A walking study in demonology

While devilish Kristen's reign of terror on Salem continued, complete with three kidnappings, blackmail, and a dive out another window, Sami was vilified for accidentally shooting Marlena. Plus, is this the end for Paul!? Let's discuss all the DAYS drama in this week's Two Scoops!

I'm usually not one to ask for help. Sometimes it's to my own detriment. So, I'm starting this week's column off by asking for two favors, friends.

The first is a huge one! Like, if I'm ever, EVER, accidentally shot by my drugged-out child during my umpteenth wedding to the same person and need emergency surgery, please, oh, please do not let the doctors pause to let everyone say hello to me as I'm being wheeled into the operating room. Simply insist they keep moving. I kind of want to live. Minutes matter in those type of situations. To recap, no surgical receiving line, but yes to rushing me into surgery. Got it? Good.

Two, please don't let people linger in the room while I'm being treated by medical professionals. It's distracting to the doctors when they must keep saying, "Can someone get so and so out of here?" I'm not an attention whore, but at that moment, I kind of want all the doctors' focus on me. And thank you in advance.

Last week was a nail-bitter for Mar's loved one. She was accidentally shot. Her life hung in the balance. It was classic storytelling come to life by brilliant performances from the cast after the previous week's soaptastic cliffhanger. Plus, there are a ton of other plots set to ramp up as characters swirl about and interact with one another. Yep, Ron Carlivati loves his umbrella storylines, and one just opened. Bring. It. On.

As for Marlena, I'm not not worried about Doc, but, it's Marlicious. She got hourglass centerpieces at her reception. Well, would-be reception. Anyway. That's pretty much saying she represents the show. She'll be fine in the end. Fine-ish at worst. Plus, there's an easy remedy to Marlena's maladies. Can't someone just find Nicole and then have her rub Oracular Baby Holly over the wounds to clear them up? It worked for Brady. Circle of life, and all.

In the meantime, John is not doing fine. At all. He was a mess. Drake Hogestyn was handed meaty material to work with and full-heartedly threw himself into the role. Drake painted a heartbreaking picture of the depths of John's despair. Lead Actor Emmy, we have a submission for you. Major hat tip to Drake!

Also, applause, applause to the mighty Martha Madison! Belle's scenes with Sami were spectacular. There was a lot of grief talking, so while some of Belle's points contradicted what really happened, I couldn't help but be sucked into the scene between these two powerhouses.

On the topic of high emotions versus reality, did anyone else notice the tale of the shooting changed throughout the week, seemingly so certain Salemites could vilify Sami? Sure. Sami's not a saint in general, but she did not set out to murder her mama. She was kidnapped, drugged, and mentally manipulated by a psycho, and a gun went off when her twinsie tried to stop the insanity. Yet the story went from "Tragic accident" to "Sami shot Marlena because she's selfish." Um. Okay. But not okay...

For example, Eric. I love the guy. I do, but I'm pretty sure (because I watched the episode) that him lunging at Sami to get the gun caused her to accidentally pull the trigger. I'm absolutely not blaming Eric, but him saying things like, "How could Sami shoot her?" retelling the story to Doug and Julie without mention of Sami being drugged, or when he said, "Love is a powerful drug," were puzzling. You know what else is a powerful drug? Drugs! Like the one Kristen gave Sami. Not to mention that the drug comment coming from a former addict was kind of wonky, but I digress.

Elsewhere in Salem, Kristen rooted through the bargain bin at Ava's garage sale. She found a storyline stuck in the bottom of a stained, lidless Tupperware container and thought it was a good purchase. That is, she offered Eve's safe release if Brady would do the horizonal Salem shuffle with her.

Wait. Didn't Theresa also make a similar offer to Brady recently? I guess reduce, reuse, and recycle. Save the earth? Again, I digress.

Kristen wants Brady more than anything. Anything! Roger that, Kristen, but have you really kicked the tires of that used car you're so intent on rebuying? While I get that Brady might look like Eric Martsolf, is he really that worthy of an obsession? He has a new "love of his life" at least once a year and, until recently, never even had his own place. He still doesn't. He's living in a hotel room. So, um, yeah. I guess he must have a, um, magical milkshake that brings all the gals to the yard. And we'll leave it at that.

With the grand schemes Kristen has pulled off in the past, I'm a bit disappointed that all she could come up with was trying to force Brady to have sex with her. That's pedestrian for an established hellraiser. If Stefano really did pass the Phoenix mantle to Kristen, he should have passed the keys to that solid gold birdcage in the Paris underground to her, too. If you're going for revenge, the minimum flair is fifteen.

More so, I know Kristen can do better than a tired rapey storyline that I believe many soap fans are plain old tired of. We've had WAY too many of them lately, and the ones we've witnessed have been carelessly handled (SEE: Ciara and Abigail's "recoveries"). So, maybe, just maybe, this kind of storyline could be tossed out a window with Kristen and Paul? Maybe. Please.

Right. The lead. I buried that. Paul played the kickass P.I. that he is, and eventually, along with Sami and Eve, they tracked down Kristen and Brady in a hot second. Fighting ensued. It was all interestingly intense, and then Kristen and Paul plunged out the window. Fade to black.

