Dammit, Janet!

We've learned the "Who" part of Salem's latest "whodunnit," but we're still waiting to learn why she, um, dunnit! Let's look at Jan's latest looniness as well as the chaos Kristen's continuing to cause, some spring flings that may heat up soon, and why nobody's looking for Hope. Let's grab a glass and head to Salem in this week's DAYS Two Scoops!

Congratulations, crimefighters! If you chose "Jan Spears...with the gun...in the living room," you win what felt like the longest game of Clue ever. Now you can just sit back and collect your prize...in several weeks, when this storyline is actually over. At the moment, only viewers and Ms. Spears know she said, "Sorry, Charlie," then shot herself a rapist. Cue Joanie Heslop to slyly state, "You're terrible, Janet."

Though I must wonder about Jan's reasonings. She's crazy like a fox. Well. A certified crazy fox, that is. Anyway. On Planet Janet, setting up Belle certainly checks. Her foe would be sent to Statesville (or given the death sentence, and I'm already imagining Jan's gleeful daydream about that. Ha!). Shawn would be single again. Of course, Claire could use a bestie again and would get one in the form of the wickedest stepmother ever. Sorry, Lady Tremaine. You'd have nothing on future-if-only-in-her-head Lady Spears-Brady. Yep. On Planet Janet, this all makes sense.

In one foul swoop, Jan's plan to frame Belle also exacts revenge on most of her enemies. Belle, obviously. John and Doc are both bothered by believing Belle -- as John would say -- popped a cap in Chuckie. They're devastated. And Jan knows this, as she heard the tape of John confessing that he saw "Belle" blast Charlie. Well, who he believed was 'Tink, but only we and Jan know that. I feel like that line should be followed by tossing our heads back and evil laughing, but I digress.

Belle is the first domino. Her fall takes down "Jarlena" then Shawn, Claire, and the rest of her family. Jan and Melinda can congratulate themselves. So. Yep. If Jan wanted mass devastation, she's got it. Is her plan actually working, though? Well. That will probably be filed under "Better Luck Next Time, Jan," based on her track record and all. She'll probably end up in another coma, too. There's that. But, like most baddies, she can revel in the ruckus in the meantime. Toot, toot! Hey, beep, beep!

Still, there are the crazy, soapy twists and turns we must also wonder about. Yes! It appears Jan is setting up Belle, but is it only out of spite? Could Charlie have attacked Jan, as well, therefore killing him and framing Belle would be a twofer on the revenge front? Is Jan doing somebody's bidding? Charlie's dad, as well as several Vitali mobsters, are still out there, and Jan has two comas' worth of medical bills and such to pay for. Then again, she did state before that her parents left her comfortable, so, who knows? At the end of the day, Jan puts the "c" in crazy, and Melinda's happy to have a new "who" in the "whodunnit" suspect position, even if she's wrong. Again. Yeah, about that...

Melinda speaks of citizens wanting an arrest. Lady, please. We live for this incompetency. It gives us time to place bets on the identity of the real killer and how many wrongfully arrested Salemites they'll charge before they get the right one. And by "get the right one," I mean they either stumble upon the killer or some Salemite has to explain the sordid story to them. They'll go in a blue room for a while, and then they'll be sent to Statesville, only to be out in a few. Salem justice, you know.

So, maybe a Roman Brady ago when big '80s hair was in vogue and we were asking, "Where's the beef?" we expected some po-po expertise, but those days are long gone. Salem's finest try their best, but they're more like Frank Drebin and company from Police Squad, and, funny enough, the biggest joke is usually Melinda. She's always so eager to be wrong again and again. And again.

I love the banter between Sami and Lucas! They're hilarious. The rest of the storyline isn't as amusing. I'm bored with this version of Kristen coming out on top time and again. In the past few weeks, she's gotten rid of Sarah, ensnared Sami (who ensnared Lucas) to do her bidding, and now she's knocked out Kate. For shame! Doc Horton and two of Salem's most seasoned schemers are down for the count because Kristen is jealous of Chloe? As Vivian said, "Come on!"

