If I could turn back time

Is Sami Salem's Olivia Pope? Did Holly hit the soap daddy jackpot? And will Abigail ever make a good decision again? Let's discuss all the secrets in this week's Two Scoops.

If I'm ever in trouble, I hope Sami is on my side. That chick gets things done. Will? Alive and found. Kristen? Tracked down. Possibly-E.J.? Found, brought home, and DNA test done.

Her exact talent for doing the unimaginable will be put to the test here, in this storyline. Or, more importantly, with this storyline. It needs a fixer. It needs a doer. It needs a Sami. I'm done seeing Sami get dragged around by the heart, looking for E.J. If this crispy fried chicken nugget is Elvis J, but Sami can't unwrap him until he's healed, I'll accept that compromise. I just want Sami out of purgatory.

Still, I have a feeling I won't get my wish. It was weird for Kayla to tell Sami that she needs a parent to get an accurate DNA match when just one storyline over, a DNA test matched a grandmother and half-brother as baby Bonnie's parents. Sami could (and would) have gotten a sample from Chad. But instead, she had to go for Susan and Haunted Dreamhouse Barbie.

I painstakingly try to remain spoiler-free, so this is just a hunch. But I have little faith that the man is E.J. I suspect that because a test with Chad would have proven a match because the man could also be Andre. But we'll have to wait until next week to see.

Sami's mini-me niece was busy this week, spinning Tripp and Ciara in different directions. It's not that difficult. Lately, Tripp and Ciara's sole responsibility has been to walk up on conversations and pompously ask things like, "What can't I know?" Ugh, you two. Walk faster. That's on you.

Anyway, Tripp is moving mountains to help out Claire's cause. Listen, Trippster. Your rap sheet isn't exactly clean. Pipe down about the owner of the place where you work being concerned about someone's criminal past.

And in the interest of fairness, Claire is coloring the facts in a way that would make Grandpa Victor downright proud. Nothing is totally inaccurate about what she said. But the emphasis she puts on the parts of the story make it sound like there's more there.

And you know what? She's right.

You guys, Robert Scott Wilson can act his face off. In another painfully creepy scene, Ben recounted seeing his dad torture and kill a man on his birthday -- a story that completely checks out with what we know of Clyde Weston. The twist of Ben giving Clyde a necktie that year as a present was genius. And then...Ben went in for the kiss...and...

Ben? Honey, no. I know you're probably rusty at this because there isn't a lot of socializing happening at Shadybrook. But stories of torture don't put most girls in the mood. Read the room, man! Still, "I can't. I'm with Tripp." is not the same as, "I don't have feelings for you." Don't think I didn't notice that, Ciara Alice.

Someone who is dealing with all his feelings is Eric. Greg Vaughan was his usual rock star self in these scenes, especially in the scene where he told Maggie about Nicole. A huge hat tip goes out to the writers for having Sarah know Nicole. That one move threw Eric, Rex, Sarah, and Maggie -- four characters who'd never shared a scene before -- together in an organic way to grieve for both Eric and Nicole.

And now Eric is left with Holly, a move I couldn't be more behind. I've always thought the idea of the man who caused Daniel's death raising Daniel's daughter was a juicy, soapy move. Of course, I would have rather it been with Nicole. But Holly will never know Daniel. Now she'll grow up calling Eric daddy until some a-hole (probably looking at you, baby Bonnie) tells her the truth just as she's about to settle down with her new boyfriend, Thomas. #DAYS2028

And it's not like Thomas won't have it rough already! He's dealing with his complete mess of parental figures. He's got cuckoo "Aunt" Gabi running around drugging people. He's got nutso Uncle Stefan, who's in love with essentially a ghost. His dad and grandma are at their emotional and wit's end. And then he's got his mom, who picks the utterly worst times to find her backbone.

