Just like a pill

Is Eve campaigning for Worst Sister Ever? Is Ciara becoming a super kid? Has J.J. become the new Maggie? Let's discuss it all in this edition of Two Scoops!

It's time to marvel at the wonder that is Kassie DePaiva. Her delivery is always on point. She could cut down giants with just one look. And she rocks a white dress and white pumps in a style that would make even the most red-carpet seasoned starlet feel inadequate. Plus, I don't think that we'll find another person who's a greater representative of the genre. Her courage and grace off screen can't help but creep into every performance.

In fact, my very own husband should send her a personal thank you note. Because she -- Kassie DePaiva -- is the only reason I don't throw things through our TV, most likely smashing it into a thousand pieces on our living room floor, when Eve is on.

This incarnation of Eve is kind of a train wreck. And by "kind of," I mean "Holy donuts, DAYS fans. This one is awful!" I had a hard time feeling truly sorry for Eve when her own kid died! That's how bad Eve was! I thought it couldn't get any worse. But then Ron said, "Hold my beer."

Now, I need Eve to have all the seats. And start raising her hand to talk. She's so infuriatingly hypocritical -- even for Salem -- I'm giving myself a migraine from all the eye rolling.

First, Eve doesn't have the right to know snot about Deimos' murder. She married him to scam him. I laughed out loud when she played that card with Brady.

Next, championing what Brady did to Nicole is pretty heartless because Nicole wasn't the only person Brady hurt with his revenge plot. He banished Holly, too -- from coming to Maggie's house, from coming to see Parker, and from getting any action on that ice cream market Arianna dominates. To his credit, Brady told Eve these things. Yet Eve stuck her fingers in her ears to avoid the horror of any sense landing in her brain.

And now, she's upgraded to the front row of Worst Sisters in DAYS History. Sure, she feels bad that Theresa was raped, but only to the extent that this sympathy doesn't actually interfere with Eve's own agenda. Planting that cocaine was bad. The attempt to save face by making Eve unaware of what the person was doing to frame Theresa doesn't make her more sympathetic. It makes her seem even more heartless. She was cool with whatever!

Finally, you guys, I don't think Eve can read. Because she obviously didn't know what was happening with the Kiriakis family tree. Eve declared Brady is the last living link to Isabella. Just who does Eve think Tate's grandma is? And while she's not biological, Isabella's namesake is alive, well, and on her way back to Salem to make it rain awesome again. Sheesh, Eve! Fact check yourself!

Speaking of hot messes, Rope got to the cabin in time to rescue Ciara from a burning building. I don't know how that fire started, but whatever this cabin is made out of, we need to patent it and start building all things out of it. After the first time it "burnt down," it still had electricity to charge cell phones.

Of course, Hope is out-of-her-mind worried about Ciara. I don't blame her one bit. While Ciara is an adult, that doesn't change Hope's concern for her, nor should it. I'm 100 percent supportive of mom Hope, and I love that Rafe is just as protective of her. For all his faults, Rafe has always been a good stepfather. Ciara is no exception.

However, professionally, both of them are lacking. I'd say they're being thrown under the bus, but Rafe and Hope dabble a lot in selective law interpretation, so their behavior here doesn't feel all that foreign.

I don't like how Hope is commissioner-ing right now. Rather than solving things through actual police work, she abuses her power as the department head and whips out a never-before-seen medical degree to school DAYS' arguably most reliable doctor. That bums me out a bunch because I genuinely miss badass cop Hope.

But right now, she's a bit brutal. I'm in no way suggesting that Rafe and Hope need to be serving him sparkling water with fresh cucumber slices. But, withholding the no-murder meds from Ben while he was in custody seemed unnecessarily cruel. It's like withholding insulin from a diabetic. You know, if that diabetic strangled people at a certain blood sugar level.

Speaking of his time in custody, did I miss the part where Ben was read his rights and offered an attorney? Maybe we're to assume the police can hold him in handcuffs because he missed an appointment with his doctor?

Whatever the case, Ciara is doing her best to keep Ben from slipping further into insanity, and I love every single second of it. Yasss, Ciara! That's the Bope super kid I want her to be. She's much stronger in this storyline -- both emotionally and physically. No, I mean it! Unless the Salem P.D. station is on a floor in the hospital, Ciara made it down the elevators and across town on one leg! I need whatever vitamin she's taking. That gal's the anti-Mama Hernandez.

LOOSE ENDS: Remember the date: July 12, 2018. Something very rare happened that day. An exclusively committed couple discussed having a baby. What?! A planned pregnancy? I'm trying to think of the last one. (I would say Holly, but she was still a surprise, since Chole did that on her own. So...Theo? Joy Wesley?)

Of course, this pregnancy isn't really planned, either, since Abigail is already pregnant. It's clearly going to be Chad's. Gabi's clearly changed the results. And, Gabi's clearly going after the wrong person.

If anyone in the history of ever had the right to be furious with life, it's Gabi. She was locked away in prison, away from her child, getting beaten so badly that she had to be hospitalized. Oh, and now that she's out, her child hates her, and thanks to that beating, she's developed an infection so bad that it doesn't look like she can ever have any more children. That life is horrible. Gabi's like Wile E. Coyote from Looney Tunes, only she never went after the Road Runner, and anvils of dynamite just keep falling on her head every few minutes.

