I wanna rock

Just when I thought there was no way to get me to pay attention to any more talk of elephants, DAYS introduced me to Xander. If Nicole doesn't go to dinner with him, I may never forgive her. Find out why she should say yes in this week's Two Scoops.

Let the record show that if a storyline is failing, a man with an accent can work wonders. Well, maybe not every man with an accent (Hi, Clyde!), but it's still worth a shot.

And last week, we got Xander, who's some big-time crime boss who's sick of Serena (word!) and ready to get his diamonds back. His arrival could be good if played right. I have to wonder if he's linked to the investigation that's kept Bo away from Salem all this time. Or perhaps he's associated with the still-unsolved mystery of Alice's secret bank account -- the one that Doug and Julie went to Africa to investigate and never got answers.

Either way, Xander's presence gives this clunker of a storyline new life. That's good because it has to contend with the Sonny/Will/Paul saga, which won a well-deserved GLADD award for Outstanding Daily Drama!

And this week, Sonny and Paul each tried their best at making excuses for poor Will. Problem is, they were both wrong. I don't think Sonny rushed Will into marrying him. But I do think Will made a bad choice by getting married too young. And that's on Will. It's not up to Sonny to decide when Will is ready. That's the whole idea behind asking someone to marry you. This is not a formality. They can absolutely say no.

You know what else they can say no to? Hopping into the sack for sexy times with Paul the Wonder Ex. I can appreciate Paul's admission that he came on to Will, because he totally did. But Paul was being way too decent last week to take any responsibility for Will cheating on Will's husband.

So now the only question remaining is should Paul and Sonny give it another chance. To be honest, I've been so caught up in how much I don't want either of them with Will that I haven't paid much attention to whether or not Paul and Sonny would be good on their own. And right now, my problem is that the last thing Sonny needs is another project. And, well, Paul needs a bit of work.

I know some people read Paul's scene where he was shocked that Sonny wasn't after Paul's money and fame as a grand display of Paul's ego. But I didn't get a single ounce of ego from Paul at all. I actually got the opposite. Of course Paul thinks people have only liked him because of what he was, rather than who he is. That's because he's spent every second of his life, up to a few weeks ago, living a lie. He creative a narrative around himself and other people responded to it. Eventually, that narrative became Paul's reality. So, Paul's assumption that Sonny was a gold-digger had absolutely nothing to do with Sonny and 100 percent to do with how Paul sees himself.

Because, really, we all know Sonny Kiriakis isn't a gold-digger. I mean, unless you use the term literally, because I would completely believe that Sonny spent a summer hiking through the Rocky Mountains and digging for gold in the hills as part of some grand excursion where he retraced Lewis and Clark's path west. But the idea that Sonny needs someone else's money? Nope.

Besides, the Kiriakis who has to worry about gold-diggers is Brady. At least, that's how he and Theresa started. But darn it if the little minx didn't legitimately fall for him. I had to laugh when she told Clint to his face that she needed to check on her ex. If he had real feelings, I'm sure he would have been offended. But alas, he left so Theresa could spar again with Melanie. And that made me happy.

As much as I can't get behind Brady and Melanie, I really enjoy Theresa and Melanie. There's something about how deliciously annoyed with, yet can't help but be curious about, the other that makes them fun frenemies. Plus, Melanie's nosiness works a lot better when I know it's put toward a good cause, like getting Kristen back in Salem!

Mel saw Clint with two vials of blood in his backpack, and since Mel's a former schemer herself, his explanation of how he's a vet didn't land anywhere near the vicinity of believable. But what does Kristen want with their blood? What test is she trying to fake? And how long before Mel realizes that Victor needs to be brought in on this?

And when this is all over, I don't see Brady ending up with either of these gals. But I hope that they keep in each other's orbit. I mean, look how great Kate and Sami finally ended up! I say let Chad or J.J. play the Brady role and keep these two intertwined.

Of course, we'll have to wait a bit for J.J. because he's busy with another Donovan gal. I have a sinking feeling that we're going to have to wait for Paige and J.J. to do the deed before the truth about Eve comes out. That seems like soap 101, but I'm a bit over this one.

Look, this storyline had its chances to be good. Eve could have planned to seduce J.J. all along. Or the two could have actually developed feelings for each other. Or Roxanne could have planted her fabulous self in Salem. Or Jennifer could have used her blackmail chip to usher in a whole new storyline by forcing Eve to cough up the name of Paige's father. Or Eve could have learned from her experience with Marybeth that teenagers are not good scheming partners.

But none of those things happened. So now, the entire climax of this whole storyline will be Paige's reaction to the news. And that's a huge, massive problem for DAYS, considering that the last time the audience was dying for an affair to be revealed, it was when Sami blew up the world to pay back E.J. Before that, it was the video at Brady and Kristen's wedding. That's our expectation now. And there's just a wee bit of a difference between them and Paige.

