I got a real good feelin' somethin' bad is 'bout to happen

The DiMera stairs! A devious, delusional killer! A dirty doctor!? Dangerous drivers! Nope. It doesn't take Celeste or Susan to predict that Salem isn't for the faint of heart this May Sweeps. Let's grab a drink to toast to the delicious, diabolical dangerousness of it all in this week's Two Scoops!

Well. It can officially be said that nothing good ever happens on the DiMera staircase. Just ask Fay Walker. Oh, wait. We can't. She's one of the few Salemites who took that tumble and didn't get some of Dr. Rolfie's miracle elixir. Did never fix her. True, sir, true. Boo. We could use a little Fay to slap some sense into Nicole, but I digress (for now).

So, THAT happened. Which "that"? Oh, there were a lot of those "thats" last week, which means DAYS is doing its darnedest to deliver us a marvelous May Sweeps. Bombs went off all over Salem, in fact. Let's loop back to that infamous staircase to start...

First, applause -- an abundance of applause; an overabundance, even -- to Marci Miller, Billy Flynn, Emily O'Brien, and, of course, Matthew Ashford! They're all fantastic. They're playing out one of the sudsiest of sudsy soap storylines, and they've made it into a masters' class in acting. That shouldn't be overlooked, even if the plot has been pretty predictable.

That is, raise your hand if you didn't guess that Gwen would blame Abigail for the miscarriage. Anyone? No hands. Yep. That seems about right.

And Gwen is all wrong once again. She took the low road, and she really didn't need to this time. If her goal was to make Abigail look and feel terrible, I think explaining the situation would have done the trick. "I was on my way to tell everyone I miscarried, Abigail went off on me, and I couldn't get a word in edgewise. I went to leave, and she followed me. As we fought, I tumbled down the stairs." Yep. That's pretty bad, too. Not "I pushed my pregnant sister down the stairs, which resulted in a miscarriage" bad, but bad, nonetheless. It also would have been more shocking to the audience to see her be truthful. Stupid Gwen! Sometimes the truth is bad enough to do the damage you need it to do. Again, scheme smarter, not harder.

Alas, now Gwen and Abby are becoming the new Tom and Jerry of Salem. Sure, Gwen instigated all of the madness, but Abigail isn't above the fray. The last sisterly rivalry that got this ugly might have been Sami and Carrie. Oh! Abigail should ask the Brady sisters how they overcame their obstacles. That won't be awkward. At all. Nope. Maybe E.J. and Austin can come, too. You know. A real not-awkward-at-all question-and-answer sesh. Okay, I'm backing slowly away from all of that, as we have to chat about Ms. Janet Spears.

Jan basically stated that she killed Charlie for Claire's sake. Because, you know, they're besties. Mentally, it's not pretty-pretty in Jan's World. So, really, at least she's consistent by wanting to friend Claire, marry Shawn, and kill Belle. By "kill," I mean "get rid of" Belle, but it's Jan, so maybe kill, too.

In any event, I loved all of the "think tank" and investigation scenes with Belle, Shawn, Marlena, John, and company. They were super quick to conclude it was Jan. This is totally juicy, as she doesn't know they're onto her. I can't wait to see what happens next, though I hope not a trifecta of comas for Ms. Spears. She needs a padded cell more than another nap, and we need more Jan. Please, oh please, can her cellmate be Dr. Charlotte Taylor!?

Speaking of "she doesn't know they're onto her," hello, Kristen! Your goose is about to be cooked, and I'm handing out napkins. Brady finally knows the truth. Even though his plan is to sneak her back into Statesville, I'm fine with this. It's time. We all need a Kristen break, even Brady. I just hope that he, you know, survives long enough to expose her! Screeching tires and blinding headlights are never a good sign on Salem roads. Hang in there, Brady! I'm already on my way to get Oracular Toddler Holly in case we must use her as a defibrillator -- again.

Though, the way Kristen's luck goes, Brady will get selective amnesia and Kate will be in a coma. Or vice versa. Nothing ever seems to stick to her. She's like Teflon. Well, a Teflon frying pan disguised as a pot masquerading as a griddle, yet nobody can tell the difference in the shape of the cookware. Oh, silly Salemites.

At the end of the day, I agree with Ms. Banks. Susan stated, "I'm so over this charade." Oh, sweetie. Welcome to the club.

Oh, and Chanel and Allie kissed! THAT happened, too. I think Chanel discussing her sexual fluidity was the first glimpse into actual character development we've had. Prior to this, we've seen her be a spoiled brat, a scheming brat, and a behemothly big bratty brat. So, let's see, I'll take a "Glimpse into actual character development" for three martinis, please.

As it turned out, Allie doesn't share Chanel's fluidity, but it's cool. They're good. They're still besties. And I love all of this. It's the most fun I've had with either character to date. I'm glad Allie will be there for Chanel, no matter what, and Chanel pledged to be there for Allie, too. As long as Allie doesn't revert back to the brat we met many moons ago, I'm eager to watch their friendship bloom from martinis to maturity.

