Eeny, meeny, miny...marry?

Nicole has worked hard to cover her tracks, but last week, she regressed to using the same philosophy that a child uses when they cover their eyes and think that no one can see them.

Nothing screams would be wedded bliss like a groom who's keeping the bride guessing and a bride who's totally delusional. Yep, next week should be pretty interesting! Will they or won't they wed, that's the big question. Laurisa will provide us with answers soon enough so, in the meantime, let's discuss what happened in Salem last week. There were break ups and make ups and blow offs and schemes gone awry. Yep, everything was pretty messed up!

Something Nothing To Talk About (E.J. & Sami) Remember when Laurisa picked Roman and Marlena for the "Thick as a Brick Award" during the 2008 Alex North Memorial Awards? That's the award for normally smart characters who acted dumb. Roman and Marlena "won" because they just didn't get that Sami was trying to tell them she was pregnant with E.J.'s child again. Well, I think E.J. is gunning for that award this year. Here's why ...

Basically, Sami said she had something very important to tell him about Grace. Grace is the baby she "adopted" while in the witness protection program. Grace is the same age as Sydney. "Sydney" was "conceived" when he and Nicole got down in the elevator. They got down in the elevator a few weeks after he and Sami also shared a steamy romp. So, why hasn't it occurred to E.J. that "Grace" might be his daughter?

I'd like to think he simply trusts that Sami is telling him the truth about the "adoption," which he now supports, but I don't think he's that trusting. That leads me to believe he's simply too dumb to put the pieces together. And, that's sad, E.J. used to be one smart cookie. But, then again, he is starting to act more and more like Stefano and we all know Stefano's view of reality is a bit askew. So, perhaps E.J.'s delusions of grandeur and out of control ego are clouding his Spidey Senses. Or he's just dumb. Not sure.

Let me expedite the rest of this section by saying nothing really happened between these two. Sami was convinced she needed to tell E.J. the truth. Then, just as she was about to confess, Stefano came home in a huff and scared her into keeping Grace's paternity a secret a little while longer. There were irrational explanations, sloppy cover-ups, and a hasty exit all blamed on Stefano's vengeful arrival. I think that played out just how we all guessed it would. Besides, they're going to milk this baby business until fans are utterly frustrated. Speaking of frustrating, let's move on and talk about E.J. and Nicole.

Groomzilla (E.J. & Nicole)

I still can't believe, I mean, I can't believe E.J. and Nicole are having relationship problems. They seemed so solid in their love and devotion for one another. I don't get it. Well, maybe I do ... a little.

As mentioned, the big question remains - will E.J. and Nicole's wedding happen? You know, the wedding that's taking place "tomorrow" in Salem time. The wedding that Sydney doesn't even have a dress for yet. The wedding that Nicole's mother, Faye, and siblings, Brandon and Taylor, probably won't attend. The wedding Susan Banks is likely to miss without any explanation provided. The wedding that E.J. still hasn't decided if he wants to show up for! Yep, I'm talking about that "well planned" wedding. But, I guess we'll have to wait and see, because, remember, it's all about what E.J. wants.

Now, I have to apologize in advance if this section gets a little vague. I'm still trying to decipher E.J.'s mysterious caveman language in hopes that it will give us a clue as to whether or not he'll walk down the isle. This is what I understood: "*grunt* Me man. *grunt* You woman. *grunt* You do what I say. *grunt*" But really folks, his "it's all about me"/caveman outlook is nothing new, yet still nothing enjoyable.

However, E.J.'s attitude also leads to me to ask an even bigger question other than will or won't they wed. That would be - why the heck would Nicole still want to marry him after last week!? E.J. was a raving prick to her over and over again. He's still fuming that she "covered for Philip." He screamed at her for switching pediatricians without properly notifying him. He scoffed at her when she stood up for herself and basically said, "Talk to the hand." And, precious baby boy E.J. coldly told her he just needs a little more time to make him is mind. Not cool. It's not that I feel bad for Nicole, she's reaping what she sews, but I just hate that a smart woman is acting like a complete, spineless fool.

However, Nicole may just get what she wants thanks to a trump card she stumbled, and I do mean drunken stumbled, upon while she went to confront Sami ... because Sami is the root of all of her problems with E.J. Wait for it ... rrriiiggghhhttt. Anyway, Nicole saw Sami and Rafe together. The big deal? Rafe was dressed up as the cable guy who broke into the DiMera Mansion a few months ago! I suspect if she gives this information to E.J. and Stefano she might be able to convince them of her loyalty and end up with the wedding band after all. But, before I give Nicole too much credit, let's talk a little more about some of her other missteps last week ...

