I said, "Hey, what's goin' on!?"

Oh, no, he didn't! Stefano gave Countess Wilhelmina to Sami after kicking Kate to the curb for cheating on him with Ian! Plus, E.J.'s not Stefano son! All that and more in this random edition of Two Scoops!

I had dinner with a friend recently. We laughed, we drank, and she got to enjoy her favorite pastime. That would be making fun of my anal retentive tendencies. By "tendencies" I actually mean I'm an organizational junkie. I label boxes and bins. My sock drawer is a fabric rainbow ranging from black to white and everything in between. And if I can put it on an Excel spreadsheet, I do. So, in honor of her and to prove I can be disorganized, I'm mixing things up this week. Let's call this the "Randomness Column."

And if you watched DAYS last week, I think my theme actually works out quite well. Things in Salem -- or, was it Melaswen? -- were pretty random. Sami was named CEO of Countess Wilhelmina. E.J. was un-DiMeraed. And Hope proved that maybe everyone should be calling her "Doc."

Before we start, I suggest taking a Dramamine. Things are all over the place, and some nausea might set in as we sort through the randomness. Of course, we can also drink that martini Nicole can't right now to steady our nerves. Yep, that might help, too. So, let's channel our inner Judy Garlands, pop a pill, grab a drink, and figure out what's going on in Salem.

SAMI: So, our little hothead has been named CEO of Countess Wilhelmina. Riiight. Then again, that happens to everyone with six or so months of experience in a field, just look at the current writers. I kid, I kid!

STEFANO: Let's flashback to 2006! Maybe the Phoenix's first clue that E.J. wasn't his son should have been when a twenty-something man returned to town instead of a nine-year-old boy.

WILL and GABI: I couldn't love Will more right now if I tried! I'm thrilled that he said no to helping Gabi break up Chad and Melanie. I'm also thrilled that the writers used his front row seat to all of Sami's attempts to land a man to back up his decision. It was a great use of history, even if it was wasted on Gabi.

MELANIE: I'm worried. Cameron was sitting four seats away from Abigail and realized she was choking. Melanie was right next to her and didn't. Little Miss Giggly might want to reconsider that nursing career.

NICOLE: Although I'm upset she didn't share her sundae, I'm more upset that Nicole is putting herself in yet another vulnerable position. She'd be a fool to give E.J. another chance, and an even bigger one to fall for Rafe while he's still pinning after Carrie. My girl needs a real man. Where's Eric Brady when you need him?

ABIGAIL and CAMERON: What!? Wasn't there an elevator during a blackout or a cabin during a snowstorm these two could get stuck in together?

STEFANO: Yeah, Stefano does seem the type to phase out children who aren't biologically his. Just look how much he didn't love Tony, Peter, and Kristen. Oh, wait! He adored them, sans the twenty-plus years he had Tony stranded on a deserted island, of course. Granted, I'm sure Stefano's eager to find his biological son, but I think the writers might have to do a little explaining about his sudden change of heart towards his beloved E.J. (and E.J.'s children).

KATE: Don't worry! Stefano only tells people he really cares about they're dead to him.

ABIGAIL and MELANIE: Yes, yes, and yes! I loved that these two talked about her time in Crazyville while pursuing Austin. I'm glad Abigail's trying to cope with her dark deeds, and that Melanie is there to assure Abigail that she's not alone. Besties are the best!

LEXIE: Maybe she can go to Seattle Grace for a consultation with Dr. Derek Shepherd.

STEFANO and KATE: The state of "State" has me in a worked-up state! I've been cheerleading for this evil duo ever since they begrudgingly said, "I do." The only bright spot was watching Joseph Mascolo and Lauren Koslow. Those two acting heavyweights are amazing!

JOHN and MARLENA: Sorry, Doc, but I want John to stay in the ISA. He's more interesting as an agent than when he's Velcroed to her side.

ABIGAIL: Clean your hair, girl!

TEAM MAD WORLD: I love it when large groups of characters team up for a common goal. Although this particular group leaves a bit to be desired, and I have my doubts they will actually succeed in leveling Stefano and Sami. Those two working together could be an evil duo better than Bonnie and Clyde. Now, if only Team Mad World were smart enough to recruit someone like Victor from the sidelines -- that might up their chances.

ABE, LEXIE, and E.J.: Lexie's storyline is breaking my heart, especially when cute, little Theo goes in for a hug. E.J.'s reaction to Lexie's diagnosis was also gut-wrenching. I hope this storyline really brings them together for one last hurrah. E.J. and Lexie fans deserve that.

