Sweeps hangover

Imagine the possibilities if it turns out that Tony, the black sheep of the DiMera family, had actually earned the title because he was the only good seed.

I don't have a headache. I don't feel sick. And, I have complete recollection of what happened last night. But, I do feel hung over. See, it's the week after sweeps. Last week was amazing! The storylines moved along. News characters came on screen. And, plot lines thickened. Yet this week's storylines, seemed slow and, in some cases, completely stalled. Yes, there were a few bright spots (and I'll save those for last), but for the most part I could make a check-list of storylines that went into auto-pilot.

1. A waffling Mrs. Belle Brady- CHECK! There was a little movement of the Philip/Belle/Shawn front. Philip had a dream that Belle killed Shawn and came back to Philip. You could tell that Martha really had a great time with these scenes. Of course, I'd be happy too if I got to wear that fabulous coat and that great Bogart hat. In real life, Shawn and Belle shared a romantic evening alone. Belle tries to clear her conscious by saying things like, "I'm not that innocent girl" and, "I'm not perfect." For those of you who don't speak princess that means, "I know that I'm going to get caught soon and I'm scared that people will hate me."

2. Bo and Hope continue talking about their son's love life - CHECK! Bo tells Hope that Belle was the one who wrote the letter that kept Shawn out of the police academy. Hope tells Bo about the voicemail that she stole from Belle's phone. I do hope that Belle gets what's coming to her when Shawn finds out. She cheated on Shawn the night before their wedding! (yes, I consider kissing cheating) But, I think that Bo and Hope deserve some scolding for spreading the news to other people before coming to Shawn.

3. Lucas, Sami, and EJ continue lying to each other- CHECK! I'm going to spend as little time as possible on the parents of the year. I'm still all aboard the anti-Lucas train. But, this week I discovered that the same train has a Sami car and an EJ car. Is it just me, or is anyone else getting distracted by how much time these characters DON'T spend with the twins? EJ pawns Johnny off of Sami and EJ for the night. Sami leaves Lucas with the twins to go shoe shopping. (PS- Shame on Sami for making me, a devout shoe-aholic, berate someone else for shoe shopping.) Then Lucas opts for breakfast with the mother that he swore to hate over spending time with the twins. Deep down, I honestly think that all three characters love their children. Unfortunately, none of them can seem to focus on the children long enough (or put their own egos aside long enough. Yes, I'm talking to you, Lucas and EJ!) to actually be good parents to the twins. On a completely side note, Alison Sweeney needs to send a fruit basket or something to the wardrobe department because they are obviously mad at her. Poor Alison spent the better part of the week trying to keep her shirt from opening up into slut land and suddenly giving Days a "TV-MA" rating.

The only good thing about these scenes was a Tony and Anna sighting!! I absolutely adore these two and I am a big fan of Tony staying in town. Imagine if the black sheep of the DiMera family earned the title because he was actually a good seed. But alas, it seems that Tony and Anna bought tickets on the "Doug and Julie" cruise and will be relinquished to cameo appearances. I'm so sad! Uncle Tony may be the only hope that little Johnny had.

Luckily there was some movement in two storylines this week. First, the Salem U rapist is gone. Here's what we know: Ford is a big, jerk-o creep. Not only does he have a rich daddy to save him every time that he gets a paper cut, but he also finds satisfaction in raping women. So the sorority sisters cooked up a plan to trap the dubious Decker and literally give him a taste of his own medicine. But Chelsea promised "not hurt him, only scare him." Let's see, where have I heard that before? Oh yeah, in every "B" horror movie ever made. Of course, a freak accident causes Ford to fall down the house stairs. Ford ends up dead- kind of. The girls left his dead body in the basement of their house. Let me say that again. The girls left his DEAD BODY in the basement of THEIR HOUSE. I don't think we've seen the last of Ford. I think he'll continue to haunt Chelsea for a while.

I like the idea of the storyline, but the details are atrocious. Bear with me while I list the eye-roll worthy moves in Ford-gate: 1) Can't all the house's phone records be subpoenaed and tracked? They'll show that someone at the house called Ford. I watch "Law & Order" and they do that stuff all the time. 2.) Can't Ford's cell phone records be subpoenaed and tracked? (see above) 3) Why bother wiping down the house for finger prints when Ford's prints could have been there from any time...say....the Halloween party?? 4) Why didn't Chelsea just go to the hospital and have her blood tested? Date rape drugs can stay in your system for anywhere from 8-24 hours. That's plenty of time for the tests to show the same date rape drug that's in Ford's room. 5) Chelsea, Stephanie, Morgan, Sloan, Cordy, Carmon, and Max all know about Ford's death. When's the last time that 7 people could keep a secret? 6) People

wonder why Max never came out of the house. 7) Steph looks up burial techniques on her laptop. Brilliant! Another thing that can't be traced! 8) Ford fell down the stairs because he was going up the stairs to rape Chelsea. Period. If he hadn't gone up the stairs after her, he would have just passed out on the couch.

Ok, I'm done with that rant. I have to remember that Ford was killed in soap-land, thus all rules of common sense are immediately voided. The good news is that Ford is dead. I hate to say it, but that guy was just mean, mean, mean! Days has redeemed rapists before (see: Jack), but Ford raped at least four girls (Cordy, Morgan, Stephanie, and the cute blonde girl) that we know of; and attempted a rape on at least one other (Chelsea). This guy is just plain 'ol bad news. I'm not sad to see him leave.