Idiots Guide To Baby Swapping (Nicole & Company)

Dr. Baker perfectly pegged Nicole best when he said, "You know, Ms. Walker, sometimes you are so smart and so sly you scare the hell out of me. But, other times, you are just an idiot." I couldn't agree more. Among other idiotic moves (read: still wanting to marry E.J.), Nicole is ticking off her rogue gallery of coconspirators one by one.

First, she declined Dr. Baker's offer to help. Dumb move! He knows all of Nicole secrets and, as long as she floats him a few bucks here and there, he won't say anything. So, why oh why, is Nicole messing with him? He made sense. He's the staff pediatrician. He could help Sydney should something happen to her. Sure, they'd be strings attached, but one would think in Nicole's case being tangled in a few strings would be better than being cut loose from E.J.'s life. Right? Wrong, she didn't get that. She's too focused on begging E.J. to marry her. She simply warned him to stay away. 'Cause that approach worked out so well in the past.

Nicole also treaded dangerous waters with unbalanced Mia. Nicole gave her four simple rules that I'm not convinced Mia fully understood. She doesn't seem to be the sharpest tool in the shed. Yet, they all basically made the same point - stay away! Again, I don't think Mia understood. But, I don't think rules matter as Mia seems to have only one objective - somehow being close to her baby. Even Dr. Baker knows that. And that doesn't bode well for Nicole either, but, again, she's too focused on E.J. to see the potential landmine she's about to detonate.

Moral of the story - Nicole isn't being a smart schemer these days. She's worked hard to cover her tracks, but last week she regressed to using the same philosophy a child uses when they cover their eyes and think no one can see them. Nope Nicole, your problems didn't disappear because you closed your eyes to them. They're still around. Ignoring them doesn't help. Vodka doesn't help. Well, it helps a little. The only thing that would help, as Brady pointed out, is telling the truth. And that's not going to happen.

But, while Brady's name is on the table, in somewhat shocking news, he wasn't hanging out on the pier last week! He was at the church lurking. He even prayed to Isabella for help and protection. I think he'll need all the divine interaction he can get when dealing with Nicole. Yet, instead of protection, he should've asked his mom to give Nicole some brains. She needs them. Not only is her ship sinking, she's missing the lifeboat by begging Mr. Wrong to marry her while Mr. Right gives her a supportive hug. Oh, the irony!

Who's That Guy? (Stefano & ???)

Maybe I'm not very bright, but I have to ask - does Stefano hold Philip responsible for Tony's death? And, is he planning to seek revenge? I'm not sure. I didn't fully comprehend what he was trying to say from the fifty million times he swore vengeance. Ok, Higs, point taken. Moving on ...

Actually, one more nitpick! At the beginning of the week Stefano went for a walk to "unwind." He ended up strolling into the Brady Pub. Yes, the Brady Pub. Because, you know, a joint owned by your sworn enemies sure screams rest and relaxation. Right. While he was there, he went a round with Philip. Heck, even Stephanie chimed in to which Stefano replied, "Listen, Judy, keep your mouth shut!" That was a tad funny. Philip told him not to speak to her like that. I urged him to keep going. Anyway ...

In addition to a cryptic all in Italian, it seems like Stefano's revenge plan is definitely in action. Actually, it seems that his plan was in action before Tony died. He has a little spy in the Kiriakis Mansion that seems to have been there for a while. But, who is this mystery man?

Here are the facts we have so far: Mr. Spy is an M.I.T. graduate. Stefano has been funding him for years. Mr. Spy also likes to speak in a forced deep, gravely voice similar to when Christian Bale plays Batman. And, he knows all about the Kiriakis security system, even the new one. Hmm ...

Figuring out this one might be tricky. My initial thought was Rex. He's somewhat of a genius and a genetically engineered DiMera pawn. But, he's been rotting in Forgotten Character Land for far too long. I don't think they'd bring him back. Besides, you'd think Kate would recognize her son hanging around the Kiriakis estate. Um, well, she probably wouldn't as she seems to have forgotten Rex like the rest of Salem, but I'll move on. Actually, I can't move on just yet. I'm still formulating some ideas, but those will have to wait to be Scooped another day.

Break Up, Make Up (Victor, Philip & Stephanie)

Victor and Philip made up! I didn't see that coming. Oh wait, I did! So, I was a little unsurprised when Victor asked his Mini-Me back to Titan ... oh, and back into the family too. Despite being predictable, those scenes were touching. Victor thawed out his cold, tyrant heart long enough to speak openly with his son. Of course Victor's chat with Stefano prompted his actions, but, regardless, I'm glad Team Kiriakis is finally working together again. There's safety in numbers. However, as glad as I am they've reconciled, when they kiss and make up that means Stephanie and Philip break up.

