What's cooking, Salem?

Sometimes Salem serves up scrumptious spreads. Other times, we're left with a sour taste in our mouths as we feast on scraps. What was on the menu last week? Grab a dish, and let's taste test some food for thought in this week's DAYS Two Scoops!

You know that awkward, awful feeling when an enthused loved one cooks something and you really, really want to find it the most delicious, delectable delicacy ever, but, you know, tastebuds and all get in the way? Yeah. About that. I really wish Ava had been whipping up something scrumptious, but so much of DAYS last week was hard to swallow. I'm scooping this Two Scoops all out of love, as I want the show to be the best dish in town, and it normally is. Still, a lot of last week left me hangry for something different than what was being served. Let's look at the menu...

Whatever was cooking between Lucas and Sami seemed fun and fresh and friendly. They even had potato chips to share. My inner Kimmy Schmidt was going wild - besties, a bed picnic, and chips before dinner!? Um, yes! Then I realized the chips were a distraction. When the lid blew off the pot, all we were left with were some loathsome "Lumi" leftovers. I'm never trusting chips before dinner ever again. Now that reheated mess needs to be tossed in the bin -- pan and all.

And everything was going so well at first! Sami and Lucas were having a hysterical, yet heartwarming chat. I loved and related hardcore to her stating, "'Classic Sami' takes it out of me more than it used to." Preach, Sister Sami. Aging is not for the weak of heart, but I digress.

Sami and Lucas had a deep conversation about their friendship, which gave me the feels. That talk eventually led her to lamenting about E.J. Things are not good with Marshmallow Head. Sami's entire "Pain" speech was poignant. I've seen firsthand how much being a long-term caregiver can take its toll on someone.

Nope. It's not an easy life for either the patient or the caregiver. Things take time to heal, and some things never do. There's a lot of adjustments and adaptation. And while most caregivers would do it again, as it's an act of love, there's a lot of ugly mixed in, too. When a caregiver feels unappreciated or unloved, that's a terrible feeling.

Lucas was right when he stated, "Sounds like hell." I get Sami's pain and applauded Lucas for being on her side. Caregivers need care, too. So, yes. Things started friendly. Sami and Lucas have some of the best, well, best friend chemistry on TV. I love the "little L" version of "lumi." Yay for fun and friendly.

And then they got all kissy kissy. Nope. Not fun. Not fun at all. Though maybe Lucas and Sami stopped at smooching, and they didn't go all the way down Adultery Avenue. Maybe. Maybe? Please.

I also have to wonder, are they as good as friends as they appear? Sami's married and in a stressful situation. She decided to smooch with a man other than her husband. That's on her. Lucas is single and in a better headspace. So, I guess while she's more in the wrong here, adultery-wise (and let's be clear, she's wrong), I still have to question Lucas' motivations.

Knowing how much pain Sami's going through, is it wrong of Lucas to let the kissy kissy stuff go on just to scratch an itch? And which part of your friend baring her shattered soul makes one think, "Yep! Now would be a great time to make out if she makes the first move." Lucas was a little more mentally sober in this case, while Sami was a mess. They both just seemed lonely, comfortable, and horny.

Letting infidelity be added to Sami's already overflowing emotional plate seems a little selfish for a friend to let happen. Again, Sami's just as wrongly involved, but pumping the brakes is something a bestie should do for the other. As no brake pumping was done, it felt more like one person taking advantage of someone's vulnerability. And that's not cool. Okay. "The More You Know" shooting star was supposed to go off there but didn't. Bummer. Anyway...

I respect the legion of fans the "Big L" version of Lumi has, as we're all passionate about wanting our certain ships to sail into the soapy sunset, but I never saw the smoldering connection myself. Not even a spark. Again, they're great as besties. I completely buy that, and it works for them. Trying to pass them off as a main course doesn't seem fair to either character. Sami is too overpowering for Lucas, and Lucas is too grounded for Sami. They're very pumpkin spice macaroni and cheese. And yeah, that's a real product, but I digress again.

In the real world, a "Lucas" and a "Sami" make sense. They complement each other. He'd keep her grounded, and she'd spice things up for him. A real relationship goal.

In Soap Land, however, they're kind of a bore romantically. Sami's the kind of spicy one need to sign a waiver before sampling. Then there was Kate. Another strong spice altogether and overly involved in the Lumi dish. It never seemed about this deep love connection. It felt more like, what ruckus will Sami and Kate create over Lucas? Amusing and scandalous? Yes. But when Lucas and Sami finally got together, we got pumpkin spice mac and cheese. It kind of doesn't work, even if you want it to. It's a mismatched meal. So, I'll skip this option again, please and thank you.

