Ain't no party like a Salem party

Even Downtown Julie Brown couldn't introduce all the funky, random beats at Club Salem last week! Congo roads took Eric home. Nicole was walking on sunshine, but the rain came again. Ciara thought this s--t was bananas, but Ben remained hopelessly devoted. Phil and Brady both think the doggone girl is mine. Can Allie get over all the things she said? Julie believes Xander is unbelievable! Abe was crying a river. And Auntie P was kicked out for bad behavior! So, get on your S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y night best because we're going to dance and have some fun in this week's DAYS Two Scoops!

I sure hope there's a dry cleaner in Price Town because I'm speeding through my spiffy summer suit collection, going to all these Salem shindigs. Thankfully, I've only needed one neatly wrapped gift to take to every occasion. None of our guests of honor get to opening them, anyway. So, a simple card swap, and I'm ready for the next attempted celebration. Cheap? Nah. I like to call it practical, given the town's track record, because their ain't no party like a Salem party, you know. Fun at first. Boohooing by the abrupt ending.

So, since Salem bashes are a bit random, at best, let's set Spotify to shuffle, see what comes up, and do a little dancing as we party our way through this week's Random DAYS Two Scoops. Get ready to boogie in five, four, three, two, and one...

Move, Marlena. Move! I want in on that "Eric's home" hugging action. I loved the love fest between him and his family. It's infectious. Greg Vaughan brings such a captivating charisma to the role, it's hard not to get excited when he returns.

Though Eric returning is bittersweet. The reunion between him and Nicole was the sweet, but the affair is certainly an elephant statue in the room. It's like knowing what Travis Coates is really stating when he asks Old Yeller in a doggy voice, "Who wants to go outside!?" It's not good. It ends in a bang. Xander is said bang that Sami loaded the gun with. So, get out the striped referee shirts and tissues for next week. We'll likely need them.

Damn it! Bonnie has Justin and a Dolly Parton nightlight!? Now there are two reasons to be jealous of her.

At least Justin made one brilliant choice last week. I wouldn't want to be in the middle of CIN's cage fight, either. It's best to sip cocktails ringside and wait for her memory to return with the rest of us.

Wait! Why are we just now getting so much Lucas and Philip time!? They're hilarious together. The gem that is the brotherly chemistry between Bryan Dattilo and Jay Kenneth Johnson feels like it's been hidden in front of our faces this entire time. More, please!

Guh! I miss Will and Sonny. If I fly to Arizona and leave a breadcrumb-like trail of plaid shirts and vests from their home there to Salem, I wonder if they'd follow.

Ciara suggested that she and Theo get married on CIN's anniversary date. Yep. That happened. And nope. No awkwardness there. At all. Keep moving.

It was the best of times when Justin turned down Bonnie's proposal at the end of Monday's episode. "Dreams really do come true," they say.

It was the worst of times when, on Tuesday, the show tricked us, and he became an old-fashioned gent who had to propose himself. "They" lied. We'll talk about this later, Mr. Kiriakis.

At the very least, Gwen could launder Xander's clothes before the bus tire tracks set in while he's in lockup.

That flashback of Sami speaking to Johnny made me wonder if he has a bionic eye like Steve does. I guess we might find out soon enough. *exaggerated stage wink*

So, Jake's becoming Gabi's plotting Padawan. Well, more like her acolyte. Anyway. I could get behind this. The couple that schemes together stays together. I think I read that on a decorative pillow somewhere.

I'll give them this -- Chanel, Allie, and Tripp are great communicators. They each openly shared their honest(?) feelings, comments, and concerns. There's that.

Though, I suspect Allie isn't entirely being forthcoming. She still seems unsurely smitten with Chanel. Or maybe her confusion only lasted 20 minutes. I'm not sure, but she decided, while she has a connection to Chanel, she wants to be with Tripp. Okay, then. There's that, too. And, like, noooooobody will get hurt by this choice down the road, I'm sure. Nope. Nobody. Or we can brace for impact now. I'll grab the ice cream and cue the breakup mix.

I'm deliriously happy that Jack went to Steve about Gwen. The Johnson bros both need something to sink their teeth into right now. Like, please, let this be the start of storylines to come of them teaming up because, really, a private detective and an ace investigative reporter might be able to help each other more than once, considering all the mysteries Salem has to offer.

Surely it was wicked of Sami to spring Xander upon the engagement party, but that scheming smirk at the end of Friday's episode was epic. Oh, Scami Gene!