Yet, I should say - thank you, thank you, thank you to Philip for pointing out that, yes, Stephanie breaking up with him losses its impact after the millionth time. It does. I'm going to make this rant quick because one only needs to read past Scoops to know that both Laurisa and I like Philip and Stephanie together, but are tired of the break up and reconcile drama. And, guess what? Last week they broke up. And, guess what? Last week they reconciled. Yawn! Like him and Victor, Philip and Stephanie work well as a team - keep it that way.

Roommates With A View (Stephanie & Chelsea)

Hello awkward! Chelsea walked in on Steph and Philip mid-make out. Later, Stephanie walked in on Chelsea and Max in a similar position. Max covering himself with a pillow was hysterical, but, as one who as accidentally walked in on a roommate and company before, I totally felt each gals' discomfort. It's not the most pleasant "welcome home" one can receive. Here's a tip for the gals to make their living arrangements more, well, less awkward - you each have bedrooms, use them.

Aside from the awkwardness of bad timing, I found Chelsea's attitude toward Philip a little awkward too. Are they still related? I couldn't tell from the way she reacted. I disliked it when the writers basically dismissed the fact Max and Stephanie were family when they dated. Now, it seems they're dismissing the fact that Chelsea is a Brady and Kiriakis.

Now, I can grit and bear her and Max acting unrelated. As mentioned, we've seen that shtick before when he dated his other niece Steph. Irritating? No doubt. The norm? Unfortunately yes. Yet, now she acts like she's not part Kiriakis when talking to Stephanie about Philip and that has me seeing red. Chelsea is not one to let anyone talk smack about her family. Hello, just look at the way she laid into E.J. on the pier! THAT was the Chelsea we all know and love. Therefore, it would have made sense if Chelsea said, "You know what Steph, my UNCLE Phil is going through a hard time, but he's a great guy - he's been there for me. He was nice to me when I lived with him and GRANDPA Victor." That so didn't happen. Nope, not so much.

Despite what the writers think, or want us to believe, you can pick friends, but you can't pick family. Chelsea and Steph are cousins. Chelsea and Steph are both Max's nieces. Chelsea is Philip's niece and Victor's granddaughter. Those are the facts and if the writers can't create a storyline that incorporates all those details together, maybe they shouldn't try.

Hurt & Home (Kate, Chloe & Lucas)

As luck would have it, Chloe's agent offered her a job with the Vancouver Opera just as she was complaining about how much she didn't want to do the Hearth and Home talk show. Therefore, she was thrilled! Lucas, not so much. And, neither was Kate - at first. As it turns out, Kate thinks that by Chloe burning the candle at both ends her little poising scheme with have more of an impact. Yep, it should! And, yep, I still love crazy, vicious Kate! Oh, and I can't wait until she goes all out ballistic on Stefano for threatening Philip. That should be a clash of the titans for the record books!

The Ladies Man (Dr. Dan & The Women)

Dr. Dan was pretty busy with some pretty ladies last week. Shockingly, none of them were patients! Well, Chloe is, sort of, but let's not dwell on her just yet. First let's talk about the coworker who asked him out. Actually, there's not much to talk about. He said no - he's too busy. She should consider herself lucky. Bullet dodged.

Next there's Mel. Dr. Dan doesn't seem too interested in her, but she seems into him. Nurse Maxine even tried to nip her curiosity in the bud. "That's doctor don't-you-go-near-him!" she warned. Brilliant! Nurse Maxine is one of my favorite recurring characters. However, I like the idea of Mel being a fly in Dr. Dan's ointment. She basically gets under everyone's skin and I think it would be a little karmic retribution if she bugged him for a while. I guess I'm just mean like that.

Then there's Chloe. Dr. Dan tried to get an answer out of her when he confronted her possible pregnancy. Specifically, was she going to tell him about the baby since it could've been his? She seemed to dance around that subject. But, they both agreed that they don't think Kate knows anything about their affair. I chuckled at this. Again, I'm mean like that.

Finally, there was Maggie. She's easily the most forgiving woman in Salem. Or is she? I suspect Big Red is playing the part of matchmaker to ensure Dr. Dan stays away from Chloe. That's just a hunch, but it makes me feel better to think that rather than think she actually likes the guy. Dang, I am mean.

So, Maggie tried to fix him up with another colleague, Irene Ellis. First off - wowza! She's a hottie! And, she's a smarty! She knew enough to stay away from Dr. Dan! Well, Kate had a hand in that. A big hand. She warned Irene not to get involved. Then poor Irene ran into Chloe who seemed to get a little crazy eyed at the idea of their date. All in all, she sent Dr. Dan home without a date ... well, except for one with a cold shower.

