Say, "Yes!" to the mess

Holy Shin, DAYS Fans! Mr. Shin, that is. The enigmatic DiMera wrangler came to town, but not even he could lasso all the messes being made by our strange Salemites. Relationships imploded, serums were destroyed, and vows of murder were made. Yep, Salem is a hot mess right now (in the best way possible). So, let's get cruising into the chaos in this week's DAYS Two Scoops!

Weeks like the last make me fall in love with DAYS just a little bit more. It was fun. It was fresh. Was it perfect? No. But it was damn good. The action moved along, the dialogue was sharp, and we were left cliffhung yet again. I'd call that a successful summer week, well, sans a little dark cloud called Eric Brady. I largely love the guy, but he's like a black fly in your Chardonnay at times. More on that later, though. In the meantime, let's dig in by discussing two devilishly delicious dueling divas.

Camila Banus and Arianne Zucker brought it! They brilliantly turned backstabbing and bitchiness into an art form as the amazing race for the DiMera Enterprises CEO position heated up between Gabi and "Nicole." Both combatants were full of determination. They wanted that prize. Watch out, whoever was in their ways. Their bitter yet impassioned back-and-forth as they vied for the crown was a mix of "Great point!" and downright delusional behavior. I couldn't get enough of Camila and Arianne. Well played, ladies. Well played.

That leads to a question. Is either of them really that qualified to run the company at this point? When asked, my trusty Magic 8-Ball simply said, "Are you kidding me!?" and then I just heard a bunch of disembodied laughter. That was strange, but I digress.

Gabi and Nicole fought hard and dirty. They even both scored a victory by marrying a DiMera. Those men, well, let's face it, Stefan and Tony (Tony DiMera!) were merely pawns. I wouldn't count Tony out, though. He's never been one to be as nasty as the rest of the clan. That was usually reserved for Andre. But Tony can be cunning. His bottom line is reuniting with Anna. I wouldn't count on his long-lasting allegiance to Kristen. She's not Anna. And, you know, his sister. Ick.

Still, I secretly hoped that Gabi and Stefan, and "Nicole" and Tony would have been forced to live together in the mansion a la The Brady Brides when Marcia, Jan, and their new husbands had to share a home. Harold the Butler could totally step in for Brady maid Alice. I desperately want to see Gabs and company recreate the theme song, too. But, again, I digress.

Okay, so we did walk away from the week with a winner. And that winner is -- Gabi! She scored the final rose from Mr. Shin. Yes. Yes, I said it. Mr. Shin! He actually came to Salem. How about that!? It was like seeing your first-grade teacher at Target. It's like, "What are you doing here!? Don't you have minions for these trivial tasks? You're a rock star!" But he did come, and Shin hit the fan.

I kind of thought Mr. Shin would be used to DiMera drama. I mean, the guy had to do damage control for Stefano and Andre. If he can razzle-dazzle the general public with his own version of "We Both Reached for the Gun" for those two, you'd think he could spin any disastrous DiMera deeds the next generation did without flinching. Nevertheless, I cracked up when he casually poured himself a drink during the chaos between Gabi and "Nicole." I don't blame the guy. I tossed one back while watching that show, too.

In the end, Gabi won the round and kicked Stefan out of the mansion! That was after he was all "my feelings run deep as an endless well." Or something like that. The fool loves her. I think she's fooling herself if she doesn't think she's fallen for him, too. That's neither here nor there, as Kristen is totally upset that her plans fell apart, and she vowed to kill Gabi dead. And... cliffhung. Damn it!

So, sure. Sure. CEO Gabi's on a short leash with Shin, Stefan was left confused, and Kristen was left irate. But do you know who I think the real winner is? As of now, that's Titan Industries. Even with brain trust, often-in-lust Brady and El Erotico in charge, Titan's competence as a company soars compared to DiMera. Again, at least for now.

