All you're ever gonna be is mean

Those wishing to kill Stefano should now take a number and get in line. Ropes, candlesticks, wrenches, knives, lead pipes and revolvers are all available in the foyer of the DiMera mansion. Find out more in this week's Two Scoops.

As Hope's scrapbook pointed out, the one constant over the last thirty years -- the only real truth that we can cling to -- is that Stefano DiMera is responsible for it. (Note, "it" can represent anything that you'd like. Currently, I'm blaming him for my bad hair day and lack of motivation to work out. Try it! It's fun!)

Yes, I'm fairly certain that Stefano is heading for some sort of disaster. Something (okay, it's Marlena) is telling me that this time is going to be different than all the other times before. Besides, what would Sweeps be without a little murder plot between friends?

STEFANO I knew right away that Stefano's arrest wouldn't stick. Everyone was way too confident when scolding him. But I was shocked at the lightning fast speed with which he was released and the completely bogus explanation as to why Stefano is untouchable for this crime and all others within at least a twelve-month radius.

You see, he's been working for the CIA in exchange for complete immunity. But don't worry. He was doing it for the greater good. He decided to fight terrorism by buying up all of the illegal firearms so that they wouldn't fall into the hands of U.S. enemies. In related news, I'm going to do my part to prevent underage drinking by consuming all of the wine in the world so there's none left for the kids. No need to thank me.

The writers seemed to be hinting at some dropped storylines. We still don't know who the heck Yvette is, nor what happen with Alice's small African fortune. But, for now, it seems like we're going to put those things on the back burner and round up everyone and their split personality who would like to take a shot at the big fella.

John bought a paper bag that came with a gun and did not throw either away like he promised Marlena. He's a trained assassin. We all remember this, right?

Hope started hearing John's voice in her sleep and shot up in bed, vowing to keep Stefano away. The last time she got this mad at a dude, she started wearing red lipstick and clocking people over the head.

Marlena, worried about John's bag, vowed that she would deal with Stefano herself. Considering she's the only one who's actually managed to take down the Phoenix in the past, I'd say that she has the best chance.

Abe got confirmation that there were cancer-causing fumes in that tunnel. Stefano still claims that Andres did it. Abe still claims not to accept that explanation. Good for you, Abe!

E.J. was still miffed about Stefano taking all of the money that E.J. stole from John. Stefano responded with basically "finders keepers, losers weepers," which made E.J. even more red. It's a shame. If you can't trust your crime lord pseudo-father, then is there any hope for the rest of the world? Just what am I supposed to believe in now?

MAGGIE and VICTOR With Stefano and Ian cornering the market on bad guys, Victor had to have some sort of other drama in his life. So, the writers (who forgot that John is a DiMera and that Austin actually raised Will) decided to bring up Maggie's missing eggs. Super.

For the record, Maggie and Victor didn't know each other when Victor took Maggie's eggs; and, he admitted that he wouldn't have cared if he did. He'd still do the same thing to help out his friends. I'm torn on this one. On one hand, I love that Victor is fiercely loyal to the people that he loves. On the other hand, I appreciate that Maggie feels utterly violated, and Victor is the only one alive left to blame.

However, I don't agree with Maggie's assertion that Victor hasn't changed. This is huge for Victor. He told her the truth about something that he utterly did not have to. He could have kept on lying about this quite easily.

So, I'm not mad at Maggie for not going home with Victor. But, I will throw a Two Scoops-sized tantrum if Maggie and Victor don't patch things up. The way he matched her snark on her way up Mount Superior (be honest, she does do that from time to time) was proof positive that these two should remain together. Victor keeps Maggie grounded. Maggie keeps Victor on my screen. I adore both of those things.

E.J. and LEXIE How utterly adorable are these two? Lexie is right that E.J. is the only brother that she's ever known. And, yet, she's always accepted him even at times when he clearly didn't deserve it. It says a lot about Lexie and her love of family. I'm so glad that she enjoyed her day in Paris. SAMI and LUCAS Man, that Lucas is a catch! Not only did he make a valiant cooking attempt, but he's definitely put a lid on his anger outbursts. And I love him even more each time he doesn't take the completely bogus out that everyone else keeps offering him. For realz, "I was in China" is not an acceptable excuse for not knowing what was going on with your son. That's like me claiming that I don't have to work on the projects that my team discussed in the staff meeting because I called in sick that day. Life doesn't work that way.