No! Not Paul. He's one of the good ones. I'm not even worried about Kristen. She's bounced back from worse, but Paul? Well. Poor Paul. Is anyone else guessing that he'll hit an awning on the way down, which will spring him into the street, and then the bus Will and Sonny are going to the hospital in will accidentally roll over him? Or would that be a bit too on the nose? I can't tell, but, poor, poor, poor Paul. Susan is going to be crushed. Much like him.

LOOSE ENDS: I'm glad that Susan mentioned feeling bad for pushing Will back in the closet. Her reasoning was simply that she wanted Will to be just like E.J., and Eej was straight. Given her pitiful state back then and how unhinged she'd become to go as far as to turn Will into E.J, I believe her remorse for that now.

I loved Will and Eric's scene, and then Will reuniting with Arianna Grace was absolutely adorable! Chandler Massey has raised the bar for future soap amnesiacs getting their memories back. I can't remember a recent time it was done as well.

Jennifer doesn't particularly like Sami but kept urging her to get treated by a doctor. Hi, voice of reason. Like Journalism Fun Jenny Bear, I like Compassionate Classic Fun Jen, too. Though I wish Sami would have listened, if for no other reason than to have proof that she was drugged to shove into several smug Salemites' faces.

Urgent question! Did anyone offer Hope and Rafe coffee and maybe a cronut as they sat in the interrogation room and waited for word about the dangers plaguing Salem right now? Just checking.

Hope needs to recuse herself from Salem her job right now.

Ugh. It's hard to love Hope right now, and that totally bums me out. I've stuck by her through a vat of acid, two Bos, jungle adventures with John, dark lipstick, Princess Gina, and even the submarine sex (sorry to mention that, by the way). Now, I just don't know. She's not wrong for being mad as hell at Sami, but I just don't have it in me to have much compassion for Fancy Face at the moment. Nevertheless, Alison Sweeney and Kristian Alfonso rocked their scenes.

I bet Titan is jealous of the way Susan Banks ships things. If they could ship products like she shipped Paul, they'd still be the number one game in town. Sorry, Sonny. Just sorry.

Also, when did Susan become the new Celeste? No. Just no.

But, seriously. No.

So, looping back, Susan fancies herself a Pauloholic. I hate to break it to the bucktoothed one, but that ship has sailed (or will soon), as it were. RIP, Horita. You were amazing. You really were. I did root for you, but casting spoilers slowed the roll of that momentum, and then the Wilson Magical Memory Tour bus just pulverized what was left. Still, I hope Paul leaves town with dignity. He deserves that. I adore Christopher Sean and Paul too much to wish anything but the best for them both.

HOT Hooray for Paul! See, Hope and Rafe, that's how cases get solved. You investigate leads and track down the culprit. I hope he survives the dive out the window with Kristen, but the buildup and execution of those scenes were great!

NOT "You weren't yourself, so it doesn't matter you shot your mother?" Really, Midnight Red Lipstick Hope? Really!? Following that logic, Hope should be held accountable for all the crimes she committed while having adverse reactions to sleeping pills, as Princess Gina, or when she snapped and shot Stefano, since "not being yourself" doesn't matter, right? Got it. #Salemjustice

LINE OF THE WEEK Kristen (to Sami, after accidentally shooting Marlena): "Thanks for the solid, girlfriend!"

RANDOM THOUGHTS The look Sami scorned Paul with when he said she's not going anywhere was one of my favorite parts of the entire week. Viva la Sweeney!

Eric Martsolf and Stacy Haiduk played perfectly off one another.

Is it just me or is it odd that Susan hasn't asked Sami about her grandchildren? She was all over that the last time we saw her. Generally, though, how are Johnny and Sydney? And does Allie Horton still exist? Poor gal. Lucas may wanna follow up on that.

Can we just get one of those one-off "very special" episodes of DAYS focusing on Shawn, Belle, and Claire reenacting famous family sitcom moments or something? Brandon Beemer, Martha Madison, and Olivia Rose Keegan are delightful together. More, please!

Is it too late to nominate Julie for CNN Heroes? You know, the program that "honors individuals who make extraordinary contributions to humanitarian aid and make a difference in their communities." The amount of compassion she showed toward Susan after learning she'd been locked in the freezer at Doug's Place was unprecedented. Julie worried that it could bring on a lawsuit. She fretted that the board of health might shut them down. She shrieked that Susan might have contaminated the freezer and nibbled on something. I get it, Jules. That kook really should have asked to be locked up somewhere else by a psychopath and not your freezer. The nerve. Well, at least Eve fared better. She was offered coffee.

I thought Kristen's case file would have been thicker.

Will's reaction to learning about the events of the wedding from Paul was utterly amusing.

Did anyone else laugh when Brady scolded Kristen by saying, "I did not like what you did today."

"Forceable chilling." Ha! I love Doug.

Sami called Kristen her "twisted sister-in-law." One, hilarious. Two, she might want to give that side of the family more of a chance. They applaud that she shot her mom while the other side unfairly blames her.

"Bad. Bad. Bad." Really? Repeating any old word thrice does not make it a thing, NuSusan. You've already been warned once by Laurisa. It's not fetch. Stop trying to make it work.

Both Susan and Eve were locked in a freezer last week. Does anyone think Gabi was jealous? That's usually her schtick.

PARTING THOUGHTS So, friends and fellow DAYS fans, that's it for the week of September 3. Laurisa will be back next week to check on Marlena's diagnosis, try to catch Paul, and see if Salem blames Sami for global warming, too. And, "That's a fact!"

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