How to mistrust the ones who you supposedly love the most

Move over, Fleetwood Mac, because in Salem there's no such a thing as "sweet little lies!" Loved ones are harboring bombshells from one another left and right, and enemies are keeping secrets, too. It's a hotbed of deception, which led to some snarky throwdowns! Let's tally the scores in this week's DAYS Two Scoops!

Well. I was almost late submitting Two Scoops this week. I went to Horton Town Square to have my morning espresso, and I ran into Eric. Naturally, I had to congratulate him on his engagement to Jennifer. That was the quick part. What almost made me late was the slideshow presentation I felt obliged to give him, highlighting his heartbreaking relationship with Nicole. I mean, I couldn't acknowledge his recent relationship status upgrade without bringing up his love life failures, could I? No. Of course not. Luckily, Brady showed up and reminded me of the time, so I managed to get cracking on this column.

Last week might have been somewhat overshadowed by the upcoming nuptials of John and Marlena, but I enjoyed all the feistiness nonetheless. Everyone has secrets. Everybody seemed to be lying about something to someone they love. And, holy snarknado, DAYS fans! There were more catty comments being slung than sand in the hourglass. Let's take a look at some of the tiffs and turmoil.

Victor vs. Everyone Maggie continued to scold Victor for being, well, Victor. But, dang, he proved that he still wears the crown of killer quips. Take his first toast for example. "Well, I hope Eric and Jennifer go into this with their eyes wide open. 50% of marriages end in divorce. Not great odds." Aww. He really does care. Of course, Maggie made him play nice. She always does. She's kind of a buzzkill like that.

The bigger issue circulating is that Maggie knows that Victor is protecting Eve. Mags wants to protect Brady's heart, as she thinks he deserves to know that Eve was part of the botched attempt to frame Theresa. Yes. Of course. He should know and all that, but...

I'm also a bit confused why this is still a major issue after the way Theresa left. I thought they pretty much patched things up, and Brady's been Skyping with Tater Tot ever since. Like, I'm pretty sure there was a scene where Brady told Theresa that she should take the little spud to spend time with Kimberly. Did someone spike my drink with Halo? Is Deimos around? Because, I swear, things were mostly kosher on the Tate front. See, I'm confused.

I know one thing for sure! I've said it before, but Eve needs to come clean because that's much better than being outed. Plus, it would be a little slap to Jennifer if Eve did the right thing first.

Jennifer vs. Eve It started with Eve exclaiming, "Congratulations on the engagement. I hear we're going to be sisters!" Jennifer was not amused. I was. While both Eve and Jennifer have certain character flaws, Kassie DePaiva and Melissa Reeves are flawless as sparring partners. Loved the bag. Loved the book. Loved the hate between them. Eve's "mirror" speech was especially bitchtastic and totally left Jennifer a bit perplexed. Was Eve just a little right, Jenny Bear? Was she? Hmm.

Jack vs. Nicole Since the only way to compliment someone on current relationships is to bring up past ones, I have an official running tally. The score is Jack Mentions: 1; Nicole Mentions: 10,462. Wait. Eric just received a telegraph from Serena's elephant statue. It read: "Congrats on your engagement! Do you still love Nicole?" Okay then. 10,463.

Gabi vs. Abigail The chemistry between Camila Banus and Marci Miller is stellar. You can tell Camila is having a blast playing bad and Marci's sly delivery was epic. While I've always rooted for Abs and Gabs's friendship to overcome all odds, I have to say, they also do sassy sensationally with one another. You can tell their high road is slowly crumbling. It's getting real. Now they're being pleasant in that thoroughly faux way that we almost needed subtitle translations. Like, "You look nice," really means, "Die, backstabber." "Nice to see you," equals, "Touch my blue-eyed dreamy husband, and I will cut you and blame it on an alternate."

I don't think Abigail realizes how far Gabi has gone to wreak havoc on her (and Stefan's) life, but she certainly knows something is up with her, um, "bestie." I loved it when Abigail's strength resurfaced. And while they're playing faux nice now, this war's eventually going to get ugly.

Abigail vs. Chad When they go low, they go real low. Both Chad and Abby took some nasty shots at the other out of hurt and frustration. Marci Miller and Billy Flynn made it painful in the best way possible. By the end, Chad and Abigail almost kissed and made up. Almost. A leering Gabi kept popping up to Chad block any progress they made. Yep. That reconciliation is going to take some time.

