Hallelujah! Holy s--t! Where's the Tylenol?

Ah, the holidays! Time for miracles, memories, and madness. Salem is surely no exception to the chaotic cluster funk that 'tis the season. Let's take a look at all of last week's randomness in this week's DAYS Two Scoops!

20-16, amIright? It's given us a lot of cheers, many jeers, and also a fair share of tears. In fact, my heart is still heavy over the passing of Joseph Mascolo. Still, it's almost a wrap. I can't say I won't be glad to turn the calendar page when the ball drops in a few weeks. This has been a long year that has oddly flown by at the same time.

With that "flown by" feeling in mind, I can't believe I'm writing the last official Two Scoops of 2016! It seems like only yesterday that Eric caused a multicar pileup, Dr. Dan died, and Hope shot Stefano (otherwise known as the first week of January). Yes, so much has happened this year, and Laurisa and I will cover all of that over the next two weeks as we come together to celebrate the Tenth Annual Golden Donut and Alex North Memorial Awards. But first, let's look at last week...

Since 2016 has been a random, random year (on- and off-screen, in fact), I'm paying tribute to it by making this one huge RANDOM THOUGHTS section. I'll wait for you to grab a cocktail. Ready? Here we go...

Aww, I love that Hattie got all dolled up with a red ribbon in her hair for Mr. Roman. Even better when she said, "...it's a souffl. I make it real sweet. Like you." Go, Ro Ro, go!

When Brady and Sonny were fighting I just wanted Edna Garrett to pop out of the booth next to them and scream, "Girls. Girls! Stop your fighting."

Abigail told Dario, "Pretending you're dead is a lot more stressful than you'd imagine." There's an easy way to combat that -- tell people you're alive, Abs! Though it's even sadder that Stefano is gone because she and her father-in-law could have traded faking death stories. #diningwiththeDiMeras

Speaking of "back from the dead," Basic Black could really profit in Salem by having a "Resurrection" line. I can see the ad campaign already: "Fake your death or have been held captive and presumed dead by an enemy, but don't know what to wear when reentering the world of the living? Come alive again with *whisper* Resurrection by Basic Black. Look stunning while stunning your loved ones! Available at Barron's Department Store."

I love that Andre throws out lines like, "The race is on, and the stakes are sky high." His flair for the dramatic is legendary. Though, does he really need Chad's help with this tech development deal? Andre is the dude who orchestrated the construction of an island replica of Salem filled with non-dead Salemites whose deaths he staged, gave Sami the means to turn into a man, and, well, the list goes on (and on), but you can pick up what I'm trying to put down.

Snap! Julie and Valerie talked about David Banning. He's Julie's son who Valerie was once engaged to. Coincidentally, they also talked about Valerie's son. Could David be Valerie's baby daddy!? Hmm. Just, "hmm!" More, please.

Umm, yeah, Gabi might want to officially break up with J.J. before kissing on Chad, since some of the reasons she's upset with J.J. are cheating, secrets, and lies.

Mad props to John-Paul Lavoisier and his soap bod, but did Philip really have to be shirtless while Deimos tormented him? I think Deimos got "Fifty Shades" and "Idiot's Guide to Torturing Relatives" mixed up...again. Oh, that guy.

When Jennifer said of Abigail, "She's in my heart," did anyone else whisper at the TV, "And her attic, too!"

It was adorable when Thomas was looking at Abby as she was eavesdropping on her family at, uh, her memorial. And I totally get his frustration by trying to communicate, "But she's RIGHT THERE!" and no one will listen. Welcome to life in Salem, Baby Tom.

Dream Dead Dr. Dan told Napping Nicole, "I'll be with you one way or another." Trust us. We know. #deadhorse

My following statement has nothing to do with the characters themselves, as I enjoy them all for the most part, but does the Claire/Theo/Ciara attempted triangle kind of make anyone else anxious? Largely, Claire has been perceived as warm and smart, so I'm not loving this scheming side of her. More so, I see Claire and Ciara as Jennifer and Hope 2.0, so it's a little sad to see them passive aggressively snarking over Theo (even though he is totally a catch). Ciara needs to give Rory another chance.

