The missing May sweeps

When Arianna and Nicole are together, Arianna is smart and quick-witted. When they're not, it's a tad maddening to watch her I.Q. plummet as she starts to obsess over Nicole more than Brady.

I've always loved the board game Clue. I mean, what's not fun about playing detective, right? Well, fellow DAYS fans, put on your fedoras and trench coats because we have a crime to solve!

But just in case you were wondering, I'm not talking about who poisoned Anna, discovering the identity of the Salem Mugger, or locating Chloe's missing brain cells. After all, we already know two of those answers and the third is a losing battle. I'm suggesting we try to solve "The Mystery of the Missing May Sweeps."

You see, last week was like a carrot stick to a dieter. Good, somewhat filling, and healthier than a savory, salty French fry, but hardly as satisfying. It's May Sweeps, after all, which is a free pass to be a total TV glutton. But it's the end of the month and I'm still feeling a little peckish due to another less-than-stellar Sweeps snack.

So, friends, let's grab the rest of our gear - magnifying glasses, notebooks, and Sherlock Holmes-esque pipes - and get cracking! Along the way we'll try to figure out which storylines deserve to get out of jail free and which ones should end up with a life sentence on the Island of Forgotten Storylines. Now, let's take the secret passage to the Horton house...

ALICE And so it begins. Did anyone else get a little verklempt when Maggie was on the phone with Julie talking about Alice "not feeling well"? Gulp! I don't think I have enough tissues stockpiled to handle this storyline yet. But, while I still have to get some supplies, I have faith that the writers are going to do this one justice. The groundwork is being laid nicely and, from what I've read, we should be in for a lot of bittersweet moments. Stay tuned!

HOPE, DR. BAKER, NICOLE, and COMPANY There's always room to nitpick. And as everyone knows, I usually do. But this storyline continually reminds me of one important fact: Crazy-Pill-Popping-Malibu-Fun Hope is oodles better than last fall's Crazy-Without-An-Excuse Hope. Plus, Kristian Alfonso continues to rock her scenes!

Also rocking are Arianna Zucker and John Callahan. One of the funniest aspects is that Dr. Baker essentially knows the plan probably won't work, but he still goes along with it regardless. Yet it's not all just silliness with him and Nicole and, surprisingly, I actually believe the characters care about each other in a twisted way because of the actors' talents.

All things considered, I like this storyline. In addition to Kristian's work and Nic and Dick reuniting, the writing has been fun, the action fast-paced, and nearly every character from the kiddies to the vets has been involved somehow. I'll raise a cyber glass to that!

ARIANNA, BRADY, and NICOLE I love Lindsey Hartley. In general, I enjoy Arianna. However, I wanted to high-five Brady 'til my hands hurt when he said to her, "You may be able to live with Nicole, but, I'll tell you, Ari, I don't know if I can live with you while you're doing it." A-to-the-freaking-men, Brady!

Now, sure, that might make me a hypocrite because I've been an advocate of the Arianna vs. Nicole feud. And I still am - when Arianna and Nicole are sharing scenes, that is. When they're together, Arianna is smart and quick-witted. When they're not, it's a tad maddening to watch her I.Q. plummet when she starts to obsess over Nicole more than Brady.

The entire scenario makes me feel a little bad for Brady. Even though it's clear he still has feelings for Nicole, at least he's trying to move past them. Arianna? Not so much. I'm still on-board this Storyline Express, provided the writer in charge of dumbing-down characters gets off at the next station.

CHLOE and COMPANY For starters, I cracked up when Nathan, and later Carly, randomly suggested Chloe seek sexual addiction therapy. Sure, maybe she should add that to her to-do list, right after "Buy new sofa" and "Stop blaming others for my infidelity," that is. Although, I don't think she's as addicted to sex as she is to habitually making stupid decisions.

However, in her defense, I've seen mud puddles smarter than Chloe. But she's pretty dang amusing nonetheless. In fact, I want to hang out with the Chlomeister and, every once in a while, lean in and ask her if she saw the way so-and-so was looking at her just to watch her go off on another hilarious tangent.

Still, it's all fun and games until Chloe gets confused. Granted, that happens pretty easily, but I don't think Carly was confused at all - she knows about the affair! That reveal has me excited because for the first time, Chloe actually has a legitimate reason to be concerned about Carly's involvement in her life. Will Dr. Manning blow the whistle? Will she have sympathy on the clueless cheater? Will she take her to a Sex Addicts Anonymous meeting? Laurisa will be back next week to examine the evidence!

PHILIP and NATHAN These two have a lot in common with Brady - they're pretty much the door prizes in the feud between two women. The disturbing part is both men deserve more to do than sit around and wait for a reveal. I'm not as worried about Nathan as he gets around a bit more with work and all, but Philip's sole purpose lately seems to be tap dancing to the guilty tune he and Chloe are playing in a continuous loop.

True, Phil should feel guilty, but, still, I'd love to see Dimples do more with his time. Maybe he could work/referee Arianna and Nicole since he's their boss. Perhaps Phil could volunteer with injured soldiers at a veteran's hospital. Or maybe he should try standup comedy because he cracked me up when told Stephanie, "I'm guilty of thinking you're seriously annoying me right now.'' Ha! Moral of the story, if he's not going to fess up to Mel, he needs to stop dancing and change his tune because his current melody is falling a little flat.

STEPHANIE Like a raccoon in a trashcan, I keep searching for something good, but I only find garbage. Stephanie's not even fun to watch in a "love to hate" kind of way. The saddest part? She used to have Spice Girl "Girl Power." She was a tomboy who raced cars and was generally a gal worth cheering for. Now, not so much. Steph's a big mess trying to trap a man into staying with her by getting pregnant. As Mel might say, that's super pathetic.