I get why she felt she had to divorce Chad. But why marry Stefan? Sigh. This is yet another example of what's ultimately always been wrong with Chabby. When things get tough, Abigail turns away from Chad. She always does it -- making him compete with Cameron, going back to Ben, literally telling him to be with Gabi -- it's always Abigail making a drastic decision where one isn't warranted. And in this case, my head is spinning a bit. It seems much easier to get an opinion from someone other than Marlena than it does to divorce the husband you love and go marry your rapist.

To be fair, I feel like there should have been a less drastic move for Chad and Jennifer to take. I don't fault them for being concerned. But maybe getting a 24-hour hospital observation or, heck, at least a video chat with Laura or Kimberly would have been a better start. Still, I think what both Chad and Jennifer did was out of love, so I can't be too upset with them.

LOOSE ENDS: I adore any minute I spend on the Lumi friendship train. If these two kids can work it out, there's hope for -- literally -- anyone! I loved Sami politely telling Lucas to make sure no one messed with the results. I loved Lucas proudly showing pictures of his baby to Sami. And I even appreciated Sami saying to Chloe, "If you break his heart again, I will break you." That's still fair. Chloemeister is my girl these days, but she did a number on Lucas last time around. Sami's right to be cautious.

And since that train was chugging along at such a nice pace, let's add on another car. I'll take a hundred more Kate and Sami scenes, please and thank you! There's an unspoken agreement between these two, and I realize it's because Kate's the one person who isn't going to tell Sami "don't do this" or "wait for the authorities" or "just be patient." Kate knows better. Kate isn't any better. And Kate knows she isn't any better, so she doesn't waste her breath. Plus, as someone who's genuinely loved both Stefano and Andre, she doesn't look down her nose at Sami's love for E.J.

Bonnie and Mimi exhaust me more than a week with an extra Monday, but Farah Fath and Judi Evans have fallen nicely back into their mother-daughter chemistry. Here's hoping they keep taking their show on the road and never go back into that hotel room and have that damn scene again. Because we've seen it. Ten thousand times at this point. Ja'nough!

Perhaps Mimi can join Brady and Eve for a night out with the "No Sympathy for You Club." It's a not-so-exclusive club I'm sponsoring in Salem, made up of people whose own bonehead decisions got them where they are today. Yes, Eve, you did cause Brady to lose custody of his son. Theresa had agreed to share custody then your drugs showed up. And, yeah, Brady, you are to blame for what happened with Nicole. She ended up with Xander because of the recording you made.

Sheesh, Bradster. When your pillow talk is, "It's not your fault someone else is dead," that should be a giant, flashing sign that you may need to be single for a hot minute to handle some business on your own. Never mind, we'll cover that in next week's meeting.

As long as Kayla has a patient hidden in the basement of her own hospital, I really, really can't have her claiming things are unethical. And Kayla is way the hell out of line, suggesting that Chloe is doing this because she's not down with raising someone else's kid. Raising someone else's kid is Chloe's jam. (Hi, Holly!)

Most of the time when people declare, "There's nothing left for me here" and march out of town, they run smack into a new storyline. I was hoping that would happen for Eve. Alas, it didn't. Maybe it would be good for this character to take a break for a minute.

If Sami is left hanging, I suggest she hire the newest P.I. firm in Salem -- Lane and Brady. Remember a few years ago when Claire was Chloe's assistant? They need to team up again because these two ladies are solving problems left and right. First, Chloe figured out Mimi is baby Bonnie's mother. Now, Claire realized that Tripp was the one who set up Ben.

Suzanne Rogers excels in that motherly role without coming across as patronizing. So, I'm thrilled that Maggie's daughter is back in Salem. I do question this claim that they talk every day but Sarah didn't think to mention that she was dating/engaged to Roman's son, but whatever. I'm happy for Maggie to get some screen time again.

HOT: I appreciated Rex asking Maggie for permission to marry Sarah. But I absolutely adored Maggie saying that while she approves, her daughter makes her own decisions. We should have named Maggie as Rosie the Riveter for Halloween.

HOT Part 2: I was there for every second of Lucas handing Belle her hourglass. Tink was lying to his face. And my boy Lucas promptly called her out for not apologizing to Sami. Tell. Her. Lucas!