I also want Claire as a friend. She might have a wonky moment or two now and then, but she is loyal to a fault and will go after anyone who poses peril to her pals. Even back in high school, she spent the night in jail for sticking up for friends. So, I can see why Jan wants to be her bestie. Or her bonus mom. Whichever.

Oh, Lani. Lanister. Lans. You were just making some headway, and you go and ask animal-killing Chanel to be a nanny? Oh, Lani. No. Just no.

I'm stubborn. I can hold onto faith for a long time for little couples that just couldn't. Like, probably too long. Sure, my "Dansea" shirt has faded, but I'll still wear it with pride. With that, the idea of Philip and Gabi seems to be fading like my aforementioned tee, so I think it's time either Stephanie Johnson or Morgan Hollingsworth returns to Salem for some more Dimples lovin'.

Roman and Philip make weird but not-weird-at-the-same-time lonely hearts drinking buddies. Then again, I guess Roman is his former stepfather. And that's weird to recall.

Love Roman as I do, but, my man, "Kate" JUST broke up with someone, and you ask about a do-over!? Like, JUST ended a relationship in front of you. Not hours ago. Live action. You were there. Watching. I know Kate's fabulous eight days a week and twice on the weekends, but slow your roll, Mr. Roman. Let's hope the real Kate doesn't hear about his tenacity, as it might be a turnoff in this case.

Lucas and Sami's banter is brilliant, but I hate what's happening to Chloe. She doesn't deserve the lies being slung at her. I'm glad this storyline seems to be wrapping. More on that in a minute!

Hey, Nicole! Make things between your friends uncomfortable lately? Look. I get that her situation with Eric isn't ideal. I miss Eric, too. We all do. I get that Rafe is right there. But one, sisters before misters. Two, seriously, go visit Eric -- you have plenty of free time. Three, join Black Patch as a consultant. You'd fit in. They day drink and investigate things. In other words, martinis and nosiness. See what I mean by you'd fit in, Mrs. Walker-Brady.

We all agree that this Dr. Clay Snyder is a creep, right? Like, he oozes shades of Liam Frasier and Dr. Henry Shah. Thankfully, Jennifer's in Boston, or this would turn out so, so bad.

Then again, if we fail to get another Jenny Bear cameo soon, I'm totally breaking into Snyder's white panel van because...oh, let's be real...this guy has one somewhere, like, on an abandoned family farm or a warehouse on the pier. Fifteen seasons of Criminal Minds has taught me to spot shady. And that nothing good ever happens in a white panel van. So, yep, guy's likely a creepster. What sordid secret do you think he's hiding? While you ponder, I'm calling Garcia for a background check.

Also, Doc Snyder has a lot of faith in Salem University Hospital. He must be new. And crazy. Like, twins were recently kidnapped from there by a former staff doctor who stayed mum about a baby swap involving a dead one. Let's not forget all the not-dead dead people who were declared dead there. Oh, and at least two stairwell deaths and many, many, like, too many, DNA swaps. Sure, Clay, Salem U forever!

And, finally, yeah, Snyder! Take your damn paws off Ava's son. Thankyouverymuch.

HOT Oh, hello, Stan! Ridiculous? For sure. Amazing!? You betcha! Way to dig into the history books for that, Team DAYS! And...AND Dan Wells even returned for the guest spot! I felt like it was 16 years ago, and I was DAYS fanboying out to all of this. Yes, please. Plus, we got legit flashbacks and heard Sami state, "Chloe was going through her Phantom of the Opera phase because of her scars." Ha! And at the end of the day, the Chlomeister proved she still has possession of the Salem Brain and figured out pretty quickly that Sami was Stan-ing it up again, and they were lying to her. Oh, go get 'em on Monday, Ghoul Girl!

NOT Oh, Gwen. No. Just no.

LINE(S) OF THE WEEK

Bonnie: "Oh, Jan. You should probably stick to your imaginary boyfriend, George Glass, 'cause Shawn will never fall for you in a million years!"

Jan (to Claire): "I have allowed myself to imagine a future with your dad."

Claire (to Xander): "Wow. Gee. A thirdhand, unethically sourced engagement ring from a drunk serial proposer."

Pop-Pop Victor would be so proud of Claire Bear for the abovementioned Xander burn. Burns. In fact, their entire scenes were random but hysterical. We need a reason for all the Kiriakis clan to get together.

My new plan is to plan Rafe and Ava's date night. I will tell them both that the other wants them to cook, so they'll whip up something yummy, as we know Rafe can hold his own in the kitchen. Then, I'll tell them the other burned it and to meet at Chez Rouge. Then, I get dinner for days, and they get a carefree date night. There's leftovers in it for whomever wants to help pull off this scheme. I mean, arrange this date night for a cute couple.

