Who wants to marry Harry?

Sometimes it's scary to fall in love this fast. I've been burned before. And there's a good chance I'll regret this in a few weeks. But tell me I'm not the only one who kind of loves the new Chad! Check out this week's Two Scoops and then let me know if you agree with me or think I need an intervention.

It's the start of a new season. The leaves are changing, primetime shows are premiering, and Salem welcomed a shiny new DiMera. It's these times of the year when I get the urge to clean out the bad and usher in the new. Let's talk about how that would work, Salem-style.

First, gorgeous as she is, I think it's time to get rid of Paige. All she's managed do is turn J.J. into the Fred to her Daphne in the great Salem picture caper! Will those blasted kids manage to unmask the photographer? Oh, I can't wait!

And can we talk about that picture for a second? In what universe would Paige see that and actually think, "Oh, my gosh, J.J. totally decided to get undressed and nuzzle the chest of this fully clothed girl in the middle of the public park! And he was so mesmerized by her that he didn't even notice when this random third person came by to take this perfectly framed and unobstructed picture of them!" Come on. I may not like her, but the chick did get into Stanford. She's not that stupid.

But she isn't doing any favors for DAYS. Theresa is a much better anchor for Eve to Salem. And I think that the teen scene would be buckets better with J.J., Rory, Bev, and Marybeth. Yes, Marybeth is more than a little pushy with her opinions, but at least she gives J.J. a chance to show some of that passion and emotion that I miss oh so very much.

Next, I really can't get behind Kate and Clyde. It's not just because he misuses Casablanca quotes. (I could have chest-bumped Kate when she corrected him on that.) But it's because he's a walking Jerry-Jones-meets-Ted-Bundy caricature, and she's a woman who should not have to make up excuses to not date a dude. "No, I don't want to" should be enough.

And now this little weasel is supposed to take down E.J. Ugh. I have a terrible feeling that he'll succeed because E.J. is leaving the show soon. I don't want to get too far ahead of myself here, but the honor of taking down E.J. DiMera should not go to some insta-villain.

Who, then? Glad you asked. If I had my way, Anna DiMera would show up to exact her revenge on Stefano and E.J. at the same time by taking Stefano's prized son away from him. So, I pose this question to you all -- Anna or Clyde? Keep in mind the winner also gets to be in an alliance with Kate Ever-Lovin' Roberts!

Speaking of ladies who need something better to do, there's Nicole. It's not that I don't agree with everything my little martini said. Kristen really shouldn't get a walk on all the charges. But, Nicole seems to be missing the big point. Eric made this decision. And their whole problem was that Nicole couldn't let Eric make his own decision. Her heart has always been in the right place, but she still hasn't learned anything about letting him run his own life.

But enough about the bad stuff. Let's talk about the goods, and right now, that list starts with Chad DiMera.

I'm in. I love the new Chad. He's part Philip Kiriaikis, part Prince Harry, and part every character from Jersey Boys. I'm fascinated by how fast Billy Flynn picked up the DiMera Man mannerisms -- a charm and swagger masterfully crafted by Joe Mascolo, James Scott, and Thao Phenglis over the years.

As a matter of fact, all that's missing is a swoon-worthy accent. It took me a minute to put my finger on what was different. Chad basically says the same things and operates the same way as his father and brothers. But, something seems a little more aggressive and smarmy about Chad. But then I realized that he can't play the "I'm not condescending, I'm just English" card that E.J. can. (Revise to "Italian" and "Australian" for Stefano and Tony, respectively.)

He's a quick study at the School of Kristen, as he already has Abigail believing that he is a changed dude and even sticking up for him with Ben. While I appreciate his intolerance of the Horton Abigail's double standard when it comes to morality, I'm not too thrilled to see him target Abigail. Not only do I like Abigail and Ben together, but if forced into a position where she has to defend herself, I worry that the "E.J. seduced poor, innocent Abigail" narrative that everyone else has been trying to push upon her may look too tempting.

Besides, Chad's got much better ladies on his dance card.

First, there's Kate. Seeing as how I'm a little miffed at Miss Thang for breaking up the Kami alliance, I get a lot of satisfaction out of the fact that Chad is playing her so easily. At least, I'm pretty sure that's what he's doing. We can't tell which side he's on right now, and I sorta love that. Is he playing Kate, Stefano, or maybe both? I believe him when he says that he wants his piece of the DiMera empire. And why not? Those lined suit jackets are expensive. Club TBD can't be making Gucci money.

The next lady in the Chadosphere is Jordan. First, I love that Jordan told Rafe that she's not going to judge a man based on his family. Considering that 50 percent of the Hernandez sibling have seen hard jail time for capital crimes, I'm guessing Rafe agrees with this statement too. I don't know if Jordan and Chad will last, but her very presence meant we got to take his blue-eyed charm out for a spin. For that, Ms. Ridgeway, I say thank you!

The other option that I'm just totally making up here is Theresa. I know she's busy hoping John doesn't send her to prison now, but Theresa sure would be interesting in Chad's world. And if my pregnancy prediction doesn't come true, a deal with a DiMera -- specifically one whose adoptive father is the Salem D.A. -- is always an option for staying out of jail. Just throwing that out there.

On that note, let's talk some John Black. He's awake(ish) and talking. Daniel was worried that the drug was taking too long, but let's get real here. That's a scary brain to try to revive. John's memories have been scrambled so many times that he's basically that old laptop that growls when you power it up and takes no less than ten minutes to get online. I'm surprised it happened so quickly! I was worried that he'd stay sleeping until November, but I'm glad he's up and at 'em sooner for several reasons.

Once upon a time, John and Marlena were John and Marlena. They have years of history together and so many epic adventures. But they haven't been John and Marlena in a long time. A relationship can only coast on credit for so long. The show needs to deliver another John and Marlena moment if they want newer fans of the show to get on board with these two.

