Let's have a kiki

Ooh... she's been a bitch tonight! Dirty Diana, that is. She's ready to become the next Mrs. John Black come hell or high water. So, it's time to grab a drink, lock the doors, lower the blinds, and keep ourselves safe while having a randomness filled kiki in this week's DAYS Two Scoops!

Whew. After last week in Salem, I need a drink. Heck, we all do. Luckily, Dr. Kayla prescribed a cosmo. Need a second opinion? Dr. Sarah gave the same diagnosis. So, it's official. Let's pour something medicinal and, as per Leo's suggestion, have ourselves a random little kiki about all things DAYS...

And I go la la la la la she's got the look! Diana that is. She does. She has that "Don't Uptown Funk With Me!" crazed look down cold. Nurse Shelly got it. So did Leo. Noted, Lady Di. I will not cross you. Ever. She's savage.

Diana's also as committed as she is savage. She put penicillin in Mar's IV as a third swipe to "finish the job." Kudos to the writers for the Kristen nod! I totally remember the chocolate laced with penicillin baby Belle accidentally ate. Hmm, maybe that's what turned Belle into a teenager shortly after. Anyway....

Ms. Cooper better tread carefully. While she's a force, Kristen has the Phoenix force behind her and probably wouldn't be too forgiving of someone invading her sinister turf. Though, I would kind of pay to see that throwdown.

I'm starting to live for Diana's daydreams as twisted as they are. One can totally tell that Judith Chapman and Drake Hogestyn are having a blast with the material. "Too creepy," indeed, John, but a whole lot of disturbing amusement.

Most importantly, Diana crossed the line. Big. Time. I'm totally upset with her. She completely wasted good macarons. Seriously. Their delicious and expensive and you just don't do that to a perfectly good pastry. Oh, and she was wrong to poison Marlena, too. Yeah. That, too. But in the end, I'm confident Doc will be fine, but we'll never get those macarons back. Never.

Hmm. We keep hearing the name "Richard Cooper." Who is this abusive creepster!? If I were a gambling man, I'd suggest we've met him before, though, under a different name. But who!? Peter Blake, perhaps. I could see Clyde, too. There was a Dr. Richard Baker once. Or maybe even a name from deeper in the DAYS archives. Alex Marshal, anyone? Yep. I'm intrigued.

Less cryptic is Diana getting her hands on the DNA results. I strongly sense she swapped the results to make John appear as Leo's father. D'oh! But I blame Mar Mar for that one. She should know better than to wait given her years of living in Salem where test results are changed more frequently than Philip's face. She could have easily shot John a Maury Povich "You Are The Father" or "You Are NOT The Father" gif. Way to complicate things, Doc Evans.

You know that saying about even a broken clock being right twice a day? Yeah. About that. I think Leo might have been right on the money, err, mommy. Diana is kind of the worst. Umm. Please don't tell her I said that.

But, yeah, it was hard to take Leo seriously as he cries wolf a lot and schemes just as often, but it's easy to see life with Diana (and Richard the Rotten) wasn't easy for him after all. That's not a free pass to be a jerkface your entire life, but it's a valid soap reason to be one for a while. And while I'm not convinced Leo's actually John's son, a little time with Presumed Papa Black may do some good for in-need-of-unconditional-love Leo. Maybe.

Okay. I'm not getting soft, but I was a sucker for Leo hugging John. It was a nice glimpse into Leo's psyche (instead of his psycho perv (thanks for that, Brady)) and it felt more genuine than anything he's done so far. John's simple response of, "I get it and appreciate it," was also genuine and an easy reminder of how good of a guy John really is. John cares hard. And his good might do Leo some good. Again, maybe.

But twist! Leo suggested Diana as the culprit who poisoned Marlena, even though everyone is running scared with tales of Kristen being alive. He even added Richard's darkness changed Diana. Again, I have to wonder what twisted soul this Richard really is! But thanks to Leo, John has a new suspect and Diana has a lot to worry about! Well played, Leo Stark, err, Black.

LOOSE ENDS: It was a win for "Wilson!" Leo dropped the charges against them. Though, he left them with, "I will still be Uncle Leo." Ha!

More so, I'm curious as to what's next for Will and Sonny. Granted, Sonny Delight is still married to Leo, so that can be dragged out, but they certainly need a down the road storyline because "Happily Ever After" only lasts a week or so in Salem. Will they pursue having another child? Maybe opening a coffee shop as a nod to where they fell in love? Or, perhaps, could Will's L.A. affair come back to haunt them? What do you think!?