Justin was super quick to declare that Sonny would be his best man. Nice and all, bbbuuuttt...don't you have, like, three other sons, Mr. Kiriakis? Standing up for him and Bonnie sounds like a task for a least favorite child. Don't bring our Care Bear Sonny into this mess again.

I get that in a "I Hate Ben!" way, Chad would be happy for Theo's engagement news, but I'm surprised he didn't counter that congratulations with some "I Love Theo!" concerns.

Julie and Xander's hilarity is saving this Doc Snyder storyline because, really, the crime is moving a dead body, I think. That should be a ticket offense in Salem. In Rafe and Hope's hands, that was simply part of a storyline. This group needs a better plot, but let's keep the humor between them coming, please.

I'll let Lani take this one. She told Auntie P, "Good thing Jules didn't end up with you as a godmother." Ouch! Nicely played, Detective Price-Grant. Though she should have mic-dropped that statement by pulling out the tuition check and ripping it up in front of Paulina.

And double ouch! I completely agree with Laurisa's Two Scoops last week: "Abe Carver's mean face...[is] the scariest thing in all of soapdom." And now Paulina's gotten it twice. This time her non-response was deafening when Abe asked her to stop the demolition of the square. Oh, Auntie P. I thought we all had something special, but I'm with Abe, who's angry, hurt, and disillusioned.

I mean, maybe if Auntie P wants to send Brady Pub fries, limoncello, and some assorted baked goods to the DAYS Two Scoops offices, it might be a nice foot forward in repairing burned bridges. Just saying.

From a purely planning and revenue aspect, I'm disappointed in Paulina. There are square storefronts with displays still in the windows. What a waste of merchandise! Remainder the rest. Have a "Pre-Demo Sale in the Square." Everything must go and such. Yep. Poor planning and a waste of potential profits. I mean, "Save the Square!"

Aside from their obvious history, I forgot that E.J. and Nicole had that Nashville connection, too. I want to see a side series on streaming about that warehouse full of psychos and patients. Something tells me there're some scandalous stories to be shared.

I must give Julie credit. Even begrudgingly, she's always willing to learn. Tom and Alice would have been hospitable. There's that. Still, while I'm not a prude, I do feel her pain. Some things are better left behind closed doors when one's a guest.

Nevertheless, I second Xander's comment about Julie and her love for the sofa. It needs to be dialed down, for her sake. Look, we have the doughnut recipe, the namesake Christmas ornaments, flashbacks, knickknacks, and hopefully a restored Tom and Alice plaque soon. The Horton house has been generally unchanged since 1965. It's also greater than the sum of its parts. It's home. It'll always be where the heart is. You get the picture.

Now, while I get Julie's sentimentality, as I adored her grandparents, too, maybe move the sofa to her room if it's that important, and get a new one for the living room. I'm sure guests would appreciate a comfy new pullout, and Ciara would, you know, be less retraumatized every time she visits. There was recently a dead body on it, also. And it would make Julie's statements like, "If you could talk, the tales you'd tell" seem less icky. I'm doing this for you, bae. So, Julie, grab my wallet, I'll take you for mimosas and couch shopping.

I'm glad Chanel turned down Paulina's offer to incorporate Tasty Bits into Price Town, but it brings up the greater point -- why can't Chanel find another property? My guess is the incentive being offered made it affordable, but I think she has more options now. Abe and Lani are so peeved at Paulina, they may invest just to spite her. Or Chanel could rent space from an already established eatery or do a limited pop-up. Julie could stick it to Paulina by letting her daughter dish out desserts from her kitchen, or, since Henry has Roman wrapped around his little finger, I'm sure Allie could secure the pub's equipment. Food trucks are en vogue, too. So, let's go, ladies. Let's get that bakery going.

Why wasn't Abe at the anniversary party!? He and Nicole are family, as are he and the Bradys. It's one big bunch of family. Boo to him missing out! Well. Did he, though? I guess he's already depressed enough. Maybe he's having a commiserative cocktail alone at Chez Rouge. I'll be there to bolster you once I get Julie a new sofa, Mr. Mayor!

HOT

I don't care how long it's for, but Greg Vaughan visiting Salem is never, ever a terrible thing. I miss this uber talented thespian! So, welcome home, Eric, but, uh, sorry about all the chaos. Salem, you know.

NOT

At first, I thought, "Fiddlesticks! Justin and Bonnie are engaged." Then it dawned on me. Good! Throw them a big -- no, no -- a HUGE on-screen wedding and plan a big huge party for them afterwards. Invite all of Salem. All of 'em. Even mean FroYo manager Fran, and someone please track down Rory. The guy that pried off the Horton Town Square plaque a few weeks ago? Yep. Get him, too! The more the merrier. Bring a friend. Yes. Yes. If this jam-packed event doesn't detonate this duo, nearly nothing will!