But outside of John (yes, I realize I lost you there, Marlena) a lot of other people are wrapped up in this storyline. Kristen and Daniel both know that Theresa was the one who hit John. And I do like me some smarmy Daniel. It will be fun to watch the two of them go after Theresa -- who really does deserve to be caught for this one, especially in light of the fact that no one ever found out about her giving Liam the key to Daniel's apartment. Plus, she's had multiple opportunities to tell Brady the truth and keeps chickening out.

Finally, I have to give a standing-O to the Ejami reunion. What I loved the most was that E.J. appreciated how fearless Sami is. It's what made her a worthy opponent and...

I adored that they spoke of their past with the immigration official, E.J. Wells and his racecar career, shandies, and tango competition. I was a little sad that we didn't get a flashback! Really, we can get that whack faux flashback of Jordan and Clyde, but we can't get one of Ejami on that pier?

The whole thing was so delightful. And, the cherry on the top was Marlena telling Sami that she's a grownup and can decide who she wants to be with. For as much grief as I give Marlena, I do love it when Sami and Marlena play nice.

LOOSE ENDS Kristen and Nicole had a delightful clash over Eric and Brady. Not gonna lie, it wouldn't take much for Nicole to get Brady back right now. The cerebral genius is single and on the market for his next bad decision. (Note -- If Nicole gets wind that the crazy lady and the good doctor have been sharing so much sexual tension time together, Nicole would have scolded Krissy for that too.)

So let me get this straight, Kate told Sami that Sami was nothing more than a slave to a very bad man while Kate was literally on her way out the door to have dinner with a man because she's scared he'll blackmail her. Got it.

The show is downplaying Will's connection to Chad. Sure, Will's mom is married to Chad's brother. But Will's daughter is named after Chad's daughter! And Will dated two of Chad's ex-girlfriends, including his baby mama. They're a little more than in-laws.

I get that Abigail is embarrassed, and seeing E.J. is just a reminder of her mistakes. But it's exhausting to watch her throw shade at Ejami. It's not the best look for her.

For me, everything about the scene where Hope wrote Bo that letter was over-baked. It wasn't my particular cup of sangria. But the Hope and Caroline scene was wonderful. Hope got the chance to remind Caroline (and all of us) that Bo has been gone for two years. I thought that Caroline's stance -- accepting of Hope, but still uneasy about Haiden -- was totally appropriate for her. And at the end of it, I'm thrilled that Hope didn't change her mind about having lunch with Aiden.

Daniel and Jennifer cancelled their pre-get-back-together date with yet another breakup scene because -- you'll love this -- Jen managed to make her son's attack all about her. Please, for the love of all things good in this world, let this be the end of them.

On top of all that, Jen made me reconsider my allegiance to the top-knot. Thanks for turning my style world upside down, Jen. Is nothing sacred, woman?!

HOT

I positively squealed with delight when Susan showed up at that door. Look, I know she's 1,000% camp. But if you have a soap without some element of utter ridiculatta, then, well, that is not a soap of which I want any part. Plus, not only is it a fangirl's dream to see James Scott and Eileen Davidson get to play this beat, but it is nice to see E.J. finally have a scene with his parent who isn't Stefano. You know, the one who's kept in touch with Marlena through the years and had a secret deal with Alice Horton.

NOT Will needs to stop acting like he's some sort of vigilante messiah journalist. This whole mantra of "I can control the narrative" is complete BS. Sonny called Will out on it too, but Will still proposed the idea to Chad. And you'd think the guy who was so mad at Sami for her revenge wouldn't be so willing to help Chad get his? Oh, that's right. When it benefits Will (like, say, give him another cover story) revenge is a-okay. Dang, I don't know how it happened, but Will became the worst. Boo.

LINE OF THE WEEK EJ (to Sami): "I gave you my soul. I won't ask for it back. I don't have any need for it without you." He might as well have been running up a fire escape with a boombox to kiss her in the rain.

Honorable mention: Eric: "Sometimes we have to face the consequences for our own actions. (Phone rings) It's my mother."

RANDOM THOUGHTS Look at Eric rocking the Tom Brady sweater. Nice!

It's a shame that Sami wasn't happier during her reign in Salem. Alison Sweeney has one of those joyous laughs.

I'm in love with everything about Abigail's midi neon skirt.

I don't think Sonny would appreciate Nicole pouring out his vodka on his floor. Also, since when does Nicole waste vodka?

Easy there, Eej. Not all of Sami's exes were heartless bastards. #TeamBrandon #Remember

Roman's "Maybe if you'd have come up with a miracle drug, he'd forgive you, too" was patronizing and insulting. I'm starting to see why he's single.

I'm not sure Lucas "You're out of my life, mother!" Horton should be lecturing anyone about cutting ties with people who hurt them.

I bet there's a lot of unfolded laundry around Wilson's place now that Gabi is gone.

The moment when Kristen poured Chad a glass of scotch and starting training him in the art of revenge was the exact moment that @Tony_S_Day tried to climb directly into his TV. I'm almost sure of it.

Ben and Abigail's makeout session proved that Abigail needs to get a place of her own. Maybe she and T could be roomies? #AlwaysWantMoreT

Lucas is now running Mad World. And Abigail is looking for a job...

Only Ejami can start a compliment with "This is the letter you wrote to me from prison" and have it be romantic.

Just when I'm ready to throw in the towel on Eric and Nicole, my friend posts this story on Facebook, and I'm all, "Gawd, it could work! Come on Ericole romance!"

That's it for now! Tony will be back next week to cover all of Susan Banks's glorious buffoonery. Trust me; you don't want to miss any of it!

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