In fact, I'm so disenchanted with The Greatest Love of All that I find myself being reluctantly interested to see how Daniel handles this whole thing. In this particular situation, he's not just living in a glass house. He's living in a glass house, driving a glass car, and working in a glass office. Because we all know that Dirty Dan (his alter-ego before the current Do-Good Dan) started a flirtation with Chelsea, then slept with grandma Kate, and then went back to Chelsea. So, yeah, he knows exactly what J.J.'s going through.

I am glad that someone finally told Jennifer that she didn't think this thing through. But what I can't figure out is if Daniel knows that Jen blackmailed Eve to get her to back off. Because that's where Jennifer really went wrong.

Also, I've been a pretty big Daniel and Melanie defender over the years. But the point was not lost on me when they had back-to-back scenes where they tried to justify getting into someone else's business -- he to Jennifer about J.J. and she to Maxine about Theresa. Maybe try getting a hobby or joining a club, you two. LOOSE ENDS Chad was shocked to learn that Ben hadn't read Jack's book. (In Ben's defense, I don't know that he can actually read.) So, Chad quoted Jack's book to Abigail while she totally decided not to move in with Ben swooned. Okay, I'm ready to concede that Abigail should be with Chad. I'm just not so sure Chad should be with Abigail.

So, let me get this straight: Marlena reads Nicole's personal laptop over her shoulder then proceeds to give Nicole a lecture about minding her own business. Pretty sure Mar speeds down the highway to catch up with reckless drivers and warn them about their dangerous driving habits.

Hope needs to have her facts straight before she throws shade. Not all of Chad's other siblings are dead. Peter is still alive. (And, come on, we all know E.J. is too.)

But I did cheer when it took Hope all of about three seconds to see through Clyde's schtick. I think she'd be a very valuable asset to the Rafe/Victor Alliance for the Demise of Clyde right now. Go get him, Detective Fancy Face!

I appreciated Kate pointing out that she wasn't going to poison Chad. With her, that's something you need to clear up. And if she moves out of the mansion and into another never-seen-on-screen apartment, who's going to have breakfast with Chad? (That was rhetorical. We all know the line forms behind me.)

Eric lights up when he's around Nicole. I love seeing them play nice. Actually, it's just nice to see anyone who doesn't shoo Nicole away or slam a door in her face these days.

HOT

Let's just list the ways in which Xander won last week:

1. He's dreamy.
2. He's dripping with charm that would make anyone swoon. (Seriously, Nicole! You say yes to that dinner!)
3. He's the first person in ages to insist that Serena doesn't sneeze sunshine.
4. I finally have something else to focus on while all those other bozos rattle on about that damn elephant.

NOT Daniel and Nicole are that couple that you never want to hang out with because you have no idea where they stand in their relationship. And, really, neither do they. As a result, Nicole is so desperate for attention that she resorted to becoming a nag because, hey, even negative attention is still attention. (Malpractice and HIPAA laws, be damned!) And Daniel became a total drama queen who sleeps with her once a month and then acts like the Dowager Countess anytime Nicole brings up the subject of them dating in the daylight.

LINE OF THE WEEK Abigail: "I have to get that box into my car and I can't lift it and it will only take a second and you're really strong." J.J. (with just the right amount of fake exasperation): "I have a mind and soul too, you know!" I so like Abigail and J.J.'s sibling chemistry!

Too easy not to mention: Will (to Paul): "Why would Sonny want me if he could have you?" None of us know, Will. None of us.

RANDOM THOUGHTS You guys, do we really believe that Daniel has glitter glue lying around his house?

It is not necessary to sign your texts, Theresa.

I will listen to Serena prattle on about that elephant for a solid week if it means that I never, ever have to hear another word about that horrid shave date, and I mean that will all the sincerity I've ever had and will ever have in my life.

Ha! Daniel said Xander looked familiar.

Please, oh please, let this be true. That way, Melissa Archer can return as Sarah Horton -- the role in which she should have been cast in the first place.

Check out The Talk on Tuesday, March 31, to hear the official announcement of some of the Daytime Emmy nominees. #TimeForSweeneyToWin

Speaking of Emmy winners, the mega disappointing news broke this week that Kristen DiMera is only back for ten days. Really? Boo.

I don't know about you, but I always bake while wearing my peek-a-boo cleavage dress with rhinestones.

Finally, @Tony_S_Days and I would like to congratulate @DanJKroll on Soap Central's 20th anniversary. Treat yourself to the star-studded special edition of Kroll Call here. In true Dan fashion, I looked up the top song from this week 20 years ago. The Internet told me it was Madona's "Take a Bow." Nothing could be more appropriate. Take a bow for all of your hard work, Dan! (Psst -- We'll forget that the song is actually a breakup song for the sake of this metaphor, okay? ;) Thanks.)

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