Past the point of no return

What the...? How'd she? Did they just...? These are all questions we'll try to answer in this week's Two Scoops. We can thank Kristen, Eve, J.J., and Jordan for this grand assortment of head-slapping revelations.

Somewhere in some posh Bollywood club, Vivian Alamain is doing a fist pump. You may remember when Auntie Viv stole Kate and Victor's fertilized embryo (we'll call him "Philip") and had it implanted in her. Well, Krissy-D one-upped Viv by literally stealing the embryo from inside Theresa and sashaying out of Salem with Brady's baby in tow. Good luck, tiny one. You're going to need it.

Is it far-fetched? Oh, yes. Yes, it is. But Kristen is a character who came about during the James E. Riley era of DAYS that saw devil possessions, so it does fit with her character. And, it's been well established that her fertility problems are her Achilles heel. Plus, in order to buy into the terror of the DiMeras, we have to believe that they have people on their payroll that can pull off this kind of stuff. (See also: From the Dead, Raising People) So in that case, sure, I'm in.

Up for grabs here is not so much Brady's kid, but the honor of being the mother of Brady's child. Soaps have a longstanding tradition with this thing. It's an immunity idol that allows most women (Stefano's baby mamas being the obvious exceptions) access to white-knight-style saving when they screw up. And no matter what Kristen does, that honor will go to Theresa because she is the biological mother.

But the problem is that it will take a bit for the tyke to get back to Salem. Shoot. If only the grandfathers of the missing Black/Donovan heir were some sort of super spies. Yes, that would be a not-so-subtle hint to team up John and Shane to bring the kid back. Brady needs a reason to forgive John, and hunting down the child Kristen stole just might do it. I'm serious, that would be an awesome storyline to see next summer.

Let's put that on the to-do list, and while those details are being worked out, I'll be happy to enjoy the delightfully new and improved Paige/J.J./Eve drama.

Honestly, I was on the fence about J.J. and Eve's tryst when it happened. Their bond over their mutual love of music is pretty flimsy. And this hook-up would have been about a zillion times more believable if it had happened right from the get-go with Eve seducing Jennifer's son before she found out the identity of this mysterious guy her daughter was dating. But there are a lot of good things to like about what the aftermath sets up. Let's discuss.

First, this should mercifully free J.J. from the vortex of suck that is Paige. I realize that Paige is innocent in the whole J.J./Eve thing. They were both completely selfish knuckleheads. But that doesn't mean that Paige didn't behave atrociously beforehand. (More on this later.) J.J. couldn't win with her when he's actually right. What's the hope of her forgiving him for something he legitimately did wrong?

Second, Casey Moss and Kassie DePaiva are two gems. More screentime for either one of them is always welcome. The fact that Kassie can totally kill in scenes such as the one where Eve couldn't sing along with the CD makes the storyline worthy. This move means that J.J. and Eve get to play out their respective guilt, while Paige is just the supporting character/place filler. Much better.

Third, hello, Kayla! She got not one but two heart-warming scenes this week -- one where she got to be fierce (she was sooooooo right on about Eve's beef being with Jennifer, not Jack or J.J.) and another where she got to be sincere (seriously, everyone needs an Aunt Kayla to go to in times of sleeping with your girlfriend's mom trouble.) Throw in the bonus scenes with Abigail and Chad, and I'm one happy Two Scooper.

Fourth, when she returns from caring for Laura, Saintly McJudgealot will thankfully be preoccupied with something not Daniel-related at all. Let the happy dancing begin!

And while we're cutting a rug of rejoice, let's keep that stepping going for Chad. Granted, Ben doesn't exactly seem to be bringing it in the brains department, but man, that Chad is smooth. Chad knows a little something about losing one's cool and punching your gal's ex (right, Nick?). And he knew exactly what buttons to push.

But what's more impressive is how he covered it up. I don't believe for a second that Chad was thinking of Ben nor that he was going to suggest other places for Ben to live. Because he sure managed to get out an insult that Ben didn't have a place to bed fair Abigail. But Abigail, Rafe, Jordan, and Sonny don't know that. All they saw was Ben punch his boss in the face.

I can't figure out if Chad is actually in love with Abigail or if he just wants to punish her for playing the moral high ground card with him and then sleeping with his brother weeks later. Either way, between Ben's short fuse and Abigail's stupidity (Ben's right, Abs. You can be a bit of a sucker.), I don't see much getting in the way of Chad accomplishing his mission.

LOOSE ENDS I guess it was nice that Nicole was there to help Daniel navigate the fallout of his bad decision. But Nicole is just a wee bit too fabulous to be backburned to Daniel's cheerleader. And I really had a problem with the fact that Nicole reinforced the idea that Danifer's breakup was the deciding factor in Daniel's decision to jump in bed with Kristen. Call me crazy, but there may have been a few other "non-Jennifer," more "crazy-lady-who-assaults-priests" reasons for Daniel to stay away.