I'd have a lot more love for Kristen's storyline if I cared about her relationship with Brady. I don't. At all. And that's the problem. They were a one-trick pony whose routine has been played to death. Then the dead pony was beaten. Like, a lot. Lines like, "She's the mother of my daughter" and "Gosh, she's changed!" only make Brady look like more of a dolt. I'd rather him be a cheater with Chloe than an idiot for Kristen. At least that would finally give her a valid reason to be acting like a frantic, flaming fool. I don't know. My patience has run its course. I expect better bad from Ms. DiMera.

Though maybe it's the over-the-top use of an already over-the-top character like Susan that's exhausting me. Or the overuse of false faces. Maybe the dumbing down of a lot of characters to accommodate Kristen's recent ruse. Or merely the maddening monotony of it all. Again, I don't know. What I do know is that I'm ready to see Kristen either spend some time in the timeout chair so we can get excited to see her again or burst into a flaming Phoenix and burn down Salem for a bigger cause than believing her baby daddy MIGHT end up cheating.

If you need a reason why Kate and Vivian are -- and will likely always be -- two of my favorite Salemites, look no further than last week. They both summed up my feelings on this current version of Kristen rather nicely. An annoyed Kate asked, "What the hell is this?" then chanted "Stop. Stop. Stop." A vexed Vivian vented, "You're boring me. You're boring me," and sassily stated, "Oh, damn it, Kristen. Come on!" And so it's been spoken.

And speaking of sassy comebacks from exasperated folk, Claire asked Theo, "You're going to 'live in the now'?" Then Claire shook her head. Oh, Claire Bear. I know. I know, pal. That hurt my head, too.

But seriously. Theo. Buddy. Sit down. Sit. Sit. Sit. Now, get out your cell and dial 415-555-7285. Ask for Paul. Then, ask him how courting one half of a supercouple with amnesia will work out in the end. He's a soft-spoken guy, but I'd still hold the phone away from your ears as his screams of, "Don't do it!" are likely to deafen you. And you're welcome.

This spring, we have a few budding couples, it seems. There's Philip and Gabi. They're fun and flirty, though I worry about Philip in the long run. Gabi's surely not over Jake. Not even a bit. So, play it safe, Dimples, but I'm rooting for you. It's a new season, and new couples are welcomed. Shake-ups are good for the show sometimes, as it shakes out the old rinse and repeat of it all.

There's also Tripp and Allie. Hey. If they can get past everything, so can I. The chemistry between Lucas Adams and Lindsay Arnold is adorable -- the blushing and fluttery butterflies of it all. There's oddly something innocent about Tripp and Allie, even though their on-screen journey began in such an ugly place. I'm also glad to see they've addressed said ugliness. That should give them a decent foundation.

And I'm throwing this potential tryst out there now -- Ben and Claire. I'm not building them a ship. At all. It's just a guessing game. They're an easy bomb to detonate. A Ben and Claire hookup would devastate Ciara, as they're currently the two people she can't remember forgiving, and she will likely remember said forgiveness only for them to need to be forgiven all over again. Ciara will leave. Ben and Claire will commiserate "in the TV sense," which is getting snogged and having oopsy sex. They'll be full of regret when Ciara returns with a retuned memory around, say, the end of May Sweeps. Ta-da!

Oh, Chanel. If you're going to be a schemer, you have got to start scheming smarter and control your mouth. It's one thing to talk aloud in the park or on the pier, but never tip your hand in front of your mark. That's sloppy. She either needs a schemer tutor like Kate or Sami, or she needs to mellow and become a better Salemite under the tutelage of someone like Maggie or even Julie. As is, Paulina is being way too hard on herself. She didn't fail her daughter. Chanel is failing herself.

Finally, we get to Abby, Chad, and Gwen. What a mess, right? Yep. That's about the nicest thing I can say right now. Performances have been great. There's that. Still, my sympathy level for most of the characters involved is pretty low at the moment. I mean, at least Chad is advocating for therapy and taking it seriously. That's good. That puts him a little ahead of the curve. I guess. But again, what a mess. Once Paulina is done talking sense into the fools she's dealing with, maybe she could snap some sense into this crew. Here's to hoping!

