You can't always get what you want

E.J. and Abigail having a baby might just be one of the best things to happen to Salem. But there's still no way they should ever be a couple. Also, who knew that Eric could still surprise us? Find out more in this week's Two Scoops.

It's times like these when I reevaluate my decision to be spoiler-free. It's driving me nuts that I don't know if Abigail is pregnant. Daniel was able to invite half the town over for pizza and salad, and yet Abigail still hasn't found the time to take a pregnancy test. Why?! We know she's not working because Hortons never have to work for anything in their lives! (Right, Anne, Theresa, and possibly Liam?)

Still, I have to wonder what the future of Salem will look like in nine months. For the sake of all things soapy, I hope that Abigail is pregnant. Wait! Hear me out.

As much as I think Ejami is fabulous and will recover from this, it's hugely unrealistic and, frankly, very boring to expect all of E.J.'s children to come from Sami. The possibilities with a blended DiMera/Horton kid are endless -- everything from Stefano and Jennifer sharing a grandchild to seeing Sami being a stepmother. Plus, Salem hasn't had a child of an illicit affair since...when? Lucas, maybe? (Belle doesn't count, as her folks ended up together.) Anyway, it's all really wonderful.

I also loved that E.J. accused Abigail of trying to get pregnant. Of course we know she didn't, but it was nice to see E.J. regain a bit of the cynicism that makes him an interesting character. And considering what Nicole and Sami did to him with both of their pregnancies, I can't blame him one bit for being extra cautious with another potential baby mama. I'm hard pressed to think of anyone else screwed over in the paternity department more often than E.J.

But while I dig the endgame, a few of the things along the path to it are little less than awesome.

First, ding-bell Sami isn't one for my taste at all. You can't spend two decades being one of the best schemers on the show and then all of a sudden turn into a bimbo -- excuse me, I mean a bimbo who now runs a successful corporation and can carry on business calls in another language. They need to stop rewriting Sami as a ditz in order for her to have excuses to run into Abigail.

And as for Abigail, she's justifiably freaking out right now. But she's way too willing to martyr herself. E.J. took advantage of her! She's going to do this on her own! Chad got her into his bed by faking cancer! Ugh. I'm ovah that attitude and those utterly false statements.

Like all other problems in Salem, I blame Gabi. If I didn't have to endure scene after scene of a girl proclaiming to know everything while I sat painfully aware that this immature princess is living in her own dream land, perhaps I could cut Abigail some slack. But Gabi's taken up all of my patience in that department. It's not fair, but hey, this is a world where Gabi is calling all the shots.

Like it or not (spoiler alert -- I don't!), Gabi is the linchpin for Nick's entire reign of terror. Poor Sonny, Will, E.J., Sami, and Kate are practically catering to her every whim. She's like the toddler holding your cell phone over the toilet while you frantically try to appease her with shiny things so as to not spook her into doing something destructive.

Wonder Brain proclaimed that she wasn't just a clueless puppet last week even though she signed a contract without reading it and continued to invite Nick over to give her hugs. It's infuriating. And it's why I'm turning to my new favorite hero, Sonny, to fix this.

Sonny and Nick had another deliciously wonderful confrontation where Sonny showed that he's still in full possession of his Kiriakis swagger. And since Nick's only weak spot seems to be Gabi, I wonder why Sonny just doesn't threaten to send Gabi to jail if Nick doesn't back off.

One call from Sonny to his old buddy Mel would start all of the dominos falling around Gabi, and there isn't a thing that Nick could do to stop it. Even Nick's bogus agreement with Chad doesn't cover what Melanie may or may not due.

Now, I don't think that Sonny would actually pull the trigger on this plan. (Darn it!) But the point is the threat of it all. There's something too Game of Thrones King Joffrey about Nick Fallon at the moment, and Sonny's the only one with a card to play.

Speaking of cards, Daniel came up with one in a great Friday cliffhanger! Sure, Nicole could cover up the shredded document by saying that a source sent it to her about the Eric story. But I really hope Daniel can convince his good buddy to come clean. Time is not Nicole's friend right now. The more it accumulates, the less likely Eric will be to stay with her when the truth comes out.

But, if I may, the real wonder of this whole storyline right now is how in the world Chyka is still breathing. Not only is Chyka the material witness to Kristen's crimes, but he supposedly told Stefano everything that happened at that cabin. This includes admitting that Daniel and Nicole overpowered him, injected him with truth serum, and videotaped him giving up Kristen -- after which he gave Nicole clues on where to find the hard evidence to back up his story. I just don't see Stefano responding with, "Cool. As long as you can Skype with Marlena, it's peachy keen, jelly bean!" Stefano doesn't leave loose ends.

But since Chyka is still around, he might as well be of use to Stefano. It seems as though Steffie bear is starting to set up his own hunger games, where Nicole and Marlena battle for Chyka's support. Unsurprisingly, Marlena didn't do well in the first round because Marlena is not on her game right now.

In fact, I don't know that Marlena's lack of self-awareness was ever more on display than when she stood in the square, chastising Nicole while John stood right over Marlena's shoulder!! Hello, Mar! Proof that you've been in Nicole's lovesick-for-a-priest shoes is standing about two steps to your left! I'm surprised the ground didn't just open up right there and swallow Marlena whole.

