Boum, boum, boum

Birds do it. Bees do it. And everyone in Salem seems to be doing it, too. Let's put on some protection and talk about sex (and babies) in this week's Two Scoops!

I'm pretty proud of myself today. I finally figured out a missing piece to our Salem puzzle. And it puts a lot of things into perspective. Am I the next Sherlock Holmes, Dick Tracy, and the old lady from Murder She Wrote all rolled up into one? Maybe. Just maybe.

You see, with Brady and Theresa's recent pregnancy scare thanks to their lack of preparedness (oh, and Kristen stealing the embryo. That, too), it got me to thinking, "Have Salemites heard of safe sex?" I pondered that, and thanks to Anne, the answer slapped me in the face. No. No, they haven't. And here's why...

We've seen how hard Salemites work. Okay, some do, like Dr. Dan and Maxine. Hope's at her desk a lot. Anne roams the hospital lobbies. Ben is normally at the club, though he's always on a coffee break. And, ah-ha! There it is. Coffee breaks, canceled classes, and chatting in the square or lobbies. Salemites haven't heard of safe sex because their teacher was probably on a break or canceled class that day. So, can you really blame any of these knuckleheads for not using birth control? I think not.

Conversely, if anyone wants to volunteer to teach a Sex Ed class in Salem, there's an opening. Please submit your applications to Anne Milbauer, care of University Hospital. She'll get back to you...when she can. Anyway...

With all the Salemites sliding into the sheets lately, it was a first time for lovebirds Hope and Aiden. I'll be frank. The lead-up love story and their afterglow was much more appealing than their actual lovemaking.

I've been rooting for this couple for a while now. I enjoy their chemistry. I adore that Hope has someone in her life that makes her happy. And I like that they had such an open and honest conversation about Aiden's past beforehand (that needed to happen). They also talked about their hesitations of sleeping with someone, since it's been a while for both of them. Also, a nice touch.

But then came the touching and kissing and, well, I was underwhelmed. It should have been simple, sweet, passionate, and, perhaps, even a little awkward. Instead, it was a little too much Pearl Harbor parachute sex scene meets Mike and Carrie's cosmos floating bed bonanza for my viewing pleasure. It all kind of reminded me of a perfume commercial. So, going forward, I suggest Hope and Aiden make love (off-camera) and save the witty banter and deep conversations for when they're on. Or simply dial down the special effects. Deal, writers?

To backtrack, Aiden finally confessed to his past with his late wife, Meredith. They fought viciously but stayed together for the kid. You know, because that is always a healthy idea for all involved. I digress. Aiden saw his wife commit suicide in front of him after a fight and afterwards got the stank-eye from everyone in Portland who believed he killed his wife. Eventually he moved away, stole Salem's sweetheart's heart, and the rest is history. Or is it? Methinks there's more to this story. Something dark and twisted, perhaps. Hmm...

Aiden wasn't the only one sharing news last week. Theresa had some to deliver to Brady. She told him about the baby. His initial reaction? He laughed. I kind of did, too. He thought she was lying. Go figure. Then he requested a test, and they went to Kayla. Um, yes. Anything to get Dr. Brady-Johnson on my screen is okay with me. And she confirmed Theresa wasn't pregnant. Shocking for them, not-so-shocking for us (thanks to Kristen's shocker a few weeks back).

Now, I'm no medical expert, but wouldn't some traces of her recent pregnancy be lingering in her bloodstream? Like elevated levels of something or other that could indicate she was pregnant. Just saying. Then again, I skipped class to get coffee that day, so I'm a little behind in my online soap medical degree.

In any case, I think things are all working out well. Brady and Dr. Dan had a hysterical reconciliation. Sober, straight-thinking Brady is superb. Theresa got her comeuppance, of sorts. John gets a European vacation. And in several months, this storyline will blow up again thanks to a little bundle of crazy and the baby she stole from her enemies. A Kiriakis/Black/Donovan/Brady baby carried and raised by a DiMera? Um, okay! That is certainly something to look forward to.

And since the topic de jour is sex, let's talk about the continued fallout of Eve and J.J. Hitting the Sheets Tour 2014. She doesn't think it's a good idea that he keeps dating Paige. You think, Eve!?

Still, I don't mind this storyline. Casey Moss and Kassie DePaiva are kind of a hot mess together, emphasis on the "hot." I don't see them as a long-term thing, but J.J. and Eve are an interesting storyline compared to the snoozefest of J.J. and Paige with special guest star Marybeth and all her judgments. Then again, I went to the school of Melrose Place, which pretty much taught me that any two attractive characters can sleep together, and it doesn't have to make sense as long as it's entertaining. The fallout from this tryst will have long-lasting effects, so I'm in. Plus, Jennifer can teach Paige a bit about forgiveness when it comes to your man sleeping with your mother. Ew!