Ask Philip, listening to Maggie is always a good idea. I agree. Nicole and Chloe need to mend their friendship after all they've been through. Can anyone say, "flesh-eating bacteria!"?

When Abe and Valerie kissed I really wanted an audience reaction like when people kiss on Fuller House.

How can Deimos be so sure Philip was saying "embryo" and not "Umbro," like the '90s shorts line. That era was a lot better to Philip in terms of storylines. He could be reliving the past.

Good on Hope! She's making all sorts of new friends. I want her to break out the glitter again and make personalized ornaments for all the inmates, well, at least her "Prison Posse." I mean, if you can't be home for the holidays, might as well make the slammer sparkle.

Kate being there for Adrienne is a bright spot in this storyline. There's something comforting about comfort from someone who doesn't sugarcoat things. I loved Kate's encouragement, especially her gem, "You went up against Sami Brady, how does that compare to cancer?"

Maybe we should all pitch in and take up a collection for Steve and Kayla. I'm thinking a case of wine for each month Jade is pregnant. They're going to need some libations to deal with these two mental giants. I'm with Kayla when she stated, "I don't want to think about that yet."

On one hand, J.J. did lie to Gabi and is keeping things from her. You know, again. On the other, he did make a pinky swear to Attic Abs. If only there were a solution to this problem. Oh, wait. Abs could reveal herself. I know she opened the door to the DiMera study with that notion in mind, but after getting an eyeful of Chad and Gabi, there's no way this gal isn't prairie dogging back into her hidey hole. Great! Looking forward to this dragging out a bit longer.

Eve is a mocha latte girl. And just when I thought I couldn't love her more! I totally want to meet her for coffee now and hear that mysterious thumbing sound when I set down my cup. #onlyinSalem

I'm such a sucker for the chemistry between Ari Zucker and Eric Martsolf. Nicole and Brady's friendship is one of my favorite things on DAYS. Again, "More, please!"

While it's easy to see Abigail definitely still has problems, I'm not sold on the notion that she's sooo "fragile." She didn't look entirely meek when blackmailing/counter-blackmailing Dario, or reminded him of it again last week.

I adore sweet Steve and Kayla scenes, but I'm a little concerned about their Valentine's Day wedding. That didn't work out well for Dr. Dan and Nicole.

Gabs is right, Dario! You don't go into a lady's purse without permission. Ever. Though, couldn't that bonehead come up with a quick lie like, "I think I left the receipt in a side pocket." Think, Dario, think!

Yep. Sonny and Abigail are unquestionably related. Neither of them seems to be able to reach out to the ones they love without a lot of dramatic hemming and hawing. Just get it over with already, peeps.

You guys! Who says romance is dead? Deimos totally abducted, restrained, drugged, and nastily interrogated Philip, you know, for Nicole's sake. Take that, Hallmark! I bet you don't have a card for that. On one hand, Deimos isn't wrong for wanting to discover the truth about the baby, especially if (and since) it affects Nicole, whom he, ugh, loves. On the other hand, well, he abducted, restrained, drugged, and nastily interrogated his nephew to do so. Then again, why would he worry? He did the same thing to Bo and barely got a slap on the wrist. And let's also face it, Victor likes Bo much more than that traitor Philip. Double ugh.

What's this Alfie all about? I hope that Mr. Roman can help Hattie. More so, I want more of their scenes, especially with Hope in the background because Kristian Alfonso's amused look kept cracking me up.

Nope. Nothing will make you feel like a total a-hole more than a defeated enemy extending an olive branch, believing you both know what it feels like to lose a child, but knowing your child really isn't dead, am I right, Jenny Bear? I hope we get a Jennifer/Eve scene once this undead cat claws its way out of the bag. Methinks Eve might have a few choice words for J-Ho starting with "hypocrite" and ending with "insensitive."

At first, Brady called Deimos' tale a "half-baked fairy tale." That could kind of be said of his entire relationship with Nicole, but I digress. Now, Brady seems to be drinking the Deimos Kool-Aid, too, perhaps. Awesome. That's exactly what this storyline was missing.

Dead Dr. Dan talked about Options A and B. What about C? That one might be more appealing if A was "Dancole" and B is "Nicimos," or whatever the kids on the cyber streets are calling them. If C is either Eric or Brady, then C for sure.

