Everybody wants to rule the world

Villain? Oh, no, no, no. Meet the world's newest supervillain, Yo Ling. He's a tea sommelier who likes martial arts, brainwashing, torture, and long walks on the beach at sunset. Dislikes include 'Merica, blood diseases, and turncoats. Swipe right to get to know Yo Ling in this week's DAYS Two Scoops!

The good news!? For every time I have to Two Scoop about John's latest paternity rewrites I earn points towards a free Subway sandwich. Guess who's having a free footlong for lunch today? Woot, woot!

The bad news? Eating will have to wait. We have a lot -- and I mean a lot -- to discuss.

For starters, with all of this Yo Ling business, there's one thing that shocks me the most. With his love for conspiracy theories, martial arts, and blaming 'Merica for his problems, Yo Ling does not live in his parents' basement and troll the Internet while posting YouTube videos of his kicks and chops. Ah, I guess he was too busy growing out his chin rat tail to post things. Darn. But that's neither here nor there because we finally discovered John's real-for-now past.

I'll be honest. When I first saw Timmy Yo Ling, I thought he was going to refuse to sell John a Mogwai. As it turns out, Yo is simply a not-so-dead Timothy Robicheaux. That's John's newest dad. Confused? So was I. So, let's do a Tim Yo/John Black breakdown:

John: Born to Santo DiMera's mustache and Shirley Partridge's Irish brogue. John: Born to Leopold and Philomena Alamain. John: Born to some guy and Daphne DiMera. John: Arrived in Salem in a spaceship during a meteorite shower. John: Born to Timothy "Yo Ling" Robicheaux and Maude "I'll Sell Him For A Buck" Robicheaux in Baton Rouge. After Timmy fell down a well, err, was wounded in battle in Korea, he made it to China, healed, and became a conspiracy theorist, studied martial arts, and thought up clever terms for the U.S., such as "United States of Amnesia," "United States of Aggression," and "United States of Ambrosia Salad." He was hungry the day he came up with that last one. Timmy changed his name to "Yo Ling," later founded "The Phantom Alliance," and created the Winterthorne Academy as a cover to train assassins and teach them how to speak in low, guttural voices. Because Tim was presumed dead and Maude was broke, she sold John for magical beans or something. The family that bought baby John died in a car accident. John was placed in a foster home where the Alamains adopted him and renamed him Forest. Forest broke free of his leg braces while running from bullies and never stopped running. Forest was presumed to have drowned and was sent to the Winterthorne Academy (or vice versa). At Winterthorn, John was brainwashed and trained to become an assassin. One of his instructors was Ilya Petrov, who later became Stefano's right hand man for a time, and was presumed to have been killed, too. At some point, Petrov turned John over to Stefano, I think Victor jumped in there for a second, and John became "The Pawn." John the Pawn's antics included art thievery, (assumed) assassinations, various misdeeds, and submarine sex with fellow brainwashee, Hope/Princess Gina. He also thought he was Roman Brady and a priest for a while. And the rest is John Black history (for now, anyway).

Got that? Me either. But I digress...

So, the thing is, I don't mind-mind the John/Yo Ling storyline. That is, once you get past the eye-rollness of another John origin story. With Drake Hogestyn delivering such stellar work and Tobin Bell's creeptastic talents, it's pulling me in.

Plus, I dig that so many characters are involved. Including John's immediate friends and family, Yo Ling's web seems to entangle Deimos, perhaps, too. And I'm mostly thrilled about Paul's inclusion. It's about time he's in a front and center story that doesn't involve him spouting some PSA type stuff -- or hitting on Sonny at Will's gravesite. Yeah, sorry, Paul, didn't forget about that one, but again, I digress.

Okay, truth. This storyline is sort of like watching an '80s cartoon or reading a comic. The dude in me likes this part. And, yes, I have an inner dorky dude who likes nostalgic cartoons, comics, and beer. Okay, not beer, but I do drink Scotch. Anyway...

The action/adventure stuff is fun in a campy fashion. Sure, it contradicts a lot of John's history, but it also explains where he came from in a logical way. Being brainwashed and trained as an assassin kind of checks John's general kickassary as depicted by his years as a man of action. I mean, he didn't get that training from the Salem P.D. #justsaying

Ultimately, this storyline is pure John. It's campy, he's playing the tortured hero, and he's the good guy who wants to save his family from the bad guy. Is this John's greatest backstory ever? Eh, but I'm ready for this to be resolutely his past. We don't need to talk about yet another newly furbished origin in a few months.

Though I will say Yo Ling having Paul, too, is no laughing matter. If he hurts one hair on that dreamboat's head, I'll team up with Steve, Hope, Marlena, and Rafe -- and even push Eduardo in a wheelchair into battle. You're on notice, Mr. Ling. Or Mr. Yo Ling. Not sure how that works. Regardless, Paul being involved is perfect. It's a good time to share the action/adventure torch with the next generation.

