Dirty blondes

They say blondes have more fun, but some of Salem's fair-haired femme fatales didn't seem to be having a rip-roaring time last week. One walked away from her man. One wants a man she can't have. One committed murder for her former man's manhood. And one simply needs to be committed after losing it over a man. So, make a commitment and read this week's ambitiously blonde edition of Two Scoops!

Personally, I feel lucky to have made it through last week without getting slugged. Kristen and Nicole got bitch-slappy. Sami got a smack. Marlena whacked a bastard. Jennifer got verbally punched around. Heck, I'm pretty sure Baby Arianna Grace roughed up Nurse Andrea for simply trying to change her diapers. It's a good thing these ladies have thick skin, or else they'd be all down for the count. Yep, our resident blondes are fighters.

And, boy, oh, boy girl, oh girl, did they fight! We had Sami vs. Kristen, Kristen vs. Nicole, Kristen vs. Marlena -- I'm starting to see a trend here, Ms. DiMera -- as well as Marlena vs. John, and Sami vs. the Salem P.D. All around, the gloves were off, and the bell sounded for these ladies to rumble. Let's discuss.

First things first. Well, first fight first, I should say. That was Kristen vs. Sami. Like many of Kristen's battles, this was fought over what she did to Brady. Sami finally got her digs in. And Kristen got hers back while being patronizing as hell. I'm a sucker for two tough ladies going head-to-head with killer wit and wicked words. Fun times, ladies. I'll look forward to another round soon.

Next, Kristen and Nicole went for it. Big time! But I can't. I can't do it. I can't pick a side here, but I will say they both fought viciously, and I enjoyed every catty moment. Eileen Davidson and Arianne Zucker went for it, and it paid off. They both brought the bitchiness and delusions that make each character Must-See-TV. I'll repeat this one, "I'll look forward to another round soon!" And I'm pretty sure I'm going to get that wish.

Kristen is not going to like Nicole being so, um, supportive of Brady. Methinks Eric will have issues with their bonding, too. Yet I'm on the fence about it. I never disliked Brady and Nicole together. I dig their friendship and always believed in their attraction to one another, too. Ultimately, they're just using one another to forget their problems. I could think of worse ways to spend an afternoon, so Godspeed kids, and for goodness sakes, use protection.

But Brady and Nicole knocking boots leaves the door open for a whole lot of juicy drama, and Kristen is bound to show up with an arsenal of revenge tools. Just what is in that little black box Mr. Mystery Man showed up with? Since Bernardi didn't finish his mission, it's safe to assume it's not Rafe Jr. in there. So what is it? Another straight razor, or perhaps a set of false teeth? I don't know, but I'm eager to find out!

One thing is for sure: each week I love Kristen a little more. She's committed to her craziness. Even after going round after round with her foes, she still felt wronged and is planning revenge. If Eileen Davidson wasn't so spectacular, this storyline would flop, but she manages to add layers to Kristen's psychotic hot mess, and I'm eating up every minute of her performances. More, please!

As for Marlena, I have one thing to say -- you go, girl! Sorry, Jarlena fans, but John got what he deserved. He's been a royal douche despite his, uh, good intentions. Nope. I'm not a John fan right now. He needs an attitude adjustment. At the very least, I hope Marlena's slap knocked some sense into him. I'm only surprised Brady didn't deck him, too.

Interestingly enough, breaking up with John has helped return Marlena to the savvy Doc Evans I actually enjoy watching. She's been spunkier, more supportive, and all-around smarter since not running around after John, whimpering and ringing her black-glove clad hands. Yep, Mar Mar's getting her groove back. I like it. I like it a lot.

And if you can't believe I wrote two entire paragraphs praising Ms. Marlena, hold on to your seats -- I'm about to write another one! I enjoyed that she's pledging to be there for Sami. It's about time! Granted, she's been stressed out lately, so maybe she's a little confused and thinks she's supporting Carrie, Belle, or even the postman, but I'll take it. Marlena and Sami actually working together could be made of win.

Ironically, Sami is in a no-win situation. Lady's a cop killa. Well, a dirty detective killa, but I'm pretty sure that's the same thing. In any event, she's in hot water and has to rely on the Salem P.D. to solve the caper of the missing knife thingy. Oh, boy. I'll preheat the oven now and throw the file in the cake mix.

Whereas I have some praise and some hesitations about this storyline, I have a question first: Why didn't Sami simply scream, "Hey, you, stop that!" instead of getting all trigger-happy? Sure, she stated that he could have attacked her, too, but still, lady had a gun. I repeat, "A gun!" All Bernardi had was a Sweeney Todd-esque straight razor? That's basically a prop from a musical -- like a singing teacup, or a can of hairspray. She had the upper hand, and I know she's handy with a gun. Yep, Eej is right. Sami often acts before she thinks. I guess that's part of her charm.

Unfortunately, this storyline isn't going to be so charming if Sami slaying Bernardi to protect Rafe and Rafe Jr. is a tool to reunite Safe and/or break up EJami. So far, I'm remaining confident that they'll be okay. She declared E.J. is the man she wants to be with, and he's fully committed to standing beside her. So, assuming EJami will make it through mostly unscathed, I'm intrigued by this storyline. It has a lot of the cast involved, and it's already doing wonders for Sami and Marlena's relationship. See, ladies, all you needed was a little murder to reignite that mother/daughter bond. So, let's hear it for the girls.

LOOSE ENDS: Brady had a chat with his stepbrother, Father Eric. Little Black admitted to being a jerk, an idiot, and stupid, as well as easily losing his temper. Oh, sorry. I wasn't going to argue with him. But I will say when he said, "Now, I gotta hug you," I smiled. Yay for stepbrotherly bonding! Methinks this won't last long.