I'm glad that Eric tore into Marlena. This is now the second time in the last four months that she's gone behind one of her children's backs to try to prove her point. The sad part is that a strong argument could be made that no one would have loved Brady and Eric more than Kristen and Nicole, respectively. Sometimes having a little crazy in your corner isn't bad thing. Just ask Maggie.

Plus, the writers keep surprising me when it comes to Ericole! For example, when Eric told Nicole that he didn't want their first time to be "like this," stupid ol' me assumed that "like this" meant "it's not Sweeps." And while I still may be right, I was shocked when Eric said that he wanted to wait until marriage. It's actually a brilliant move on the writers' part! It's true to Eric's character and a very believable way to drag out the Ericole chemistry a little longer. I'm not mad at this move one bit.

Although it does bring up that age-old question: Just exactly how dreamy does the guy have to be to make it acceptable to taunt God with lingerie?

LOOSE ENDS As my mother pointed out to me, when Detective Hope Brady has a storyline revolving around a bake sale, something is very wrong. Personally, I am looking forward to Hope moving on to a storyline more Aiden-focused and less Ciara-focused. (Seriously, are we going to wait for Ciara to bite the head off a live bird before Hope realizes that Ciara is a bad seed?)

Remember a few years ago when Stephanie was all upset because someone wrote "Whore" on her locker in lipstick? Jennifer has that same storyline right now, but instead of a locker, it's a message board. I feel bad for Jen. I mean, those mouth-breathers who use some webpage to post their opinions on something are the worst, amiright?

Oh boy, did Rafe show up with that date idea for Jordan! There was something wonderful about Rafe dancing with the woman who helped him walk again. And they danced like Belle and Beast did in the ballroom! None of this middle school-hug-and-sway nonsense. No wonder she decided to stay!

Stop me if you've heard this one before. Marlena does something terrible to Roman or his children, and he forgives her on the spot.

A great use of Jennifer: having her serve as Hope's confidante during Bo's extended leave. Bo's mission could not be more Jack Deveraux if it fell out of the sky and landed in a cake. So if anyone has the authority to council Hope through this, it's Jen. Plus, I dig the cuz duo together.

A terrible use of Jennifer: having her judge Nicole and Eric's relationship because Nicole lied to Eric to help him. Even Daniel pointed out that it seems odd, considering that he had just lied to her about Theresa to protect J.J.

HOT Sonny's chat with Victor was splendid! Never one to forget a slime ball that crossed him, Victor is well aware that Nick toys with Maggie's emotions and spent a good chunk of time making Sonny's life miserable. I really hope that if Sonny decides to make a move, he doesn't forget that Uncle Vic is ready to play ball.

NOT I'm torn about giving this my "Not" of the week. On one hand, Abigail can eff off with that "You're marrying a DiMera and your judging my mother" comment at Sami. One, Sami was rightfully pointing out that Jennifer can be...um...passionate when it comes to moral judgments. Two, DiMera shade is completely ridiculous coming from a gal who's bagged two DiMera brothers. Three, Abigail might be pregnant with Johnny and Sydney's sibling right now, so it's best to be cordial to their mother. Four, the Lady Mansi deserves better than to play Jennifer 2.0. Five, Abigail need to check her Salem history because her precious mother willingly married a DiMera as well.

On the other hand, oh, how I am going to love seeing Sami burn Abigail to the ground when this whole thing comes out. Keep digging, Abs. You'll regret the snot out of this later.

LINE OF THE WEEK Sonny (about the Kiriakis Mansion): "Didn't you marry Vivian here?" Victor: "A youthful indiscretion!" Sonny: "Wasn't that just a few years ago?" Victor: "Your point?" If Victor is not Sonny's best man, then something is wrong with the universe.

RANDOM THOUGHTS I'm with you, Rory. Cheesy poofs are a must.

If he's staying around, anyway, I want Percy to go full-on comedic weirdo sidekick. Iago to Nick's Jafar, if you will.

I forgot that they were the Salem High Panthers.

E.J. looked very Sonny Corinthos in that gray suit and black shirt.

Yes! Tony and I would love to come to the dinner party, Daniel. We like pineapple on our pizza and red wine in our glasses. We'll bring Scotch to share as well.

I loved Sami's purple dress with the black lace cutouts. Purple does well for the lovely Alison Sweeney.

I wish that Gabi would defend everyone else to Nick the way she defends him to everyone else.

Do you think that truth serum is readily available at Salem U Hospital, or did Daniel have to sneak into Victor's secret stash? (Also, I don't know that Victor has said secret stash, but I feel like that's a pretty safe assumption.)

I kind of live for moments like when Sami told E.J. that Abigail might be pregnant. James Scott's reaction/non-reaction was a thing of beauty.

I'm a little disappointed that Paige Larson didn't turn out to be Joy Wesley.

The erectile dysfunction support group was not nearly as funny as the book club. But I give the show major credit for still putting in these scenes that are clearly structured for comedic relief. Good job!

I may be crazy, but I think a traditional Greek wedding for Sonny and Will sounds amazing and beautiful and wonderful, and I want it to happen so very much. If we can follow it up with an Irish feast at the reception, then I won't ask for anything else this Christmas. I promise.

And that's it! Tony will be back next week to recap the huge St. Patrick's Day party that Caroline is sure to throw! Or watch Nicole wrangle out of another situation. One of those is certainly bound to happen.

What are your thoughts on ? What did you think of this week's Two Scoops? We want to hear from you -- so drop your comments in the Comments section below, tweet about it on Twitter, share it on Facebook, or chat about it on our Message Boards.