Queen Bees and wannabes

The claws were out in Salem last week as several sassy schemers slipped on their battle gear to wage war on their enemies. Read this week's Two Scoops to find out who came out on top and whose schemes simply sucked. Plus, Billie bid Salem adieu, Sonny said hello to a former would-be flame, and E.J. and Sami heated things up by finally reconciling!

For me, not even Rafe and all his Rafeness can ruin a week that began with a Kristen vs. Nicole catfight and ended with an EJami reconciliation! Oh, he tried, but I won this round. In fact, there were a lot of fights fought last week, but I'm not confident that all of our favorite schemers are prepared for battle. Some of them are total queen bees, while others are simply wannabes. So, let's put on our announcer headsets and black and white stripped referee shirts to examine all the action!

KRISTEN vs. NICOLE Oh, hell yes! These two going to war is fantastic. I could watch Eileen Davidson and Arianne Zucker going head-to-head all day, but just don't ask me to pick sides. I don't think I could. But there's enough space in my bad girl-loving heart for both Kristen and Nicole. And ultimately, they're both survivors, so they'll be just fine despite who wins in the end.

My only complaint is that the turnaround was so fast. I absolutely adored that Nicole went to bat for bestie Brady and his family, but she hatched a scheme, executed said scheme, and was busted for it in a few short days. Nicole might be a little rusty after her time in the convent, but I wanted to see more of this duo duking it out. Instead, we got a quick reveal and Brady being Mr. Pouty Cranky Pants with his now former friend.

Luckily, I know Nicole. She doesn't give up easily. Then again, neither does Kristen. So, if Ms. DiMera has actually penciled Nicole's name on her revenge list, I might get my wish of more fighting between them. Yeah, yep, and sure -- that would be okay with me!

CHLOE vs. JENNIFER Oh, my dog! Can someone please wake me when Chloe comes up with an interesting plan to steal Dr. Dan from Jennifer? I mean, really. She's kind of stuck in Schemer 101, even after all of these years of battling with Kate and Nicole. Have they taught her nothing? Maybe she should rely on Anne to be the brains, and she could be the bra brawn.

In general, someone trying to snag Dr. Dan from someone else is kind of tired. Chloe's attempts are no exception. Her methods are used and abused more than my patience during a Rafe scene. And really? Parker's going to need Dr. Dad because he was crying? He probably bumped his head on the infant playpen they have his two-plus-year-old body crammed into. I'm right there with you, Parks and Recreation, I want to cry right now, too.

BILLIE vs. SALEM I hope everyone is sitting down. I don't know how to say this, so I'll just come right out with the news. Billie has left Salem. I know. I know. How can DAYS lose such a central character who's in the middle of so many hot storylines? I don't know. She was like the hourglass in the opening credits. Like Horton Town Square. Like Rafe's ego. How will the show survive without her!?

Oh, wait! I was talking about Billie Reed. Nevermind. She left to take a job in Europe. By that, I mean she left because she couldn't sit shotgun while Kate schemed to take down her enemies. Sure, I get that. I'm all for removing the negative and accentuating the positive. So, I respect Billie's decision to find a healthier place to be, which is more respect than the writers have given such a tenured character. Yes, I went there. Good luck in Europe, Billie, and tell Chelsea we said 'ello!

KATE vs. NICK I love you, Ms. Roberts-DiMera! I do. I want her to attack Nick with every trick in her arsenal. I want his prison stint to look like a daytrip to an amusement park compared to working for Kate. Whereas some of Kate's schemes are crazy, Nick is crazy, so right off the bat, Kate has the non-insane advantage. I have no doubt she could crush him in the long run. So, go there, Kate. Go there! Do it for everyone who's annoyed with Nick right now. I'd gladly thank you by getting you another blue streak for your hair. And you're welcome!

NICK vs. WILL I'm really not sure why Nick is hell-bent on besting Will. From what I've seen, Gabi is okay with them all living in perfect harmony. Nick? Not so much. He wants to destroy "Gay Boy." I can understand that after all the shady things Will has done to him. I mean, Will thanked him repeatedly for letting him be at the ultrasound and hugged him! What a jerk that Will is. Oh, wait! Nope, Will really hasn't done anything to Nick other than not give Nick exactly what he wants. For shame! Then again, it would totally suck for Baby Girl Hernandez-Horton to have a ton of people that love her around, so Nick's probably right -- he and Gabi will be the only ones the baby needs.

At this point, Nick really needs to sit down with Mar Mar and have his head shrunk. He probably won't do that, unfortunately. My remaining hope is that someone like, say, Hope, who likes being a buttinsky, sits him down for a talk and uses her keen detective skills to realize Nick is as unstable as Jan Brady after someone calls Marcia beautiful. Here's to hoping, anyway.

