Thoroughly modern Melanie

Our premier party girl is all grown up and moving on out... or back in with her mother. Either way, her farewell lap was a return to the grand tradition of tender soap exits.

I have mixed feelings on Melanie's exit. On one hand, her final goodbye meant that time ran out on that rewrite I was so desperately hoping would restore her spunk. Instead, this return will join the long line of sequels that just weren't nearly as good as the original.

On the other hand, the exit itself was tremendous. The flashbacks, the meeting with characters, everything about it was great. Even if you didn't happen to like Melanie, you can agree that this type of exit is what we'd like to see anytime an established character leaves Salem. No more going upstairs to the Brady Pub to take a nap and then casually moving to Chicago without us knowing. Mmmkay?

But back to Mel's reason to exit -- she decided that there's no way she could fight Theresa when Theresa has the Tate trump card in her corner. This move was pretty out of character for the gal who didn't let Stephanie or Kristen stand in her way. But it is in line with Mel's weak sauce return.

So, off she'll go to live with her mom. (Was I the only one hoping she'd mention living with Max and Chelsea in London instead?) And Brady will be left behind, broken-hearted, and...okay...sorry, I can't even make it through that sentence. Brady will be just fine because, let's get real here, he'll fall face-first in love with the very next gal he dates. He's Brady, and that's what he does. Truer words were never spoken when Theresa assured Melanie that Brady would get over his anger. He so will.

Elsewhere in Salem, several Horton kids seemed to continue down the path of least sense. Seriously, what's up with J.J., Will, and Abigail all employing the "oh, I know I'm just not capable/deserving of real love" crapola? What I wouldn't give for Alice to sit all three of these knuckleheads down at her kitchen table, tell them to stop feeling sorry for themselves, and encourage them to get their respective acts together!

For real, you three. No more doughnuts until I see some determination out of you!

And that even applies to screwing up. Yes, Theresa is a nasty piece of work for using her kid as a blackmail tool. But you know what? At least she means it. She's all in on her schemes. I can respect that. But I have a really, really hard time rooting for characters who flat-out claim they're just too weak to do better.

I have some hope for J.J. He's still young enough to turn himself around. But they need to put a pin in Paige and J.J. This is not some grand love affair between legacy kids. We can let this one go.

Hopefully, that will also put an end to the way J.J. keeps blaming his current actions on Jack's past. That noise really bums me out. Sure Jack made a monumental mistake with Kayla. But Jack changed. He was a solid, descent guy whose greatest detriment ended up being his dedication to keeping his family happy. So this whole "look at my dad" bit that J.J. keeps slinging rings pretty hollow for me. Your dad was a whole lot more than one horrible mistake, J-money.

As for Will, I'm starting to genuinely worry about Sonny not seeing the red flags popping up all around Will. The dude intentionally skipped their therapy session. He honestly thinks that you can't love two people at once. And he's under the assumption that Sonny would only be honest with him if Will was holding the talking stick during honesty hour. I'm telling you, Arianna, look up Uncle Dario in Argentina and plan your trip now!

Finally, there's Abigail. I am not even gonna try to act all moral here because a scotch-drinking Chad in the DiMera rose garden rivaled the fantasy finale of most seasons of The Bachelor. A totally swoon-worthy performance by Billy Flynn didn't hurt at all. So I get why Abigail lost herself in that moment.

But what I didn't really dig was Abigail using that weirdo excuse about loyalty to purposely put herself in that moment. First of all, who says Abigail needs to be loyal to anyone? She's young! She has no responsibilities! She doesn't even pay living expenses! Get out there and party, you pretty young thing!

Second, there's no reason she couldn't have told Ben about her feelings for Chad. Heck, she told Cameron about her feelings for Chad, and Ben is kinda, sorta, exactly the white-guy version of Cameron.

I guess my main complaint is that too much of Abigail's character has been reliant on who she's dating (and I use that word loosely) at the time. She's either so confused because she just doesn't know what to do with these two strapping young lads vying for her attention or she's so overcome by desire that she just can't control her body. Sigh. I want better for Abigail.

LOOSE ENDS How cute was Uncle Paul introducing himself to baby Tate?

