It's the hard knock life for us (DAYS fans)

There's a redhead, a rich daddy, and a drunken know-it-all on stage to entertain us. Find out which one of them is worth our time in this week's Two Scoops.

Let's start with a basic truth about DAYS. You know it. I know it. We all know it -- that bird picture is effing scary.

Only a complete and utter whack job would want that thing hanging in the same place where they sleep. Luckily, Serena is just that whack job. And, oh, I can't wait for Nicole to get the goods on her. Forget Daniel and his sanctimonious relationship ultimatums. (Seriously, Nicole, I beg you!) Forget about Eric for the moment. It's Serena who needs Nicole's full attention.

You see, Serena seems to have hailed from the same factory from where we got Madison James. This factory specializes is saddling amazing soap actress with characters with no backstory, thrust way too fast into everyone's good graces, save for the one character immediately assigned as their enemy.

She can't possibly be serious with that "you don't apologize" noise. That's all Nicole has done for the last six months! Serena would know that if she got the slightest chance to develop instead of forcing a narrative upon the audience, but that's not part of the operating systems for these models.

Still, Nicole has one huge advantage over her: Nicole is out of secrets. But Serena is on a mission that involves half-naked pictures of Eric in Africa. So I urge you, Nicole, please take Sketchy McQuestionable's intel on Serena, and let's make this storyline into something!

(Side thought - if someone is able to break into your hotel on your first day in town, perhaps you find different logging for yourself and your envelope of secrets?)

Speaking of storylines that have become something, I present to you The Poplar Bluff crew!

Ha, gottcha! I'm such a kidder. Nope, they're still taking up days of screen time while John and Marlena got a scene together and Kayla was MIA. It's truly maddening. But, since this is the Internet and I will need to document it for DAYS trivia purposes, here goes.

Last week we learned that when Jordan was a teenager, Mama Westin made Jordan drive her to the doctor. Of course since this was circa 2003 in Assbend, Missouri, the only car the Westins had was a stick-shift, which Jordan did not know how to drive. Thus, teenage Jordan was behind the wheel when a car accident killed Mama Westin. Oh yah, and Mama Westin was pregnant. So Clyde blamed Jordan for the deaths, even insisted that Jordan did it on purpose because she didn't like that Mama Westin was going to have another son with Clyde.

There are multiple things wrong with this story, starting with the truth that Jordan loves her half-brother and ending with the fact that vehicular manslaughter is probably the least easy way for a kid to intentionally rebel against her step-father. But I digress. Back to Clyde.

To teach her a lesson, Clyde raped Jordan after the accident. But it's okay now because Clyde is a complicated man who's trying to make up for his past mis...nope, I can't. Sorry. Clyde is a terrible man. And, from what Ben's said, Clyde was an all around a-hole even before the accident. I have yet to hear anything believable come out of that man's mouth. I'm pretty sure he meets up with Louis Canning from The Good Wife to compare notes on how to be a perfect specimen of social scum.

It's time for Clyde to go back up that Ozark mountain from which he came. And he needs to get moving before he drags our vets down with him.

I've talked repeatedly about what a misstep it is to have Kate play second fiddle to this fool. The fact that Kate is embarrassing herself with Clyde while Roman is still single is a tragedy for which I may never forgive DAYS. But then DAYS went and had Clyde threaten my beloved Victor and things got interesting.

Look, there are a myriad of reasons why it's preposterous that Clyde is suddenly on Victor's level. But I'm choosing to think of this as a good thing. One surefire way to end your winning streak in Salem is to make an enemy out of Victor Kiriakis. Throw in the fact that Clyde smarmed off to Rafe earlier in the day, and I'm feeling pretty good about Clyde's opponents. Clyde's kidding himself if he doesn't still think Rafe has friends in law enforcement who will do him favors.