DiMera is -- as Ciara might say -- a hot mess. While it's fun to watch it burn and the struggle for someone to take the throne is amusing, I have to play devil's advocate by asking -- does not having a completely competent leader of the DiMera dynasty pose a larger problem? Can the family be menacingly powerful without an ultimate ruler holding the power position? So, I ask: Does DAYS need one big baddie to rule them all, or are the days of legends like Stefano gone for good? Hmm. Feel free to discuss amongst yourselves -- or better yet, do so in the Comments section.

LOOSE ENDS: Whoops! Sarah slipped and told Rex she loves Eric. Eh, she slipped at first... then admitted it outright. Points for honesty? Eventual honesty? I dunno. All three of them were kind of terrible, but Sarah shouldn't have ever married Rex. My feelings on that have been long documented in past columns. She (and Eric...and everyone on Team Eric *cough Marlena*) were incredibly unfair to the serial cheater. I mean, Rex.

I don't blame Rex for being livid. I was also surprised to learn he was suspicious all along (or at least picked up on some vibes that day). Again, I dunno. Maybe Rex shouldn't have been so pushy and eager to get married in the first place. He was like a junkie trying to get a fix -- "Gotta put a ring on it. Gotta put a ring on it. Gotta make it work." Yes. That solved all the problems, right? Sorry. Rex is the victim here. My condolences, Rex, but you kind of dodged a bullet, buddy. You were done wrong, and Sarah and Eric are enormous hourglasses. Do you see it, Rex? Bullet dodged.

Meanwhile, there's Hope and Ted. I enjoyed that Fancy Face wasn't playing the fool here. She kept looking for signs of sketchiness. She knows he's keeping secrets. And you know what? He confessed to that. He told her something like it's because he loves her. I admire Ted for telling her that just as I admire Hope for walking away from it all, which had to be tough, given Ted's charm and posh pad. This would-be couple falls hard on a "maybe at a different time and place they'd work out" line. C'est la vie.

Any way you hide the basil, Hope knows there's more to the story. And Hope's been in super-detective mode lately. There's a lot to enjoy there. I'm looking forward to her continuing her quest with sidekick Will, and Eli on speed dial.

And she's outta herrrre! Eve has been de-commissionered. Oh! Jack totally dumped her, too. "I didn't see that coming," said nobody. However, I'll kind of miss Eve at the Salem P.D. She had a Boss Hogg thing going on. We knew the fox was in the hen house, up to no good, but it was better than the good guys being shady while proclaiming their goodness. At least Eli will bring balance back to the force. It'll be easy for him. He's only on once a week or so. There's that.

On one hand, Eve is terrible for destroying the serum, the diary, and the notes. On the other hand, maybe she's just an environmentalist practicing "Leave No Trace." I kid. I kid. She's terrible. Like, really, really terrible. Nonetheless, I don't think we've seen the last of Dr. Rolf's Miracle Elixir. Hang in there, Jack.

I honestly thought Dr. Henry would walk in on Jennifer telling Kayla about their terrible date. A similar thing happened to me once. It was super awkward. Anyway. At least Jennifer realizes it was all a bad idea. You know, after the fact. Oh, Jenny Bear. Sometimes we Paula Abdul by taking two steps forward and two steps back with one another. Kind of like...

Jack and Jennifer. Though Matthew Ashford and Melissa Reeves do it remarkably well. Like, really. They've fine-tuned that dance so well that, it comes across as being effortless. Watching them interact is like a master's class in "Will They or Won't They!?" There's romance, comedy, and drama all rolled into one. Sorry, Cybill and Bruce. You've got nothing on Matt and Missy.

We got updates on some sidelined Salemites! According to Kristen, Nicole didn't survive the warehouse explosion. Then again, Kristen shouldn't have survived, either... So, I'm guessing at some point, the real Ms. Walker will rise from the ashes, too.

Peter Blake is alive and in the wind! It was noted that after he left prison, he simply disappeared into the DAYS universe. Somewhere. Yes, please! I loved that dastardly dude, and, I suspect, he'd gladly throw his hat in the ring to reign over DiMera Enterprises.

Speaking of not-so-dead DiMeras, this would be a fantastic time for DAYS to reintroduce a resurrected Benjy Hawk or his widow, Sonia. Or at the very least, their son, Steven. There are at least two DiMeras that could vie for the company. Maybe Sonia could be some sort of corporate shark ready to take a bite out of DiMera for her son's sake. Just a thought.