Abigail vs. Stefan Ha! Anytime Abigail gets to snark all over Stefan, I'm a happy Two Scooper. Sooner or later, Stefan's face is just going to have a permanent imprint of Abigail's hand on it. He kind deserves it, so, carry on, Abs! Carry on.

Kayla vs. Stefan Thank the Soap Gods, Kayla is better at one-liners than she is at lying. I kind of adore watching her take digs at Stefan. I just hate everything else about what he's doing to her. So, yep, Seor Scumbag has the upper hand, err, the upper app at the moment, but I'm holding onto hope that Kayla will tell Steve the truth and they'll bring him down together. At the very least, Kayla should reach out to her mad hacker mama, Caroline. Maybe Ma Brady could do a little digital magic and disable Stefan's app. She's done wonders with hospital computer systems in the past.

Steve vs. Kayla Yep, Patch Man. You said it best. "You're a lousy liar, Sweetness." Kayla is. She really is. All the credit in the world for making this storyline work is due to the excellence of Stephen Nichols and Mary Beth Evans. It's been hard to watch Kayla lie. The plot has generally been a bit contrived. But, damn! Stephen and Mary Beth make you feel the love between Steve and Kayla and the heartache over the secrets hovering above them. He's not mad or even disappointed (yet); he's just hurting because he knows she's hurting.

Paul vs. Sonny You know how Kayla is a bad liar? Yep. Will is, too. That had Paul super suspicious, so he started to snoop. He found Ted's crafty threatening note. And then he charged at Sonny with the anger of a thousand Hulks. Okay. It wasn't that extreme. Both Paul and Sonny are generally too nice to get too ugly, so it was more like two kittens fighting in a basket.

Plus, Sonny quickly squashed his concerns by telling Paul the truth about Leo. Paul's willing to help. Oh, and he and Will made up, too. They made up right in front of Sonny. If awkwardness needs a new face for its campaign, Sonny should be the poster boy. Conversely, they also might want to get that rug back into the Kiriakis living room to sweep the remnants of Sonny Bear's broken heart under. Ouch.

Kate vs. Andre Seeing Thaao Penghlis will never not make me happy! Love him. Plus, his and Lauren Koslow's banter is amazing. They just jive. As for Andre, he basically played Jiminy Cricket for Kate. He warned her to do the right thing before it's too late. I'm totally sure Kate will. I mean, it's Kate. She always does the right thing. Oh, wait. No. But it was a nice try on Andre's part and proved that Kate can feel guilty. You know, a little.

Will vs. Ted I enjoyed everything about the Will/Ted/Kate scenes. It was really one of those moments when I expected Will to see Ted and then make up some excuse to bolt quickly with his tail between his legs. Nope. I was wrong. Will went forth and told Kate the sordid tale of Ted's blackmail. Ted was pretty much, "Yep. I'm doing that. Where's my money?" It was rather brilliant. I love a self-aware character, and Ted is just that. He's not a good guy, and he knows it. I bet it's on his business cards. Work it, Teddy. Work it.

Though Will was no slouch, either. In fact, he impressed me! When he started to blast Ted, I had in my notes, "Look who joined the party!" Will often gets flustered more than fighty, so to see him protect Kate was great. There's also something special about Lauren Koslow and Chandler Massey's chemistry. It's endearing. Kate has always loved Will with her special brand of Kate Roberts love, but I love that Will loves Kate (and all her Kateness) yet doesn't fully remember her. It was all just lovely.

Kate vs. Ted These two bring the heat. They're both aware of the fact that they do unscrupulous things and still want to eat their cake, too. Though Kate is steamed. She wants Ted to back down on the blackmail. He pulled a Winehouse and said, "No, no, no." So, she pulled a gun on him! Murder isn't exactly something Kate shies away from, but I hope she doesn't pull the trigger. Salem is more interesting with Ted in it.

LOOSE ENDS: In wedding news, Marlena is on top of things. Eric and Brady are still bros ready to walk Mar down the old aisle. Belle and Shawn will be there! Will and Paul are doing readings. Claire will be singing. Abe secured the town square. And I've kept the receipt for the gift I bought John and Marlena, should the wedding not happen and I'd have to return it. We're all set.