And I'm sure we'll see more of them as they stop by Rafe's new club! That's right, the ex-cop/FBI agent is now the manager of Salem's newest watering hole. This is actually quite a common career path. (See: Mac Scorpio) While I'm on the fence about whether or not we need a new club in Salem, I will forgive all if Rafe decides to have live music at the new place and we get to hear the talents of Kassie DePaiva, Casey Moss, Bill and Susan Hayes, Jen Lilley, and more.

Plus, the new club puts Rafe in direct competition with Chad, a character who is proving himself a worthy opponent. He called Kate out on her shenanigans immediately. And he continued his tour of win by shutting Abigail's venom about leading Jordan on about the donation. He's not as powerful as Stefano or as charismatic as E.J. But so far, he's not suffered any fools. I like that.

Speaking of fools, I'm more than a little concerned that Melanie and Brady think they can date. I mean, I like them both. I really do. But arguably more than anyone else on the show, Brady's relationships end in spectacular disasters. His best break-up was probably with Chloe, which involved him being taken from his bed in the middle of the night by masked men. Melanie is not near mature enough to handle the catastrophes that come with a Brady breakup. This is the same chick who fled the country because her fianc lied to her.

Plus, I'm just not on board with the crucifixion of Mel's character. From mouthing off to Eve like Mel didn't run her own set of schemes, to asking daddy to update her phone because the former owner of Premier Party Girl blog is suddenly not tech savvy, I just. Don't. Want. Any. Of. It. Melanie is a strong character, whose tenacity has been both her downfall and her greatest attribute. This weakling is unrecognizable. Then again, many formerly strong women on DAYS suffer from the same ailment right now. (Hi, Kate and Nicole!)

And since they've regressed Mel's character so far, Brady has to go even further to make their age gap not seem like an issue. Thus, DAYS started styling Emmy-Winning Actor Eric Martsolf like Timmy Martin from Lassie and having Brady worry about what Mel's daddy is going to think of him. I should point out that just a few weeks ago, her daddy was in bed with Brady's ex-fianc.

Thank goodness for Maggie! You and me, Mags! You were my spirit animal last week. I almost stood and applauded when she said, "Stop, stop. My head hurts. Yours must hurt too!" Ugh. Watching Theresa mistakenly hit on Eric was less uncomfortable than watching Brady ask Mel to the Homecoming dance.

Heck even Paige and J.J., the one couple who actually are children, made more sense than Brady and Mel did last week! I know. I know. I've been tough on Paige in the past. And while I stand firm on her wardrobe misfires, I finally saw a glimmer of hope for the character when Paige stood there and demanded to know with whom J.J. cheated.

Was she kind of a raging loon? Sure. But when you've been hurt like that, somehow you convince yourself that having more information will mean that you can make sense of things. And since there's never any easy explanation for "why", you ask "who" because at least there's an answer for that. When the truth comes out, I don't know whether she'll forgive (boring) or slip into a psychotic Kristen-esque meltdown (yes, please!) but for a second, Paige was interesting.

My sympathy grew even more for her when Eve tried to comfort a crying Paige. I really do want to like Eve, mainly because of Kassie DePaiva, but man, that Eve is kinda horrid. She and J.J. spend all of their time either sleeping together or arguing about their mutually agreed upon decision that no one can know they are sleeping together.

I think the show missed the mark by not having Eve orchestrate the whole affair. Eve loves to scheme like Nicole loves martinis and hates Jennifer like Ben hates big words. (They scare him.) It's hard to believe that a mom who loves her kid so much could be that vicious to her kid. Heck, even Kate would look and Eve and think, "Guuurrlll, you're taking that protecting your kid thing a bit too far!" And while we're on the topic of confusing characters who take things too far, let's discuss Will. Is it just me or does he seem a little, well, not at all remorseful for cheating on his husband? He even told Sonny to his face that his story had taken a "really good turn." Sure, he's pretty much always been a selfish brat. But I honestly thought he was committed to Sonny.

