When you're a Horton, you need a moment to explode

In this week's Two Scoops, it's time to crack the skulls of two knucklehead cousins -- who Alice and Tom (thankyouverymuch for not comparing yourself to him again, J.J.!) would surely send to timeout. And we welcome back the king troublemaker of them all!

You know how some families have such strong genes that you can just look at two people and instantly tell they're related? Well, for Will and J.J., the knucklehead gene is super dominant. It was unmistakable last week as the cousins continued to dish up delightful storylines, thanks to their utter lack of self-awareness. You two are clueless, but the results are good!

The first, and less egregious, offender of the two is J.J. He is not a bad guy at all. In fact, he's one of my favorites on the show! However, he needs to realize that saying you're responsible and taking responsibility are two very different things. J.J. hasn't done the latter. Just because Jen has now made it easier for J.J. to keep lying doesn't make it okay.

The truth is that J.J. didn't make just one mistake with Eve. He carried on a relationship with her for months. What's the saying? The first time, it's a mistake. The second time, it's a choice. Yes, Eve is a bag of crazy, but I have a hard time disagreeing with her on one thing. Anyone is better for Paige than J.J. Because "anyone" didn't cheat on Paige with her own mother. (I get that, why is it so hard for Jennifer to get that?)

Granted, Casey Moss is so good that I almost felt bad for J.J.'s lost, tortured soul. But just when Jen was starting to question whether she'd done the right thing by blackmailing her son's mistress, out of J.J.'s mouth came, "You're the one who gave me this chance. Don't tell me your backing away from it already." And, yup. That's the Horton cousin we know and love!

I say all of this, knowing that my real frustration with this storyline is that a perfectly juicy blackmail was wasted on J.J. and Paige. Come on, Jen. You're a soap vet! As you so deliciously stated, you had your foot on Eve's throat. And your grand wish was for McPouty and Snoozerella to have another dance at the ball?

Plus, J.J. hasn't quite connected the dots yet that his relationship with Paige wasn't all chocolate-covered potato chips if he could so easily fall into bed with someone else. So, save me the declarations about how you'll "never love again," Princess Buttercup. You're a second-semester freshman with a talent for playing the guitar. Oh, and you look like Casey Moss. You'll be fine. Get out there!

Or at least stop this pattern before it's too late and you turn into your cousin Will.

Poor Lucas. We need to get together and send that guy a fruit basket or something. Because once he asked Will what happened with Sonny, Lucas had to act like his son, his pride and joy, wasn't a total and complete asshat. It was undoubtedly some of Bryan Dattilo's most challenging work ever on the show.

You see, sometimes when people say, "I get it. This is my fault." what they really mean is, "I'm going to say something resembling accountability so that I won't seem like such a jerk when I say what I really think." And that's what Will has been doing from the beginning of this affair. Er...actually, his whole life.

Think about it. Aside from a few storylines during the Chandler Massey years, Will has always been a bit spoiled. He's the golden boy. Marlena and Kate dote on him. Sami and Lucas spent years at each other's throats because they wanted him. Heck, both of them got locked up for him -- Lucas for an extended amount of time! He had this army of powerful people like E.J., Victor, Rafe, and Justin around him to bail him out of situations that he got himself into. His boyfriend took in his kid and baby mama. Yet, nothing was ever his bad.

Except everything was.

No one made him shoot E.J. No one made him sleep with Gabi. No one made give up his rights to Arianna. No one made him sleep with Paul. There were not life-threatening situations surrounding any of those things.

His latest installment of Woe is Me: The Will Horton Saga was that Sonny was obsessed with marriage and just wanted any ol' fella to marry. Right. Because clearly in his quest to wed, Sonny passed on multiple solid guys to opt for the unemployed teen father who was dodging attempted murder charges. Makes total sense.

And now he went and blackmailed poor Ma Narita to get Paul out of Salem because Will thinks that Paul would just be too much of a distraction when Sonny comes home. (Okay, Will might not be off on that one. Paul is very distracting.) Anyway, this move will undoubtedly draw comparisons between Will and Sami. And while I can see that from a superficial standpoint, that's really like comparing a poser caramel-covered rice cake to a sublime Samoa Girl Scout cookie.

You know what Sami would have done? Well, for starters, she wouldn't have cheated just because a hot boy smiled at her. That move is way more Aunt Carrie's style. But more importantly, Sami would have had a scheme and a back-up plan to burn down her enemies if they got in her way. But Will had no plan when he slept with Paul. He doesn't know what Tori's hiding. He has no endgame. And that's the most unlike-Sami-quality possible. Sami didn't just "whoopsie" herself into a mess like Will did. She made the mess, expecting to get something out of it.

Is he the first guy to make a mistake? Absolutely not. Is he going around like Andre DiMera, murdering people for fun? Of course not. But the bottom line is that Will's a weak character whose most redeeming quality is the likability of the people who love him (See: Sonny and Lucas). That's a problem that the show needs to fix right away if not sooner, or cut their losses and plunge Will full-on into villain. Guy Wilson did kinda nail that sociopath vibe when Will showed up at Tori's door.

Not that Paul needs much help wining my fandom, but the more insufferable Will gets, the more I really, really want Paul to stay around. And I think I may get that wish because, you guys, Paul is soooooo John's son. In case you missed the not-so-elusive hints like John is suddenly a little league baseball coach, you surely didn't miss it when Tori hightailed it out of the Edge before John could make his way over to Paul's table. You may need to work on your subtly, Ma Narita.