As for Yo Ling himself, if Ava is the mayor of Crazy Town, he's the king of the entire Land of Cuckoo, but most evil masterminds are (SEE: Cobra Commander, Dr. Evil, etc.). His disillusionment with his government and finding his former moniker, Tim, weak and insignificant, is kind of a solid bad guy back story as learned from my years of comic nerdery. Taking John's blood and wanting to brainwash Paul is just what campy bad guys do. However, if Yo Ling doesn't have any sharks with frickin' laser beams, I'm going to question his street cred.

Side note: Oh, snap! Yo Ling better watch his step once Hope finds out what he did to Bo. She has an itchy trigger finger and loves a slow-moving target.

In the end, does this crazy, campy supervillain stuff work on DAYS? Well, Stefano's had some pretty mad capers before. The dude had Marlena in an extravagantly decorated human bird cage once, nearly beheaded John in a guillotine, sought after prisms to cure a fatal disease, and bounced back from the dead pretty often, so I'd say Yo Ling is on par with what DAYS has done in the past. I just firmly hope that once this is all said and done, John gets future storylines that don't involve the recanting of his past. Besides, sometimes you just to have go headfirst through the crazy and chuckle about it later.

LOOSE ENDS: Hand me some rice (and hide the scissors), Chad and Abigail are officially Mr. and Mrs. DiMera! Once the wedding show finally got on the road, it was a sweet ceremony and a definitely needed dose of -- wait! I'm searching for the word, what's the opposite of despair, dread? Right! -- needed dose of happiness. And even if it was happiness overshadowed by possible impending doom with perfect abs, I mean Ben, I'll take it (while secretly waiting for super talent Robert Scott Wilson to display more of his special brand of craziness).

Both the readings at the ceremony were superbly soapy sentimental, especially the quote from Jack's book, and Chad and Abigail's vows to each other were totally touching. Kate Mansi not only crushed the scenes but looked beautiful while doing so, and the way Chad gazed at Abigail pretty much secured Billy Flynn's spot on the "Things That Make One Swoon" list. So, yes, the wedding was romantic. It was moving. It was short and not well attended.

And while I'm not sure it was such a hot idea for Chad to lie to Abigail and for J.J. to go along with it on the wedding day, I understand his need to try to soothe her. Sort of. She was totally and justifiably a hot mess due to Ben's big bounce from the psych ward. Though I kind of hate the entire "Let's keep things from the lady folks because they can't handle it" shtick. Abigail gave birth at gunpoint and then was nearly burned to death. She can handle it, Chadsworth.

About Abigail's said "totally justified hot mess"-iness. I'm placing my bet now. I think she's heading for a Laura Horton-sized breakdown. I know that we're to suspect Ben shredded her nightie, but what if Abs did it herself and doesn't remember? She has a possible Postpartum Depression/PTSD combo platter to deal with, and add in the fact that everyone else around her is a hot mess, too, and Abs is not in a great place sans Chad's love and cute baby Thomas. Her going off the deep end and having to be institutionalized for a bit may also usher in a recast someday. But that's just my latest hunch. Moving on...

Yep. Nicole will definitely need a new pair of sunglasses before she sees Theresa's engagement ring. I'd give Brady much more credit for picking out such a honking rock, but, really, he's had a lot of experience. Like, no, really. He has. I'm pretty sure his second date rule is to check his pockets for his keys, Mentos, wallet, and an engagement ring. But for the sake of being nice, I'm glad there was a little more romance on the show last week! And I'll even give their relationship another month or two. Okay, fine. Until May Sweeps.

Though, I'm on Team Theresa. She claimed, "I'm trying really hard not to be a jealous bitch here." She's being too hard on herself. I don't think her actions have been bad, especially considering this is the lady who nearly killed John because, um, I'm not sure I remember why anymore. Point is, a few snarky comments is pretty advanced for Theresa. And honestly, I'd be rather annoyed by Summer and Nicole at this point, too.

Summer. Dario. Dr. Dan's heart. Oh, sorry. I was just making a list of things I want to FedEx back to California.

Okay. I'll bite. The best part of the Summer storyline so far was Suzanne Rogers' performances last week. She was fantastic! And I'm thrilled that Maggie is getting more airtime where she's not scolding Victor (and a high-five to Maggie's chutzpa in dealing with Deimos). But this Summer storyline in and of itself is just kind of not necessary (See this week's "TRUE 'DAT LINE OF THE WEEK" which explains it straight from the crazy horse's mouth).

In addition to Ciara trying to cope with what Chase did to her, now she has to deal with figuring out how her birthday went from December to July to March. I guess it's a complicated algebraic equation involving adding and subtracting years, months, etc. I'll go with the old standby reaction, "Sure, why not."

Um, when did Belle work hard to get along with Shawn? I'm a bit confused by her comment. Shawn can say, "Hi, Belle. Nice dress." And she replies, "What's that supposed to mean!?"

First, OMG, yes -- Rory is back! I adore Kevin Riggin. Second, it appears Rory is now a drug dealer. I guess that's a natural next step for his always-high little behind. At least he knows the products. Which brings me to three...

