Cold-blooded hot gossip

What's more dangerous than a Sharknado? Salem's sinister schemers sinking their teeth into their prey! Find out what deplorable deeds Sami, Kate, Eve, and Theresa were up to this past week. And if you really think it's safe to go back in the soap waters, think again. She's baaack! So, grab your safety blanket and survival guide for this week's Two Scoops!

Slide over Sami, Kate, Eve, and Theresa because your table in hell is about get a little more crowded -- Kristen is back and eviler than ever. And this time, she is taking a prisoner. Plus, Sami spilled the beans to Jordan about Kate and Rafe's romp while Kate sold E.J.'s companies right out from under him. I guess revenge really is the new black this summer. Let's discuss!

Sans Dannifer overload, I've never had too many issues with Dr. Dan, but I have to say his rudeness to Kristen last week made me see a side of him I don't know if I like. First, she upgraded his room to a huge suite. How nice was that!? Then she got him set up in a nice, big, comfy chair. In fact, she was so concerned about his comfort and safety that she gave him some rope to strap himself to the chair in case he fell asleep while sitting up and toppled over. So sweet! And then, after he woke up from his nap, she just wanted to talk. How did he react? Rudely. He called her names like "crazy bitch." Not cool, Dr. Surfer Dude. No wonder she was so insulted that she had to slap him. Kristen's friend, Lenny, was offended, too, because he got into it with Dr. Ungrateful. I'm guessing Lenny may have been the interior designer who prepared the suite for the doctor. I don't get it, Danny Boy. Way to be gracious to your hosts.

Okay, I guess I could see things from another perspective, too. That is, perhaps Kristen abducted Dr. Dan and is holding him hostage. But, really, potayto, potahto.

Though Kristen and I agree on so much, like a little time out in a secret room is good for an enemy's soul, Marlena is better to be seen and not heard most of the time, and it's not an evil or crazy plan if you have good(ish) intentions behind it, I do have some advice for her. Girlfriend is barking up the wrong tree with manhandling Dr. Dan. The man loves pain and punishment. After all, how long has he dated and non-dated Jennifer? Yep, he's a glutton. Moving on...

Ultimately, Kristen just wanted a simple, teensy favor. She wants Dr. Dan to bring Brady to her. She wants to see Brady for herself. I want to see this, too! Actually, there are a lot of things I want to see from Kristen's return. I do have a concern, though.

I worry about Dr. Dude's prolonged involvement in this storyline. It will be fine if the turnaround is quick, but I don't want to see Eileen's swan song on DAYS marred by Kristen interacting solely with Dr. Dan. I need at least one more Kristen/Marlena showdown. A Kristen/Eric/Nicole scene? Yes, please. I also want to see Kristen go bananas on Theresa. Oh, oh! I want to see Victor go bananas on Kristen for godson-napping Dr. Dan. There are so many items on my wish list for Kristen's return, and, dammit, I better get them, or else *inset evil laughter.*

Oh, speaking of laughter, I chuckled that Rafe's first question to Jordan was "Tammy Sue?" We asked that, too, Raferoni and Cheese. But that's not the point here. Rafe met Clyde but had to go before he got answers from Jordan. I'm glad the writers are prolonging this conversation for dramatic effect. If there's anything the Rafe/Jordan storyline needs, it's to be dragged out more. The glacial pace before was just too quick to follow.

Still, explaining her sordid Tammy Sue past to Rafe swiftly got removed from the top of Jordan's to-do list thanks to Sami. Well, thanks to what Sami said. That being Rafe and Kate are still hitting the sheets. I'm pretty sure Jordan will hit the roof once she finds out Sami is telling the truth. I kind of want Sami to watch that drama unfold while snacking on some popcorn and casually quipping Urkel's line, "Did I do that?"

Sami also did another number on Abigail and enlisted Kayla's help to do so. Well, Kayla didn't want to help. She was sort of blackmailed into it. You know, Sami was wrong to strong-arm Kayla, of course, but there was part of me that was simply happy to see Mary Beth Evans on my screen for more than a blink-and-you-may-miss-it moment. More so, I'm always a sucker for pairings that you don't see together that often interacting.

