Where does the pollen go?

Even the birds and the bees were probably shocked by some of the steamy shenanigans several Salemites were up to last week! Just don't ask them where babies come from unless you have a lot of time. It's a special delivery in this week's DAYS Two Scoops!

Tah-dah! Kristen is back. Her latest spring accessory is a bouncing bundle of Brady and Theresa joy. Just, uh, don't say that to her. To Kristen, Baby Christopher is undeniably hers. All hers. Like, so hers she wouldn't even break for a Kit Kat bar to consider she's not really the mama. Nope. The baby boy is hers. Got it? Good, because this crazy beotch will cut you.

Though, the way I look at it is this: Brady said he wasn't sure he was ready for kids. Kristen helped him out by taking his. Is she a diabolical, deranged psychopath, or just a good Samaritan? I don't know. I really don't know.

Fortunately, Brady knows he's most likely a daddy. Gumshoe nurse Melanie put the pieces of the embryo caper together. I'm actually impressed by Mel's skills. The Salem P.D. usually lucks their way into an arrest. Melanie put the crime together by connecting a lot of dots and a ton of awkward giggling. It also helps that she has a medical background and a scheming past. In any event, it's a win. I'm glad this baby ball is off and rolling, especially if it brings Brady and Kristen face-to-face, which is definitely the "win" part as these two powerhouses never fail to entertain.

In fact, let's take a look at some of the other fantastic aspects to this storyline. For starters, Kristen is back -- she's back in an Italian castle with a nursery that's hidden behind a bookshelf. Lady loves her secret rooms. And I love the grandness of it all. It's definitely a throwback to the days of bigger sets, action, adventure, and mystery.

As is Brady heading to Italy, thanks to Victor's help! Yes, please. And Melanie stowing away is fun, too. We even got to see a snazzy plane set! Though I'm not a huge fan of Brady and Melanie the couple, I absolutely know they love each other. They were besties first, so I can see why Mel would go to such great lengths to help and protect Brady. I dig that, and I also dig that sooner or later, the castle will be full of Salemites all tangled in Kristen's web. I'm hoping for an epic showdown (and that somehow Mar Mar will end up there, too, because a Dee Hall/Eileen Davidson battle is a surefire win). I have the edge of my seat already reserved.

While on the subject of epic showdowns, the dust settled between John, Tori, Paul, and company. The cat's out of the bag. So, congratulations, John! Last week he got a son, and this week a grandson. He must be using Miracle-Gro on his family tree. Then again, John's tree is a bit of a tangled mess. No one knows where his actual roots are, and several branches seem to be overlapping. Still, I'm game. I love the idea of Paul being John's son. It's opening up a lot of storyline potential and, more so, Drake, Hira, Christopher, Freddie, Deidra, and Guy are playing the hell out of their scenes in the best possible way.

So, let's take a quick look at the fallout. Paul, a.k.a. the most forgiving man in the world, isn't mad at Tori. He believes she was doing what she thought was right. I'm glad, because Paul needs one parent he doesn't hate, and right now, that isn't John. There's still a stadium full of animosity there, thanks to their recent run-ins. John is determined to make it work with Paul. Paul isn't as determined. And I'm eager to see this play out.

As for Tori, Hira totally nailed the role again last week! Where has Tori been all of my soap life? Though, love Tori as I do, it was a bit premature for her to scold her son by saying, "Paul, don't speak to your father that way." Too soon, Tori. Way too soon.

As for John and Marlena, well, let's just say he's a little steamed at Doc for not divulging her hunch about Paul's paternity. Still, "Jarlena" bounces back like a kangaroo on a trampoline. I'm not worried about them in the long run, and John deserves to be upset right now. Sure, it's a gray area, and I'm not that upset with Mar. She thought she was doing the right thing at the time. More so, I like seeing Marlena with a little egg on her face, but that could just be my inner Kristen talking. #sorryDoc

Though one thing Mar Mar, John, Sonny, Paul, and Tori could agree on was that it's all Will's fault this came out. Tori's not without her faults, but Will is the one who triggered the avalanche. In this case, I'm actually grateful to him, as this storyline has been a winner. So, um, thanks, Will?