Rory is a dealer. His bestie is/was J.J. Methinks these two former friends are headed on a collision course now that J.J. is po-po. And me also thinks that Jennifer will eventually, let's say, make a purchase from the Rory McStoner Pharmacy, which will make things even more personal for J.J. This could actually get rather interesting.

To go back to the Yo Ling talk for a second, I'm sort of disappointed that DAYS didn't somehow loop Tommy Horton Jr.'s name into this storyline. I'm not shocked, as Tommy seems to have been forgotten about ages ago, just disappointed. Tommy was Salem's original Korean War vet and came back with amnesia and a new face to prove it. Ah, well. Maybe next week it will happen. Or not.

HOT

John may have more daddy issues than a Criminal Minds unsub, but Drake Hogestyn is on fire! Despite John's history, it's John's love for his family and friends that propels him through any situation. Drake expresses amazingly. A big cyber hat tip to you, Mr. Drake! NOT Really? Not even one freakin' green beer at the Brady Pub for St. Patrick's Day? Come on, writers.

LINE OF THE WEEK John (to Yo Ling): "You got me chained to a pole. You can call me whatever you want."

TRUE 'DAT LINE OF THE WEEK Summer: "Why does Maggie need a grown daughter now? She already has two, and they're not as big of a mess as I am." #sayDAYSfanseverywhere

EXCHANGE OF THE WEEK Marlena (on searching for John): "I'm going with you." Rafe: "No, no, Marlena..." Marlena: "[slowly and sternly] I'm going with you." Steve: "She's going with us."

RANDOM THOUGHTS Time to show your support to John and Yo Ling! They'll be co-judges come the fall on NBC's new The Voice spin-off show, The Voice: Christian Bale's Batman Voice Edition, which will be sponsored by Ricola and Sunsweet Ones California Prunes. Read that in a low, grunty voice. It's more fun that way.

Aww, poor Claire! First she has to deal with Belle and Philip and then her bestie runs out during the song she wrote and performed for her. Ciara gets a pass due to extreme circumstances, but I hope Claire learns what to do the next time Belle and Philip are around. That is, run and take me with her!

The look on Belle's face when she was looking at the photos of Ava's lair? Priceless. Totally priceless. #IloveMarthaMadison

Ah, well. At least Ava had a hobby. Though, now that I've seen her collages, I'm a little nervous to peek inside her scrapbook. I'm not sure that puff paint and blood work together.

Yes! Rafe called Shane. I'll trade a Summer or Dario scene for a Shane one. Just saying.

I totally think that Belle could be Salem's version of Elle Woods. Let's get this lady in some pink and see what happens.

Speaking of Belle, she nearly nabbed the "LINE OF THE WEEK" with this gem about Ava. She said to Steve, "She not only lived in Crazy Town, she was the mayor of Crazy Town!"

I have no illusions that I won't be joining Stefano in soap hell someday, so I'll just confess something. I laughed, like, a lot, when seeing Maggie's down on the farm family photo. Just the Photoshopness of it all made it look like a Hee-Haw cast photo. And, honestly, that sort of distracted from Suzanne Rogers' heart-wrenching performance.

Does the music in the John/Yo Ling scenes sound a little Silence of the Lambs-ish? That's not a complaint. I also wouldn't complain if Yo Ling asks John to place something in a basket.

Um, if Theresa gets a ring for her patience, what do we get as an audience?

Was inviting Eric and having an open bar at the reception that great of an idea?

Aww! I adored the glances between Theo and Ciara during Jen's reading at the wedding. Though you could tell Jenny Bear wanted to be, like, anywhere else but there.

I'd accept the fact that I'm not the most sentimental person ever, but did Abigail really need to re-walk down the aisle/across the living room for a second time? The gig was kinda up. Everyone saw her dress. More so, her freakout kind of was the hot topic at the time.

Chad: "Listen to Julie." Julie: "Wow. No one's ever said that to me before." Tony (to his TV): "But that doesn't stop you from chiming in, Jules."

Can we now say that a murder in Ben's old apartment is the ickiest thing that's happened there? I kid, I kid, but, really, does Kate know Will was killed there? Like, ten feet from where she was inhaling Deimos.

I'm just saying that if they needed a few more people at Chad and Abigail's reception to take care of some of those scrumptious-looking deserts, they could have called Dan, Laurisa, and me. #Iwantcaketoo

OMG! I'm so glad I changed before Two Scooping. It's so embarrassing when people show up in the same outfit, and Jade and I were totally rocking the same extra skimpy short shorts. You know, in March, while others were wearing coats. We're totes going to have a "Who wore it better?" showdown.

PARTING THOUGHTS So, friends and fellow DAYS fans, that's Two Scoops for the week of March 21. I haven't been this excited to announce a return since Kristen and all her sassiness sauntered back into Salem, but Laurisa will be back next week with an all new DAYS Two Scoops! Um, yes, please! And, "That's a fact!"

As always, thanks for reading! Tony

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