Paul Daurita(?), famous French(?)-speaking baseball player, arrived in town to get rotator cuff surgery. He came on a bit too strong in the "bro" category. It made me wonder if his stay in town for surgery and rehab might just help Sonny not be so lonely while Will is in L.A.

I didn't mind Abigail standing up for her brother. But I did have a problem with her actually saying, "I'm telling my mother." Oh, shhhhh...look out, Eve. There's a timeout and no dessert coming your way!

Jordan showed up in Clyde's room, pulled his own gun on him when he woke up, and accused him of rape (for the record, she didn't say of whom), which was hands-down the most soapy thing she's done in all her time on the show. In fact, this whole scene may have been when they finally figured out what to do with Jordan. It was kind of fabulous! Problem was, it should have happened a year ago.

Points to Eric for not jumping to John's defense right away. After all, that's what Marlena is for! Look, John was right in picking Theresa over Kristen. But even a right choice can have hard consequences. Brady's right to be ticked at dear old dad for this one.

I'd have a problem with Daniel hanging out with Jen's kids if he was doing it out of some malicious attempt to hurt Jen. But Daniel's been able to separate the two, as has J.J. So I hope that J.J. and Daniel can work this out.

Thanks to Bree Jaden (? -- I had trouble catching people's names last week!), we learned that Aiden used to live in Portland, and she knew Adien's wife, Meredith. Hmm....Meredith? How awesome would it be if Aiden's ex was the same Meredith who knocked Rafe out for (possibly) killing her sister, Emily? Have Aiden and Rafe run into each other yet? Could they share a connection, since they were both involved with sisters?

HOT It's so hard to say goodbye to the fabulous Eileen Davidson. So, I refuse to do so. Nope. I just can't. Instead I'm going with, "Thank you."

Thank you for loving Kristen as much as I do. Thank you for making Kristen so stark raving mad that she's never once been boring. Thank you for crafting a character that can actually use "I didn't plan this!" as a legit defense. Thank you for injecting just enough humanity into Kristen that we can see her snap and fear the hell out of what she'll do next. Thank you for playing Kristen's ager at herself just as fiercely as her anger toward other characters. And, if I'm not getting too far ahead of myself, thank you for coming back soon.

NOT She's super nice to spend her free time picking up trash in the Horton Town Square, but outside of that, Paige is kind of a terrible person. Maybe Rory was right, and she's just lacking some life smarts, but she behaved like an abominable hosebeast when she threw Kayla's secret in J.J.'s face and reprimanded him for not telling her sooner. Because, you know, the real injustice in Kayla's rape is that no one told Paige all of the specifics immediately.

LINE OF THE WEEK I know that she was in the wrong, but I'll take Marlena vs. Anne everyday if I get hilarious nuggets like these from Anne: (about John): "He had the IQ of a salad bar." (about Eric): "Maybe the God guy is right."

RANDOM THOUGHTS Just once in my life, I want to fling glassware across the room.

Why can't Ben live in either Arianna or Gabi's old room above the Brady Pub?

I think it's odd that we haven't seen any scenes with John and Jordan during all this miraculous rehab he's been doing.

Who's the DiMera lawyer now that E.J. is gone?

If Jen was so mad that Daniel gave J.J. a key to his apartment, what is she doing leaving him home alone for weeks?

For some reason, I feel like Kristen would have shown up in a more fashionable hospital gown. Maybe something with a leather accent.

I'm with you Eve. I'd yell at someone else who tried to drink my wine too.

Boo to no Dr. Rolf in Kristen's plan!

Does everyone on soaps own a fabulously fun robe?

With Sami gone, we do need someone to produce the next generation of Salem. So, you're up, Theresa!

The fact that Rory can call Paige out on being life stupid bodes well for their possible pairing, if the show wants to go there.

I loved that Sonny told Victor, "Tell me what you really think." That may be the only time Victor heard that. The fact that he holds back with Sonny shows how special their relationship is.

That sucks about Eve's potential nerve damage, but DAYS will have a bigger problem if I can't hear Kassie DePaiva sing! Someone refer Eve to one of the DiMera docs, please.

Kristen told her henchmen that time was of the essence, which makes me really wonder if anyone calls up a henchmen and says, "Hey, no rush on this one, but when you get a sec, can you head down to the docks and break a few kneecaps? You can wait and do it on your way back from Target. Whenever."

Happy anniversary, DAYS! To celebrate the occasion, @Tony_S_Days and I put together a grand list of 49 reasons to watch DAYS to help spread the word of your current state of amazing.

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