Regardless, I hope we haven't seen the last of Irene. I mean, come on, there're ton of men in Salem and Chloe doesn't have time for them all! Give the new girl a chance! Gee, I don't think I've been this excited about a new girl in town since Dr. Charlotte Taylor ... wait ... I just remembered how that turned out. Never mind, see ya later Irene, don't let the door hit you.

LOOSE ENDS

Sami & Rafe ... Like Stephanie and Philip, they also had another fight about the same thing. They went another round about Sami's impulsive decision making. Then, per the course, Rafe walked out in a huff. Now, as annoyed as I was about his immature antics, I give him credit for going to Sister Agnes. It always makes me a little hopeful when a character receives good advice and actually takes it.

Speaking of advice, Sami had a great talk with Caroline! Like her chat with Bo a few weeks ago, Sami asked her Grams about the long term effects of keeping a secret. I loved Caroline's honest answer. I loved the nod to the past. Loved it all! It was just what Sami needed to hear. Whether she was listening or not is anyone's guess.

Mia & Will ... Ms. Mia had her hands full last week. Her hands full of baby that is! I'm talking about Grace, not Will. Needless to say, Laurisa was right. Her and Will hanging out sans Sami was just a lame excuse to get Mia and Grace together, but it worked. Mia cooed and awed at her little bundle of black market baby. I wonder how Will react once he finds out the truth?

Mel ... So, photographic memory Mel is a candy striper now? I actually like the idea. And, heck, the writers exerted the effort to give us a valid reason behind her new gig - Maggie got her the job! I'll buy that. I look forward to all the trouble she is sure to stir up around the hospital! And, now that her and Kate have met, well, that could be a "dream team" or a match made in hell.

Hot & Not

Hot: Welcome back Dr. Baker! Laurisa mentioned last week that she was excited John Callahan has returned as his character has grown on her and, you know what, I totally agree! The guy's a hoot! His interactions with Nicole are great, but I have faith that his comedic flair's only going to get better now that the likes of Maxine, Melanie, Chelsea and Kate are wondering around the hospital! Plus, the guy's facing his problems head on - he's in Gamblers Anonymous. Way to go, Doc! Now, if they only had a Black Market Baby Broker Anonymous ...

Not: I'm not overly thrilled with Stephanie "High Horse" Johnson right now. Sure, Victor was an outright jerk to Dimples. Sure, she loves Phil and hates to see him upset. Sure, Philip should have taken some time to sort out his feelings before impulse buying Victor's offer. And, sure, I get why she's not a fan of Victor, but he's Philip's father and she needs to respect that. Stephanie also needs to trust that Philip is doing the right thing. News flash, Steph, he's a big boy now. She was so quick to dismiss Victor's touching apology ... one in which she didn't even hear or let Philip explain to her. I think if she wants a chance at a mature relationship, she needs to start acting a little more maturely.

Line of the Week:

"All I can say is thank god he's a doctor because if he can't cure it, at least he can give you a prescription to help ease the discomfort." Kate's warning to Irene. And, no, neither Laurisa nor I paid Kate to say that.

Randomness ...

Isn't it odd that Tony was cremated, Anna picked up his ashes and left town, and they had a memorial service for him all before the Salem P.D. started to clean up the crime scene? Also, who set up the candlelit memorial to him on the pier? And, wouldn't the candles blow out as it's usually windy along the waterfront?

Am I the only one hoping Chloe throws a wild bachelorette party for Nicole? She's best when loaded.

And, while on the alcohol subject, this is a quote from Laurisa which I fully agree with and wondered myself: "What was up with Will offering Rafe a beer? He's the minor son of a recovering alcoholic who's been in trouble with the cops for underage drinking in the past. What the heck is he doing offering a (former) federal agent a beer? D'oh!"

Finally, did anyone else notice the doors to the penthouse balcony were open ... while there were toddlers free to roam? Just checking.

Parting Thoughts ...

So friends and Days fans, that's "Two Scoops" for the week of April 13th! Laurisa and I have our formalwear on standby should E.J. decide the wedding is a go ... because, let's remember, it's all about E.J.! On news unrelated to Elvis J (imagine that), a programming note, Laurisa will be Scooping the next two consecutive weeks. Yes, I have a great partner who's willing to cover for me - take that Roman and Abe! Truth be told, I have a limited engagement at the Vancouver Opera next weekend then I'm going under cover for the Salem P.D. to investigate the mysterious man Stefano was talking to! But, don't worry, I'll keep my eye out for Nicole's missing self-esteem and E.J.'s missing brain while I'm on the case, "That's a fact!"

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