I get Eve's annoyance with Jen. And it pains me to stick up for Jen. But it's not Jen's fault that Paige's life is ruined. At best, Jen's fourth in line behind: 1) Eve 2) J.J. 3) The saleslady who lied to her about that wardrobe

I cannot stand that Daniel thinks that Xander owes him some kind of request or conversation about a woman Daniel's treated like absolute trash for the better part of the last year. If he's that concerned about what Xander's intentions are for Nicole, why not man up and grovel back to Nicole?? Nah, tattling to Victor is probably just as good.

Furthermore, I wish Victor had told Daniel to can his prima donna attitude. Look, Daniel. Family is all about having dinner with people you have problems with. Get over it.

Paige has been trending up since the reveal. I howled with joy when she told J.J. that his self-esteem issues were not her fault. She, like me, had 1-800-Enough of J.J. and his particular blend of logic. Wishful storyline -- Sonny hires Paige as a nanny for Ari. While there, Paige begins helping Will with his investigation into Clyde and uses her superior intellect (no sarcasm, the gal got into Stanford, and they need to stop downplaying her brainpower) to crack the case that Clyde ordered the hit on Sonny. Thankful for her solving his brother's case, Joey Kiriakis returns to Salem to defend his family and meet this smartie gal.

Speaking of smart people, I wish DAYS would give fans a little more credit. We remember Nicole's history. This woman legitimately loved Victor and E.J. Oh, and she spent some quality time in a jumpsuit herself. So she really can't be concerned that Xander served time for murder. Just like with Sonny, Serena's under no obligation to just volunteer details about her past lovers to her current beau. However, Eric sensed tension between the two of them and asked Serena directly what her issue was with Xander. And Serena lied, saying that she never really liked him in the first place. So, in this case, He of the Scowling Face has the right to snarl at her.

HOT

Three short days, but two delightful Kayla scenes! I'll take that ratio! Kayla was absolutely charming with Abigail. I love the chemistry between Mary Beth Evans and Kate Mansi. Then, Kayla was a hoot handling Kate. It just goes to show that it doesn't matter what they give Kayla to do, she always does it just right!

NOT "Will, you can trust Clyde" -- Kate is becoming a bigger fool by the second. This makes me so very sad.

LINE OF THE WEEK Theresa (to Melanie after Mel's rant about how despicable Theresa is): "Oh, so no postcards from Vienna then?"

Honorable mention: Paige: (J.J) "All I needed was for you to be honest with me. Well that, and for you to not sleep with my mother."

RANDOM THOUGHTS Will threw out Sonny's Taylor Swift T-shirt. In completely related news, my sister officially hates Will more than anything else in the world. #TeamTaylor

Ha! Anne reaching out to touch Paul was wonderful.

I really liked Mel's dress.

I felt like the show missed an opportunity to point out the head-tilting rule that sexually active gay men are not allowed to donate blood in this country. When Paul showed up the first time, Maxine assumed he was straight. This time, everyone knows he's gay, and sadly, he would be turned away -- despite the fact that this ex-professional athlete is probably in better health than the majority of Salem.

I know he was joking, but I can totally see Victor having a set of "Stay Away from Nicole" flashcards.

I was so glad Eric broke up the Jen/Eve fight. I thought for sure we'd get Super Dan -- cape and all -- flying to the rescue.

Yay! Kate is still cancer-free.

For the record, the flashback of Sonny saying that he'll always care about Paul happened when Sonny was physically holding Will's daughter with Gabi. This makes it a little hard to get my arms around Will's stance that Sonny's ex should be completely out of Sonny's life.

I can't blame Zoe for hitting on Chad. It's kind of adorable when a business tycoon gets all arts-and-craft-sy.

Navidad was wearing a fabulous dress and watching Nicole, which I found 1000 times more exciting than Nicole watching Daniel.

For the record, I'd watch a web series where Paul just goes around, meets the people of Salem, and tries to make himself a handbook about how everyone's lives intertwine.

And that's it for this short week! @Tony_S_Days will be back to cover the steamy continuation of Chabigail's scene and corner Nicole to get her to come clean that she took just a wee bit too long to protest that kiss from Xander.

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