NOT: Abigail's whole "believe me!" stance is a bit of an unrealistic request. It's not that she isn't right about not suffering from DID again. It's that any health problem -- mental or physical -- shouldn't be based on one's word. We'd all give her the side-eye if she said something like "I don't have a broken arm! Believe me!" No, in that case, a medical professional would evaluate the patient and render a diagnosis. Taking Chad and Abigail completely out of it, I don't like how this storyline is marginalizing mental health to be something that's solely up to the discretion of the individual person, rather than a collaboration between them and their doctor.

EXCHANGE OF THE WEEK: Rex: "Brady? It's me, Rex." Brady:"Brady?...oh, uh, Rex Brady!" Rex: "Yeah, we're doing that who's on first thing." This little Easter egg of a scene was delivered with great timing from both Eric Martsolf and Kyle Lowder. For those who don't know, Kyle was the one who originated the role of Brady Black.

LINE OF THE WEEK (honorable mention: Sarah: Well, Rex is not the Salem Stalker. He's innocent, and you're alive!" Ah, remember the way you introduced the man you'd marry to your own mother? So sweet!

LINE OF THE WEEK: Princess Gina (to Julie): "You're old what's her name's sister-mother." And that brings me to my very special Two Scoops for the...

HALLOWEEN EPISODE First, I love that Ron does stand-alone Halloween episodes. This is a tradition I can get behind.

Second, can we get that for other holidays, too? The Hortons have Christmas, and the Bradys used to go all out for the Fourth of July. Please, oh please!

Third, I probably would have liked it more if I'd ever seen Rosemary's Baby or Get Out, but I'm a giant wimp when it comes to horror movies, so I basically just wait for them to come on USA and then I watch. But, here's what I learned from this installment:

Evil doctors are doctors of all trades, too! Dr. Rolf is both a plastic surgeon and a chemist!

Lamon Archey can act! I literally cared more about his fake mind control than I do about any time he's ever spent with Lani. D'oh!

Kristian Alfonso as Princess Gina still makes my day. I don't want a lot of it. But I did enjoy this small dose.

I got to see the pub decorated for Halloween!

That's not Morgan Fairchild.

Loved the nod to Marlena being possessed! You can't do DAYS Halloween without mentioning that!

I'm glad this episode ultimately meant John and Hattie got a divorce. That's one plot point that was going nowhere.

RANDOM THOUGHTS: First impressions: Linsey Godfrey's look and mannerisms remind me of a mix between Rebecca Herbst (Liz, from GH) and our own Lauren Koslow. She would have made a good Cassie recast.

(said in baby voice) "Oh, my gosh, wittle baby Bonnie! I just want to squish wose wittle cheeks!!"

Wait! There's no more "Basic Black"?! Not cool! That's a Salem staple!

Welcome to the deep end, Kyle Lowder. Jump on in and have a dramatic scene with Greg Vaughan.

Chloe is a legit toddler mom. She had a bag of Cheerios in her purse. #respect

I got a kick out of Sami trying to be there for Eric, especially considering how much she did not love Nicole. At all. But good on you for trying, Sami Gene.

The Salem courts are so hard up for work that they're granting instant divorces with only one party present and ordering commitments without experts examining the defendant. That's on you, Salem P.D. G'head and solve an actual case any time now.

Hey, Eric and Chloe -- how's about you get those Jonas siblings together for a playdate?

I wonder if Sarah ran into Cameron in any Doctors Without Borders meetings.

I'm glad Chloe got to that party with the results! I'm very curious to see Nadia Bjorlin and Kyle Lowder together again.

Hmmm...really, Jen? You don't know how to tell a child their parent isn't coming home? How many times has Jack died? You're basically Jedi Master Yoda at this task! Get in there, lady!

That's it for this week. Tony will be back next week to open the DNA envelopes. I'm off to eat ginger snaps and drink tea (yum!) with Sarah!

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