overshadowed a lot, but we've also met Wendy in Beyond Salem. So, methinks Mrs. Shin could be an overshadowed firecracker.

Let's be honest. Who else wanted one of those spiffy DiMera Shares boxes? So swanky.

Tony, "Our family abode." Hilarious.

Allie: "I'm sorry. Do you need help?" I laughed way too hard at that, too.

Update: Eli has a new place in DC, and Valerie is helping him with the twins. That's good news. I still miss them, though.

I feel like Kristen needs an assistant much like Kate once had Chris (Ross Matthews), or Wilhelmina Slater had Marc St. James on Ugly Betty. I guess there's Leo, but I don't know if I'd wish him on Special K. Then again. Hmm.

I laughed at Jada trying to connect the dots, or perhaps the spilling tea leaves, as Rafe was explaining that his wife was the one who was attacked and that her ex-husband saved her.

I enjoyed that Justin listed Ari Grace as one of the reasons he loves his life.

Also, please note that Justin did not list his stepdaughter, Mimi, as a blessing. I guess he is an honest man, after all. Ugh, Mimi.

I like that Alex likes Arnold Palmers. A friend of mine and I put Mango Rum and a splash of Pineapple vodka in them and call them Island Palmers. Highly recommended.

How hasn't Bonnie met Alex yet? I thought she and Justin went to Arizona once.

Eric and Jada might go running together. If they do, I wonder how many people they will inevitably bump into who will bring up Nicole. My guess is all of them.

I'm excited to meet "Joe and Vic." I hope this happens sooner rather than later. I might already have something in common with the twins. I may get why Alex annoys them.

If Bo had Angela, and she struggled to get a good guy like him a second-second chance, the DiMeras' guardian angel must have some serious dirt on Soap God, since they're allowed to bounce back so easily. Blackmailing a deity sounds very DiMera. Then again, I might be looking in the wrong direction.

I have a feeling "Greg the Mugger" only resorted to robbing people because his "career" as a TikTok D.J. fell through.

PARTING THOUGHTS

So, friends and fellow DAYS fans, that's it for August 1. Have you met anyone in the last 24 hours you're engaged to? Which Salem freaks do you love the most? With that, Laurisa will be back next week to scream, "It's alive!" once Dr. Rolf and his Ponytail of Terror resurrect Jake. As always, thank you for reading, and "That's a fact."

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