Whole lotta love

Dario got into trouble with a bookie last week, but before he was forced to contemplate which patella was most expendable, Melanie Mighty Moused her way onto the scene and whacked the bookie with a lead pipe.

It's the end of Sweeps, and you know what that means...75% off on all Sweeps decorations! Personally, I've got my eye on this righteous Team Maggie button. If not that, I'm going straight for the Nicole wreath, which will look great with my Victor streamers. I think it will really set the mood for my next Sweeps party. You're all welcome to join me. The more, the merrier!

DARIO, MELANIE, and BRADY Dario got into trouble with a bookie. Just as Dario was forced to contemplate which patella was most expendable, Melanie Mighty Moused her way onto the scene and whacked the bookie with a lead pipe. I'm choosing to believe that Mel has upgraded to carrying a led pipe on her key chain instead of mace, purely because I love that visual. Anyway, Brady stepped in (introducing himself as Brady Kiriakis) to save the day and put on a darn impressive display of general badassery. But, it definitely established that Brady is too big for this kiddie pool. With the rough relationship between Dario and Rafe, I wouldn't mind seeing Brady mentor Dario a bit, rather than compete for his girl. And yes, Melanie is Dario's girl.

CARLY Considering the totally enforceable rules that I set about who should and shouldn't save the Damsel Von Leuschner, I was a little nervous when Bo, Daniel, and the male security guard all appeared to comfort Carly. It needs to stop -- especially the Carly/Daniel combo.

Thanks to the fact that all three of them were adults when their family came together, Carly, Daniel, and Melanie have a fun, unique relationship. And, the genuine female camaraderie that Carly and Jennifer share is an endangered species in Salem. To muck either of those up for a relationship that the writers are going to just throw away in a few months isn't worth it.

So I say continue with more Abigail. (Yeah, I had to read that sentence again too.) But Carly's confession about being ill, thinking the pills would make it better, and not wanting her friends or family to know was ironically 100% truthful. And Abigail's prompt encouragement for Carly to talk about the sickness rather than hide it was straight from personal experience. I say Abigail needs to take it one step further and say, "My dad did the same thing to us, and it put us through hell."

DANIEL and JENNIFER With the news that Jack is on his way back to Salem, I know that Danifer's days are numbered. So, I've had to change my approach to this adorable couple. It's now become a summer fling. And, the beauty of summer flings is that you make every moment count, right down to the last drop of strawberry wine. Or in their case, the fun pool dates, cute PDAs, and actual conversations about their pasts. I can't help but think that if she wasn't "Jennifer" from "Jack and Jennifer," Danifer could last a long time in Salem.

Even Victor approves, and he doesn't like anything. He told Jennifer to hold on to Daniel because she's not going to do better. I can see why people would be mad about that, considering Daniel's certifiably sleazy past, but I didn't mind it. Victor thinks that all his boys are golden. Why wouldn't he stick up for them?

WILL and GABI Will and Gabi moved Rafe's stuff out of Sami's apartment, which gave them an excellent reason to talk about Rafe and Sami. Rafe and Sami get enough storyline, do we really need a secondary storyline where all the characters do is talk about Rafe and Sami? Spoiler alert: The answer is no.

Oh, wait, there was a little mention of Will buying a hotel room for prom night. (I really need to get some financial tips from the young Horton.) I'm sure that means Will wants to stay up late with Gabi, drinking Mountain Dew and reading the Bible.

CHLOE and QUINN Well, shoot. There was a video camera in Quinn's hotel room. I'm sure he's been taping their sexcapades, which is a shame, because he's so flipping adorable that I didn't want him to be a total weirdo. Oh, and because it's a total invasion of Chloe's privacy. That, too, of course. I don't have a problem with Chloe having an...umm...ice cream buddy. Yes, it was very Whitney Houston of Maggie to remind Chloe that learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all. But Chloe's a grown woman, living and working on her own, and free to make any mistake she wants. Plus, since neither half of this pair has any real roots in Salem, the writers can play with that interesting dynamic. However, should the writers decide to give Quinn some roots, I would absolutely love to start the rumor that Quinn is Tony DiMera's son. My unofficial accent test resulted in a positive match. And, I still remain steadfast in my belief that Tony did not spend years on that island, surrounded by beautiful women, and not take at least one lady out for ice cream.