WILL vs. BRIAN And Brain's back! Or as Laurisa appropriately dubbed him, "Hottie McBlueEyes." I have to give it to the guy. He certainly keeps up with the Salem gossip mill. He swooped in to snag Sonny in a hot second.

The truth is, Sonny is single, but he's not ready to mingle. Whereas shacking up with someone when wronged by someone else is Soap 101, it was a nice change of pace to see a character think before, um, I'll let you all fill in that blank. Besides, Sonny's known for his respectfulness and level-headedness. I'm glad he stayed true to his character. I also like that he was tempted to "have some wine" with a hottie, but realized he wasn't emotionally ready for that particular bottle of Merlot. I don't know if that made sense, but let's go with it and move on.

However, I think there's a little deceitfulness behind Brian's baby blues. Hmm! This could get interesting. Brian seemed to enjoy gloating to Will. He didn't quite have the Kristen DiMera look over the shoulder and smirk look, but he didn't seem too upset by the devastated look on Will's face. I repeat, "This could get interesting!"

GABI vs. COMMON SENSE Seriously, if Salem U offered classes in Common Sense, I'd personally pay for Gabi to take them, and even the tutoring she'll need to pass them. The fact is, she's not really malicious, she's just lacking in the brains department, especially when it comes to men. What Hope said about Chloe's bad choices when it comes to landing a man could easily -- very easily -- apply to Gabi. That is: people got hurt because of Chloe's weakness. Um, yes and yes! Gabi and Chloe are like two beautiful peas in a big dumb pod. Methinks I should pay for the Chlomiester's classes, too. Yep. I'm a giver like that.

To end with something nice to say, I will give Yo Gabi Gabba a little credit last week for trying to incorporate Will into the baby's life. Giving him the sonogram picture was kind, and the delighted look on his face was all shades of adorable. I'm glad she remembered they are/were besties. I just feel bad that Will and Gabi, for that matter, are so nave about Nick, and I will reserve my right to take back said smidgen of kindness for Gabi once Nick's craziness becomes apparent to her and she picks sides. Yet, I'm not holding my breath that she'll make a wise choice. Gabi and good decisions are like Chloe and, well, good decisions. They just don't happen very often. Whoops! So much for ending with something nice to say. Sorry, Gabs.

E.J. and SAMI Okay. Okay. Okay! I feel like Brady right now. All of my loved ones are warning me not to get too excited about things, but I can't help it. E.J. and Sami finally -- and I do mean finally -- are making an honest go at a relationship! Yes, yes, and yes, please!

In the interest of full disclosure, it's hard to swoon while waiting for the other shoe to fall, but I'm going to try the optimistic Scotch glass half full approach and enjoy the victory drink as long as it lasts. And given the current writers' need for quick turnaround, I'm sure it won't be long. But that doesn't negate the awesomeness of EJami at the moment.

Throughout the highs and awful, cringe-worthy, terrible lows, I've rooted for this couple ever since E.J. was simply Sami's hunky, ex-racecar driver next door neighbor. They had chemistry then and still do. Oodles of it! So, I'll bite, writers. I'll celebrate this victory for the time being. Don't disappoint me!

It's actually rather refreshing that these two have made the decision to be together without anything or anyone else influencing their choice. There wasn't any blackmailing, guns being pointed, fits of passion due to emotions being in overdrive, or, again, blackmailing. Oh, oh! And Sami admitted that she was desperate for her family's approval before, and part of her being with Rafe was because of that, but not now - now she wants E.J., and that's that. Ultimately, they aired their dirty laundry, shared their feelings, expressed their concerns, and decided to go for it. Um, again, yes, please! I loved every minute of their honest conversations.

My only gripe is this -- where the heck were the EJami flashbacks!? When Safe reunited after being apart for a week, we got a medley of their, ugh, best moments. E.J. and Sami have been playing cat and mouse since 2006. Granted, it's been in a more of the Tom and Jerry variety of cat and mouse, as in let's blow each other up, but I digress. I'm just saying now that they are finally a legit-for-them couple, a few flashbacks would have been a nice touch, kind of like bringing a bundt cake to a new neighbor.

LOOSE ENDS: I must have unknowingly taken a nice pill, or I'm just drunk on Scotch EJami, because I felt bad for Marlena last week. She's a hot mess right now, and I'm not finding as much satisfaction in that as I thought I would. I actually wanted to give her a hug and ensure everything would be okay. Then again, Eric's doing a good job at comforting her, so maybe that takes the heat off of me. Whew! Mar/Tony rivalry reactivated!