After all, I don't want to resort to Plan K -- getting Kristen to dress up like Justin and break up with Bonnie. Then again, she's in a letter-writing phase, and, well, her secret room days were much more entertaining. Anyway. Celebrate while you can, Bonnie. Celebrate. While. You. Can. *insert evil laughter*

LINE(S) OF THE WEEK

Xander: "For the love of God, Julie, what is it with you and this sofa? I'm surprised you don't have 24-hour guards posted."

Lucas (to E.J.): "A hurricane couldn't clear the air between us."

EXCHANGE OF THE WEEK

Lucas (on his faux brain tumor ruse): "It worked for a little bit, yeah, but eventually, Chloe caught on because I was an idiot about it. I was talking about Antarctica and penguins and stuff. I went over the top."

Philip: "You think?"

EVEN MORE RANDOM THOUGHTS

Ha! I love funny John and Marlena. I bet there's a stack of "dad joke" books on his nightstand beside his CD full of memories and various updated driver's licenses to reflect his changing identities over the years.

Julie cracked me up when she exclaimed to Eli, "Let's go!" Those two have a very Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot vibe. Well, "Grandma Will Shoot" vibe. That's not a bad thing.

Yes, Bonnie. Kayla is way too nice. I'm not. So, maybe, leave her alone?

I'm also a fan of Gabi having Sami's back!

It got to me when Brady said, "You're kind of married to one of my favorite people in the world." Aww! I love best buds Brady and Nicole. I'm glad their friendship rebounded.

I want DAYS to recreate the My Two Dads theme with Eric and Sami as the narrators and Roman and John as, well, the dads. Their dynamic still intrigues me. Like, I want a stand-alone episode of just Ro Ro and John comparing "Roman" notes while day drinking.

It made me smile that Lani talked to Tamara! I wonder how she's doing!? Right. Not the time to ask. #SaveTheSquare

Hmm. I wonder what's so special about Harold's iced tea. If he's dealing with the DiMeras all day, I'm guessing he makes his more "Long Island" than southern style.

A DAYS promo aired during a commercial break from DAYS. Umm. Isn't that like telling everyone eating tiramisu how good tiramisu is!? Get out there. Tell the others not eating it. NBC Marketing at its best! Oof.

Very posh outfit, Mrs. Williams. I love it. It's like if Dorothy and Blanche came up with an outfit together. Of course, Julie has Sophia's mouth. Which officially makes her three-fourths a Golden Girl! Again, I love it.

Also, Belle's shimmery green dress was great.

Though when did Belle and E.J. become pals? I don't mind it. Just curious.

I hope there're more reasons for Sami and Xander to scheme together, as their banter was a hoot!

In no way, shape, or form do I actually want to encourage this Justin and Bonnie madness, but you'd think she'd at least reach out to Hattie to be the maid of honor. Oh, Ms. Adams. Visit soon!

Gwen's "Oh, this feels like a mistake" commentary while Xander challenged Julie was hilarious. See, Ms. Rizczech-Deveraux finally made a wise call. Finally!

Score one for Philip! He wasn't wrong when he stated, "I'm family. Nicole used to be my stepmother." Well played, Dimples.

If Chloe's injured arm were a Salem child, it would be a teenager by now. Isn't it time to SORAS her out of that sling?

Finally, I feel like there's the view into a giant terrarium instead of a window to the outside behind the desk at the DiMera Enterprises office. I can appreciate the calming effects of nature, though I'm waiting for a giant turtle to dawdle past. I dunno. This view just does not scream, "Empire!" I feel like that particular power seat should have a view of all of Salem. The entire kingdom. There's no way Stefano wouldn't want to spin and look at the city he ruled while petting a cat. Probably while listening to opera. Then again, maybe the Phoenix enjoyed flora and fauna and watching his giant turtle. Again, I dunno.

PARTING THOUGHTS

So, friends, fellow DAYS fans, and party people, that's it for July 19. As your faithful columnists are gearing up for the 200 Meter Synchronized Two Scooping and Wine Sipping event at the Tokyo Olympics, I'll be back next week while Laurisa travels to Japan with our custom bedazzled and fringed his and hers matching unitards and our competitive wine collection (courtesy of Li Shin *giggles*). As always, thank you for reading, and "That's a fact." Tony

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