But I am sad that Stephanie was so ever-present in this storyline. I counted (not really, but I say so for dramatic emphasis. Go with me on this one). Stephanie had 217 lines this week. 200 of them were stupid. She started off the week hitting on Uncle Max by bashing Morgan. Not cool. Then, Steph tried to joke with Max that she didn't grow up with as much money as Morgan did. Morgan may be very wealthy, but last time I checked, Stephanie's mom was a DOCTOR. There's no way that Kayla didn't give Stephanie a privileged life. Wasn't Kayla the one who ran over to the bank and got out 5G's, in cash, to give to Belle and Shawn without batting an eye? Stephanie needs to get over the "poor girl" act. (While I'm at it, when did Max become such a country bumpkin? Isn't he a world traveled racecar driver? He was the most famous young gun out there and now he's never had a multi course meal?) Anyway, Stephanie moved on to help the sorority sisters with Ford. First, she tried to talk them out of the plan. This may be the only smart things she said all week. But, when she finally agreed she complained the whole time. Then, after Ford's fall, she chirped up with the brilliant idea not to call the police. Good thinking! That idea never gets anyone in trouble, especially when three of the seven conspirators are related to the Deputy Police Commissioner. To further cement her bid for ditz of the week, Stephanie made everyone swear to keep Ford's death a secret. They even did the three musketeers' "all for one" hand shake- which is an admissible contract in any federal court. Yet, Stephanie is so dumb that she immediately forgot her own rule and called Max.

Max comes over and when Mimi, I mean Stephanie, needs his help with a dead body. Then Mimi, I mean Stephanie, cries on Max's shoulder telling him that he's the only one that she could call. Max promises Mimi, I mean Stephanie, that he'll help her with the body. He says that he won't let anything happen to Mimi, I mean Stephanie. You guys follow me?

Speaking of helping women in trouble, Roman tried to help Marlena out of a criminal charge. Roman knew the Marlena was one of the shooters at Sami and EJ's wedding because the ballistics matched John's gun to the bullet that the police recovered from the altar. However, since the bullet was lodged in the altar, that also meant that Marlena can't be changed with murder; and, if Roman had it his way, Marlena wouldn't be charged with anything. But Marlena was insistent that she be arrested, almost too insistent. It almost seemed like she had a master plan and getting arrested was an important piece in her plot. If so, her plan is still in motion- thanks to Kate. You see, Kate was a little stressed out that Roman was only covering for one ex-wife. After all, Kate is a card-carrying member of the "ex Mrs. Roman Brady" club. So, Kate threatened to tip off the DA that Roman suppressed evidence if Marlena didn't have charges brought against her too. Honestly, Kate did Roman a favor. Roman would have been in so much trouble when the DA, not to mention Stefano, found out that he was messing with the investigation into EJ's shooting.

Finally, I'll get to the best part of the show. It was the filet mignon to the warmed up left-over meatloaf that took up most of the screen time. No big surprise, it involved Stefano. We now know two characters- "my nemesis" and "the patient" - are in the wings, waiting to make their Salem debuts. I can safely speculate that MN is a Brady. Colleen? Shawn? Marlena? Shawn and Marlena seem odd choices since they never left the picture. But, could it be that Colleen is alive after all? She sure has a bone to pick with the DiMeras. As for TP- who Stefano referred to as "him"- I have a sneaking suspicion that it is Andre. But, I am hoping beyond all hope that TP is John Black. Please, oh please, let the DiMera pawn come back! Assume that Marlena does go through with her offer and goes with Stefano to Italy. Wouldn't it be interesting if "John" came back just in time to save Marlena from Stefano? Of course, he'd look like John, but he wouldn't be John. Marlena would have to do the same dance Sami is having to do right now, between the man that she loves and a deal that she made, but I think that Marlena could pull it off much better than Sami.

Hot and Not

Hot- Max and Caroline. How cute were they? I loved that Caroline reminded Max that he needed to be with a girl who didn't depend on him all the time. (So true. All of the girls that Max has been involved with- Chelsea, Stephanie, Mimi, and Abby- had their fair share of baggage- death of a brother, near death of parents, death of a father, and threats from an aunt- respectively). But, I'm glad that at least one of the writers remembered that Max was part of the Brady family.

Not- Lucas and Kate. So, Kate cooked up a plot to split up Sami and EJ. Kate says that if they can convince Sami that the vendetta isn't over, Sami will leave EJ for not holding up his end of the bargain. Kate's plan is a great one- for Kate. But when Sami finds out that Lucas put the Bradys in danger to get what he wanted, she'll be hopping mad at Lucas. This plan is not to help Lucas, it is to help Kate. Kate will finally get what she's always wanted- Sami away from Lucas. I wish Lucas would see that.

Last Minute News

Line of the week: Max to Caroline- "Pop got the last good girl." All together now- Awwww!!!!

So that's the week in Salem. Who to you think "my nemisis" and "the patient" are? What will Stefano do when he learns that Marlena was one of the shooters? And, how do you think Bo and Hope will do in Cincinnati? Happy viewing! Laurisa