Finally, an upset Sonny sent Will home. He can't stand to look at him. Welcome to the club, Sonny.

LOOSE ENDS: Twist! I knew Abigail was setting herself up for some kind of major embarrassment the way she was flinging herself at the sushi, but I didn't expect Zoe to walk in. I know it was a business meeting, though I kind of love this. Zoe would be a very good DiMera bride with all of her chutzpah and downright ball-buster attitude. This could be an exciting addition to the Chad/Abigail/Ben storyline. Well, an addition that would make it exciting...finally.

Oh, young love! Don't any of you worry about J.J. and Paige. They made love, and he proclaimed, "We're going to be in love forever." Nope, nothing could go wrong except, well, everything. I say bring on the lovey-dovey stuff. The happier they are, the closer they will be to imploding. Let the countdown begin...after I grab another barf bag.

Way to rock a scene, Kassie DePaiva! She crushed it when Eve realized that J.J. had his, um, hand in Paige's, uh, cookie jar. The awareness on her face was priceless, as was her breakdown. Though, she still gets off easy. She didn't have to listen to Paige talk about her experience. Then again, Eve doesn't have to ask how it was. Eww. Still eww.

And speaking about the J.J./Paige experience, there's Jennifer. She also knew what was going on upstairs, not that J.J. and Paige were good at hiding their afterglow. Again, my friend "Eww" wants to come out and play. Jennifer has been present at/after J.J.'s last two sexual endeavors. Methinks this needs to stop. Jennifer is making Kate look like a hands-off, non-buttinsky kind of mother. And, sure, there is the mother of all secrets out there that Jennifer is trying to keep hidden, but sooner or later, they're going to change the Horton house into a motel, and J.J. will start spouting, "A boy's best friend is his mother." This storyline needs a lot of space and airing out.

By the way, what is with Eve and the sex jacket? I haven't seen someone this obsessed with an accessory since Gollum and the ring, or Will and cardigans. That would be like John keeping all the different remote controls that have been used to activate his brainwashings over the years.

Oh, Nicole. Nicole, Nicole, Nicole. When she asked Dr. Dan if he was disappointed in her, I wanted to scream, "No! But I am." Dr. Dude's not wrong when he says Nicole sails from one man to another, but he's also as black as the pot he's calling kettle. At this point, I don't think I'll ever find them endearing or root for them as a couple. Nicole has to basically keep lightning fast reflexes to catch all the demands Dr. Dan is throwing at her and a sharp mind to keep memorized the list of people she's not allowed to talk about, which will all continue to be in vain, as he doesn't trust her...at all. The foundation of their relationship is shakier than Jell-O during an earthquake. That might not be such a good thing.

Also not so much of a good thing was the fight between Nicole and Theresa. It seemed contrived. Theresa called Nicole a psycho. Nicole called her a poisonous, tattletale bitch. Then they batted each other around until Xander broke them up. There were two bright spots, though. One, thankfully, neither Dr. Dan nor Eric was around to give Theresa and Nicole another lecture. I guess last week's quota was filled. And, two, Xander's egotistical, yet hysterical, response to the fight, "You weren't fighting over me, were you?"

Though Xander kind of broke my heart a bit. I don't mind shady bad guys, especially when they look like Xander. I even don't mind some money laundering or diamond smuggling in a flaming hot fictitious felon. But I draw the line when he got handsy with Serena. She's not my best pal, but manhandling a woman is a no-no in my book. Um, maybe its "womanhandling," but whatever. Xander, the bad is on you, pal. Stop it!

Finally, we come to Kate. Yep, she needs to clear a space on her fireplace. She's a frontrunner for Mother of the Year, though this year's award is going to be a bronze statue of Lucas giving her the middle finger. Yeah, she kind of sold him up the river by outing his affair with Adrienne to Victor -- who fired him...through the door while he was snuggled up with Victor's nephew's wife. I guess Kate might get his job, after all, and, ultimately, I'm not worried. Kate and Lucas have had the "I'm never speaking to you again" drama before, and look how close they are now!