To top it off, Will met with Paul again to urge him to come out. Since Will clearly has no morals at the moment, it seems as though this was all 100% for the sake of the article -- which is just plain gross. Guys, at this point I don't think Will should be allowed to drive. He might encounter a stop sign and decide that he probably knows best and drive right through it.

LOOSE ENDS Rafe's pity party about how there's nothing left for him in Salem was a little ridiculous considering his sister and niece are there, not to mention his mom and all those other relatives over in West Salem. But luckily Marlena convinced him to say and rock the hell out of a suit and Titan pin. See what happens when you use your powers for good, Marlena? Everybody wins!

Aiden lost his cool with Hope. He apologized right away for it; but man, I really hope that Aiden doesn't turn out to be a crazy pants. When Hope decides that she loves someone, I want it to mean something.

Good on Sonny for telling Paul that he should give his family some credit. I don't know if that's true, but I like that Sonny is the type of dude who operates that way.

Abe offered John Rafe's job at the Salem PD. If this means that John and Hope get to be partners, I'm all for it. Bringing Marlena into the mix to psychologically profile perps from time to time wouldn't be the worst thing either. I like Marlena in her professional setting.

I hadn't thought about it before they met, but Rafe and Theresa could be interesting. Theresa is very much like Sami -- minus the presence of the clear, obvious soul mate that isn't Rafe.

DAYS is hinting at a Lucas and Adrienne hook up. I like the idea of Lucas having a love life. And Adrienne is more bearable with Lucas than she's been in the entire course of the last year. (Referring to herself as "Grandma A" is adorable!) But the problem is that DAYS is going back to the "dad-picks-career-over-family" well again to make it happen. You'd think after doing it to both Steve and Bo, DAYS would find some other way to handle this situation. Boo.

Jennifer asked Daniel if he'd talk to J.J. about the dangers of being a man-whore. Gotta say, that's a pretty solid call, Jen. Well done.

HOT I want ladies night with Theresa and Anne to become a regular thing. From Theresa mistakenly hitting on Eric to Anne's inability to get out of Rafe's way without touching him at least seven times, they were a much needed comic relief. I would be ecstatically happy to spend my days watching movies with Hope and Jen and my nights going to clubs with Anne and Theresa.

NOT It's bad enough that the outdoor couches from the Horton Square are now indoors at Salem University. But now we lost both the DiMera and Kiriakis living rooms too? What the heck was the room where Brady and Melanie were standing? And did we really need that new club set when Chez Rouge hasn't been seen in years? The answer is no. No, we did not. Rafe could just as easily have managed that place.

LINE OF THE WEEK Eric: "You looked upset." Theresa: "Oh, I always look that way when I work."

RANDOM THOUGHTS Can Kate hire Eve to run Countess Wilhelmina? Eve needs a job and they both need people their own size to play with.

Everybody needs a friend like Sally. "Who's the queen?"

Meredith Scott Lynn nailed the look when Abigail said, "Anne is right."

If Kate ever compares Clyde Weston to Tom Horton ever again, I will burn all of my leopard print clothing and throw out all of my necklaces. I mean it, Katie!

I like that John calls Abe "Abraham"

I wonder if Rafe ever moved out of that handicap accessible apartment and back into his loft?

I know that the hospital has a revolving door of board members, but I can't figure out why Kate has a seat on the board if Chad has the DiMera seat.

Guess there was a sale on pink coats in Salem -- Maggie got the fur and Eve the leather.

Ari's bunny slippers were adorable.

If Kate hates Jordan so much, why doesn't she just stop paying her salary? That is how Kate got Kayla to give Jordan a job, right?

Way to go Victor! I like a fella who can rock a pocket square.

For the record, I would come to wine club, Jen!

That's it for this week. @Tony_S_Days will be back next week to hold Serena down for Nicole referee Serena and Nicole. Eric's going to really need some holy intervention to deal with those two!

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