To make it even more interesting, the photo proved that she's got ties to the DiMeras. I hope the show doesn't screw this up and give Stefano yet another out-of-the-woodwork kid. John's the way to go on this one.

And judging from Tori's adamant stance that Paul not to anything to break up a marriage, I'm guessing John was married when Paul was conceived, which I total buy. Since the whole John-is-Colleen-Brady's-kid thing was scrapped, we don't know anything about John's past before he was "the Pawn." And while I don't see him ever intentionally cheating on Marlena, there are some gaps in his brain that would more than explain why he slept with Tori when either married to Marlena, Isabella, or some other woman from the pre-Pawn days.

Then again, maybe Paul is Roman's son and Tori still thinks John is Roman. With Stefano involved, anything is possible!

Which brings me to the delight of all delights -- Stefano is back in town! I love the Victor/Kate vs. Stefano/Chad teams. I love that Kate and Chad brought up Madeline. I loved their matching blue suits. And I howled with delight when that chair turned around and Stefano was in it!

We'll get to her genius later, but I do have to throw the tiniest of penalty flags at Adrienne. Maybe it was just me, but it sorta, kinda seemed like she bragged to Justin about not going further after the kiss with Lucas. Yo, Adrienne, that kiss was still not okay! That's a bit like defiantly stating that you had ten Jager shots at the bar but passed on the cocaine because you knew you had to drive home. How, um, big of you?

Also, I'm going to need an actual answer from Justin as to whether or not he strayed with Queen Elsa.

Jordan made her final farewell around Salem, stopping at the club for a sweet dance with Rafe. But to be honest, I was a little bummed that she left without seeing Clyde get what's coming to him, or at least letting anyone know that Clyde raped her when she was a child.

There's a little plug on the bottom of the elephant statue that you pop off to determine if it has a secret compartment. Instead of quickly checking to see which statue was which, Serena stood there like an idiot, just staring at the two, made a complete guess, and then walked all the way across town again to check. The only good news is that this means the storyline is not about a piece of art. Something grand better be hidden in that secret compartment. (Like a plane ticket for Serena to leave Salem.)

I'm torn on whether Chad and Abigail should be together. Their softer moments are very delightful. But they just don't fight well. This couple is missing that explosive passion that could turn toxic at any minute. And that's a huge a problem when one of them is a DiMera.

My main complaint with the Brady/Mel pairing is that Melanie is way too immature for Brady. Last week's fight -- where Mel accused Brady of making her feel like a kid -- did nothing to change my position on this couple. To make it worse, I completely agreed with Brady! I don't know why it's so hard for Mel to understand why her boyfriend would be nervous about her drawing the ire of the woman who tried to kill his father. Luckily, this interview with Emmy Winner Eric Martsolf gives me hope that this storyline will move on soon!

HOT Oohhhhhhh

, can we talk about how delicious that slap was? Yes. Yes we can. Look, I don't condone violence in real life, but man, it felt so good to watch Adrienne slap Will. It was like she was doing it for all of us! It's not so much that she caused him physical pain. It's that for a brief, wonderful second, Adrienne made Will stop talking. And that means that Adrienne wins everything.

NOT I'm completely over Maxine's attitude toward Nicole. I get that she's a Dannifer fan. But Daniel wants to be around Nicole. Heck, even Jennifer is nice to Nicole, and Nicole framed Jen for baby murder! Maxine's trademark sass used to be one of my favorites. But now she just sounds like a bitter busybody. And Maxine is better than that.

LINE OF THE WEEK: Adrienne (totally mocking him): "Oh well, did you have any idea that you were married, Will?" Yaaaaassss, Adrienne. Right here! Up top!

LOOSE ENDS Looking at Lauren and Chrishell with their matching wavy hair, I was bummed all over again that Chrishell wasn't a Cassie recast.

When this is all over, someone needs to take Will to task for sleeping with his subjects. Who does he think he is? Catherine Tramell?

It was super weird to see Daniel in a tie.

I feel like Rafe and Melanie need to run into each other just so Rafe can say, "Hey, say hi to your mom for me. I still think so much of her since she fished me out of that water."

Abigail's work wardrobe has gotten much better.

Look, Nicole, if your new vow is not to lie, start with not lying about lunch. You must always tell the truth when it comes to snacks.

In Clyde-gets-even-worse news, he's now interrupting Harold. That guy's gig is hard enough without you, Clyde!

I still think they missed the mark by not naming the attorney Justin's been spending so much time with "Alexis."

First Chloe, now maybe Bo. What other divas would you like to see back for the 50th?

Check out this great interview with the beautifully talented Kassie DePaiva. Turns out she's just as confused by Eve as we are!

Nicole's graduated from constant apologies to declaring "You won't be sorry!" when people interact with her now. That's...progress?

Stefano sitting by a fire while gleefully directing opera will never not make me smile.

And with that, I'll turn it over to that lucky devil @Tony_S_Days to cover what I'm sure will be an exciting DiMera board meeting. Because, come on, Stefano and Kate are both ticked off and in the same room. There has to be good stuff ahead.

What are your thoughts on ? What did you think of this week's Two Scoops? We want to hear from you -- so drop your comments in the Comments section below, tweet about it on Twitter, share it on Facebook, or chat about it on our Message Boards.