Did it occur to Ciara, Tripp, or even Claire that Haley used her cellphone in the apartment to speak with J.J. A device that's probably easy to trace by, say, a government agency with unlimited resources that's looking for someone. Not that I advocate what My Little Pyro did, but Claire could have been a little more creative than a nosy cat lady. Scheme smarter, not harder, Claire Bear.

Xander needs to return, like, last week. While there are countless reasons for that, I'm focusing on Dr. Rolf's journal. He needs to open it up and open Jack's eyes to Eve's deception. Then again, who am I kidding? Jack would scold her then they'd make out. Rinse meet my friend repeat.

Lookie, lookie. Brady and Eric got into a fight. "I'm utterly shocked!" said nobody.

It took placing the clue on a batting tee, but Rex got it! He's now suspicious of Eric, thanks to Brady. While he's not wrong-wrong, it's kind of awkward that the twice cheater Pushy "I Want It Now" McPushster is the most honest member of a love, err, lust triangle.

Honestly, though, aside from a triangle involving two brothers and a woman, the Eric/Nicole/Brady storyline is not the same as the Eric/Sarah/Rex one. Several decades of history kind of trump a few months of piqued interests and some longing looks. The Eric/Sarah/Rex with a side of Brady storyline is like going to a certain restaurant because you absolutely loved the salmon dish the first time you went there then being served fish sticks when you return. See, it's not the same thing. At all.

I'm officially filing Stefan and Chloe as "Something That Would Have Been Great Last Year!" While I applaud the nod to Chloe's past in orphanages and the actors work wonderfully together, I just can't put on the Stefan pompoms and endorse him with the Chlomeister. We're Last Blasters. We've been through too much together. I don't want her to be a rebound for a wig and a sob story.

I'm also filing Gabi, Stefan, and Leo scenes under "Something I Never Knew I Wanted!" They're guiltfree fun for anyone counting their cattiness. None of them are on moral high grounds, so insults can fly freely and fiercely.

Stefan being Ben's, um, life coach shouldn't work, but there was something charming about their scenes. The "sins of our fathers" bromance bond between the characters is perfectly portrayed by Tyler Christopher and Robert Scott Wilson. I can't believe I'm saying this, but "More, please?"

Dang you, Friday Cliffhanger! Ben and Ciara simply coming face to face -- without dialogue -- was such a super-charged scene that it has me counting the hours until Monday. There's a reason "CIN" rhymes with "win."

HOT Say what you will about Leo, but Greg Rikaart is magical! We've already seen him masterfully navigate Leo's snarky, sleazy schemer side full of burns and unwanted come-ons, but Greg brought the character to a new level last week. He showed Leo's deep-seated hurt, vulnerability, and yearning to belong to something greater. That hug with John alone was moving and telling of what Leo's always wanted - acceptance and love. So, sure, Leo's heart might be three sizes too small and perpetually horny, but Greg seamlessly proved that Leo does have one, nonetheless. Again, more, please!

NOT If you were all wondering, Steve's still trying to "repair the damage to his ISA reputation." Okay. Sure. Oh. Sorry. You couldn't see my massive eye-roll upon hearing that. Guh. Kayla also suspects his still a little mad about the bionic eye debacle. In all fairness, Sweetness, so are we. So. Are. We. #bringStevehome

LINE OF THE WEEK Brady (to Leo): "Does it have you dropping dead and me going back to sleep?"

EXCHANGE OF THE WEEK: Julie: "Abigail didn't murder three people." Ciara: "She tried."

RANDOM THOUGHTS You'd think Stefan would completely support any Gabi Chic line. That's partly where "Gabby" came from, after all. Once upon a time, she was just a wig on a shelf.

On topic, I'm surprised Stefan wants people staying with him or more cameras installed. It probably makes his bedtime routine of blasting Hedwig and the Angry Inch's "Wig In A Box" and dancing around the mansion like Hugh Grant in Love, Actually kind of awkward.

Ooh la la la la! Ben got to talk to the Stefano portrait. He's officially made it to the big league. That's a DAYS honor as much as working "all the days of our lives" into a toast or speech.

Diana: "We do what we have to do to survive in this world." Word, Lady Di. I tell myself that every time I polish off a pint of Talenti gelato.

Holly is 1-800-ADORABLE.

