The new testament

DAYS celebrated its 12,000th episode with a great Friday cliffhanger! Who's ready to cheer on Chad? Who wants to have a martini with Chloe and Nicole? And, just what is up with Rafe? Find out more in this week's Two Scoops.

Did you hear all of the good news? The lingering dream that OLTL and AMC will finally find their way to the Internet came true. The absolute embarrassment of riches continued to rain down on GH with the return of Laura -- yes, as in Luke and Laura! YR gained the ber talented Steve Burton. And the execs at NBC said that our very own DAYS isn't going anywhere. BOOM! It's a fresh start! So, let's see whose life will be different in Salem.

CHLOE Chloe arrived back in Salem in an amazing fur coat, looking as breathtakingly beautiful as ever. But she wasn't all tight dresses and spectacular highlights. Nope. She had real news. Daniel is Parker's daddy. For real. Here's the short version:

1. Biological father = Daniel
2. Unbeknownst to anyone, Stephanie's computer genius friend, Ian, switched the test results to Phillip because Ian wanted Stephanie to be single. Stephanie saw the results and flipped out because she thought that Melanie would leave Phillip, and then Nathan would leave Stephanie to go back to Melanie, proving that Ian's plan was right on track all along. Always trust computer geeks with long hair, right?
3. Caroline, because she's a volunteer in the billing department (just go with it), saw Ian's altered test results and changed them to Daniel -- in part to help Stephanie and in part because she didn't think a baby should be raised as a Kiriakis. (Yeah, still no explanation for that motive.) She had no idea that the tests had already been changed once.
4. Pressure from Kayla forced Caroline to confess to switching the results. No one thought that anyone other than Caroline had tampered with the test results, so they all believed that Phillip was the father. Chloe, Phillip, and Parker moved to Chicago. Nathan went to Baltimore. And Stephanie got a whole lot of yelled at.
5. Ian entered a 12-step program and came clean about the original switch, making Daniel Parker's father. Stephanie told Chloe. Chloe and Phillip had a DNA test done outside of Salem. (Smart move, kids!) The rest played out on-screen.
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Whew! That storyline would have been a great one to play out on-screen if only Melanie, Nathan, Stephanie, Phillip, Ian, and Chloe were still on the show! This proves that these writers do know how to tell a good, soapy storyline! For that, I'm happy.

However, while a little Kate is never a bad thing, the Chloe/Kate feud is hardly a fair fight. I'm not thrilled to see that return. And it seemed like Chloe was still using Kate and Vivian's manipulation as a way to let herself off the hook for her own very stupid decisions. I'm not down with that, Chloemeister.

But, I loved Chloe's awesome friendships with Brady and Nicole, the latter of which could prove very helpful when trying to woo Jennifer away from Daniel. Sure, it's weird that Nicole was just cray-cray for Daniel a few weeks ago, but that's beside the point. I just like friend Nicole very much, and it's nice to see her in another setting.

Besides, lessons learned in "What Not to Do" are always a plus. And these two are at their cackling best when uniting over a common enemy. If Chloe's going to have a shot at getting Daniel back, she's going to need to recruit some help to distract Jennifer. I don't think Anne "I get crabby because someone takes a day off to attend a family wedding" Millbower is the answer. Perhaps Nicole can call up her BFF, Rafe?

MARLENA and JOHN Let me start out by saying that I loved watching John and Marlena fight. So much John and Marlena is the smooshey-face-cuddle-bear stuff that it was great to see Drake and Dee given something different to play. And, boy, did they shine!

Both characters made very valid points. I don't care how neurotic Marlena was acting before, there is an unwritten rule in relationships that partners are supposed to be on the same side. John doesn't get a choice to be objective when it comes to Marlena, and to some extent, there's no excuse for someone being objective when it comes to Kristen! John let his guard down around Kristen way too soon. Marlena has absolutely every right to be hurt and angry.

However, I can't quite go all the way to say that justifies her keeping this secret from John. It's sort of a two-wrongs-don't-make-a-right situation here. Plus, all of Marlena's previous accusations were circumstantial. This time she had solid proof. She could have at least confronted Brady and urged him to tell John. But she didn't.

Be it out of payback or self-preservation, the bottom line is that Marlena kept information about John's child from him. So, yeah, the screaming was extreme. But, I have a hard time believing that if John kept something this big about Eric or Will from Marlena that she'd take it well either.

But, and it's a big BUT, John and Marlena should not break over this. They've literally battled demons way worse that Kristen. If John wants to spend a night or so away to clear his head, fine. Anything much more than that and I'll have a problem.

WILL, NICK, and GABI Truth? Trying to support any of these bozos right now is pretty rough.

