Do you take this woman?

Would you RSVP to any Jan wedding in the future? Will the Deverauxs find their way back together? And is Lani the most delusional person in Salem right now? Let's talk about it all in this edition of Two Scoops!

When I was in high school, I convinced my best friend, Jamie, to go do something with me after school. It probably involved us driving to the mall while singing to the CD soundtrack of Baz Luhrmann's Romeo + Juliet. Whatever we did, it caused her to miss the Kristen/John wedding where John thought he was marrying Susan, but it was really Kristen, and those fake teeth went flying across the church. I didn't think I'd ever appreciate the well-deserved anger she lovingly harbored against me until this week.

This week was my favorite DAYS non-wedding in quite a long time. If someone had caused me to miss it (even for a BYGO Bath and Body Works lotion) I would be furious.

Her full name is Janet. Let's get that straight. Jan is just a nickname. Oh, and she doesn't like that (quite lovely, if I may say...what's that? I may not say? My bad, Janet. Proceed.) wedding dress or the lack of guests -- especially rude ones who leave in the middle to go pay their babysitter.

Friends, when Shawn removed that veil and Janet beamed with the glow of a crazy woman in love, I just howled. This whole scene was a soap masterpiece that made me cheer with utter delight.

I loved that all the players on-screen fell into the best versions of themselves. Marlena is a rock star in "doc" mode. Claire was precious as the conflicted friend/daughter who couldn't quite catch up with what was happening around her but desperately wanted to take charge. John hero-ed right up to convince Shawn that, yes, they needed to stall this as long as they could. Shawn was the perfect juxtaposition of a man furious and a cop who knew how to work a perp. And any time Brady finally gets a clue, I am here. for. it.

I was delighted when Brady ran into Eli in the square and had to convince him quickly that Belle was in trouble. Eli currently holds the title of Salem's Best Cop, so he sprang into action and helped Brady look for Belle. This cartoon chase led Eli back to Marlena's penthouse, where he witnessed John squeeze Janet's throat until she passed out. I make an emphasis on that because he didn't choke her, per say. He put one hand around her throat like he was Gaston from Beauty and the Beast and seemingly picked her up and sat her down on the chair in the living room.

This scene was so ridiculous, it looped back around into soap/melodrama nonsense. I couldn't help but enjoy every ounce of acting and choreography that went into making this scene great.

The fallout was a blast, too. Shawn put on his rightful cape (Eli might be the top cop, but Shawn is superhero status) and went to rescue Belle. He found Belle in Philip's bed, because that Janet is a planner and thinks of everything! Luckily, Philip was not too far ahead of Shawn, and they all could explain that Janet drugged Belle and set Belle up there.

Eli technically had to arrest John for trying to kill someone, but let's be honest. One claim of "not me, it was the brain aneurysm," and everything will be fine. Marlena rode with Jan in the ambulance, and I immediately got visions of Hannibal Lecter and an ambulance. Don't worry. Our Mar and her glove collection are okay. I can't wait to see what happens next!

The thing I will say is, Jan...excuse me...Janet is still relatively new to the love department. Once she gets a little more experienced, she'd realize that the best way to make a grand gesture isn't to profess your love to your target. Nope. The surest way to romantic bliss is to get the busybody aunt on your side to do all of your pressuring for you!

I kid. I kid. In all honesty, Jack's speech to Julie was touching. Since Jack and Kate's whole relationship happened across flashbacks from two or three episodes, I have no investment in this. I do have investment in the years I've spent with Jack and Jen. In that time, Jack's misguided and doofus compass may have led him to take the scenic route. But, he's always come back to Jennifer. So, I believed him when he thanked Julie for being there for Jen. I believe that he has always genuinely loved and wanted the best for her. And, miracle of all miracles, Julie believed it, too. Guess she knows what it's like to be the sinner in a relationship, as well.

So, with Julie actively campaigning for Jack, and Jack's kids still professing they're still quite a family, I'd say Jack hanging his ornament on the Horton tree this year is going to be one of our Christmas miracles.

And not to gloss over it, the scene with Abigail, J.J., and Jack at the pub was superb. As raw as the scene was a few weeks ago between Abigail and Jack, this payoff was worth it. That's because both parties admitted they were wrong. Make no mistake, Jack is ultimately the wrong-est. But Abigail stepped in it by declaring it at the moment for peak embarrassment for both of her parents. I loved that they both acknowledged it and hugged it out. And J.J. brought pie, so obviously he gets in on this group hug. Come here, you lovable, guitar-playing doughnut man!

LOOSE ENDS: Rafe and his new facial scruff are back in Salem! In not-at-all surprising news, it took Rafe a short amount of time to round up and nullify the threat from the Mexican cartel. In completely surprising news, Rafe "I know a guy" Hernandez heard nothing about Ciara's or Hope's disappearance.