AUSTIN: Dude, I know 4/20 just passed, but put down whatever you're smoking. It's making you clueless and overly sentimental, and right now you need to see what's clearly happening -- your wife doesn't want to be in bed with you, or at the pub, or, well, you're not Rafe. Sorry, Austin.

LUCAS: Ouch! Stefano dissolved Hearth and Home. Poor Lucas. And poor me! I just ordered a toaster oven from them I fear I may never get now.

ABIGAIL: So, Crazy Abs worked in a pub in London for two years. I wonder if she ever ran into Max and Chelsea. Ah, Chelsea!

SAMI: As head-scratching as her meteoric rise up the corporate latter has been (and why she thinks trusting Stefano is a good idea), I love that it means feisty, scheming Sami is back, and that she doesn't have to lower her Bitch Flag because Rafe may disapprove of her deviant behavior. Welcome back, Sami!

GENERAL RANDOMNESS: I want to know what's in a hangover smoothie. You know, so I can, um, make it for friends.

ABE: I was completely shocked to see Abe out of a suit!

RAFE and CARRIE: I'm not so sure Carrie will ever be happy. I'm sure if Rafe tells her that he's not a home-wrecker who got Nicole pregnant, she'll have issues that he lied about it. There seems to be no pleasing this gal. Just ask Austin.

MARLENA: It's odd that Mar Mar was giving John the silent treatment, as she's the queen of talking things out.

E.J.: Tsk, tsk, Little Elvis! You can't blame Abe for Lexie's brain tumor unless Abe has x-ray vision he's refusing to use. And since Lexie's had several affairs right under his nose, I suspect that the former mayor's powers of perception aren't that honed.

HOPE: I mean this in the most sensitive way possible, but Hope yelling at Bo to wake up seemed counterproductive, since he was in a medically induced coma. I mean, that's what I heard somewhere. The show only mentioned he was in one once or, um, maybe twice. Anyway, that was like yelling at a cake to bake without having the oven on.

CARRIE and AUSTIN: Sorry, but she kind of sucks. I detest that she's with Austin right now. It's ber unfair to him. I hope once her not-all-that secret desires catch up to her, he dumps her once and for all. He deserves better.

BILLIE and E.J.: Wow! Billie is a pretty convincing liar. Why didn't she just tell E.J. she dropped a contact lens and the only place she thought to look for it was in the secret wall compartment? Or, perhaps she lost her miniature pet goat in the desk drawer. So sly, super spy.

BRADY and MADISON: Do the writers even really need to give these two horn dogs dialogue?

CAMERON: He's the most well-connected illegitimate son ever! He knows everyone thanks to Celeste. Although, he may want to spend a little time getting to know his dying half-sister. Just a thought.

SAMI: Girl has big plans for Countess Wilhelmina, but isn't it already a huge, international success?

BILLIE and DR. DAN: Yes! Billie and I finally agree on something. She said dating Dr. Dan would be uncomfortable and weird. Please, go with that, Billie. Go. With. That!

GABI and WILL: I'm glad that Will came out to Gabi and, more so, that they were loving and supportive of each other. She needed to hear his kind words as much as he needed to hear hers. However, if Will's looking to change his life for the better, he might want to scratch that hot mess off his list of friends.

ABE: He's the man. He really is. I love the way he supports Lexie. His heart is breaking, yet he's still trying to be a rock. You go, Abe!

SAMI and E.J.: Snap! He called her out on her inexperience in the corporate world. Why, you don't say!

ABIGAIL and CAMERON: I think -- I mean, I think -- the writers are trying to suggest that Abigail and Cameron might be interested in one another, and fate might be pushing them, er, causing them to bump into each other. I mean, I think. It wasn't clear to me.

LUCAS: I really, I mean, really, couldn't handle it if Ian turned out to be Lucas' biological father. With all of these paternity shockers coming to light lately, this is one that better stay on the rumor mill.

IAN: Mr. McAllister made a cryptic call. I wonder who he phoned.

BILLIE and E.J.: Upon reflecting a little more, these two working together might be interesting. Read: anything is more interesting than Billie with Dr. I-Dated-Your-Daughter-and-Mother.

AUSTIN: This man is clingier than Glad Plastic Wrap.

HOPE: I'm all for the healing power of love, but Hope having Bo's best interest at heart seemed a little suspect when Dr. Dan was telling her that he was in the medically induced coma to help him heal properly. Then again, Dr. Fancy Face was right. Bo woke up. Dr. Tom Horton would be so proud!

E.J.: So just who are E.J.'s real parents, and where is the real baby Elvis? Maybe the dingoes got him.