I really want to be there when John finally explains his past to Leo. That has all the makings of an amusing time. Plus, if Leo truly turns out to be John's son, I want to see his full Leo-ness lashing out at John's enemies. Amusing for sure!

Nurse Shelly should join the Salem P.D. She certainly seems comfortable preaching the law then completely breaking it. Heck, she could even be in the running (or be) commissioner someday. Reach for those stars, Shelly Santos.

I wonder if cat lady, Mrs. Carney, and mean manager Fran are friends. They seem like they'd get along. Well. According to Claire. In soap reality, they could be swell people and Little Miss Pyro could be the problem. Nah.

In the chapel, Sarah? Really. Was the baby-viewing window in the nursery ward or above Marlena's comatose body unavailable?

Totally, Jules. That damn selfish, mother of two Chloe taking a day off after several traumatic events happened to her at work within a week or so. The nerve. It was just the other day that Julie saved Chloe from the cartel at Doug's Place and now. No. Wait. Julie wasn't at work that day. Nevermind.

Who else thinks that "The law is the law" argot is going to come back to bite Jack sooner or later? My guess. Sooner.

Twist. In a cosmo, I like to swap out the cranberry juice for tart cherry sometimes. It's refreshing. I'll introduce Kayla to that next time we have drinks. Right. Back to DAYS!

Leo said, "Goodbye big, beautiful Ben." Well. He's not wrong about Benjy.

Props to Ciara! While she wasn't wrong-wrong that Julie can be a tad bit of a hypocrite at times, I dug her respect for her elder. Sure, Julie commanded it, but Ciara apologized straight away. Respect.

I support Gabi every time she calls Stefan an idiot.

I wonder how hard it would be to get Nurse Shelly to steal that green envelope for me. I'm dying to know what's inside! Shell Shell seems easily swayed to give up her morals by rhetoric and shiny objects.

As soon as Tripp brought up calling Belle, I was all, "Yes, please! I'll dial."

J.J. called Justin the "best lawyer in Salem." Props for family loyalty, but is he? Is he the best lawyer in Salem? He has charm and dimples for days, no doubt, but, I mean, is he? Maybe J.J. meant, "The best lawyer in Salem...in that particular room at that particular time named Justin Kiriakis." That, I'd buy.

You know it's only a matter of time before Stefan slaps a wig on Holly and starts calling her Charlotte. Run, baby girl. Just run now.

As soon as Tripp said Haley was "locked away in a room," I immediately thought, "I bet I know what room! It will have light blue walls." Not to brag, but I gave myself a Liz Lemon self-high-five shortly after.

But for real. Does Julie ever acknowledge Will? While she and Ciara were talking, it would have been the perfect time for her to add "killed three people and tried to kill Will." Or perhaps bring up what mentally ill Nick did to Will. But, nope. It's almost like several writing regimes have gone out of their way to distance Julie and Will, which is odd as flawed Will should be Horton chum for Julie's special brand of tough love. It's just curious. Hmm.

I wish I could say I never bought an expensive throw pillow. Damn my early twenties priorities. But, hey, my apartment looked amazing while I was eating Ramen noodles and counting change for the subway. There's that.

You've been warned! The DiMera mansion now has improved security, including new cameras. That'll work, I'm sure. No one will ever be able to just walk right in at any given moment going forward, I'm sure. Though, I'm also pretty sure that "improved security" means Ben and a cardboard cutout of a scary dog instead of just the dog cutout with a quote bubble reading "Keep out!"

I enjoyed Matthew Ashford's delivery when the wannabe mayor said to Tripp, "I'm your Uncle Jack."

The hair. The wardrobe. It looks like Ciara was styled by the Spice Girls. That's not a complaint. The '90s are en vogue again. #girlpower

El Noodles scorned henchmen aren't the only thing Chloe should be worried about. She made and delivered baked goods. That's totally Maggie's jam. Someone grab the popcorn while I start the chant of, "Fight. Fight. Fight!..."

Speaking of imaginary faceoffs that would be amazing, I'd be down to watch Julie "Excuse Me" Williams versus Diana "Because I Asked" Cooper throw it down. They both have the commanding, in-control voice down/"You're seriously going to test me!?" look combo. I repeat, "Fight. Fight. Fight!..."

PARTING THOUGHTS So, friends and fellow DAYS fans, that's it for the week of March 18. Laurisa will be back next week with defibrillators in hand to make sure the macarons, err, Marlena pulls through. And, "That's a fact!"

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