And I do get why she's mad at Abigail. There's a pattern of Abigail's life blowing up and then somehow landing on Gabi. It's not specifically Abigail's fault, but Gabi's proximity to Abigail certainly hasn't done Gabbers any favors. I can see how she'd be 1-800-SO-OVER all things Abigail.

However, she's going after the wrong target. Stefan and D.A. Trask need to be taken down. Like, a lot of notches. Teaming up with Kate against Rapey McCreeper is a good start. But, again, D.A. Trask came after Gabi with a specific score to settle. That kind of bias has no place in the Salem justice syst....LOL!...sorry, I thought I could make it through that sentence.

The good news is that switching the results this early on gives her months to come clean. To me, her conversation with Chad (pretty stellar understated yet powerful work by Billy Flynn and Camila Banus) was to show Gabi's already conflicted over what she did, at least when it comes to Chad being collateral damage. So, she may not go through with the whole paternity lie. If not, well, people are still slurping up ol' Caroline's chowder. So, there's hope.

Across town, I feel bad for Will. Trying to cover up a murder is hard work, y'all. It's almost as hard as trying to convince your boyfriend that you'll stay with him when you get your memory back.

Yes, Paul found Will and Sonny together...again. He picked up on their secrecy because he's a P.I. Oh, and because he's a human person with eyes. Will gets his lying skills from Aunt Kayla. Somewhere, Sami, Grandma Kate, and Lucas must be wondering where they all went wrong!

All jokes aside, I like Will and Sonny a lot in this storyline. I was a big fan of the early Wilson, but then the novelty of the ingnue who fell for the established gentlemen wore thin. This is a step in the right direction. (Which, yes, I realize is a prosperously ridiculous thing to say about a death cover-up.) But they're equals now. Freddie Smith and Chandler Massey always had good friendship chemistry, as well. So, I'm enjoying watching Sonny and Will as partners in accidental crime.

Tripp, buddy, you know I love you. But Ciara isn't mad at you. She's mad at Claire. You know why? Because that's the relationship that matters. Sure, it sucks to see the guy you dump move on so quickly. But had it been with anyone else, it wouldn't have hurt so much. Claire and Ciara have been through a lot together -- a lot more than the two of you. So, while you are correct that Ciara didn't want to see you and Claire show up at the hospital together, you should have been the one to stay home, my friend. Tell Claire Bear to stay away from her family again, and I'll have no choice but to alert Julie. You've been warned, son.

I'm not at all opposed to Kate having a boy toy...errr...man toy.

Leo's death kind of ruins the whole umbrella storyline that I was so jazzed about two weeks ago. That is...if he's actually dead. Where's Leo's car? Could Kate have switched up the plan with him to be working against Stefan now?

HOT: My testify hand went up in the air so many times last week, I lost circulation in my hand. Brother J.J. was preaching truth left and right! Yes, Theresa's been through a horrible ordeal. It sucks that she can't heal, because she desperately needs it. And, yeah, Brady and Eve have been wretched to her. But, but Theresa can't have a breakdown. She's got to go be someone's mom. J.J. reminded Theresa of that in the sweetest way possible. He got through to her, too!

And, ugh, Yes, Jenny Bear is going to go into pearl-clutching overdrive. But I'm proud of J.J. for claiming the drugs. He has a small idea what it's like to lose a kid. He doesn't want Theresa to go through that. And in that moment, what he stood to lose seemed much less than Theresa. He can find a new job. Theresa can't find a new son...or a new sanity.

NOT: Sorry, I rambled on for so long about Eve that I skipped over the most puzzling rewrite in DAYS history... What in the name of Cosmo Kramer happened to Rafe's hair?! Was he undercover as a member of the Thunderbirds? That's a full-on bouffant; I kid you not! I've praised Robert Scott Wilson's performance before, but he should definitely win a bonus Emmy for not breaking during the Rafe/Ben interrogation scene.

LINE OF THE WEEK: Eve: "What do you mean gone?" Victor: "Gone, disappeared, missing. Can I get you a thesaurus?"

RANDOM THOUGHTS: That gray blazer looked great on Eric Martsolf.

Anyone else get the irony of Sonny insisting, "dead is dead!" to Will?

I got especially happy with the Paul and Roman scene. Something about how lovely Roman is with John's kids gives me hope for humanity.

I do like that Chad wears the Phoenix pinky ring.

I found myself interested to hear Ab's take on Ben's sanity. I'm glad they let her catch herself mid-rant to reel it in.

I worry there's a bit of a rewrite going on surrounding J.J.'s past drug use. He was never an addict. He was a stoner turned small-time criminal, sure. But, that's different than your Jenny Bear hide-drugs-in-the-nursery type addict.

Really, Sonny? You didn't want Vic to clean up your mess? That's his jam!

Wait, Shane and Kim are too busy to see Theresa? I call shenanigans. Wasn't Shane following Theresa or at least having her tailed this whole time?

I don't agree with Brady. Deimos was more of a "fool's gold" bastard.

Gabi needs to call up the fellas and Marlena and schedule some counseling for all of them. Now that Ari's in the dog house for Grape Juicegate, her attitude is only going to get worse.

I like Kate's longer hair. But, I miss the blue streak. It seems to be fading away. Boo.

Now that I see the wallpaper in Jen's house, I'm suddenly understanding why Abigail preferred to live in the attic for a while.

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