On the verge of going mad

If you're trying to avoid stress, Salem might not be the place to go for your summer vacation. The citizens are crazy, horny beasts with hair-trigger tempers and pent-up rage. So, if you like your getaway with a side of snark and revenge, let's take off together in this week's Two Scoops!

Okay, Norman Bates may have had a point when he said, "We all go a little mad sometimes." Those wacky citizens of Salem are no exception. In fact, there were a lot of Salemites on the verge last week, and I totally ate up every nutty second. Let's start with Xander. He's real, real crazy, y'all. Downright chilling.

Logically speaking, Xander is a messed-up bad dude with some anger management issues that make the Hulk look like a pacifist. Sans the part where he's gotten handsy with women, I like having such a brooding, spooky character around. He's the Kiriakis version of Andre DiMera. Plus, he's certainly a better villain than yawns like Alex North, Ian McAllister, and Clyde. Truth, I like James Read, and he plays the hillbilly hell out of Clyde, so it's not his fault Mr. Weston isn't such a rock star. I digress.

Xander is nuts, but I agree with him on one thing. I'm just as irritated at Victor and company for treating him like such an outsider, and me being irritated with Victor takes a lot. Xander said it himself, "I'm Kiriakis blood. Family!" Um, yes. Yes he is. Sure, Dr. St. Daniel was raised like one of Victor's own and Maggie is his mother, but Xander has every right to be upset that he's literally being kicked out of the band. Victor actually said, "You're out. Go!" Way harsh, Vic.

In true crazy pants fashion, Xander trashed a park bench and vowed to make everyone who's crossed him pay. I think flames were literally coming from his nostrils as he said that. So, naturally, I added some names to his list and passed a memo to him with the ease one uses around a snarling dog, but, again, I digress.

Unfortunately, that means Nicole is on Xander's list, and I don't like that. Sure, she's playing him and he wants revenge, but I'd rather see him take his frustrations out on someone else. Say, someone who treats Nicole like an emotional boomerang. Someone who gets mad and tosses her away with disgust and then welcomes her back some time later as if he's missed her, only to toss her once more.

Then again, if Dr. Dan ends up in a hospital bed, can he really seduce himself? Additionally, I'm not looking forward to him hooked up to machines singing "Don't Cry for Me Argentina Salem USA" from a hospital balcony while everyone holds a candlelight vigil. There's no winning with that guy. Just ask Nicole.

Actually, you can also ask Paige about Dr. Dan. She's not thrilled with the dude right now, either. How did she put it? He's low on the list of people that should have told her about J.J. and Eve, but she would have appreciated his honesty. That was Paige being a bit bitchy (which she has every right to be). Still, she's like a puppy in the revenge department. We still have to lay down newspaper for her in case of an accident, but she's learning to be snarky, and, like Rory, I'm enjoying her a bit more these days. If she were only a few years older, I'd suggest she and Xander meet each other pronto. They could certainly find some common ground to lament on.

The good news is that J.J. finally got it through his thick head that it's over with Paige. I'm not holding my breath, though, especially after he made the comment about "what killed her, really killed her" is that they slept together more than once. I'm going to out on a limb here, but I'm pretty sure sleeping with your girlfriend's mom even once kind of, I dunno, kills things. But that's just me.

I'll give Dr. Dan credit. His talk with J.J. was spot-on tough love. I cheered when he told J.J. that he'll always be the boy who slept with her mother. Yep. That about sums it up. Though, I hope J.J.'s newfound clarity rings true. Rory's also right about him being a Debbie Downer, which has been the majority of his relationship with Paige. Let's hope this entire gang moves on, and I wouldn't be that upset if Paige moved on with Rory. He's been a good friend to J.J. In turn, J.J. has yelled at him a lot and blows him off often. I'd say Paige is fair game. Go for it, Stoney McStonerson!

Speaking of "going for it," Chad and Abigail did. They did three times, actually. I guess Clyde is right. Ben has something to worry about. Honestly, I feel bad for Abigail. Life's, like, rough when you have to choose between the hot small town guy with abs for days or the charismatic, handsome rich guy with hypnotic eyes. I want to re-re-record "We Are The World" a third time and send the proceeds to Abigail as she charters these uncertain waters. I kid, I kid.

