What did you say to me?

Has there ever been a better superpower than John's current rant-itis? Would you walk into his room right now, or would you send someone else? Let's discuss it all in this edition of Two Scoops!

DAYS is getting its money out of the hospital set over these last few months. It seems like at least one Salemite is in the hospital room at any given time. There are two at the moment! But while Ben resorted to cuddling a pillow and giving us a quite extended dream sequence filler, John was a few rooms over, developing what might possibly be the best medical condition ever.

Somehow, this genius of a man found a way to make it medically excusable to go off on people. And I mean scorch the earth under their very feet. Then, he can say "Whoopsie! It's not me! That was my aneurysm talking!" and this is all completely fine with people.

It doesn't matter how true the rant is or not. You do not have to apologize for any of it, either! I. Love. This. If there is a soap god out there, please -- oh, please -- send Julie immediately to John's room. Ha!

Actually, Lani is the one who needs to bring the next cactus. Good gravy, lady. I don't know if I've ever found Lani more insufferable than I did last week. It's not that I don't understand Lani's stance. Sticking up for your true friends is something DAYS bases a lot of history on. (Hi there, Roman and Abe!) But Lani and Kristen's entire friendship developed off-screen. These two people are fundamentally so different that we needed to see this friendship happen -- more along the lines of Xander and Maggie.

What I see instead is Kristen actually being a terrible friend to Lani. In addition to asking her to compromise her professional integrity, this woman tried to emotionally manipulate Lani's husband, using their dead son to do so! Look, if Lani were to give Brady a paper cut, Kristen would make it rain pain down on Lani so fast, it would make her head spin. Yet Kristen shows zero respect for Lani's marriage. You know, the one Kristen also took all the credit for. (I can't even with that one...)

I seriously cheered when Abe heard Lani's story and used all his awesome Abeness to suggest that Lani needed to go back and try that whole conversation with Eli over again. If we've learned it once, we've learned it a thousand times: Abe's advice is always the best!

Speaking of those who give awesome advice, I loved Nicole and Lucas' scene! Nicole's teetering on disappointing. She needs to check her own hypocrisy, especially when it comes to badmouthing Sami to Baby Horton just seconds after she made Lucas promise he wouldn't let Sami treat Holly poorly. For the record, I don't see Sami being actively mean to a child after going through the death of her own. Plus, I can see Sami wanting to give Nicole a taste of her own medicine by becoming Holly's favorite aunt!

But Lucas has experience handling this specific type of personality and put his skills to work. When Nicole complained that Sami dragged out things Nicole had done decades ago, Lucas countered with a simple, "Yeah, but you did do those things." Exactly, Lucas. Thank you. Hey, maybe he and John can get a good cop/bad cop truth tour going! I'd buy tickets to that show!

LOOSE ENDS: Philip and Xander continued to peacock around each other at the office, arguing over paint colors and favorite pens. Okay, that last one is fair. When I worked at a doctor's office, I found the perfect pen. But, if other people got to work before me, it was often already grabbed out of the cup. I may or may not have started taking it back and forth with me from work because I was so furious if someone else took it!

This seems to be a point that needs to be repeated, else it will become an incorrect part of DAYS cannon. Sami did not get a woman released from a mental hospital. Sami sped up the release of a woman who was already being released from a mental hospital. That's a big difference. However, I'm still on Belle's side for Sami being called out on bringing Jan back to Salem. Why Sami didn't make it part of the deal that Jan had to disappear after the trial is beyond me. Come on, Sami. Scheme better!

In other Sami's not so smart news, she thought you could leave the country with an unnamed minor who has no passport. Um, no. No, you cannot. And shame on you, Sami, for trying to do Lucas dirty like that. My guy has stepped up for you, and that is not the way you treat your grandbaby granddaddy! You don't get to ace Lucas out like that.

However, I have zero sympathy for Allie coming back and going all "the hell you are" on Sami. You ran out on your newborn, leaving instructions for the rest of his life in a note, lady. Nope. None of this would have happened if you'd thought about someone else and had one legal form created and signed.

In the least shocking news ever, there's no evidence of Ciara's body in that car. I think we all saw it coming, but that didn't make me any less happy for Hope when she found out. The look of (sorry) hope on Hope's face made my heart happy.

Eric received a visit from Angie, a stuhhning woman he knew from his time in Africa who is traveling the world to help raise awareness, funds, and help for her country. I suspect this will be Eric's exit storyline, though I have a hard time seeing how he can just leave Nicole and Holly, even if Nicole (and she will) insists he follow his passion to help people. This feels more like a storyline that would lead to a recast, but we'll have to wait and see what happens.

HOT Heather Lindell came to play, everyone! I don't remember liking Jan this much before, but that may be because she was a cartoon villain in her previous stint. This time, Heather's brought something cerebral and quietly menacing about Jan. It makes Jan downright terrifying! Jan's chat with Claire was chilling. And it painted Belle very much into an impossible corner. Belle's got to explain why Claire deserved a second chance, but Jan doesn't!* Your move, counselor.

NOT: This is a preemptive not -- more of a huge warning. If Belle agrees to represent Kristen days after she fired Sami as a client because Sami hurt John, it will be a hard pill to swallow. The crazy amount of harm Kristen has caused John, Marlena, Eric, Brady, and more is impossible to ignore. Plus, you know, I'm not sure how thrilled Claire and Shawn would be if she defends the person who tried to murder their PopPop. Tread lightly here, Tink.

LINE OF THE WEEK: Maggie (to Victor, after he announced he'd shoot Ben): "You can't do that! Do you want to end up in prison?!" Victor: "You're right. I'll hire someone else to do it."

RANDOM THOUGHTS Lucas says he has work to do. Does he? Is he working somewhere? I can't remember.

I'm no psychiatrist, but if Claire starts to think, "Hey, this chick sounds a lot like I did when I lit people on fire!" -- that's probably not a good sign!

I loved that, on his first day of work, Kate sent Philip a note about taking over the company soon. That's the Kate mom version of bento box lunches where the sandwich is in the shape of Mickey Mouse's head.

*My argument would be that Claire, like Ben, was a fairly decent and nice person who snapped. Jan was always kind of a bully and then became criminal. Her being "rehabbed" to be the person she was before she committed her crimes isn't exactly restoring her to being a beloved member of society.

Really? John can only imagine what it feels like to have a spouse die? Not only did one of his wives die, but Marlena was in a coma for how long recently? Maybe that's another perk of his aneurysm! He forgets terribly sad storylines! This just keeps getting better for Johnny Boy.

That's it for this week! Tony will be back next week to see who is summoned to John's Court of In-Your-Face Opinions. Brady's right there, so he's got to be the next one, right? We're not seriously going to go on pretending Kristen is the victim here, are we? Stay tuned! Laurisa

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