Yet whereas Eric and Brady bonded, Eric and Nicole unbonded a bit. He called her cold and insensitive. Perhaps Ms. Nikki could have used more discretion, but Eric annoyed me a tad with that comment. Nicole was there to support him with her special brand of Nicole support. He knows her. He knows that's how she rolls. Not that he has to forgive her for everything she does, but, wait! He does. He's the padre. So, calm down, Eric. It will be okay.

Oh, sweet baby carrots! Gabi is moving in with Will and Sonny. This could be fun, or this could be disastrous. I couldn't help but to think how long will it be before she becomes infatuated with one of them? Be careful, boys.

Speaking of infatuation, doesn't Abigail have more to do than apologize to Dr. Dan? Props to her for feeling sorry, but she needs to let Jennifer and J.J. sort this out. Perhaps I'm just a little grumpy. I was hoping we'd get a little Chad/Abigail time last week. They're a lot more interesting to watch than her yelling at J.J...again.

Why is it that Dr. Dude sounds like a stoner, and Jennifer acts like she's on drugs, when J.J.'s the real pothead of the group? These people hurt my head. I'm trying to get invested, but I'm having a hard time. Maybe I just need to be stoned to appreciate them. Finally, seeing Jennifer take on a room of rowdy reporters only made me miss her vintage spunk more. I understand that she wants to tread lightly with J.J., but she needs to channel her inner Alice Horton and give the boy some tough love. He certainly doesn't have to like Dr. Dan, but doing and selling drugs isn't cool. Just ask Nancy Reagan. Sadly, we seem to have Jennifer-Lite who's bowing down to Dr. Dan and overlooking J.J.'s shadiness. Yep, I miss her vintage investigative reporter spunk. I'd ask the Salem P.D. to put out an APB for Old Jen, but it would probably be more efficient if I looked myself.

HOT See, Mar Mar took off those black gloves and I'm giving her a "Hot!" Well, okay, it wasn't because she took off the gloves, it was because she took off her proverbial gloves with John. I'm thrilled that she had the self-respect to walk away from him. I know it probably wasn't easy for her, but by taking a small step away from John, she took a big step for Marlenakind. Welcome back to the cool kids table, Doc.

NOT I'm worried about Stefano. He's a career criminal. He's had some entertaining vicious plans for vengeance over the years, but "cutting it off" is a little, well, ick. More so, he wanted a souvenir!? Seriously, Steffie? What is he going to do with Rafe Jr., stuff and mount it on the wall like a deer head, or perhaps add it to a charm bracelet? Use it as a bookend? Dress it up like people dress up stuffed squirrels and take pictures of it on holidays? Oh, oh! Perhaps a wine cork. In any event, it's sort of making Stefano seem a little -- and by "a little," I mean a lot -- out there, and not in a fun kind of way. Alas, he's leaving town again. He should not -- I repeat not -- be kept out of Salem for too long. It's not the same without him. But here's to hoping when he comes back, he returns as more vintage Phoenix and less Lorena Bobbitt Stefano.

LINE OF THE WEEK Marlena (to John, regarding his plan to sleep with Kristen in order to save Brady): "Taking one for the team, huh?"

EXCHANGE OF THE WEEK Kristen: "You want to have it out? I'm sorry, I can't. I find you so utterly and completely boring, Sami." Sami: "What did you do to my brother!?" Kristen: "Check out Facebook. It probably went viral."

RANDOM THOUGHTS Johnny Potsmoker and Smoky McPot, whoops! I meant J.J. and Rory are like a stupid '90s stoner movie -- good for a few laughs, but ultimately a little unnecessary.

I really wanted Peter Blake to be the "he" Kristen and Stefano kept referencing.

Gee, Gabi didn't seem too afraid of Sami "She-Devil" Brady last week. I guess she's had a change of tune without a bigot whispering in her ear.

Whatever happened to the leaf in Anne's hair? That was never explained.

I'm surprised Stefano was carrying his own bags.

I'm sorry, dear Lexie, and I know he's your bother, but Cameron should come with the warning label, "May cause drowsiness."

Maxine took Tiny Timmy for frozen yogurt. Lucky kid! Well, except for the dead dirty detective daddy thingy.

More Marlena and Kate scenes? Yes, please!

Rory seems to be the T to J.J.'s Will. I'll give Rory some credit. He does pull out some zingers, but I'd be happier seeing Brendan Coughlin as T more often. He had zingers and charm (sans that bigotry phase). Plus, T needs to meet Arianna Grace.

I couldn't figure out who Marge Bernardi reminded me of more -- Marisa Tomei, Annabeth Gish, or Mary Louise Parker.

I really loved Brady's dark grey hoodie.

Shouldn't Stefano have wiped the blade of his prints, and shouldn't Bernardi have worn gloves? I mean, come on, guys! Where did you learn to commit crimes? Oh, wait. They would have been fine. I forgot the Salem P.D.'s track record.

Why I love Kristen Example 5,651: She's one part delusional, one part overly confident, and one part rotten. Which all equals win!

PARTING THOUGHTS So, friends and fellow DAYS fans, that's Two Scoops for the week of June 17! As summer is about to get hot and heavy, so are Laurisa and I. Well, our blogs, at least! We have something sinfully big planned. Find out what on June 21st! And "That's a fact!"

As always, thanks for reading! Tony

Need more Two Scoops? Head over to read blogs by Laurisa or Tony for more ranting, raving, and all-out randomness

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