Speedy wrap-ups

Kate needs to stop hanging out with the DiMera boys. She really needs to pimp herself out one last time and use that money to buy a clue.

Happy belated Halloween! I hope everyone had a great, safe holiday! And now that you're stuffed with candy and can't move, it's time for a pop quiz! So put on your thinking caps and answer the following question: Does the title of this column pertain to:

A. A '70s cover band with a pension for Captain & Tennille tunes B. A team of quick acting superheroes C. The writers of Days

If you answered C, you are correct - and probably annoyed! Now, I try, in general, to look at the proverbial glass as half full, but this week it was empty. Why? Because I kept drinking the vodka in it hoping that my mind would warp enough to make sense of such a bizarre week.

Let's take a quick glance at all of the craziness before we dive in. Artemis and Demarquette were swiftly escorted out of Salem. Kate and E.J. carried out a foolish plot to shot up her car so Lucas would run back to Mommy Dearest. Sami, who just gave birth, to twins, decided flying to Santo Domingo was more important then taking her babies home from the hospital. Ford was revealed as the campus rapist. And, finally, everyone was threatening to use E.J. for target practice. For a show that can make a simple conversation span the course of a week, all of this "progress" nearly gave me whiplash.

Don't Let The Door Hit You ... (Nick, Chelsea, and the Wonder Boys)

Wow, ok, umm ... it took the hospital nearly a week and half worth of episodes to get back the DNA test results of Sami's babies which were supposed to take 24 hours, yet Chelsea was kidnapped, forced to stand on a bomb, rescued, and still had time to get all dolled up for a Halloween Party in a little less then two days. Oh, yah, and Artemis and Demarquette were reunited with their parents who faked their deaths, but are now safe because they received political asylum. Yes, it was that fast and the outcome was that Nick and Chelsea seem like they are getting back together again, to which I'm not holding my breath about, and the boys are going to live happily ever after. The end.

What a let down! The entire storyline could have been built up into something so much more. The writers once again dropped the ball. Think about it. Almost all of Salem could have gotten involved in such an "international" storyline. Nick is a Horton and most of the cops are Bradys so they would have teamed up to help out. Maybe even a suave, sophisticated, and, of course, handsome international agent could have flown in to help and coincidentally fell in love with poor Billie who really needs her very own storyline that doesn't involve college students. Julie Pinson is much too talented to waste - wake up writers!

Miss Me With Your Best Shot (Kate, E.J., and Lucas)

What can I really say about this except for - HA-HA! Like Wile E. Coyote setting a trap for the Road Runner, we know this isn't going to end well. Even Roman, a sometimes dense Salem cop, was skeptical about her story. Yet, for the time being, the wool was pulled over Lucas's eyes and Kate got what she wanted. However, I'm not sure who I feel worse for. She and E.J. for thinking this will actually work out or Lucas for once again falling for an ambush. We should start placing bets as to how long it will before the truth comes out and she's crushed by a cartoon boulder.

For A Quick Fix, Call 1-800-DIVORCE(Lucas, Sami, and E.J.)

Sometimes while I'm watching the E.J., Sami, and/or Lucas scenes I expect to see the Energizer Bunny stroll across the bottom of the screen as they tend to keep going and going and going, yet always conclude in the same old way. Lucas urges Sami not to marry Elvis, Sami declares she "has to," and E.J. smirks triumphantly. We get it writers, we get it.

Yet, aside from the repetitious dialogue, the story moved along quickly as Lucas and Sami went to Santo Domingo to get a divorce. Suspension of disbelief is very important for a soap watcher, but this was a little much even for avid fans. Writers take note: She just gave birth - to twins! Yet miraculously, Sami was ready for a quick flight to the islands and a romantic romp. On the flip, some of the scenes were very heartbreaking and all well acted by Bryan Dattilo and Alison Sweeney. They definitely get the gold star for their portrayals.

The other progress we had is that, shock, Little John/Johnny is E.J.'s son! Ok, not really a shock at all. I think most of us saw this coming from a mile away. All in all, it's a great twist and creates a lot of drama. And, let's face, that's the reason we watch the show. But, perhaps the worst part is that everyone is already ignoring the little girl! Two weeks later and she doesn't even have a name yet! Talk about a child called it.

Splitting Heirs(Stefano, E.J. and Kate)

Stefano stated, "I have a grandson after all." Umm, isn't Theo his grandson too? Just checking. Grandpa Stef and Daddy Elvis were all smiles over the DNA test results that Kate gave them. First, Kate needs to stop hanging out with the DiMera boys. For a women who has been a CEO of several companies and clever enough to go head to head with Victor time after time, she really needs to pimp herself out one last time and use that money to buy a clue. On the up side she did give the DiMeras a stern warning after Stefano revealed he will be raising his grandson and taking him to Italy. That warning: Sami can be dangerous when she's cornered, don't underestimate her. I love family friendly Sami, but it would be great to see her claws come out for a good cause!