Anyway, Mr. Horton is sporting an all-around good look recently. Sadly, he's kind of wasting it on Sami. Not to sound like Kate, but Lucas can't continue to grow while going back to the exact same bad habits. Those two things are in direct conflict with each other. Lucas 2.0 would be much better with a new lady.

As poor as this pairing is for Lucas, it's a terrible move for Sami. (Shocker! Sami makes bad decisions!) I'm more than a little concerned that she said to Lucas, "You're my role model." And, she didn't mean it in the healthy, I-think-my-guy-is-a-great-man kind of way. She literally values herself so low that she wants to do anything she can to climb her way up to the level of her mate. It seems to me that I've heard that relationships work best when both parties are on the same level. In soaps, that can be equally good or equally bad. But, the key is equal. Sami and Lucas are not equals. Just ask Will.

RAFE and CARRIE I can't believe how much I can't stand -- yet love -- these two together. After getting out of the safe house, they restated their love for each other. But, good girl Carrie said no more kisses until she breaks up with her husband. She also told Rafe that he's one of the men in her heart now. That's big of her.

Rafe, whose self-image must have no end, offered to talk to Austin on Carrie's behalf. Is that a real thing? Do new boyfriends really serve divorce papers to the old husband and have it go over well?

Anyway, even the show seems to play into the riduculata that is their egos. When number one chump, Austin, showed up at the square to meet his alive-and-well wife, we got these shots of Carrie and Rafe looking completely devastated that they had to be apart. Poor little delicate flower, Carrie, didn't have the slightest chance to squeak out the tiniest plea for her romantic freedom. And, Rafe had to stand by and watch his beloved be tortured by the cruel whip of flattery and appreciation. Oh, the humanity!

But still, I kid you not, I get a fluttery feeling when these two are together. Their excitement to see each other and be together seems genuine. And, knowing what we know about both of them, I've never met two people who deserve each other more. Neither one has to change to be with the other. As Marlena would say, together, they can live their truth. Preach!

AUSTIN I'm probably the lone hold-out, but I still feel bad for Austin. He's so blessedly stupid that I can't be mad at him for not knowing that Carrie is up to her old tricks again.

Yes, she's done this both to him and with him before. But he loves her so much that he can't see straight. And when he learned that they're having a baby together, he skyrocketed into bliss. On a show with so much gloom, I liked seeing someone be happy. I don't even think he realized that he was completely rubbing it in Rafe's face, which made the move all the more adorable.

And make no mistake, unlike her pregnancy with Lucas, this one is the real deal for Carrie. Still, I'm not holding out much hope that a baby will fix Carrie and Austin, mainly because I want better for Austin.

LEXIE Lexie and Daniel confirmed that she has days, not months, left to live. My heart broke for Lexie when she exclaimed that life wasn't fair to her. Indeed, her strength is impressive. Her mantra all week was, "Give peace a chance!" She said it to everyone; and, if they didn't listen, she played every card she had, including "I'm dying" and "Do it for that little boy." Checkmate, Lexie.

It all cumulated with a bittersweet family luncheon at Stefano's house, complete with family photos, Brady Bunch-style, on the staircase. Despite all their drama, those DiMeras sure are a good-looking group! I wish that Johnny and Sydney were a part of it.

And, John and Marlena's day with Abe and Lexie was touching. Here's hoping that Lexie's return from the dead is still in the works. I don't care if I'm the one who started that rumor. Let's all band together and make it happen, people!

CHAD, MELANIE, GABI, and WILL Someone tell me that they're not declawing my Melanie just to prop Gabi and her mind-numbingly boring scheme to land Chad. Ugh. The problem is that all of the teens are good except Gabi, yet she's the one leading the storyline. Even Will's delightful wit was relegated to just one gem of a scene where he punked Gabi and her succubus shenanigans.

I'd love for someone to dig Sonny out of mothballs and let him team up with his spunky cousin, Abigail, to go on some great adventure. Why not send the kids to Italy to investigate the coin? Between Abigail, Melanie, Sonny, and Cameron, they have more than enough European experience to make sure Chad and Will don't get lost. Gabi, well, I'm not making any promises that she won't end up at the bottom of Lake Wastesmytime.