HOT Say what you will about Jack and Eve, but, hot damn, Ashford vs. DePaiva was epic! These two talented thespians took things to the next level. I was in utter awe watching them! The scenes were raw and uncomfortable. They were downright ugly at times. Sure, we suspected things would eventually go south between Jack and Eve, but Matthew and Kassie effortlessly dove deep with their performances to ensure the destruction of Jack and Eve's life together left no survivors behind. Both Jack and Eve may have limped away as losers, but Matthew and Kassie win everything.

HOT, TOO Digital get down! Download. Click. Voice command. Make an intern do it. Do what you gotta do to watch Days of our Lives: The Digital Series. I love this idea. So hard. The first eight episodes are entitled Chad and Abby in Paris. It's like The Facts of Life Goes to Paris, but with less Natalie zingers and berets and more Carlivati creativeness and charm. Oh, and Billy Flynn, Kate Mansi, and Austin Peck! It's like a summer surprise for DAYS fans. More, please.

Actually, I hope these digital webisodes do take off, and we eventually get to catch up with more wayward Salemites! Over the years, Laurisa and I have shared many ideas for DAYS offshoots. We'll combine our lists and fax them to Ron! Wait. Do people still fax? Never mind. We'll have an intern do it. In the meantime, log on, enjoy, and look forward to a DAYS Two Scoops Digital Edition down the road!

NOT Wait! How have I never thought of nicknaming Eric "DespaRic" before!? It kinda works, no? Not coming up with that is a "NOT" for me. But, for real, does anyone else hear the Debbie Downer theme song when Eric comes on the screen? It's like...

"You're enjoying your day, everything's going your way, then along comes Debbie Eric Downer. Always there to tell you 'bout a new disease, a car accident, or killer bees. You'll beg her him to spare you, 'Debbie Eric, please!' but you can't stop Debbie Eric Downer!"

Look, I love Greg Vaughan. I'm a foam-finger-waving, face-paint-wearing member of his fan club. Seriously, he's in my top ten list of favorite actors ever, but, man, Eric is a bummer. Greg plays the hell out of the material. He's doing his job marvelously. It's just the material. Like, DespaRic's perpetually stuck in the "before" part of a Prozac commercial. I really need him to find some bliss then go on a picnic in the park or attend a smooth jazz concert.

LINE OF THE WEEK Jennifer (to Eve): "Are you moving? Please tell me, 'Yes!'"

LOTW: BRADY BLACK IS FUNNY EDITION Brady (to Xander "El Erotico" Cook): "There's a lot wrong with you."

Brady (to "Nicole"): "Tony is enjoying his afterlife in Anna's pocketbook."

TRUE 'DAT LINE(S) OF THE WEEK Abe (to Jack and Jennifer): "Look. I don't really have time for this."

Tony (to Kristen): "What you're asking me to do is bizarre and disgusting."

EXCHANGE OF THE WEEK Gabi: "Would you please stop with the sarcasm because you know I'm saving your ass, your job... okay? You know it." Stefan: "You know I could always find somebody else." Gabi: "No one else can stand you." Stefan: "I don't know. I have caught Julie Williams giving me the eye once or twice since she caught us having sex on her desk."

SAD SACK EXCHANGE OF THE WEEK* Roman: "Party of one?" Eric: "Beats being a third wheel." Roman: "What's wrong, son?" Eric: "What isn't!?" Napoleon Dynamite: "Ugh! Idiot!" Eric: "What's wrong with me?" [ugly cries] Napoleon Dynamite: "Nunchuck skills. Bowhunting skills. Computer hacking skills. Girls only want boyfriends who have great skills!" Dawson Leery: "The Beek from the Creek challenges you to an ugly-cry-off, Eric Brady." Roman: "I'm out." [walks away] Debbie Downer: "They never did catch that anthrax guy."

* Okay. Some of that exchange might have only happened in my mind. Regardless, I wouldn't have been surprised by the pop-up guests to comment on Eric's misery.

