All the angry games we play

Revenge might be a dish better served cold, but DAYS was smoking hot last week with sizzling acts of vengeance and secret agendas. Find out why Sami, Kate, and Eve are heating up Salem this summer and why their enemies should be afraid. Very afraid. Of course, you just might want to grab some aloe in case you get burned. Read it all in this week's scorching Two Scoops!

I know this will disappoint everyone, but I don't have enough time or a high enough word count to properly cover all of Ben's abs last week. So, we'll just have to agree that this year's Fourth of July picnic was a lot hotter because of them. Sure, take a moment of silence if you need one (Read: wipe the drool away because we have a lot to discuss).

The big event happened. Sami and E.J. are officially married. That was a bittersweet moment for this EJami fan. Part of me is thrilled they've finally tied the knot (hello, eight-year wait). Then I remember the affair. And like Sami, I want revenge. E.J. didn't just cheat on Sami, he cheated on EJami fans, and you don't mess with this rowdy bunch of obsessed mo-fos. So, you go on with your bad, scheming self, Sami. I'm on your team, girl, and I've studied at the Kristen DiMera Academy of Crazy. Tag me in, coach -- I'm ready!

The games Sami is playing with E.J. are downright genius. Recording him while he opened the safe so that she could get his combination? Legendary! And what was in that safe, even more. Enclosed were nearly all the secret documents E.J., or Stefano, could hold over Sami's head in the future (and have in the past). This gives Sami power, and Sami with power is sure to be an amazing roller-coaster to ride.

More so, I love Sami being on top right now. Well, as "on top" as a heartbroken gal can be. For twenty-plus years we've watched Sami plan some, let's say, questionable things. As amazingly entertaining as her antics were, let's be honest, it was hard to root for her to ultimately succeed at things such as kidnapping her kid sister and selling her on the black market, drugging and raping dimwitted Austin, becoming a drag king/drug dealer, keeping Carrie and Austin apart by blackmailing Lexie into telling Carrie her children with Austin would have serious birth defects, that little shooting E.J. in the head thingy, and, well, yeah. She's done tons of horrendous things that make rooting for her to win difficult. Well, not this time.

This time around, Sami is teaming up with Kate (yes, please) as well as using her arsenal of scheming to avenge her broken heart against a worthy adversary (not to pick on her sugary sweet sister and her beaux with the intellect of an unripe grape). Sami and E.J. give as good as they get. They can handle this, and, oddly, probably (and eventually) become a stronger couple from it. But in the meantime, I love Sami holding the cards and mentally messing with Abigail. Sami deserves this victory lap, or swan song, as the case may be.

As for Jordan (a.k.a. Li'l Tammy Sue), she is going to be singing the blues very soon I fear. Blues? Maybe bluegrass, but I digress. Kate is ushering in some dark days for her in the form of her daddy dearest, Clyde. This guy is bad news, and so is his Duck Dynasty wannabe sidekick who knows how to use Google. I have a feeling that Kate is unleashing a monster onto Salem, which is a little awkward, considering Kate's own history with an abusive d-bag (See: Curtis Reed). Then again, Kate doesn't know why Jordan is hiding from Clyde, but I hope Kate's a big enough woman to acknowledge her whoopsy when the time comes. No, I won't hold my breath, but I will blame Rafe's "Peen of Salvation" for this storyline and anything that happens as a result.

Then there's Eve. There isn't enough praise I can give to @KassieDePaiva! She's crushing the role. It seemed like she seamlessly slipped into Salem and has been here for years. Kassie has a natural chutzpah that's making her Must-See TV. And Eve and Theresa on the same team!? Yes, please! That makes Team Anti-Jen consist of Eve, Jeannie-T, Anne, Jennifer's wardrobe, and every non-Dannifer fan. Have fun with that, Jenny.

So, Sami promised there is a big storm coming, and I have on my galoshes and an umbrella in hand. With Sami, Kate, Eve, and, very, very soon, Kristen manipulating Salem's weather patterns, I have no doubt we need to batten down the hatches this summer. I say, let it pour! LOOSE ENDS: I'll start with a confession. I've always been a Roman and Marlena fan. Some of my earliest DAYS memories were watching them fall in love (remember him sleeping at her apartment to protect her from the Salem Strangler!? Aw!). So, yep, I'm a bit of a Sami when it comes to wishing they'd reunite. Last week, they were totally adorable. I like the maturity of their friendship and the ease with which they joke together -- she seems to have fun with Roman while John weighed her down with all his drama. Plus, Roman is due for his once-a-decade romp.

So, Patti Stanger is allowed to call Marlena "Mar," but Nicole is not. Interesting! Right. The point. Mar Mar called her good pal Patti and asked her to emcee the gala. Sure. Why not. At least she didn't ask the classy crew from the Daytime Emmys red carpet to host. There's that. But a call to Calliope Jones Bradford would have been a wee bit more entertaining, and a lot more nostalgic. Just saying.

Here's a zinger! Instead of John coming at Brady from a concerned father angle, why doesn't he simply try to relate to him from one former junkie to another? Wait! What am I talking about? Here it is. While I was strolling down Sami's memory lane of sin, I remembered -- while she was "Stan," she used to feed John pain pills after he was injured while trying to rescue his loved ones from Melaswen. Ergo, John was an addict, too. Mind blown.

Sans the entire DAYS not addressing the lingering Bo issues, blah, blah, blah, I like Hope and Aiden. They have a fun spark. And while I give Hope credit for encouraging Aiden to explain his mysterious past on his own terms, part of me wants her to police background check his shady dimpled goodness. It might save her some surprises (and possibly heartache) later. Still, I guess if you've been brainwashed, had submarine sex while under said mind control, dropped into a vat of acid, and have been addicted to pills that cause you to become a mugger ho with horrible lipstick, not much else can shock you. Moving on.