I feel like Steve has enough time on his hands that he could be helping the other half of Black Patch patch together a Jan investigation. He sat out looking for Hope. Now this. What's this dude doing all day? Right. Day drinking and harmonica playing at the pier, I bet. No wonder we don't see him.

No specials at the Brady Pub!? I'm turning your words against you, Ro Ro, and asking, "What da hell!?" One job, man. One job.

Speaking of jobs, maybe Allie and Chanel can work at Buddy's Burger Barn! While they're too posh for that nosh, something about that scenario sounds amusing. Could be a very Schitt's Creek meets 2 Broke Girl$ feel.

"Bonus Mama." Ha! Jan might be crazy, but she's also crazy entertaining.

Roman spending time with Henry was adorable. As was his chat with Allie! DAYS does those little sentimental scenes so well.

I could watch Justin versus Melinda all day. They make excellent sparring partners and are far more entertaining than he and Skankers McHot Sauce. Whoops. I meant Bonnie.

Begrudgingly, I admit that Bonnie and Jan's jabs at one another were hilarious. The dark web stuff was wonderful. Though, while the Big Bon Bon scored some points with Brady Bunch humor, I think Jan won the round with her take on the impossible, "Let me give you another example. Justin Kiriakis fell for you, and you're just a poor man's version of his dead wife." Ouch!

Jake and Ben's bromance is brilliant. Ben and Tripp? I may need some more time with that.

If being Brady's baby mama doesn't work out for Kristen, maybe she could make a living breaking up with people for individuals who don't want to do the deed themselves. She's very good at it, really. Dig for a few nuggets of info. Blow said nuggets up and out of proportion. Cause a scene and, bam! You're single. There's a market for this. I just know it.

Chanel might have a soft spot for Allie, but I'm still convinced her moving in with Lani and Eli will create a Carrie/Austin/Sami vibe. Just a hunch.

Chloe's comedic side cracks me up!

Also crack-up-worthy, Nicole's digs at Kristen. She's not wrong, Brady. At all.

Chad said he needed an ambulance at the "DiMera house." Damn, dude. If that's a "house," I'm interested to know what he considers a mansion and, sort of, embarrassed to think of what he'd call my place.

Chanel said she likes to keep it moving. She only spent six months in London and had a legendary going-away party. She showed up in Salem on...okay, I know someone out there is keeping a countdown now as of last week.

I'm not going to lie. I kind of want Sami, Kate, and Vivian to team up on Kristen. That would be a fun, fair fight.

Oh, no! Scary thought. I hope that Chanel doesn't become a nanny and offer to nanny Henry, too, and that turns into an entire The Hand That Rocks the Cradle meets Fatal Attraction-type scenario.

At first, I was excited about all this dessert island stuff. Like a beachfront resort full of Maggie's lemon bars, Kayla's pies, and such. Nope. Desert island. Boo. Bring a book to that party.

Though I really thought when Sarah and Kate were found there, Hope would be a captive, too. Thankfully, Fancy Face is safe in Africa. Kate seems to be in peril in Salem. And, well, sucks to be Sarah. I repeat, "Boo."

...but for real, when do Tony and Anna visit next? I need a fix of their fabulousness. Please and thank you.

I adore that Sami and Lucas still call one another instead of texting. It's a true sign of their closeness...and age. I can say that! I'm a "caller," too.

If Ava needs a job, maybe she should take over the kitchen at Julie's Place. One, she can cook like a champ. Two, reformed Julie could use a new reformer-in-training padawan. And three, Rafe's former, uh, Julie-in-law and his current something-something sounds like a rather entertaining duo. Mangia, mangia!

Oh, Ben. Bud. The worst part about trashing your place is putting it all back in, well, place once you've calmed down. That and the walk of shame through Target to get replacement frames and such you broke. Always, always just throw one vase at the fireplace. That should suffice for any soap tantrum. The more you know and all.

I wonder if Chloe's gift to Rachel is a flowchart of her changing parentage in a kitten-covered photo album. Happy Mother's Day and Birthday, Rachie-B.

Kristen's impersonation capers could be so much cooler if Dr. Rolf would make her some Jemstar earrings and a hologram projecting supercomputer. All together now, "It's showtime, Synergy!"

PARTING THOUGHTS So, friends and fellow DAYS fans, that's it for May 10. From the bottom of my heart to all you moms, mums, mamas, mas, mommy dearests, and everything in between out there, happy Mother's Day! In addition to being a general inspiration and paragon of unwavering grace and perseverance throughout everything that life has thrown at her, my mom got me hooked on DAYS. And I couldn't be more grateful to talk about "the story" each and every weekday with her. Thanks, Mom! With that, marvelous mother and all-around awesome person Laurisa will be back next week with an all-new May Sweep-sized Two Scoops. As always, thank you for reading, and "That's a fact."

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