No doubt, my boy Will let Gabi and Nick get into his head. But as a result, he made the wrong decision. While I sure as heck would like to, I can't put all of the blame on Nick and Gabi. Will's not helping himself at all right now. If he even tries to stop Chad from talking, I might have to jump through my TV and hold him down.

Next, there's Saint Nicholas. Earlier this week, I took to my blog to express my outrage over Nick's character assassination. I mean, the guy can't even remember that this is his second wedding! It would take way too long to list the rest of his lunacy to date, so I'm not even going to try. What I would like to point out is that Nick's contact with Mad World forbids Kate from firing him for a full year. Oh, how I am going to love watching Kate torture him when she learns what he did to Will! (Aside -- Can I just gush for a minute about how much I loved Rafe and Nick together? A bark of joy came up from my soul when Nick whipped out his Gabi Spread Sheet of Happiness. This was the first I recognized adorkable Nick since he's been back. And the "you're an idiot" look that Rafe usually reserves for Sami was endearing here! Can Nick get a job on the police force? He and Rafe would be hilarious partners! Sort of DAYS' version of GH's Jason and Spinelli! -- End of Aside)

That leaves Gabi. It's not that Gabi is vicious. It's that she's a very toxic mix of wimpy, scared, and plain ol' dumb. I didn't understand how Gabi could let Sami bend over backwards and not feel a shred of guilt for keeping Sami's grandchild from her. It puzzled me that Gabi is such a proponent of a "traditional family" when she seemed perfectly happy being raised by her siblings. And, it infuriates me that this is the second time that she's done nothing while some crazy fellow runs over people she supposedly cares about. Not cool, Gabs. Although, you looked radiant in your Princess Kate-style wedding dress, and I loved that you used your formal name during the ceremony. It was very soap-posh!

CHAD Let's hear it for the return of the Friday cliffhanger! Confronting your nemesis in a church filled with everyone they love truly is a grand soap tradition.

The sticker is that Gabi never named the father when Chad was following her. So, he can either claim the baby is his (which would open up a lot of soapy possibilities), assume that the baby was Andrew's (because they worked so closely together on Mel's kidnapping), or just leave it up to Gabi to fill in the blank.

Whichever way it goes, I'm just glad that Gabi is finally going face the music. Her character needs to be redeemed and she can't do that without some public humiliation. I'm not being cruel, that's just how soaps work. Ask Sami or Nicole.

I did wish that E.J. was at the wedding to back up his brother. Chad hasn't quite transitioned from cocky punk to calm DiMera yet and he could've used some backup. Then again, his always-calm bestie, Sonny, was sitting just a few rows away. And the increased number of Sonny/Chad scenes solidified this friendship, which I absolutely adore! So, good job all around, Chadsworth!

SAMI and RAFE I can see how the idea of Salem's bad girl settling down with the top cop seemed like a good idea. But it's sort of like when I delude myself into thinking that I can handle watching a scary movie or ride one of those amusement park rides that spins so fast you stick to the wall. In both cases, there are proven instances of failure and they should not be attempted again.

So, I don't understand why the writers are going to give us another flop attempt to pair Sami with Sir Smugsalot. The only thing that makes this time different is that Rafe strutted around Salem like he was Danny Zuko. I half expected him to break out, "Ehhh...Well that's cool, Sami...you know how it is...rockin' and rollin' and what not." Um, not. I'm going to choose not.

I'm also still wondering who or what this new Sami is. Sami didn't return either Rafe's or E.J.'s declaration of love. Instead, she looked up at both of them with those pouty eyes and said nothing. But saying nothing has never been an option for Sami Gene. Just ask...

BRADY and KRISTEN I would never accuse Sami of being one of the great orators of all time, but it took her all of about five seconds to nail Kristen's plan. It made perfect sense, too, since this is the same Sami who fooled a lot of people by pretending to have an extended bout with amnesia. How delicious would it be for Sami to slip right back into scheme mode and take on Kristen at her own game?

For proof, take a gander at this little beauty of an exchange: Kristen: This from the woman who tried to sell her baby sister. Sami: Yeah, just imagine what I'm willing to do to people I don't like. I swear, Eileen and Alison are made of win together!

Oh yes, Brady was there too. Maybe it's Kristen's general awesomeness that rubs off on everyone in this storyline because I'm not ready to write him off just yet. Sure, Kristen is playing him like an Xbox over Christmas break, but that doesn't mean that Brady's feelings aren't real. I sort of dig that he tends to look for the good in people and loves out loud. There are worse things a soap leading man could do. And, with all of those people lining up in Brady's corner, he could be okay at the end of all this.

LOOSE ENDS: I adored that Maggie pointed out that Victor is still "grandpa" to little Parker. I don't mind anything that gives attention to this couple.