The Patch Man made good on his promise to Baby Sister. He found Bonnie Lockhart. Yep. Like a bad penny, she's back. Though, after last week, I'm sure a Bonnie vs. Adrienne showdown might be rather fun to watch. I hope.

Come and knock on their door! Well, it's actually Four's Company in the loft. That's right. Ben is (temporarily) moving in with Ciara, Tripp, and Claire. It was a two to one vote. Ciara and Claire were yea. Tripp was a nay. He was a major nay. I remain undecided. The only way to "Cin" is through. I get that, but there are some issues like Ciara's recovery that need to be addressed before this becomes Melrose lite with them all living together and such.

I was a fan that Ben instantly knew something was in it for Claire. There is. She's hoping Ben will break up Ciara and Tripp so that she can move on with Tripp. Though Claire also knew that Ben doesn't mind. It was a nice little "in the know" exchange without getting into total treachery and diabolical planning.

Still, Claire has the best knack of hearing what she wants to hear out of any character I know. Marlena could ask, "Would you like something to drink, dear?" Claire will respond, "You're right! Let's spike someone's drink. Thanks, Grandma!" Bless her heart.

HOT There were many amazing character interactions last week, brought to life by the brilliant cast of DAYS, it's promised that Belle and Shawn-D will be back next week for the wedding, AND Thaao Penghlis popped up as Andre!? Yes. Yes, please, to it all!

NOT I'd be okay with the secrets Eve and Jennifer are keeping coming out sooner rather than later. Right now, the bandage is slowly being peeled off. We need a quick rip with this one.

LINE OF THE WEEK Victor (to Julie): "May I ask, is there some reason you're chirpier than usual?"

EXCHANGE OF THE WEEK Gabi (who's on the bed with Chad and Ari): "Abigail, I'm surprised to see you here." Abigail: "Yeah, well, I'm kind of surprised to see you there."

RANDOM THOUGHTS Two Scoops Poll time! Which scene was more awkward and screamed, "Ouch!" the loudest. The contestants are: Abigail walking in on Chad and Gabi, or Sonny standing around as Will and Paul professed their love. And vote!

So, that appears to be a "No!" for Hope attending the "Welcome to the Loft, Ben!" party.

Kayla and Abigail scenes always make me happy.

No. Really. Where is Anne Milbauer? In my mind, she's having drinks with Nurse Maxine and Rory.

Speaking of minor characters I miss, has anyone told T (Tad) that Will's alive? He was his best friend. And it's way past time that Brendan Coughlin brought his talents back to DAYS. #notsosubtlehintCarlivati

And when does Vivian come back? Who has her!? I want to know these things.

I don't know about Steve and Kayla's kitchen, but I love the rest of their posh pad. We need to see that place again.

Okay, these two things better happen! One, Eve brought up a Labor Day picnic. Since we didn't get a Fourth of July one, this is a must. Two, Adrienne mentioned a Johnson family dinner to celebrate Steve's eye. Yes, please. I want to be there.

Steve asked, "What's wrong with the '80s?" Nothing, Patch Man. Nothing.

Remember when Victor and Julie were almost a thing?

I kind of cheered when Will scolded Ted with, "I have some serious questions about your intentions with my grandma!"

Was Stefan wearing the same black suit and burgundy shirt that Sonny wore a few weeks ago!? I swear they were the same. Maybe there was a sale at Bartlett's.

Whoopee World? Okay. Sure. But it would be more fun if they went to Wally World.

I'm pretty sure Kayla and Will never graduated Salem High's Introduction to Lying course. It must have been an elective neither of them took.

A former serial killer casually eating cereal. Love. It.

Steve's bionic eye? Yep. There's an app for that. I thought it was pretty cool that I have a remote for some flameless candles. I can make them flicker and change colors. Hmm. I wonder if Stefan's eyeTunes app can make Steve's eye do the same.

PARTING THOUGHTS So, friends and fellow DAYS fans, that's it for the week of August 20. Are you ready for the Salem wedding event of the season!? That is, John and Marlena take two, err, twenty? Laurisa will be back next week, ready to toss some rice and, more so, referee all the matrimony madness. And, "That's a fact!"

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