I'll ask again, why isn't T on more!? The guy's hysterical! Of course he enters hot dog eating contests and loses to Theo (LOL)! Of course he's ditzy enough to forget his date's name. Of course, I sort of felt bad for him when his former crush Abigail got to the picnic and he had to point her in the direction of Ben's abs, err, Ben. He's kind of the Gen Y Lucas -- always coming in second, but deliciously endearing and entertaining nonetheless. Though, he dates, so that doesn't make him exactly like Lucas.

Finally, I enjoyed the annual Fourth of July/soap hunks take off their shirts and frolic in the water picnic. I did. It was a nice break from the heavy drama. And whereas I appreciate the tradition, I kind of miss the days of the Horton/Brady Independence Day parties. They gave me nearly the same amount of warm fuzzies as decorating the Horton Christmas tree. Alas, I guess the times they are a-changin', and I guess all twenty of Ben's abs weren't that bad of a consolation prize.

HOT Holy snap, crackle, and pop, Batman! Alicia Keys might as well have been talking about @Ali_Sweeney when she wrote "Girl on Fire" because that's just what la Sweeney was last week (okay, interest of full disclosure, she's been that way most of the year). No, not just because she looked amazingly amazing in that wedding dress, well, that, too, but Alison is simply kicking butt and taking names. More, please!

NOT This is more "Weak Sauce" than an actual "Not," but follow me here. Dr. Dan claimed he's seen the light. He realizes the mistakes of getting personally involved with patients. He won't do it again. Good for him! I just wouldn't want to be the first lady in a hospital gown around him in about two weeks. The nurses will have to start carrying spray bottles and spritz him if he tries to climb on a patient. But, sure. Sure. He won't let that happen again. And Nicole won't lie again, Rafe will never be smug again, and Julie will never shriek some hypocritical rant again.

LINE OF THE WEEK Marlena (to Giselle, regarding the summer gala): "I'm going alone. I thought about blackmailing someone to go with me, but that just seems so tacky." RANDOM THOUGHTS Brady is a brilliant, brilliant drunk man for saying this, "There has to be an app that shuts your phone off when you've been drinking." Amen, superstar lush! This is a million-dollar idea. I'm still sending apologizes for all the drunk dials and texts I sent in my early twenties. By "my early twenties," I mean "sorry about last Thursday, grandma."

Speaking of million-dollar ideas, I have another get-rich scheme. I want to open a chest-waxing pagoda at Horton Town Square. After the Independence Day picnic, there certainly seems to be a market for it!

Since characters seem to have a musical theme, I wonder if Clyde's will be "Dueling Banjos" as played by a jug band.

Thumbs-up to the Caroline/Jeannie scene. I love when Grandma Brady gets to hang and support her troubled gals.

I enjoyed the brief Will and Jennifer moment! I forget that she's his aunt sometimes. Then again, so do most of the Hortons.

I love that Eve called Theresa "Miss Jeannie." Way to keep it real, Eve!

OMG! Johnny walking Sami down the aisle was cute overload! The wedding had so many touching moments; it's just too bad the groom and maid of honor couldn't stop from touching each other in the first place. Drats!

So, Ben's real name is Ollie. That's disappointing. I thought it would be Bobby Lee Ray Cletus "Bubba" Yoakam, Jr., you know, since DAYS is trying to steer clear of stereotyping hicks.

Why wasn't Mary the maid at the wedding? Harold gets all the, um, fun.

When it was announced the wedding was beginning and everyone was requested in the garden, Sonny put down his champagne and went outside. Bad move, Junior Kiriakis. Always take the liquor with you! #thingsyoucanlearnfromLaurisaandme

I liked Brady's shirt last week. Then again, so did Eve.

On the fashion topic, Jennifer's dress last week. Okay. That's all I got.

Abs of steel aside, NuBen is all shades of adorable. He has that bashful all-around nice guy smile thing down. Swooning in 5, 4, 3...

This line at the wedding is one of the many reason I love Lucas, "Nothing like having the ex-husband here to round out the guest list." Ha!

Another clue to Salem's location: it's north of the Ozarks. Or in redneck, "up there."

Look at Harold getting his humor on!

I just wish Sami had looked at Detective Fancy Face and asked, "Aunt Hope, why do you have crazy pants on?"

Oh, Chez Rouge. Will we ever see you again? A.k.a., why wasn't the gala there!?

Doug and Julie are on a cruise. You don't say.

Hey, Maggie! Why all the Sami shade being thrown?

Hmm, there's a lot of Frankie Brady talk lately. It would totally be terrible to have Billy Warlock and all of his adorableness back in Salem. Terrible, I tell you.

Is it just me, or is there a resemblance between Kate Mansi and Madonna playing Eva Pern in Evita?

Love it! I can totally see Anne on a booze cruise.

As per Abigail, she and Will are cousins and best friends. That gal's sort of a BFF slut. Just ask Chelsea, Melanie, (red-headed) Stephanie, the cashier at 7-Eleven, the sales associate at Barron's where she buys her mom ugly pants, her third grade algebra teacher...

Sorry, July Fourth, the real fireworks begin at the end of the month!

PARTING THOUGHTS So, friends and fellow DAYS fans, that's Two Scoops for the week of July 7. Since @LaurisaDays is continuing her search for evidence in the Ozarks, where weeding through all the "Tammy Sues" and "Ollies" is proving to be a tedious task, y'all, I'll be back next week to sit in at the DiMera Enterprises annual stock holders' meeting. Don't worry. I've got this. I've watched ever season of Dallas and Melrose Place. I've been practicing pensive expressions. And I've sown shoulder pads into every one of my suit jackets. Yep, I'm ready to rock and roll and, "That's a fact!"

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