Ultimately, Kayla was disgusted by Sami's tactics. I get that, but Aunt Kayla said that it's the worst that Sami has ever done. Um, let's pull out the Brady Family Album. Flip to page ten: Sami kidnaps Belle and sells her on the black market. Now doesn't that just make threatening to pull twenty million away from sick children seem a little more warm and fuzzy? But Kayla was upset and wants a copy of the Brady Family Tree and an eraser so she can remove her "aunt" status from Sami's branch. I guess no evil deed goes unpunished.

By the way, Kayla, where is Joey?

Will is also worried about Sami's antics. He thinks she's "out of control." He wants to "teach her a lesson." Yep, it's always a good idea to get on the bad side of a woman who threatened to remove funds to a children's hospital out of spite as well as her accomplice who's equally vicious. This should end well for Will. I can see why Sonny's worried. It's just kind of ironic that Will is trying to get back at Sami for doing underhanded things by doing underhanded things. I guess this apple didn't roll far from the tree, after all. But I digress. It's all fun and games until a mad Mama Bear makes her own press release (SEE: Sami's folder on Will's wrongdoings).

Of course, Sami's week wasn't complete without a round or two with Jennifer and Abigail. I commend Abs for her efforts, I really do. She even may have had a point, or two, but there was a certain unintentional comedic element to those scenes. They were sort of like watching Scrappy-Doo try to intimidate Godzilla.

The same can kind of be said for Jennifer yelling at Sami. Again, valid points were made, and Jennifer threw a low punch by bringing up Mar Mar (congrats on getting your hands dirty, Jen), but I think Sami's line about not waiting for Jack's body to grow cold before she jumped onto Dr. Dan was a nice rebound. I guess Sami's not a Dannifer fan, either.

More than anything, I feel bad for Abigail. I know how much her job at Club TBD meant to her. She was always there on her tablet, working or talking to Ben over a cup of coffee. Hold on. This just in: Abby didn't work at the club; she worked at the hospital. I guess I think I saw her there, once or twice. Yep, she's definitely going to be shattered.

LOOSE ENDS: Joy to the world! Brother Lucky Charms is back. Oh, how I missed him. He had another deep conversation with Eric about something. Now Eric and Nicole have to go to the Vatican. I hope Eric realizes that if he becomes a priest again, he'll have to relearn how to forgive all God's flawed creatures and to dial down that judgment knob. But, considering the lustful way Eric looks at Nicole, I don't think he'll necessarily be praying when he screams out God's name next time. Just saying.

Yes, yes, yes, and yes! I love that Brady and Nicole are still friends, or, well, friends again if you want to play it that way. Their conversations casually start with an apology followed by an, "OMG, you'll never believe what stupid thing I did now," and end with them commiserating and supporting each other. I'm not too proud to admit that these two are one of my all-time favorite pairings, be it as friends or lovers. Three cheers for them being besties again!

Oh, and in case you were worried, Brady is now clear of all charges relating to John's meeting with Monsieur Fire Poker. Bullet dodged! Let's celebrate with some booze and cocaine! Are you in, Brady Black?

I enjoy funny Jennifer and wish she'd stick around more. When she commented there's no greeting card for someone's last day of community service, I laughed. I also thought her scenes with J.J. were sweet (as were Maggie's). It's touching moments like those on DAYS that bring it back to the core from time to time. So cute! And enough of that sappy crap from me -- moving on!

It's happened. The L-bomb has been dropped. J.J. and Paige love each other, y'all. I'll wait for you to stop crying tears of joy for these two. Okay. I think most of us can agree this can best be summed up from the classic line from the movie Valentine's Day: "There you have it, folks. Young love. Full of promise, full of hope, ignorant of reality." I give it until October Sweeps.

Eve and Jeannie-T are a little slice of diabolical deliciousness. Kassie DePaiva and Jen Lilley are perfect together. The Donovan gals are kind of my favorite siblings right now. By "favorite" I mean they're an entertaining train wreck I can't look away from. More, please!