STEFANO Did any of you else hear Stefano threaten E.J.? It went something like this: If you don't kill Rafe, I'll tell Taylor on you and then she'll hate your gangster face. I swear that's what it was, but the scene was so quick and towards the end of the week that I wasn't sure if I interpreted the scene correctly. Someone tell me I'm not crazy. (I like the verification at least once a month.)

TAYLOR and E.J. Oh, sweet mother earth, Taylor is trying my patience. At one point last week, I allowed myself to pretend that Ava Vitali was the one assuring E.J. that he could confide in her just so I could get through Taylor's scenes. By the way, when I did that, it was a lot easier to see chemistry between James Scott and Tamara Braun.

But alas, I awoke from that sweet delirium to realize that E.J. and Taylor still plan to continue their Tour of Denial. (Coming to a park bench near you!) When an exasperated Taylor proclaimed that mean ol' Nicole had the audacity to punish them, I let out a laugh so loud and reactionary that I'm pretty sure it was my subconscious' way of rising up and saying, "Just to be clear, I hate her too."

For his part, E.J. lamented that everyone Taylor loves has betrayed her, which is strange because Brandon, Abe, Brady, and Sami have all been kind to her. And thrice-cheater, Lexie, has even agreed to look like a complete tool by dolling out compassion for Taylor when the affair with E.J. didn't work out. But, nah, he's right. Taylor's sooooo betrayed.

I also don't understand why Taylor couldn't believe that E.J. was a drug dealer. She knew his backstory when she came to Salem and encouraged her sister not to marry into the DiMera family. I guess when she changed her face, she also lost all memories that the old face was responsible for keeping. I hate it when my old face misplaces something.

SAMI, RAFE, and FAFE Not only am I willing to forget that pre-brainwashed Rafe ever existed, you'd basically have to threaten me not to go around Salem with his picture and that thing from Men in Black and erase every single citizen's memory of him. So hold onto your fedoras Safe fans, I'm about to blow ya minds.

Safe 2.0 is a million times better than the freshmen effort because they are actually working together! I love how Rafe's ninja computer hacking skills only got them so far, and Sami's knowledge of the DiMera family was what actually connected the pieces. I cheered when Sami whipped out a hidden mic and Bluetooth earpiece (Woot! I knew Sami didn't throw away her Super Schemer 5000 kit!), fixed up Rafe, and sent him over to the DiMera mansion to record Steffie and Elvis confessing to a crime. More than anything, I love how Sami is calling the shots in this scheme. She's the one who we've watched for almost 20 years, and when she is in on the fun, this couple is so much better.

CHAD and ABIGAIL He brought her flowers during his lunch break and then asked her to meet him every day for lunch at that exact same time. For the love of Say Anything, give this guy a real shot, Abigail! Shut up about his paternity! Perhaps Abigail should spend more time with her cousin Hope and learn that dating the son of a crime lord doesn't mean that the guy is going to turn out to be a creep, especially, when the crime lord wasn't the one to raise the dude.

LOOSE ENDS: Troy has been moved to a different location. That means Erick Fellows is now free to come back as a Shawn D recast. For real, producers. Make it happen. Salem may be short a psychiatrist, but I'm thinking Johnny could be their answer. He was able to diagnose Rafe is about eight seconds.

Nicole found out that E.J. was also the former owner of the drug ring in Salem. Thanks, Taylor, for that extra bit of information. You really showed Nicole!

Ouch. Sami called Caroline out on cheating on Shawn. I'm not saying it wasn't true, but daaannnng. Sami means business. That'll teach grandma to interrupt a perfectly good eavesdropping operation.

I have no problem with the writers making E.J. feel guilty about Arianna's death. Yes, Elvis, when you run a drug ring, it usually ends up in people getting killed. Have you never seen an Al Pachino movie? (I believe that he has.) But the rest of the story -- Sami and Rafe's superbly inappropriate behavior and complete loss of perspective about Arianna's death -- isn't so much as whispered. Her death didn't exist in a vacuum storyline that only involved E.J., Troy, and Ari. If the writers are going to bring it up, let's get everything out there. Mmmkay?

Vivian's presence on the show serves no purpose other than to give me fun exchanges like this one: Vivian: "I went to Stefano as a woman" Gus: "Why didn't I think of that?" (Ba-dum-CHING!) It's a noble purpose, no doubt. But, it's pretty weak for Vivian Alamain. I'm with Kate that there's no way Viv/Stefano will ever replace Kate/Stefano. Doesn't Viv have a nephew out there to worry about?