HOT Ha! I could watch Paulina shutting down Xander and Chanel all day. Her laughter and quick comebacks at his quest to extort ten million from her were hilarious. From, "I don't have to do a damn thing" to "Now, this is just starting to get sad," I was chuckling and cheering her on. It's great to see smart, savvy Salemites. Well, Miamians. Still, I'll take all the smart and savvy I can get these days. And surely it stung her to learn Chanel was in on the ruse, but she'll come back swinging. Paulina's proven to be one amusing fighter so far. Cheers to more smart and savvy shutdowns!

NOT Oh, Kate. My love. I'm not mad. I'm just disappointed. You are too smart -- way too smart -- to turn your back on Special K! Like, I know your new island wear is wonderful and all, but there's more crazy in Kristen than sand on a beach. One should never turn their back on that. Ever.

LINE OF THE WEEK Chanel (to Xander): "You were three sheets to the wind, and Little Xandy was a no-show."

I feel like we should do a collection and send "Jarlena" an Edible Arrangement. They looked like they needed a pick-me-up. Poor things.

Also, poor Chloe. She doesn't deserve anything coming her way. The sweetie was even looking up brain tumor treatments and cures. Couldn't Sami or Lucas tip her off, and she could expose Kristen? That would be a lot of win for Salem and the Chlomeister.

I adored all the scenes between Steve, Kayla, and Tripp. Oh, that's Tripp Johnson, please. He officially had his name changed, and it was officially certified as a super sweet family moment. And the lab coat fit perfectly! Aw.

Steve and Jack's talk also was welcome! As was Brady and Sami's chat. They don't do it often, and it certainly had a purpose, but I enjoyed the interaction regardless.

Abe and Paulina sharing was nice, too. Not only did she score business wise, but that openness helped her grow as a character. Though a parent telling an adult child to get a job sounds like good parenting. Chanel is just not good at adulting. We need to remind Paulina of that.

Though, if Paulina needs to feel better about her "failures" as a parent, she should speak to Ava. There's a lot there to unpack. She'll walk away feeling better. Stunned. But better.

I'm having a Celeste-like prediction, darlings. I am going to speculate that Abigail will fake a pregnancy, steal Gwen's baby, tell her it died, and pass it off as her and Chad's baby for a while. That's dark, but Abigail's spiraling. Or Gwen will lose it and fake it. Either way, this pregnancy will not be a bundle of joy for anyone involved.

Congrats, Ben! You didn't inject your recovering, amnesic wife with a potentially unstable drug. See Abe for a hero award and a free sandwich at Salem Subs.

Heather Lindell will never not put a smile on my face. Her commitment to Jan's Jan-ness is fantastic.

Also, seeing Linda Dano back as Vivian was smile-inducing, as well. She's crushing the role. More, please!

Susan must be special. Everyone else is sent to the Salem Inn. She gets to stay with Jarlena. Though, if Mar thought Princess Gina was annoying, how on earth is she putting up with Susan?

I wonder how Tori and Paul are doing? Maybe this would be a good time for Paul, his mom, and his therapist suitor to visit Salem.

Hmm! We learned Tripp's stepfather's name is Silas Dalton. In my soap experience, named characters usually pop up.

I liked Kayla's blazer! Maybe she and Brady can go shopping together. Do a little "Who Wears It Better?" Salem edition.

Points to Lani! For real. She actually acknowledged to Paulina that she hasn't always made marvelous choices in the past. Self-awareness is awesome, Detective Price-Grant. I'm impressed.

You know, Shawn-D is busy, and Ciara is a mess at the moment, but maybe we could ask Roman and Shane to go find Hope. Or Steve as his part of Black Patch doesn't seem to be doing too much right now. Point is, find freaking Hope! Bring back Fancy Face. And thankyouverymuch.

PARTING THOUGHTS So, friends and fellow DAYS fans, that's it for April 26. As I'm heading to the Green Mountain Lodge with -- stop it -- not Li Shin *giggle* -- with someone special, Laurisa's back next week with an all new Two Scoops. As always, thank you for reading, and "That's a fact."

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