Back to Black

John's back, and that's a fact. Find out what brought him home and what's keeping Bo away. Plus, one Salemite is in the midst of a pregnancy scare while one man may be on his way to adding to the town's budding psycho population. It's crazy out there, so grab a straitjacket and read all about it in this week's Two Scoops!

Methinks it's time for Erin Brockovich to investigate Salem's drinking water. There has to be something in the reservoir that turns seemingly normal citizens into loons, or at the very least has them making oddball decisions. I'd start with Sami's choice to go to Abigail for art history lessons, but there's more on that later. First, let's start with John. Heeee's back!

Yep, the Black Attack opted to come home. That's not so much of an oddball decision as it is odd timing, considering he missed several big moments in his loved ones' lives over the past year. Truth be told, that was probably for the best. John had his Grade-A asshat face on last time we saw him. Having him around probably wouldn't have made that any better. Perhaps the cooling off period for fans was a good thing.

The same can't be said for John's loved ones. They're fired up that he's back in town and ready to reconcile differences. John greeted Marlena with a "What's up, Doc?" to which Mar Mar went into a tirade about his lack of communication. You know, sans one email and several from his divorce attorney, who I'm still puzzled they need because I don't remember them getting re-re-remarried after he returned from Alamainia with Hope. I digress.

John and Mar are mad at each other. True, each party made some valid points, but here's the thing I don't buy. The writers are making most of the fighting between Jarlena over their biological kids (because of what Kristen may or may not have done to them). Sans Belle, when did John and Marlena ever put, well, anyone's needs above their own as a couple? They have made an art form out of sucking face and macking on strawberries and cream while their loved ones lives crashed and burned around them. I'm not even sure Mar remembered Sami prior to John leaving town. Perhaps putting their children above all else is how it should have been from the start, but that's just a new concept I'm not used to seeing from these two.

Like Marlena, Brady didn't exactly roll out the welcome wagon for John, either. Actually, he wanted his father to stay out of his life and basically threw a Ciara-sized temper tantrum. Truth be told, Brady and the reality of what happened to him haven't met yet. If they had, he'd realize John made some poor choices but isn't the bad guy here. Brady's beef isn't really with his dad. It's with himself. Someday Brady will get that. Okay. I kid. I kid. Brady will never get the proverbial "it" and will probably continue to blame everyone for his poor choices. So, bottoms up, Brady Black.

Ironically, the only person who's been happy to see John so far is Hope, and he handed her a grenade. That bomb is that Bo is going very, very deep undercover -- so deep he's not going to be able to contact his family in any way, shape, or form for another year. It seems Bo's investigating a crime syndicate far worse than the amateur hour the DiMeras have going on. I'll let you take that one in for a second.

Okay, this would have made my "Not" but it didn't only because we finally have some sort of resolution as to where Bo-Daddy has been. It's an answer. I'm not loving it, but it's an answer. Oh, and Hope's not loving it either. In fact, she's hurt, frustrated, and, it's safe to say, downright pissed off. I don't blame her one bit.

It was a showing of awesomeness and support that Hope was okay with Bo going off to do what he had to do. It was also a showing of sloppy writing, but that's neither here nor there. Hope was a trooper at first. And then months turned into a year, and now a year into years, and I'm okay with Hope moving on with her life and letting Bo go. She deserves to follow her own path and make choices for herself and her child, not for herself, her child, and her MIA husband who may or may not return.

As for Bo, I'm sure he's fighting the good fight for a reason, but unless he returns home with Shawn-D, Belle, Claire, Chelsea, and a really-not-dead-after-all Zach, I'm pretty sure it's going to be a disappointing reason. Actually, Bo's investigation smells like Jack's trip to Afghanistan. Both men went about their business with noble intentions, but abandoned their families and put themselves in dangerous situations to do so. So, Bo might have been all torn up missing his family as John said, but Bo chose to stick around parts unknown to play the hero to everyone except for the two Bo-sick gals in Salem who really need him. Bad Bo. Bad, bad Bo.

Side Rant: Bo wrote in his letter, "...you, Shawn-Douglas, and Ciara..." Hello! What about Chelsea!? I was angry at first, but then I had a thought. What if Bo's journey has something to do with saving Chelsea from the people eviler than the DiMeras? And then they'll come home together. Yes, please. But I won't hold my breath.

Speaking of rants, it seems like Liam went to the Alec Baldwin School of Charm. A smitten Liam became a bit of a psycho when Jennifer gave him the heave-ho. He called her a bitch. Ouch. It didn't get better as Liam seemed to unravel as he tried to explain his tirade. Later, someone was seen at a computer, typing a message about Jennifer. My vote is that was Liam, and he's out for some revenge for being dumped for Dr. Dan.

Conversely, I have another theory about Liam. He went off the deep end quickly after Jennifer ended their casual fling. Sure, we've seen baddies in Salem plot revenge for far less -- or equally mundane -- reasons. I'd suggest you reference Anne's hatred for Jennifer, but we're still a bit unsure about that one.