HOT: Maggie is my hero. She brought a casserole (with she hates) to Victor (who confuses her) and ordered him not to gloat or else she'd drop the culinary valentine right on his foot. She then dismissed Victor's complaint that he's not as good as Mickey and poignantly told Victor to man up and call her when he wants to have some fun. She did the whole thing with a complete grasp on her self-awareness and accepted the fact that it's useless to sacrifice today's happiness for worry about things that haven't/maybe won't ever happen. Forget Chloe's voice lessons. Maggie needs to be the one putting up flyers for classes around town. There's a truckload of people who need her outlook on life. NOT: What the frack was Abigail talking about? Jack lost interest in her when she wasn't a little girl anymore? First of all, that sentence is never not creepy. Second, it's a load of malarkey. We saw Abigail and Jack interact when she was in high school, and he adored the chick. I believe we even got a scene with them in New York when Abigail left for college and Jack gave her advice about Max. Lost interest in her, my foot. I'm totally willing to buy the fact that Jack recently walked (about) out on the family. But, I'm not going to stand for a rewrite of things we saw play out the exact opposite way.

LINE OF THE WEEK: I took my wedding pictures at Busch Stadium. I had to pick this line: Dario: "He's a bookie. I bet on the Cubs." Brady: "Okay, that's always a bad idea."

RANDOM THOUGHTS: Department stores and fashion websites should really use soaps to advertise. If Nicole told me that her bracelet came from Kohl's or Taylor said that her ring came from Stella and Dot, I'd be spending money there yesterday.

I've never been able to do that thing where I can twist my hair up, stick a pencil in it, and hold a super cute bun. My friend, Sarah, could do that, and I was always so jealous.

Dude, Bo, coming up and trying to apologize to your ex is never a good idea. When boys break up with us, we like to think that they either die or go on to live a life of isolation, under a bridge, listening to Radiohead's "Creep" over and over again, to cement the fact that their weak, loser decision is the worst thing that they've ever done. Well, at least we think that until we start dating someone newer and hotter.

I loved seeing E.J. wearing Sydney's backpack. Just how else is a respectable gangster supposed to carry around his Sweet Valley High books and his Justin Bieber CD?

For the record, the fedora hats and sunglasses were ridiculous. If soaps are going to go for cheese, they need to go full-out. I'm talking fake noses, trench coats, clown wigs, etc. By the way, just who are Sami and Rafe hiding from? Or, are they just rehearsing for the next Blues Brothers impersonation contest? Discuss.

With Higley on her way out, DAYS announced that her replacements are two former Passions writers. That seems to have everybody all up in a tizzy. Granted, Passions was catastrophically bad at times, but from what I've read, James E. Riley was the sole decision maker. To suggest that these writers had anything to do with the direction of the storyline is like blaming the storm troopers, not Darth Vader, for the attack on the Republic. So, I'm confident that we can chillax with the Passions apocalyptic prophecies until we get to see what these writers can do.

Please, oh please, oh please let us have a graduation scene with a ton of Bradys. Cowbells and noisemakers are a bonus.

EMMYS: So, last time we celebrated the nominees, and that was real swell. But I start to develop a twitch under my left eye if I am nice for too long. So, can we discuss some of the snubs? If you're down, click here to dish about the people that shoulda, coulda, woulda been nominated if I were in charge. (Note: If I were in charge, everyone would get a lifetime supply of Ghirardelli's chocolate-covered caramel squares and Brian Frons would be sent to actually live with the ladies of The View, since he thinks they're so cool. Mahlin 2012)

As always, don't forget to visit soapcentral.com's Emmy section to get all the latest scoop on all the soaps in the running for Emmy gold.

And with that, Sweeps has come to a close. I'm off to practice for the hospital pool tournament. Tony will be back next week. He doesn't need practice because he's totally that good. In the meantime, let me know what you think about a few things. Do we really believe that Adrienne puts the daily deposit in a brown paper bag? Have you guys seen this, which plays in Times Square? Did you see how stunning Alison Sweeney looked at The Biggest Loser finale? And, why is this the first time I'm hearing about Victor's scrapbooking hobby? Information that delicious should not be held back. Ever. Happy viewing, Laurisa

Need more Two Scoops? Head over to read blogs by Laurisa or Tony for more ranting, raving, and all-out randomness