Chad and Gwen were just as thrilled as you'd imagine they'd be to see Gabi back at the DiMera Mansion. But I was thrilled. I can't wait for someone to sense what Gwen is really up to. Normally, I see where the storyline is going to go and cringe at where I know it will end up. (See: Lani vs Eli) Gwen is the first bad guy in a while I've been cheering for to go down.

A few more things about Gwen. What's she talking about, saying she doesn't know anyone in Salem? Isn't it common knowledge she knows Claire? Also, Julie seemed to recognize Gwen from the night Abigail was drugged. If Julie connects those dots, what will she do with that information? Really, what will she do? Divulging it would mean she'd have to apologize to Gabi for accusing her of drugging Abigail! Can Julie do that?

I get strong Prince Hans vibes from Charlie. He's totally cute and a bit of a fumbling dork. But on his second date -- one where he was held hostage by a crazy woman who forced said date's father into marriage -- with Claire, he leaned in and all but declared that he "loved crazy" and would be there for her no matter what. I'm just saying, if this guy starts offering the village people shelter in the castle, we need to do something. I know we floated the idea of Tripp having a twin, but perhaps someone should check to see if Jan has a younger brother. She did mention she had an accomplice. Perhaps someone strong enough to carry Belle to Philip's bed? Just putting that out there.

Lani, Lani, Lani. It's never good when Kristen DiMera is the one in the scene with the most self-awareness. After Kristen flat-out said that she's in jail because she stabbed Victor, Lani ignored that and claimed Eli should have come to Lani and talked to Lani before taking dramatic action. This is ludicrous. Lani, of all people, should know that when someone is blackmailing you, the smart thing to do is run to a convent. I bet she's really mad Eli didn't go full-on nun yet.

I adore Xander and Sarah playing bumbling undercover detectives. Their playful chemistry is downright fun. I howled when Sarah reported back on what size the mystery woman is and started praising her shoe collection. At the end of the day, Xander and Sarah are both very intelligent people -- he of the streets, she of the book smarts. Yet, they're both equally suspicious of people's true motives. So, it makes total sense they could pull this off. I love this layer of their relationship.

HOT Heather Lindell is a national treasure. Thanks to the years she's spent playing this role, and the nature of the role, she can be an absolute bat-guano crazy villain. Jan needs no reason. She's just determined to get what she wants. Heather plays Jan with such a brewing insanity that when Jan does finally explode, you kick yourself for each time she started to trick you into believing Jan was anything but exactly what you knew she was. Oh, how I hope Jan survives just to let the divine Lady Lindell scare up another day!

NOT: I love me some Chad. I've been Team Billy Flynn since he came on-screen. But I'm really struggling with my Chadsworth at the moment. He doesn't think Jake deserves a spot in the company because...he's a little rough around the edges and trying to enter the family business as an adult?? Riddle me this, my man: who was that lanky gent with a past drug problem and a child he never knew about (okay, so that last part is legit DiMera) who had to learn to be part of the DiMera family as a 20-something?

And now he's having visions of Abigail sleeping with Jake because...her alter slept with Jake's twin brother?? I'm rarely an Abigail defender, but this chick is 100 percent into Chad -- oh, and has some major other things going on in her life right now not involving a potential romantic partner change. It's pretty petty and beneath him not to see it.

LINE OF THE WEEK: Abigail (about Jennifer): "I haven't spoken to her since I got drunk and broke up her marriage." Marci Miller's got underrated comedic timing.

RANDOM THOUGHTS Hang on. Can Shawn call her "Claire Bear"? I thought that was a John thing.

Philip hit the jackpot in the stepmom department.

Whatever business J.J. and Theo have going is doing crazy well if J.J. can take a last-minute flight to South Africa. Those things can't be cheap!

It was weird for Shawn to refer to Phillip by full name. Not only have they known each other their whole lives, but they're nephew/uncle.

I'm so confused -- Julie and Doug own Alice's house now?? I thought Jennifer owned it.

I feel like Kate would have at least a king size bed. I don't buy this nonsense about a queen.

No, thank you, to Julie for trying to tell Abe how to do his job.

Angela Van de Camp better be related to Bree.

Kate's realization that she's sleeping with Vivian's son did make me laugh. Viv would, um, not love that.

I think the scariest moment of the week was when Brady and John realized Belle wasn't available to take his case...so they might just have to call in...Justin.

You think the twins will be born in time to have their Horton ornaments on the tree? I hope so! If that happens, they could be in the running for youngest ornament recipients yet! Okay, to be fair, a lot of people don't know they're Hortons until they're grown enough for Julie to ignore them. But, I think the Elani twins have an inside track!

That's all for this week! Tony will be back next week to make darn sure Jan has a pulse because we cannot lose this gift to all soap villainy. In all seriousness, I hope you all had a happy Thanksgiving. I'm sure it wasn't the same as it has been in the past. But, if this community has shown us anything, it's that online friends can be just as supportive! I'm thankful to all of you who have reached out to me over the years. I hope you and everyone you love have a blessed holiday season! Laurisa

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