Did anyone do a triple take when J.J. said, "You didn't lie." I was, like, wwwhhhhaaaaatttt....

Justin is a great ex-husband. If he were that great as a husband, we would have been spared Adrienne's version of The Bachelor. Come on, Justin, get those dimples working overtime and let's end this game once and for all.

I really adored Hira Ambrosino's Tori and wish she'd pay a visit to Salem. Though I worry her dialogue would just be asking Paul about his feelings for Sonny. Nah. That would never happen.

You know, Kate should be less shy and really tell people what she's thinking. I'm sure Brady is still scratching his head about Kate's real feelings toward Theresa.

Related, I chuckled when Nicole told Kate, "Nice is not possible. You suck at it." Funny, but Nicole should speak to Adrienne about that first. Actually, Kate is supporting someone she really doesn't like while Nicole sold her best friend up the river for a dude she wasn't ready to really move on with until last week. Hmm.

Why did the prison guard's cell phone have Rafe's number saved in it? And why did Rafe have the prison guard's cell phone saved as "Hope?" I thought maybe the guard sneaked Hope her phone, but I don't think so. #confused

Okay. The scene between Joey, Jade, et al. during the ultrasound was sweet. I'll give them that.

Oh, boy. If Abs got an angel statue, I'm placing a firm bet that Dr. Dan will get a Jesus statue that's ten times as big and can be seen from anywhere in Salem. This dude will not go away. Though I'd be less salty if we saw as much of Dead Bo and Dead Will as we do Dead Dr. Dude. Just saying.

I joke about Jennifer, but Melissa Reeves is doing an amazing job expressing Jennifer's struggle with knowing the truth about Abigail, her desire to share the news, but also her desire to keep Abigail safe (or what Jennifer thinks safe is).

Part of me thinks Claire enjoys needling Ciara. She did look pretty smug when she said, "You'll find someone as great as Theo." Salt/wound, Claire Bear. Salt. Wound. Though I really wouldn't poke the bear too much because Ciara did once blackmail Sami "The Schemer" Brady for a pair of earrings...when she was a child.

Ha! I kind of didn't mind J.J.'s "back off" reaction to Julie when she threw shade at Gabi. I admire Julie's commitment to the, um, cause, but she really needs to move on, or at least be as evolved as Chad to know that, sure, it sucked what happened to her loved one, but he was no angel, either. Jules needs to watch Hope and Chad interact and take notes.

Deimos said, "It's all about me." Yeah. We've noticed.

HOT Cheers to merrier moments last week! Sometimes we just need silly fun and romance. The Hattie and Mr. Roman scenes were cute and amusing. I'll never not love a Chad and Theo scene. Steve and Kayla get the romance award. And, shocker of all shocks, Kate gets the best buddy award for supporting Adrienne. Lauren Koslow and Judi Evans absolutely nailed those scenes! Bravo, ladies.

NOT This is a total gray area as Chloe should tell Nicole about the baby, but I can't entirely blame Chloe for fearing Deimos, either. After what he's done to Bo, Victor, Maggie, etc., and now Philip, she has reason to be wary of Nicole's cult pastor she's blindly loyal to. Whoops! I mean Deimos. Anyways, no party is right-right, but Chloe is hardly a scheming shrew attempting to abduct Nicole's unborn baby forever. You know, like Kristen did to Brady and Theresa. So this, uh, blackwashing of Chloe is a little infuriating, especially coming from Deimos. I guess they're both going to extremes to protect Nicole's asset, but only one of them tied up, drugged, and tortured someone to do it, so...

LINE OF THE WEEK: Jennifer (to Eve): "Yeah, we don't need to talk about J.J."

PARTING THOUGHTS So, friends and fellow DAYS fans, that's Two Scoops for the week of December 19. In one of my favorite holiday events, Laurisa and I will be back together next week to celebrate the Tenth Annual Golden Donut Awards: The Best of DAYS 2016! So get on your party hats, break out the bubbly, and be ready to celebrate all things dazzling about DAYS next week. And, "That's a fact!"

As always, thanks for reading! Tony

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