Speaking of Eve, she went to Maggie for a favor. The consummate gracious Maggie was not having it. At all. I was thrilled that the writers didn't forget their past together, that being Eve running over Maggie's daughter, Sarah Horton. Eve made a valid point. Sarah did recover, but that still didn't mean that Maggie was willing to play nice now. You go, Big Red! Victor would have been proud of your chutzpah.

Victor, of course, was plenty proud of himself last week. He managed to stick it to E.J. by purchasing two of his subsidiaries from Kate and Sami. He giggled and gloated like the happy mogul he was, and even invited E.J. over to watch. I have to admit, though, Victor and E.J. would be an interesting pair to watch scheme together. Hmm!

Finally, let me just say, had I not picked another "Hot," Victor being Victor would have totally snagged it this week. How great is John Aniston!? He never ceases to amaze me. I love Victor's bark, no doubt, but his giddiness in taking his enemies down a peg is just infectious. To end this section on a high note, here are some things Victor said that totally cracked me up:

Victor (to Jennifer): "You deal with a creep like Eve, and you need a creep like me to watch your back." Victor (upon opening the door to find Eve there): "Anybody order a hooker?" Victor (to Jennifer): "Do a girl thing! Maggie can get me to change my mind about anything."

HOT Well, Kristen's back, duh! How excited am I to see Emmy-winning Eileen Davidson back on my screen as Kristen? Well, let's just say if this were my very own variety show and not a written column, this is where I'd break out into a song and dance number with backup dancers dressed as the Banks quintuplets and Elvis, er, Elvises, um Elvi for more than one? I don't know. I don't care because baby's back, and Salem better get ready. I know I am!

NOT This is more nitpicky, but seriously, someone needs to tell Belle that John is in a coma. She may want to know that. I know she's somewhere doing something more pressing that is preventing her from coming to see her comatose father, but an encouraging Tweet or Facebook post might be nice. More so, Claire Bear may want to send a card in hopes that John wakes up RoboJohn again. They were pretty tight, after all.

LINE OF THE WEEK Kristen (to Dr. Dan): "No one can hear you scream! I can't believe I just got to say that."

SUMMER LOVIN' Before the next installment of the Summer Lovin' series hits the web later this month, be sure to check out the second one, Love is lovelier the second (or third, or fourth) time around.

RANDOM THOUGHTS While Eric was giving John a blessing, I wonder what Roman was thinking?

Is it too soon to sing "Poker Face" to John?

Say what you will, but I kind of love Anne's lines. The following one to Theresa was an awesome zinger: "Save the Tammy Wynette crap for that dumb stud with the two-point gazillion [blood] alcohol level."

Wow! Mary Beth Evans is simply stunning. Get this gal some more screen time, people in power positions.

Spoons of peanut butter really are the best remedy for bad days including breakups, bad reviews, or bludgeoning your father-in-law with a fire poker then framing your spouse. The big question is: smooth or crunchy?

I loved Sami's dress last week! Very Stepford Wives of her.

Speaking of dresses, Anne's black and white one was pretty spectacular, too.

Um, has that guy always been J.J.'s boss, or is he new? Regardless, does anyone know where to sign up for Salem community service? If they're not accepting volunteers, I'll be happy to smack the Horton Town Square around. Yep, I'm a giver.

Now I have "Hollaback Girl" stuck in my head. Thanks The Voice promos. #secretlylovingit

"Doctor surfer voice." Love it!

John and Marlena's relationship is even more exciting when one of them is in a coma.

I wonder if Rafe will bring Gabi a picture of Abigail and E.J., too?

Wowza! E.J.'s racing past was brought up. I thought that was as dead a topic as Rex, Cassie, and John's paternity. In any event, I enjoyed the nod! And perhaps E.J. could also fall back on that.

PARTING THOUGHTS So, friends and fellow DAYS fans, that's Two Scoops for the week of August 4! As I'll totally not be spending time in Saint Louis totally not helping Kristen extract information from Dr. Dan, @LaurisaDays will be back the next several weeks to cover my tracks. I mean to Two Scoop only. She knows nothing, I tell you. And, "That's a fact!"

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