Lastly and on the topic of "Ew!," I could never hear Eve suggest to Paige that she stops playing "Who's in the bedroom with mother?" again and be totally and utterly happy. I don't know what's more uncomfortable, their talks about Eve's love life (READ: mama's one-night, drunken stand) or Paige's obsession with finding out who the man was. You know what I want to know about my parents' sex life? Nothing. Nothing at all. As far as I'm concerned, my parents sent a telegraph to a stork, and nine months later I was dropped off on their doorstep with a bar code and return label in case I was the wrong size and model. LOOSE ENDS: I'm worried about Abigail's stress level. Now that she's gotten her job back and will be taking on Jennifer's responsibilities while she's away, how is she going to do it? She may not have time to get everything done, and by "everything," I mean taking her breaks, Jennifer's breaks, her lunch hour, Jennifer's lunch hour, her afternoon off, and Jennifer's time off. Thank God Dr. Aunt Kayla took the stress of re-filling out paperwork off her plate.

Speaking of Abigail, she has her hands full with Ben. Mind out of the gutter, people! I mean, she's worried that Ben is too much of a barbarian with a hair-trigger temper. Sure, he does have that, but I also think the dimwitted hunk is right -- Abigail was being suckered by Chad. She's a fool to believe he'll let those two live happily ever after. I'm Team Ben on this one.

Chad may be scheming, but he's definitely keeping busy while doing so. He had time to trade jabs with Kate, kissy face with Jordan, and work on plans for the new Southside club. First and most importantly, I hope this club doesn't have such harsh lighting and isn't as much of a coffee shop. Second, let's hope that Eve gets better and gets to sing there. Third, I wish I liked them more, but Chad and Jordan are as about as exciting as an eye exam. #notfeelingit

HOT Just when one thinks Eric Martsolf is done impressing us with his talents, he goes and pulls out Brady 3.0. I like this straightforward, sober version. It's fantastic! It's kind of an early Christmas present to those of us who always wondered what would happen if one of our strong leading male characters pulled his head out of his, err, hourglass and wised up. Well, Brady 3.0 seems to fit just perfectly. More, please!

NOT Seriously, writers. The one and only Stefano DiMera doesn't know where Sami and his grandchildren are hiding? Most of Salem knows including Chad, the DiMera house staff, probably most of the board as Sami had to resign...but, nope. Stefano couldn't crack this caper? Weak sauce. #dontdumbdownthephoenix LINE OF THE WEEK Anne (to Theresa): "Yes, and I think he's [Brady] going to be thrilled to pieces, right, as any guy would be to get the amazing news that an irresponsible alcoholic chick who he has no commitment to in any way, shape, or form is carrying his child."

RANDOM THOUGHTS I love "Work Ethics According to Anne!" Here are some highlights of her book coming this holiday season. It's not okay to be late for work, but it is okay for an employee to get drunk and/or high the night before. It's also totally okay for coworkers to hang out in the lobby and gossip talk, but, again, don't be late for work. So, pretty much as long as you're at work, it's okay not to do anything. I guess Jennifer is an exemplary employee, after all, Anne!

Speaking of work ethics, I love that Theresa can exclaim, "I'll get there when I can." I'm going to try that one someday. Unrelated side note, someone please save me a spot in the unemployment line.

I know Chad is a juicier option for the DiMera Family seat on the hospital board, but I would have enjoyed it if Abe got that honor as a placeholder/proxy for Theo until he turned legal age. That's my subtle way to say Abe needs more action.

J.J. has a money clip. Pimp.

OMG! Maggie is planning a big old family Thanksgiving celebration. Yes, yes, and yes! I hope we get to see this play out.

Paul has a 96 mile an hour fast ball but wants to play the violin. He should scratch both and work on his flirting tactics as boy is coming off a bit sleazy. I meant, strong.

I wonder what Abigail got Ben as a housewarming gift? Hopefully some anger management self-help books.

Though, I'm jealous of Paul! I want to hang out with Maxine and prank page Dr. Dan.

PARTING THOUGHTS So, friends and fellow DAYS fans, that's Two Scoops for the week of November 17! Laurisa will be back next week with more Sweepsy coverage, but in the meantime, be sure to check out our latest joint venture in honor of DAYS' 49th Anniversary. Click here for "49 Reasons to watch DAYS!" And, "That's a fact!"

What are your thoughts on ? What did you think of this week's Two Scoops? We want to hear from you -- so drop your comments in the Comments section below, tweet about it on Twitter, share it on Facebook, or chat about it on our Message Boards.