Anyway, Liam went crazy fast. Or is he really Liam Frazier? Jennifer once had an ex who was crazy. That ex just so happened to be Stefano's son. Stefano, who just so happens to have a long list of plastic surgeons at his beck and call. Remember when he created Fake Rafe and Hattie Adams? Could Liam really be Peter Blake with a new face and an old agenda to reconcile with/get revenge on Jennifer? Hmm!

LOOSE ENDS: Damn you, writers, for toying with my emotions. Now every EJami scene that should be engaging has turned into a bittersweet mess thanks to E.J.'s peen and Abigail. Oh, and Abigail's potential bun in the oven. I can't say I didn't see this one coming, although I really hope it's a false alarm. Alas, as an EJami fan, I guess we've endured more and have gotten through it. Yeah, I'll keep reminding myself of that.

I'm pretty sure I didn't hear much of what Ben had to say. His overall hotness is a bit distracting. But here's the thing. I like Jordan, so for the sake of helping out a friend in need, if she and Ben can't be in the same city, well, fine. She can stay in Salem to be with Rafe, and Ben can come live with me. I know. I know. My generosity overwhelms me at times, too. Anyway...

Ben and Jordan are siblings. Or are they? They have an odd vibe about them. I'm not ruling out that they are related, but I'm not going to be surprised if saying they're siblings isn't a cover for some other kind of relationship that's not so siblingy.

You know, I like Bev. She's proved to be a good friend to J.J. Therefore, I'm disappointed that the writers are going for an easy out because she likes to smoke pot. In addition, without letting Bev's body cool, they introduced a new girl, who seemed to steal J.J.'s heart along with the return of his wallet. New gal's pretty and all, but Bev is getting a raw deal. She's basically a good kid who likes to smoke a little wacky tobacky. Next thing you know, people will be drinking beer while watching football games. Sound the alarm. Ugh.

A thing that made me go hmmm was this. I may have been looking at Brady and Jeannie-T's budding whatever-it-is all wrong. At first, I was, "Isn't there another former relative you could lay on, Brady Black?" But now, if they do get together, that means Brady and J.T. would be a couple. That means Brady would be happy. That would make a returning Kristen unhappy. And an unhappy Kristen is epically entertaining. To add some more fabulous to that deliciousness, it would most likely turn into a Kristen vs. Eve and Jeannie-T type scenario. Since Brady is Salem's most seasoned Man-Prize, I wouldn't mind watching those feisty females battle it out for his, let's say, soul.

HOT Yes, please! Sonny's "I'm a Kiriakis, and I get what I want no matter what it takes" stance with Nick was pretty attractive. I've always wanted Sonny's Kiriakis side to shine, and we may be getting that soon. Sure, Nick made him squirm a bit, but I'm not counting Sonny and his new bravado out yet. Next stop, he needs to visit Uncle Vic and be schooled in Ruthless 101. I repeat, "Yes, please!"

NOT Oh, mah-gawd. Art history lessons for Sami. Really, writers? Did they find mediocrity in the back of the fridge that needed used up before its expiration date? This hurts my head. Here's why. Sami didn't want to sound stupid to E.J. Umm, okay. But, dude! You shot the man in the head, and within a few years he proposed. You're solid. Relax.

And, writers, find a better reason for planets Sami and Abigail to orbit because this Charabia chitchat hurt a bit, not to mention Sami could have found better resources for her art education. There's the DiMera library and their expansive art collection (Hint: she even lives in the mansion). Google. Stefano himself would help, I'm sure. There's Google. Sami's mom, Mar Mar, is pretty sophisticated. Oh, how about a public library or art gallery. I'm sure equally sophisticated Maggie would put bells on to take Sami to one. Did I mention Google? Moral of the story, shut it down, dear writers.

LINE OF THE WEEK Nicole (to Eric): "Theresa is like the Lindsay Lohan of Salem."

RANDOM THOUGHTS Never leave candles unattended, Dr. Dan.

Stefano and I both want to know who is eviler than the DiMeras. And then we want to out-do them.

Oh, Kate, please gurl. You loved working under E.J. at Mythic Communications. I mean, with E.J.

I think Jennifer is borrowing pants from Gabi's collection. #youmaywanttorethinkthat

I love seeing Maxine out of the hospital.

J.J. looked longingly at his guitar. All that's missing from this Country Western sad song is a beat-up pickup truck.

I don't know why, but with her up-do and tumbler, Jeannie-T kind of reminded me of Will & Grace's Karen Walker.

If Eric and Brady are going to fight again, they could at least take off their shirts.

Sami said that sometimes she'd like to throttle Gabi. Oh, Sami Gene. Know. The. Feeling.

Ben was hired at Club TBD. Please forward my mail there. He's pretty.

Modeling is the perfect fit for Gabi. It highlights her gorgeousness, and she doesn't have to talk.

I kind of want Jordan to upload a YouTube video of Arthur playing the DAYS' theme song on a tiny piano.

PARTING THOUGHTS So, friends and fellow DAYS fans, that's Two Scoops for the week of March 10. I'm off to help Caroline prepare the Brady Pub for St. Patrick's Day, so Laurisa will be back next Monday with a green beer in hand. And "That's a fact!"

As always, thanks for reading! Tony

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