Here's the thing. I like Chad. I like Abigail. I think they were hot together. And if Billy Flynn's bedroom eyes didn't make you swoon, you should get things checked out. Still, I just don't feel there's a need for the triangle or for Abigail to have another affair. A DiMera heir and Horton heiress really don't need the drama of a third party each time they date. Their families will cause enough trouble interfering. Do we need a dud of a dude to third wheel it until they find their way back together? No. No, we don't. I say get those wacky kids together and spring Gabi from the pen for Ben. They seem like they'd be a good match.

Still, the "Road to Chabby" is a bumpy one. He decided to Harry and the Henderson Abigail by treating her like Dr. Dan treats Nicole crap to drive her away. He came across like a royal douchebag. She went back to Ben. And Ben went back to being a bonehead for listening to Clyde. Anyway, Chad did what he did because he truly loves Abigail, but wants to protect her from Stefano's clutches. It's very soapy, and I'm ready for the next chapter of this steamy summer romance. LOOSE ENDS: I loved everything about Hope, Rafe, and investigating Clyde last week. Out of it, we got Rafe being at his coolest, a Hope/Victor scene, Roman chiming in, and Hope being the kickass, badass detective I know and love her for. More so, I love that Hope is placed in the hero role and is doing it to save her loved ones from the clutches of Clyde. Go, Hope -- you don't need Superman to swoop in and save the day for you anymore, you are the Superman! Conversely, Aiden will make a super Lois Lane.

Evil Eve is somehow planning to use Laura Horton's history with mental illness to enact revenge on Jennifer. Um, I thought Jennifer was already heading down that path, as she's been kinda wacky the past few years, but okay. Let's go with Eve's plan to drive Jennifer nuttier. I like it. It's cruel. It's using DAYS history. And, most importantly, I'm hoping that it pushes Jennifer back to her old self and Eve out of the kiddie pool. This could be a win, especially with the ber talents of Kassie DePaiva spearheading the revenge charge.

Also for the win, Eric is learning all sorts of nasty things about Serena and wants answers. He also knows about the elephant. I so want him to be the hero and save Nicole. These two Rollerblading former lovebirds need to hug it out and move on once and for all.

First, I'm officially inviting Kate to every party going forward. One will never be boring with her there. Was she a total a-hole for making a scene at her great-granddaughter's birthday party? You betcha. Did I love it? So much, especially because Lucas is still on a roll and is striking back.

Second, why was a two-year-old's birthday party harder to get into than Studio 54 in the late '70s? The godmother's boyfriend couldn't go? Nor could Chad or T, the dads' best friends? Yet they closed the entre club for the event. That didn't make sense to me. Then again, the cake wasn't that big, and Hope had been eyeing it up since she got there. I love her sweet tooth!

Third, with the Adrienne/Lucas affair out, what's left? My suggestion is like Justin's: I want him and Adrienne to work it out. I want Lucas to take a second look at Zoe, or perhaps Serena, Sally, or... Let's just say, let's take this yellow dog out back and bang, bang. It was cute because it was brief. Let's not drag it out.

Finally, this loops back around to the topic de jour of crazy. Yep, let's talk about Will. He had a brief shining moment when he delivered such a nice speech. And that was it. He's being a little creepy and not in a fun way. I've seen skeevy men in trench coats offering candy from their pockets come across less cringe-worthy than Will has been acting lately. He needs to stop, and I loved every flipping moment of Marlena force-feeding him the truth about his actions. She's right. And I'm admitting that even after Mar Mar murdered Kristen, so you know I'm pretty over Will. Kinda like Sonny, am I right?

HOT

Let's hear it for the boys! Paul Telfer and Billy Flynn stole last week's shows, hands down. Paul was creeptastically brilliant while Billy embodied everything you love (and love to hate) about those multilayered DiMera men. Both performances were captivating, so let's give credit where credit is due -- bravo, Paul and Billy! You two rocked and rolled, good sirs. Well done!