I guess we can skip down to the kids' menu. There, you'll find a heaping helping of exasperation and infantile treatment. You see, Li'l Abby and Big Sis Gwen got lectured by their daddy, and he wants them to "make your father happy and shake on it." Those scenes made me cringe, and that was before the upchuck.

I get that Jack wants a cease-fire, but he was speaking to women in their thirties like they were children fighting over who gets the bigger bedroom, and, in her quest to win, Gwen just happened to pull Abigail's hair a little too hard. Whoopsie. So, sure, Jack wants them to call a truce. Good on him. Still, Abigail has the right to be upset and may need a wee bit more time to make peace with the woman who tore her life to pieces...and then puked on her.

I disagree with Chad. He said Gwen started the war. For selfish reasons, she unnecessarily escalated the conflict before gaining all the facts, but Laura fired the first shot for her own selfish reasons. Let's not forget that. Gwen is wrong. So was Laura. Both of those things can be right.

As for Gwen's apologies, um, sure. Okay. You said the correct words in the correct word order. Congrats on adulting, Gwen. Now walk the walk, pay for Abby's dry cleaning, and we'll see what happens. And don't say you're pregnant again. Wash that thought out of your mouth along with the vomit immediately, and we'll talk more about this later.

Speaking of frustrating, I get it, Ben. You're frustrated. Well, join the flippin' club, bud. We all are. As a result, my sympathy for him has run its course. I spoke of long-term care above, and, well, Ciara is the patient here. Not Ben. He needs to thank his lucky stars to have his wife back and sit like a big boy, maybe read one of the books on their psychically connected Reading Rainbow list, grab some grub from the pub, and be a little, well, patient. He should also try asking, "What does Ciara need?" as opposed to demanding "What I need from Ciara!" Ask around Salem, Ben. Memories will always return (like the dead) eventually -- and at the most dramatic moment.

Still, I did feel bad for Claire. She's done the work, too, and just wants her bestie back. I felt sadder for her than Ben as she's actually giving Ciara the space to recover, not bulldozing her into remembering. I also felt bad for Claire in a different way that she was tasked with waving the CIN banner and stating, "Hate me, but don't hate Ben!" Ouch.

Though one thing's for sure -- Ciara can still take care of herself. I know it caused her loved ones pain, but she still has a sharp tongue and courage, which should be encouraging for Ben. See. She's still in there! And hat tip, Ciara, you were hilarious and straight shooting. Victor and Chelsea are both proud of you.

So, Rafe had to scold a bunch of adults for lying to him...again. He deserves all the midnight snacks and more. I'm invested in this case as the suspects are being eliminated one by one, but the real culprit better be someone who's no stranger to sucking at life or has a memory issue (Hi, John!). I say "no stranger to sucking at life," as a loved one of one of the previous suspects sucks pretty hard if they're letting said loved ones go through investigations if they know they're guilty.

Oh, yeah. Hi, John! He said he can only remember the sound of the gunshot. Look. We love the man, but I'm going to call this one. His brain is a baggie of leftover scrambled eggs left out in the sun then eventually sucked up in a tornado. His mind's been erased, put on a disc, and broken due to excessive yelling. Thanks, Sami. So, as much as we love John, maybe it's time to send him to Bayview for a few days of treatment.

Maybe John could go with Jan to the mental hospital. I'm kind of living for the Jan and John Show, anyway. If he's scrambled eggs, she's fried eggs. Either way, I want to see more of their crazy.

Also, I wouldn't hate John being Charlie's killer. It would give Drake and Dee some meaty material and also send John to Statesville to meet his rouge's gallery of enemies. Danger, uneasy alliances, and such. I'm sure he wouldn't last long in the clink. Perhaps a deal of him going undercover to uncover some corruption could get him out sooner on good behavior, but the meantime might be interesting.

Then again, it looks like Tink is next week's prime suspect! She's down one coat button, and Rafe has one in his evidence bag that seems to match. The "Cut To:" after John pondered, "Then who did?" was also direct to Belle. Oh, dear, Ms. Black-Brady, what did you do!? If she was, in fact, the killer, that would be a bold move by DAYS, but I don't buy it. I believe Belle will be the next to get scolded by Rafe for not coming forward that she was there that night, but... I also believe Belle is covering for John, or believes she is.

There's also the chance that Charlie attacked Belle, and that's how the button broke. Maybe she shot him in self-defense, or maybe John did to protect his Tink. Either way, I'm curious. And Sami will be furious if they let her ad lib her way through arrests while they knew the script all along.

Yikes! Another course I'll gladly skip is whatever's happening in Xander's hotel room between him and Chanel. I don't know what makes me more nervous -- Chanel having Xander's wallet for a worrying multitude of reasons, the possibility of another he said/she said rape accusation, or another possible pregnancy. None of those screams, "Yes, please!"