If Brady and Nicole made up sooner rather than later, that would be okay with me. As much as I love Nicole sparring with Kristen, I will miss Brady and Nicole as friends if this tiff goes on. Plus, poor Brady will need everyone around when he realizes he's been played. Whoops! Sorry, Brady! I didn't mean to insult Kristen -- don't kick me out of your life, too!

I usually like Hope and Jennifer scenes, but Hope should spend more time worrying about where the heck Invisi-Bo is and less time about Jennifer's love life. After all, Jen was pretty much ready to move on as soon as Jack's body hit the six feet under mark. Oh, and Hope should just shut the door and pretend she's not in when Rafe comes a knockin'. Hope already struggles with her own bouts of annoyingness and doesn't need Rafe's to rub off on her. Sorry for the tough love, Fancy Face, but I gotta have your back now that Bo is...is...oh, right, visiting Shawn-D and fam. Got it!

I'm not a prude. At all. But I do think the writers should come up with some new words to replace "bitch" and "gay boy." The first is royally overused, and the latter seems a little bit silly coming from a certified mad scientist genius like Nick. Can't he come up with something better? Then again, bigotry usually clouds one's common sense, but I digress. We should have a contest to come up with some new insults, or better yet, have Victor teach a lesson in snark like Sophia Petrillo did in the last episode of The Golden Girls! The answer is C) Howler Monkeys!

HOT (Part 1) E.J. claimed he waited six years to be with Sami. Yeah. So did countless EJami fans! I don't know how long this ride will last, but since we've made it through the long, winding line to the roller-coaster, let's just strap ourselves in the cart and scream our heads off with excitement!

HOT (Part 2) I'm still not entirely sure why Billie was brought back, but I have to give Lisa Rinna credit. She made a feast out of scraps. Despite short scenes, random pop-ups, and dropped storylines, Lisa faced it all with a steadfast gusto that was sincerely appreciated. Best of luck to Lisa, and thank you for bringing Billie home to Salem once again!

NOT Well, dear Billie, at least you didn't plummet down an elevator shaft, or lapse into a Jan-Spears-esque coma. And you're not Rafe. Oh! And you won't perpetually be in the proverbial "other room" with Bo and Stephanie. Um, there's that.

LINE OF THE WEEK Brady (to Dr. Dan): "If Kristen and Nicole went to war, look out, Salem!"

EXCHANGE OF THE WEEK Already annoyed that Chloe is staying with him, Victor finds Nicole visiting... Victor: "Why the hell do I pay Henderson, anyway? Stumbling over people I despise in my own living room should not be a daily occurrence." Brady: "Maybe if you didn't despise half of the town, it wouldn't be such a problem." Victor: "Well, maybe if I didn't have to take in such unsavory boarders I'd have a rosier disposition." Brady: "That's doubtful." Dr. Dan: "Sorry."

RANDOM THOUGHTS I'd have a hard time telling you a reason Justin isn't amazing if you asked me right now. I think we need to see more of him. And by "more," I mean a lot more!

Chandler Massey is amazing at pulling off that timid happiness look! Every time Will gushed about the baby I just wanted to give him a hug.

I was a little disappointed that Brian resorted to smooth jazz to seduce Sonny. I expected more from him.

Did anyone else notice the Horton Town Square extra in the vintage jacket? I have that jacket! I want to challenge him to a game of "Who wore it better!?" Wait. Maybe I don't.

Shut your mouth, writers! I'm worried that Sami stated she was going clothes shopping for Baby Oopsie. Then again, most newborns look good in leather and black lace.

Brian's apartment looked nothing like the apartment in Nicole's Dr. Dan daydreams, and Hope's office looks nothing like Marlena's. Nothing. Nothing, I tell you!

When Chloe said she was "silly like a fox," I just wanted to grab her hand and say, "Oh, no, sweetie. No, you're not."

Um, couldn't two-plus-year-old Parker just step over the walls of the playpen?

I'm not too proud to admit I kind of want to see Dr. Dan's Scooby-Doo impression.

Well, howdy there, Roman. See you in a few weeks for your next scene!

Oh, nice! I liked Sonny's jacket.

Why I love Kristen, Example 5,642: When she answers the door and discovers an enemy behind it, she welcomes them with an "Ew, gross." Hysterical!

PARTING THOUGHTS So, friends and fellow DAYS fans, that's Two Scoops for the week of February 4! I'm off to celebrate Punxsutawney Phil's great news that an early spring is on the way by shoveling the sidewalks. But don't worry, Laurisa is on deck for next week and ready to referee the latest catfights in Salem! And, "That's a fact!"

As always, thanks for reading! Tony

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