NOT Sadly, I think the Will/Sonny/Paul triangle either needs a timeout nap or an energy drink to pump it up because it's getting a little tired. I feel like I've been watching the same scenes for months now. I really want, "OMG, shut up!" in the excited valley girl way, not "OMG, shut up!" in the actual exasperated "Oh, my God, shut up" kind of way.

LINE OF THE WEEK Chad (to Abigail): "I'm a DiMera, honey. Cruel is in our DNA." That was horrible and hot at the same time, and sort of the modern day "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn," even though he does.

HONORABLE MENTIONS: Theresa (to J.J.): "At least this bitch has got a bright future, and you? You got nothing." Kate (to Clyde): "This town is just a little bit incestuous." Rory (to Paige): "I really do like this empowered woman thing you got going on. I mean, I'd get it if you didn't bounce back from this whole J.J. doing your mom thing, but you just got this attitude of 'bring it on!'" Chad (to Stefano): "So, did you have somebody watching me, or do you have cameras in my bedroom? Do you have any notes on my performance!?"

RANDOM THOUGHTS Dr. Dan and Parker are a cutenado that sweeps you up. The entire "Did you pack your teeth?" scene was all shades of adorable.

In competition for "Most Adorable Dad and Son Duo" were also John and Paul. I like when they play nice. And John even took Paul to work with him. Hmm, I wonder if John kicked Roman out of his desk so Paul could sit down?

Stefano and Chad wouldn't win any daddy and me contests, but dang it if Joseph Mascolo and Billy Flynn aren't a little bit of magic together. I love the ease of their banter. Oh, oh! Pick me! On loving banter, yes, please to the J.J./Theresa scenes! Love. Them. Jen Lilley and Casey Moss crushed it with the contempt, which completely cracked me up. More, please!

I want to see Laura and give her a birthday gift, too. I also want to watch her face when Jennifer tells her about J.J. sleeping with his girlfriend's mom, to which Jennifer can add, "Sort of like when you slept with Jack." And then they can all have a hearty belly laugh.

Nicole's coworker Sally looks like Mel B.

Stefano needs a hug. He should also get a puppy to love. It might take some of the pressure off of Chad.

Will said, "I tell the truth for a living." Really. Really? Ugh. Let's pretend that's true and move on...

Ben and Polly's "The More You Know" PSA about Chad was super awesome. By "super awesome," I mean we get it, dear writers -- Chad's a dirty bird.

So, John and Hope are partners? If I heard that right, I'm totally cool with that.

Clyde said, "Ben got the smarts" in the family. Totally, Clyde. To-tally. No sarcasm here. Keep walking. Aw! John was thinking about Tori. Yes, yes. Me, too, John. Let's bring back Hira Ambrosino as Tori. Like, ASAP.

One consistent thing I've always enjoyed about Rafe over the years, even during the time I wanted him to get eaten by a jackal, is that he has hella contacts. He needs to start using them to, but not limited to, find Anna DiMera, track down the Gemini Twins, and bring Dario back to Salem. I love Anna, he might like Cassie (which would drive Kate wild), and, well, we all know how Dario feels about me, so, really, he'd be doing his brother a favor.

Speaking of Dario, why couldn't he Skype with Arianna Grace for her birthday? Oh, wait. He probably wasn't invited. No uncles allowed.

Is it sad that I'd rather watch Nicole investigate a Salem Power and Light scandal than see her suck face with Dr. Dan?

Kudos to the director for letting Abigail have bedhead. She earned it. Three times.

Good on Lucas. I'd refuse baked goods from Kate, too.

Drats! I have something in common with Jennifer. We both donated to the Children's Fund in Kristen's memory. Actually, this was a nice nod to their history. You know, even though Kristen isn't really dead. #denial

PARTING THOUGHTS So, friends and fellow DAYS fans, that's Two Scoops for the week of June 15! Since several Salemites seem to be going cray cray, whose breakdown are you looking forward to the most? I'm off to construct a padded room for Jennifer, so Laurisa will be back next week with a big net and a can of Crazy Off. And "That's a fact!"

As always, thanks for reading! Tony

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