I love everything about Paulina's plans for an indoor marketplace full of diversity and fabulousness. I do. Though I wonder -- why focus on the town square when Salem Place might be available? Like other iconic locations such as the pier and Chez Rouge, nobody seems to go there anymore. While the square isn't exactly lively all the time, people still trot through, but to save and renovate a decaying plaza is timely, as brick-and-mortar stores are suffering. Paulina could be a hero twice with one terrific idea.

Also, I'm sad. Entrepreneur Sonny would love Paulina's ideas for Horton Town Square. And Will would have worn something plaid and grinned as he stood at his husband's side. Ah, "Wilson." Come home soon!

HOT I needed something fresh and saucy on the menu, and Paulina is providing that like the boss she is! I love Paulina putting Chanel in her place, and Auntie Paulina is a hoot; however, I do suspect she has secrets, which I'm all in to discover. Plus, she's a powerhouse visionary, and I like her ideas for Salem. She'll get richer, and so will Salem, monetarily and in diversity. That's a lot of win brought to life by the amazing-as-ever Jacke Harry!

NOT Remember at the end of Revenge of the Sith when Darth Vader screamed a very, very overdramatic, "Noooooooo!" That. That's what the universe cried when Gwen suggested she might be pregnant. No. Just no. Or as my friend No would say, "No!"

LINE(S) OF THE WEEK Jan (to John on his attempt to strangle her): "One could say I sort of provoked you."

Ciara (to Claire): "You tried to set me on fire more than once!?"

EXCHANGE(S) OF THE WEEK Jack (after Xander bares a bottle of booze): "Where did you get that?" Xander: "My pocket." Jack: "Did you steal that from Julie's Place?" Xander: "That doesn't sound like something I'd do."

Lucas: "I just came to congratulate you on your release. Although they don't have a 'I'm happy that they didn't use your false confession to convict you' card." Sami: "Stop, all right? Don't make fun of me. It was a nightmare. I mean seriously -- my God -- I just -- I swear I am never going to confess to a murder I didn't commit again."

RANDOM THOUGHTS

When Abigail said "Uncle Mike" I immediately thought of Michael T. Weiss's version, and it made me happy. With all due respect to the other versions, his five-year stint was the one that spoke to me the most. I loved his comedic flair and warmness. He should check back into Salem when Jennifer returns. *crossing fingers*

Shawn said he'd "bring mama home." Yes, please. We need some Hope right now.

John stating, "What if I put a cap in him?" will never not be funny.

More Jan Spears? Yes, please.

Who wants to be ready to take Theo out for whiskey sours at Julie's Place when his heart is rebroken once Ciara remembers Ben? Poor guy.

Also, I kind of like the friendship between Julie and Theo. They're family-ish. It works.

Speaking of drinks, I was thrilled that Chanel was skeptical of taking a swig of what Xander was offering. Stranger danger and all. Well played, Ms. C!

Update: Johnny has moved out of the DiMeras' Italian palazzo, and Sydney went off to school. No word on if E.J. still looks like a marshmallow head.

Has "Eli and the Mystery of the Martin House" ever been explained? I know Deimos was murdered there, but we've all moved on from him. All of us. So, even though his apartment keeps expanding, why not live in a mansion for the space? Or sell it and use the money toward the family? It's confusing.

Speaking of ever-expanding abodes, if Dr. Rolf is doing something to Salem homes to make them grow rooms, then I'm officially petitioning for Kayla to get a larger chef's kitchen. For as much as she likes to cook and bake, there's no way that rinky-dink corner kitchenette is cutting it. And you're welcome, Sweetness. An apple pie for my effort? If you insist!

Also, if nobody else wants Ava's apartment, I'm in the market for a new place. If Paulina can be my agent, even better! And if anyone wants to help me move, meet me there around May Sweeps. Roman owes me a favor, so Brady Pub fries and beer for everyone!

I'm disappointed that the overanimated extras affectionately known as the Redheaded Lady and the Bearded Man weren't at the nurses' station when Ciara was ripping into Claire and Ben. They live for those kinds of public displays of drama.

Hear me out. Ava loves to cook. Kayla loves to bake. They should have a cooking show called BitterSweetness on SalemFlix. Just saying.

So, friends and fellow DAYS fans, that's it for April 12. I'm going to Rafe's with snacks and coffee, so Laurisa will be back with an all-new savory Two Scoops du jour next week! As always, thank you for reading, and "That's a fact." Tony

What are your thoughts on ? What did you think of this week's Two Scoops? We want to hear from you -- so drop your comments in the Comments section below, tweet about it on Twitter, share it on Facebook, or chat about it on our Message Boards.