However, there might be a silver lining to this storyline. For all we know, Steph has a healthy reproductive system. Soap evidence seems to suggest that only women who can't get pregnant will. Therefore, deduction implies that Stephanie won't. But I can't rely on that hope alone - I'm stocking up on garlic and crucifixes to ensure this blood-sucking storyline stays away.

MELANIE Is Nathan and Stephanie's business any of Mel's? Nope, not at all, but I'm glad she's trying to stop Steph. Sure, I think Mel's reasons are a bit askew. They're a cocktail of lingering lust for Nathan, hatred for her love-letter-stealing foe, and wanting to do the right thing. The latter being the smallest portion, of course. But more so, someone needs to tell Nathan, be it Mel or Maggie, problem-solver extraordinaire.

Big Red would be a good, stable middleman to break the news to Nathan. Unless, of course, Maggie wants a great-grandchild with a penchant for neediness and jerks in hot tubs, which I don't think is the case. After all, Stephanie's not trying to trick her grandson into seeing a chick flick, we're talking a lifetime commitment (or two lifetimes if Nathan dies and comes back like nearly everyone else does in Salem).

ANNA and RAFE Simply put, I love that Leann Hunley's getting so much screentime! She's great, even when facedown in chocolate cake. And I wouldn't trade seeing her, even if it means putting up with the two things about this storyline I absolutely hate. One, I don't like anyone messing with my gal, Anna. That includes Stefano and Rafe. They should both consider themselves warned.

The other hated part is Rafe himself. I probably harp on him too often, but Rafe has two settings - annoying and super annoying. Last week, his dial was cranked to the latter as he badgered and barked to get Anna's confession. You'd think after yelling didn't work, Agent Huffy-Pants would try a new approach. Say, didn't they both lose loved ones in tragic accidents? Hmm, I believe they did - maybe he could try to bond with her and maybe she'll open up and tell him the truth. Just a thought. But no - Rafe didn't try anything new - and even when Anna was hovering between life and death, he made it about his needs. Not cool, Rafe. Not cool.

SAMI, E.J., and COMPANY This storyline has the same nerve-wracking vibes as watching a clip of a kid playing baseball with his father on America's Funniest Home Videos. The family bonding is cute, but we know where the ball is eventually going to strike. In other words, the inevitable "OUCH!" is looming and I'm getting a little nervous that fans are going to strike out when all is said and done.

LOOSE ENDS Poor Roman! Not only is he rarely seen, but, when he is, he's usually scolding Sami or rubbing his chin in wonderment at a case he can't solve. And now he gets hit on the head! I'm surprised the writers didn't have John or Marlena come back to make out above his unconscious body. I kid, I kid.

Hope better watch out that Caroline doesn't grab her infamous bat and go after her for blaming Bo for their problems. If Hope thinks I'm kidding, she needs to talk to Philip and Shawn-Douglas. Those two still flinch at the mere mention of Mama Brady's baseball bat.

Props to Caroline for keeping prices low at the Pub! Very relevant, yet not crammed down our throats like the "Go-Green" campaign. Nice work, writers.

Props also go to Dr. Dan for trying therapy and going to Father Matt for advice. The guy really is trying to salvage things. But did anyone else find Dr. Dan and Father Matt's chat uncomfortable? I was waiting for the not-so-good father to break out into a valley-girl accent and say, "Like, OMG! I know, I know - Chloe told me all about your problems when we were at the mall."

Finally, welcome back, Peter Reckell! Seeing Bo come home was a nice surprise. Although, I was a bit disappointed Kimberly wasn't with him. Ah, well, soon enough!

EXTRA SCOOPS

HOT Having a bad week? A little Maggie makes everything better. Watching her interact with Mia made me remember the cute, little floppy-banged teen whore Mia used to be and not the mean-spirited, vindictive floppy-banged teen whore she has been lately. However, not only did she slightly redeem Mia for a moment or two, Maggie proved she can break up a fight, all the while remaining glam and sophisticated. Thumbs-up, Big Red - thumbs-up!

NOT Stale Sweeps week notwithstanding, I have a little problem with Melanie. Now, I don't mind her "Stephanie Hate" because it makes sense, but her "Chloe Hate" is a little perplexing. After all, didn't Mel risk jail to help Dr. Dad save her? Not only that, but isn't Chloe one of her husband's best friends? Ultimately, Mel will have a reason to hate Chloe, but I think last week's skepticism was a little premature.

LINE OF THE WEEK: E.J. (said calmly to Sami and Will, interrupting their scream-fest): "So, what seems to be the problem?"

RANDOMNESS... Stefano greeting "William" by slapping him on the cheeks was hilarious! Up next, their secret handshake!

I hope Ciara has a dictionary, because looking up the word "sane" is going to be the only way she knows what it means.

Am I the only one who wants to see Anna back in Salem working her magic on a new meal ticket?

How in the heck did the lab results in the mugging case come back so quickly!? It takes three days for most characters to complete a...a...a...sentence. I'm shocked.

Mel's high-pitched "Bitch!" retort cracked me up!

I wonder how much money each character spends on coffee during a given day.

PARTING THOUGHTS... So, friends and DAYS fans, that's it for the week of May 24th. Laurisa will be taking charge of the case next week. Will things get Sweepsier? What will Carly do? Will Chloe ever learn to shut the door? Those questions - and many others - will be answered in the next edition of Two Scoops. And, "That's a fact!" Need more Two Scoops? Head over to read blogs by Laurisa or Tony for more ranting, raving, and all-out randomness

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