LOOSE ENDS I feel bad for Abe. He's trying so hard to put on a brave face. I appreciated his brief conversation with Daniel and hope that these two spend more time together after Lexie is gone. Daniel's wife died of brain cancer as well.

I'm honestly surprised that Nicole and Rafe's friendship is still on. I would have thought that his near-death experience would have made him reevaluate what's really important in life. The gal who he's spent the majority of his time on screen hating would seem like the first to go.

Chad asked to be part of the family again. But, he wants to be the Lexie part, not the E.J. part. Honestly, he's much more suited for this role, and I am glad that there's a believable "good DiMera" left on-screen.

On one hand, I like the relationship with Marlena and Carrie. It's very Maggie/Melanie. On the other hand, I am disappointed in Marlena for never once mentioning Sami in the whole conversation with Carrie. Unlike Marlena's situation with John, Carrie knew exactly who the man was that she was falling in love with. He was her sister's husband.

I hope that Marlena gets Sami's side of the story, or at the very least, Lucas' neutral opinion. Will's version of what happened when he came out wasn't exactly accurate. As much as I adore Will, his anger is starting to turn him a little ugly around the edges. Doc Evans could do him some good and help him realize that all hate and no joy makes Will a bit of a drama queen.

HOT: All of the delightful (and in some cases, unexpected) pairings on Friday's show made up for an otherwise rather ho-hum week:

The common ground of parenting mistakes is an easy meeting point for Sami and Kate. I liked seeing these two ladies play nice for a minute.

I much prefer E.J. over Sonny when it comes to a mentor role for Will. E.J.'s swagger is just too good of a compliment to Will's knee-jerk smarm.

Who knew John and Lexie could be so touching together? John promising to look after Abe was the perfect gesture to support, but not pity, Lexie.

I'm constantly shocked at how well Nicole and Carrie's scenes go over. In this case, wishing you were pregnant with Rafe's baby instead of your husband's really is the stuff friendships are made of!

NOT: A bunch of you smarties emailed me last time to let me know that you thought Will and Stefano's secret had something to do with Will's mysterious meeting with a stranger on Election Day. I had forgotten all about that! And, I have to say, I wish that your idea had been the secret between Will and Stefano. Instead, the secret is not nearly as fun. Will letting Rafe know about Sami sleeping with E.J. is kind of a weak sauce secret. And if all this does is jack with the cool E.J./Will dynamic, I'm going to be royally ticked.

LINE OF THE WEEK: Gabi: "What mom wants to hear that her son is gay?" Will: "Wow! No rainbow flag for you!"

RANDOM THOUGHTS It just occurred to me that all of Carrie's siblings are twins -- Sami/Eric and Rex/Cassie.

I love that Maggie has a built in BS-o-meter. It wouldn't hurt for her to have a chat with little Miss Gabi.

What's up with Marlena? She felt like a Kardashian and threatened to kiss Hope on the mouth. Only one of those things is acceptable in my book. Hope is very nice, after all.

Wait a minute. How did Carrie call Anna? I thought Anna was on the run from the DiMeras? I need an explanation, please.

Shouldn't Shane have called and checked in with Kimberly by now?

Yeah for mentions of Belle and Eric!

Don't worry, Lucas. I've messed up Crock-pot cooking too. The whole "set it and forget it" thing is a total lie.

Carrie and Rafe are back to dressing alike again.

Um, Austin, you need to learn what "Drinks on the house!" means. Or, at least check with Kayla before you go screaming that in the middle of the Brady Pub.

It was really swell of the University to hold Marlena's job for her until she came back from the dead. Actually, in Salem, that's probably standard practice.

I really like Shane and Roman working together. I know that Abe, Bo, and John are otherwise occupied right now, but I missed seeing Roman with a partner.

Casting Spoilers -- I am beyond excited for this news. I absolutely adore Nick and can't wait to see what prison has done to his character. However, this makes me sad because I love Melanie. Although, until the latter is confirmed by the Twitter princess herself, I'm not buying into it.

That's all for now, Scoopers! I'll be back next week as Tony is off to find out why Anna is suddenly back on the grid and no one told him. In the meantime, I'm planning to stage an intervention for Chad's hair. Who's with me? Click here to share your thoughts with me.

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