RANDOM THOUGHTS Let's be real. If Eric got a dog, one of two things would happen. Some terrible fate would befall the pooch to give Eric more to moan about, or the canine would simply run away to escape the depressiveness of it all. By "it all," I mean Eric.

Ugh. If Lani wants to call Gabi money hungry, what should Gabi call Lani? There are some selfies with a snockered J.J., a faux stakeout session with Shawn-D., and bedding Gabi's ex while they were dating that bring up a few ideas. Shut it down, Lanster.

I love Thaao Penghlis. He's one part amazing and the other part more amazing. Please stick around Salem, Tony!

Gabi's wedding jumpsuit was like if Abba met Donna Troy. I kind of loved it!

Speaking of outfits, Ciara is certainly prepared for anything. She had that dress readily available and decided to accept Stefan's warm invite of, "You can come, too. If you want." So warm. So fuzzy.

Ha! I loved the little laugh that Jennifer responded with when Eve asked her if she was afraid to fight. Jenny Bear's classy answer was even better.

If nothing else, a good Julie bash might make Gabi fall in love with Stefan! I think Julie might annoy Gabi more. Maybe.

Hope and Will scenes are like watching a lion and a dachshund be friends. It's not out of the realm of possibilities. It's just odd.

I miss Eej. Marshmallow Head E.J. just wasn't the same.

Sassy Chloe is the best. She knows when to hold 'em. She knows when to fold 'em.

The way Matthew Ashford delivers "Mayor Jack Deveraux" is hilarious.

Hat tip to Gabi for knowing her value. Her "I like that about me, too" was a nice reply. Confidence is a good thing. Eric. Eric. Eric. Are you taking notes?

Ciara is right. Calling a florist is a hassle. All that phone dialing and such. Her struggles are real.

Okay, Ciara is actually 1-800-RRRIGHT about Gabi manipulating Stefan. She told him so. His head went firmly in the sand. He'll regret he didn't heed that warning. Maybe Ciara can send him an "I Told You So!" bouquet of flowers. Right. The hassles of florists. Drats. He'll have to settle for dandelions in a Dixie cup.

When Kristen says she's doing everything for Brady, she's not lying. There's that nugget.

Just seeing that picture of Anna DiMera makes me happy. Excuse me while I prepare the welcome wagon. Let's just skip the martini shakers this time, though.

Roman told Eric he should "take a break from women." Maybe Eric should give Dr. Henry Shah a call then. He's not up to much these days. Ouch. Too soon? Sorry, Henry.

Don't stare directly into Gabi's engagement ring. That rock, err, boulder is shinier than the sun. Though, if I were Yo Gabba Gabs, I'd check it for a secret compartment. It might be filled with herbs or a secret map to someone buried alive. With Vivian, you never know what secrets lurk.

Hold up! Could Mr. Shin be Peter Blake in disguise!? Kristen is off and running with a Nicole faade right now. Anything can happen in Salem.

And thank you, Sarah! The next time I make a goof I'm totaling going to blame it on overworking and MSG. Both of them. Embittered bosses and beaux buy that, right?

Eek! Every once in a while, I forget that Roman slept with Nicole. I remembered that when Ro and Eric were sitting across the table from each other at the pub. Hello, awkward. Your table is ready.

DAYS should have broken the fourth wall and gone Mystery Science Theater 3000 on itself! Having Victor, Ciara, Chloe, and Abe sit in matching maroon blazers and give commentary on the antics of their fellow Salemites would be a blast. You never know what will come out of Victor's mouth, Ciara has been on fire with some zingers lately, Chloe has been great with sassiness and truth bombs, and Abe could balance out the snarkiness with his levelheadedness. Maybe that's the next digital series.

PARTING THOUGHTS So, friends and fellow DAYS fans, that's it for August 5! If you need me, I'll be with Mr. Shin, hitting the DiMera Scotch selection. Laurisa will be back next week with the impossible task of trying to turn Eric's frown upside down. Yeah. We'll save her a place at the bar. She'll need a drink after dealing with Eric, too. And, "That's a fact!"

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