HOT

I repeat, "Kristen's back -- tah dah!" It's magic, and I never want it to end. #denialismybestfriend

NOT DAYS needs to adopt the slogan, "Make love, not lust." Okay, to explain. I have no problems with the random rolls in the hay just for kicks. It's believable. People do it all the time. Sex doesn't have to equal love, but right now, most of the couples who are canoodling are kinds of sketchy. Adrienne is having an affair. J.J. went from fighting with his girlfriend's mother about the sexy they had to bedding her daughter. Abigail and Ben. Well, they're free to be just a touch on the boring side, which is sad for two such attractive people. So, of all the sex that was had, none of it was grand soap sex -- the epic kind we cheer for after two lovelorn characters finally get together after all the time and drama that's kept them apart. If we had at least one of these couples to root for, it would make the rest go down easier. LINE OF THE WEEK Kristen: "You know when it comes to the Salem P.D. we are protected -- by the enormity of their stupidity."

EXCHANGE OF THE WEEK Theresa: "Everyone hates me!" Anne: "Well, yeah, but why are you crying?" Theresa: "Because I just said, everyone hates me." Anne: "Yeah, but this is not exactly new information."

RANDOM THOUGHTS There totally needs to be a list of things not to ask Victor about. Number one, Nicole. Number two, everyone else in Salem not related to him. I kid, I kid. I love when Victor goes off. Keep talking, Dr. Dan. You deserve the snark.

Ah, Ben. He's changing his last name to Weston. I'm glad Jordan isn't here for that gem as it's kind of a slap in the face to that lifetime she spent on the run to protect Ben from Papa Clyde, who's not just a good ol' boy.

Ciara was trying to auction Chase's new prized possession -- a bat signed by Paul. Hope kind of laughed it off. Yeah, that won't be so cute when she's selling a baby on the Black Market. Just saying.

Speaking of sold babies, I hope Belle comes back to meet bro, Paul. Martha Madison needs to be reached out to pronto (years later, I still miss seeing her on a daily basis)!

While Kate has an eye for fashion (loved that purple dress), Xander may need to work on his gifts. Maybe he should pull a Melanie and have a parent shop for him. Then again, I wonder if he'll get Will a Hawaiian print cardigan.

Of course Victor has a brother named Titus. Methinks there has to be a sister Athena in there, too, somewhere.

I don't know about you guys, but I need a Rory fix. Kevin Riggin is sorely missed.

Maybe Eve should start paying tuition. She's on campus more than Paige.

I'm mad at Hope for bringing up the Tulip Festival! She knows tickets were sold out before I could get one and that it's now a sore subject.

Aww. Clint and Mandrake are sort of like Kristen's Bart and Dr. Rolf, minus most of the zaniness.

Nicole began an explanation with, "It will only take a minute." Really? Does it ever only take a minute. In my experience, the only things that take a minute or less in Salem are Abe, Kayla, and/or Roman scenes. Yeah, I brought that gun to a knife fight.

Another Kristen gem to Mandrake, "Don't take this personally, but you really are a moron, aren't you?"

With a mischievous glimmer in his eyes, Xander proclaimed, "I like trouble." In completely unrelated news, I'm changing my name to Trouble.

Adrienne seems to have a lot of downtime. She reads and lounges...in a mansion. No jealousy here, nope.

Dr. Dan said, "One of Victor's islands." Yes, "one of." Nope. No jealousy here, either.

I'll leave you with another awesome Victor zinger. This one was to Kate when she said that Clyde was running late for their date. He replied, "Those tractors do break down."

PARTING THOUGHTS So, friends and fellow DAYS fans, that's Two Scoops for the week of April 20! Is everyone excited about the big event -- Kristen's return! And the start of May Sweeps. Oh, and the Emmys, too. Tweet and tell us! In the meantime, Laurisa will be back next week in awards wear with a giant DAYS foam finger! And "That's a fact!"

As always, thanks for reading! Tony

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