Will is almost closer in age to his parents than his siblings. So I liked that the dynamic between the three of them was so mutually supportive last week. Sami and Will were thrilled for each other's happiness. And I appreciated the comments Lucas made about the injustice of Will not being able to marry. Yay for all three of them!

Hang on there, Chloemeister. You had to "suck up to Phillip" just to see your own son? From the sounds of that, it almost seemed like you weren't a prostitute and Phillip wasn't one of your longest and dearest friends who forgave you for that.

I can't say much about the calamity of errors that was Jennifer trying to leave for her date with Daniel, except -- yay for Billie and Lucas getting screen time!

Will accepted Sonny's invitation to move in. They may hide major secrets from each other, but at least they move too fast! Wait a minute...

There's got to be something better for Hope to do than declare that the fact that Rafe and Sami were back together was proof that there is a God. Might this be a good time to bring up the fact that Salem is still without a mayor?

HOT What else? DAYS aired its 12,000th episode on Friday, January 11, 2013! And, Maggie thanked us for watching! You're so welcome, Big Red! We love you too!

Also, happy anniversary to the lovely Alison Sweeney! January 6, 2013, marked her 20th year on DAYS. Here's to 20 more!

NOT I'm not entirely digging this Stepford E.J. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad he's not running around town, shooting and kidnapping people. But he seems to be trying too hard to be understanding of Sami's every little whim. That intoxicating confidence that dances just on the edge of danger is missing. Just like Sami doesn't need to change to be with E.J., he doesn't need to change to be with her. They should be together because they can be the truest form of themselves together (and yeah, that's not always pretty) and not judge each other for it.

LINE OF THE WEEK Jennifer: "Those suede heels are too tight!" Abigail: "You look gorgeous in them! Good lord, where are your priorities?" Preach it, Abigail!

RANDOM THOUGHTS Sami's black/pink/white combo was almost as stunning as her wedding dress. And I'm totally trying that chic wedding updo! Yay for returning Sami to bombshell status in 2013!

Is there a force on earth that could resist Johnny's "pleeeeeaaaase" face? Forget about it. Also, a Parker/Johnny play date would be cuteness overload.

With Cameron at Common Grounds, Daniel at home, and Kayla at the pub, who was watching the hospital? Oh, that's right. I bet Phillip and Bo were.

Was someone going to call Dario about this wedding, or should I just text my partner Tony and have him do it?

Yes, Kayla, you did raise a daughter who is manipulative and insecure. If you'd kept up with your Two Scoops reading, you would have known that five years ago. Seriously, we're here to help you!

What exactly are the odds that Chloe and Daniel would produce a blond, blue-eyed boy?

Hey Jen -- for some of us, having a glass of wine and reading a magazine is a sign that everything is right! In semi-related thoughts, I really hope that Abigail hid that wine glass behind her back because she's not supposed to have drinks in the Horton living room and not because she didn't want Jennifer to see it.

HA! I loved that in the middle of the Brady/Black family explosion, Kristen's real drama was that she chipped a nail! Her "Are you kidding me?!" was all shades of hilarious.

If the show needed a horrific, judgmental Horton, why not just bring Jeremy back for Gabi?

With Parker back in the Simmons/Jonas/Lane family tree, he is the only available suitor for little Claire Brady, should she ever return to Salem. Thanks to her Brady, DiMera, Horton, and Kiriakis roots, she is related to practically everyone in Salem.

I wish that Sami had detached her face from Rafe long enough to exchange pleasantries with Lucas. With both Will and Allie in the wedding, an adorable family picture of the four of them might have been nice. Just an idea.

Daniel's really got to get a handle on these surprise family members. First Melanie, then Maggie, and now Parker. He better buy a few Christmas gifts throughout the year, just to be safe.

PSA for the column: Letting your girl ramble on about how she must be a racist usually isn't the best courtship tactic, gentlemen.

DANKIES: You've heard what Tony and I have to say about the best and worst of 2012, now it's your turn! Cast your vote in the Soap Central Dankies and let us know what you loved and hated from DAYS in 2012.

With that, I'll turn things back over to Tony. He has some time on his hands since it looks like he doesn't need to finish setting up that chocolate fountain at the reception. So he, along with you, can start pondering these questions: Doesn't Daniel already know that Chloe was a prostitute, since she was one of Gus "I only cut hookers" Pascal's victims? Am I the only one who doesn't feel that Brady's family has had their say on the Kirsten situation until Victor weighs in? Do you know how to tie a bow tie? Most importantly, how are you going to celebrate the renewal? Click here to share your thoughts with me.

Need more Two Scoops? Head over to read blogs by Laurisa or Tony for more ranting, raving and all out randomness

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