GENERAL RANDOMNESS: It occurred to me while watching DAYS that a majority of the couples in Salem right now want someone they're not married to. Rafe's married to Sami, but wants Carrie, who's married to Austin. I suspect Nicole is starting to want Rafe, too, but she's married to E.J. Then there's Ian who's married to Madison who wants Brady, but Ian wants Kate who's married to Stefano. Of course there's John, Marlena, Bo, and Hope who aren't married, but should be. So much for the holiness of matrimony!

LUCAS: Ian taught a teenaged Lucas how to ski and how to smoke a cigar. That latter seems awfully DiMera of Ian. Talk about things that make you go, "Hmm!"

AUSTIN and SAMI: Points for telling a friend the harsh truth! I'm glad that Austin told Sami trusting Stefano is a bad idea. I'm glad Sami told him trusting Carrie was, too. The chance that they'll actually listen to each other's good advice doesn't have me that optimistic, though.

JOHN, HOPE, and STEFANO: I really want to know what's up with this coin! John seems to think it's a clue too big to step away from. I think it's a broken subway token. We'll just have to wait to see who's right.

ABE and E.J.: I thought it was classy that these two shook hands. Even better was that they didn't have some big hug-fest and promise to be friends. That would have seemed fake, but their high road for Lexie's sake approach was great.

BO: Holy speedy recovery, Batman! Bo was in a coma one day, awake the next, and walking the next. I guess a little coma did his body good. Ironically, it will do the storyline good, too. Bo being back in action is almost as good as having Hope and John back in Salem. Yay, the gang's back together!

WILL and CHAD: Remember when these two best buds had scenes together? Yeah, me too.

KATE: The salt in Kate's wound had to be when Harold blocked her entrance to the mansion. He never seemed to be around when she needed him to answer the door when she lived there.

E.J.: Although I haven't exactly reconciled E.J. not being Stefano's son, nor do I particularly like the idea, I can't wait to see what James Scott does with the material! He's already rocking E.J.'s struggle to figure out why Stefano's been messing with his life. I can only imagine what he'll do when the boom is lowered.

MELANIE, GABI, and ABIGAIL: Here's what needs to happen: Abigail needs to tell Mel about her suspicions that Gabi is out to steal Chad. Then, Mel needs to use Gabi's craziness to her advantage. Mel can sic Gabi on all the hos out to land Chad while she snuggles up to him at the coffee shop. Gabi will be so busy battling groupies that she'll be too tired to pursue Chad. I consider that a win/win.

GENERAL RANDOMNESS: It's not that DAYS didn't entertain me last week, but I'm hardly entertained that Victor and Maggie, and Jack and Jennifer, and Adrienne and Justin for that matter, are completely missing in action. Remember a few months ago when Salem was filled with Magic that made us giggle, sigh, and exclaim, "Aw!" Yeah, I'm having withdrawals.

More so, Maggie seems to balance everyone out. She's like Activia for her loved ones. Everything seems regular when she's around. Methinks it's time for Big Red to return and get everyone in order.

HOT: Despite all of the randomness of last week, some of which I'm still unsure of, I am certain about one thing -- I love whatever's happening between Sami and E.J. That's largely due to James and Ali's chemistry, but also because the writers are finally being smart about E.J. and Sami. They're both badasses. They lie, scheme, cheat, and steal. I think the characters have finally come to terms with who they are, more so than they have in the past. And now that the characters are finally being true to themselves, it will make their journey together much more interesting. I, for one, can't wait to see where they go this time!

NOT: Shame on you, writers! I don't believe that Alice Horton would have sat back and watched Stefano pull E.J.'s puppet strings, coaching him to do all sorts of diabolical deeds, when she knew he wasn't a true DiMera and could have saved him from Stefano's sinister influence. That's messed-up logic on so many levels. More so, it makes Alice look heartless -- she could have saved someone, but didn't. And I don't like that her good name is being messed with. Not cool, writers, not cool.

LINE OF THE WEEK: Austin (to Sami regarding her new CEO title of Countess Wilhelmina): "No, you're kidding. You're not kidding. You've got to be kidding me!"

PARTING THOUGHTS: So, friends and DAYS fans, that's Two Scoops for the week of April 23! Here's something to think about -- if critics thinks soaps are a dying genre, then why is Dark Shadows being made into a movie and Dallas being re-launched? It seems there might be a few people who still love drama! Remember to be one of them and tune in to DAYS every day! And also have you pets spayed or neutered.

With that, I feel a little queasy after so much disorder (the pills and martini may also be contributing factors), so I'm off to organize something. Let's hope the writers follow suit. If not, Laurisa will whip them into shape next week with some tough love and snarkiness. And, "That's a fact!"

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