Twisted Sisters(Dumb-Belle and Sami)

I'm very happy we didn't see much of Dumb-Belle last week. Honestly, this column would have to be rated R from all the words I'd love to use to describe her at the moment. I mean, sleeping with Philip? Really? Just plain dumb. But, I'll stop scratching my head for a moment and tell you what I did like when Ms. Black "came out" to Sami as an adulteress and garnered some sisterly advice. We had nearly twenty minutes in which Sami didn't talk about E.J. We had some good chat time between the sisters, ok, actually there were some pretty good lines exchanged and it's always refreshing to see family acting, well, like a family. Finally, Dumb-Belle's exit was pretty funny - just as Sami was about to start spewing excuses why she "has to" marry E.J., Dumb-Belle cut her off by giving her a quick hug, resisted the urge to roll her eyes, then ran out the door. She seems to be as over that excuse as the rest of us.

Ford's The Bad Guy? No Way!(The Prada Pack, Max and Ford)

I had such high hopes for Ford when he first showed up at The Cheatin' Hart. I even joked with a co-worker that he was like the love child of Nick and Jeremy. Whereas he came off a little dorky, like Nick, he also possessed some GQ style like Jeremy. Boy, was I wrong and disappointed. The guy is a complete creep! Well, I guess that makes him a little bit like Jeremy.

Aside from thinking the writers missed the mark, again, and wasted a younger male character unrelated to the Bradys/Hortons by making him a bad guy, I actually think this storyline is a tad rushed, but being well handled. It's nice to see the sorority girls rallying around one another. Chelsea getting in the face of that jerk who was reluctant to give up Ford's website address was proof enough. I said it before, but I think Chelsea is really starting to grow into a great character. It's nice to see the girls, well other then Stephanie, remembering that there are other things in life that are more important then their latest crushes.

Unfortunately, I think what everything is gearing up to is Stephanie's ominous flashbacks. Was she raped too? Is she just feeling guilty about messing around with a random guy at a party? Since we didn't see the guys face, is it someone we already know and will be "shocked" to find out she slept with? That, I don't know, but I have a feeling "Stephanie the Victim" will be about as annoying as "Stephanie the Whiner."

Ready, Aim ...(E.J. and most of Salem)

We're about one of Celeste's "very accurate" tarot card readings away from having the fact everyone wants to kill E.J. gag us to death from relentlessly being crammed down our throats. We get it - he's not well liked amongst the general population of Salem. They want him dead. It might be easier to list the people who haven't made threats against him over the last few months. That list would consist of ... err ... well, maybe some of the sorority girls who don't know him ... umm ... the person who paints Kate's fingernails different colors ... hmm ... ok, I'm spent. I would have added the babies who can't speak yet to this list, but I'm sure sooner or later little text bubbles will appear over their head stating "Lets off Elvis." So, yes, it looks like we're gearing up for a "whodunit." We get it. Surprisingly, I think the nastiest threat of them all came from Marlena! I haven't seen her so mean spirited since she was possessed by the devil.

Extra Scoops

Hot and Not

Hot: Ok, this is odd to be "hot," but I thought Sami's nightmare about her family being slaughtered was interesting in a downright creepy way! Mostly, and perhaps morbidly, I enjoyed that the sinister voice echoed out the names of some of the Bradys missing in action since the vendetta storyline began - most notably Kimberly. Cassie's name was there too! I also think it hissed Rex's name, but it also could have been saying Max. Not sure. What I am sure of was the star of her terrifying dream was none other then John! It was good to see him and makes me think, more so hope, that we might not have seen the last of him after all.

Not: I'm totally jealous of Chelsea! Why? Because I want a best friend like Stephanie. I want someone who I know will be there for me if I get abducted and relentless look for me until I'm found. Wait ... no, while her "BFF" went missing, what did Steph do? She went to a party then to her parent's house to complain about her love life. Nice. Very nice.

Line of the Week: "Oh. You came to me for good advice? You must be really hard up." Sami's response to Dumb-Belle when she showed up to discuss sleeping with Philip.

The Milk Carton:

Miss some of your favorite Days characters? Yah, me too! This section highlights a person (or persons) who needs the Salem P.D. to put out an A.P.B. for.

Abby Deveraux, where are you? It's quite natural for high school friends to fall out of touch when they go away to college, but in the age of emails and text messages you'd think former BFF's like her and Chelsea would check in with each other once in a while. I like Morgan, Cordy, and Carmen, but would have much rather seen their salaries go towards hiring a new Abby. At least that's one teen we automatically care about and also one who can date a Brady boy without messing up the family tree.

Parting Thoughts ...

Did anyone watch the Marlena's possession storyline on Soapnet? I managed to catch some of it and what a riot! The hairstyles alone were enough to keep me in stitches. All am I saying is that as bad as we think things are now, at least we're not dealing with really bad special effects and the devil!

So friends and Days fans, that's "Two Scoops" for the week of October 29th, and, as John Black would say, "That's a fact."

Thanks again! Tony