Friends in low places

There was not a new column this week, so instead, here's a look back at what was happening in Salem during the week of August 2, 2004.

Is our friend Stefano behind all the craziness in Salem and Pseudo Salem? It's so nice that the DAYS writers have their usual suspect to pull out whenever they need to shift blame. Since Stefano is currently living on the Bold & Beautiful under the alias of 'Massimo Marone', it's only a matter of time until the Powers That Be use their reciprocal agreement to bring the Big Man back for at least a cameo appearance. Joseph Mascola is a clever and lucky actor to have developed the Stefano character so thoroughly that most viewers would be livid if someone else tried to move in on his turf. Although it could happen - anything's possible on the soaps.

Are you going crazy, wondering what the heck is going on with the 'dead bodies' and the mysterious (and now deceased) mortician? Since Mr. Death plunged a scalpel into Marlena's chest just before she was buried, I'm figuring he knew a lot more than he said. Looks like we may never know his part in the plot, however, since he took the easy way out and somehow managed to have his files destroyed after his death. What a surprise! Just when it looks like the Salem constabulary might get close to finding a lead, the door slams shut on their collective noses. Back to the old drawing board for our enquiring minds!

I'd like to say that these new developments in the Island storyline have my interest piqued, but I'd be lying. My brain hurts. I'd rather be gardening. And the dog ate my thinking cap. I've had so many theories go belly up since this plot line started that I just can't be bothered. I have more important things to do with my curiousity, like figuring out why the entire world's quota of slugs are destroying my greenery.

I turned off on the Jan and Shawn hostage drama ages ago, and the only thing I question in their scenes together is why older, stronger Shawn is still getting creamed every time he tries to escape Jan's clutches. She's not that smart, although she's cunning in her craziness. And why Shawn can hear Belle and Philip's voices, but they can't hear him sceaming at the top of his lungs no longer phases me - selective deafness is a very old plot device. Please Mr. Writer, let Shawn retain some of his integrity, and let him out of the cage before I come in there and do it myself!

Could Sami's love life be any more annoying? I swear that girl doesn't deserve to ever find true happiness, she's just too busy allowing her temper to snap over every obstacle in love's way. Sooner or later, even the most determined lover would be happy to get out of that maze of paranoia and anger. Considering that Sami is the daughter of the town's psychiatrist, you would have thought that a diagnosis of borderline personality would have occurred to her mother, and that she'd have been prescribed the right meds. I can only dream of that day. Since Indiana Jack and Jen continue to stumble about the jungle falling over every obstacle, it's a good thing that Hope and Patrick are on their way. Someone has got to get to that accident prone duo with some bandaids and polysporin pronto! Unless Hope has to use up all the supplies before they find the twosome.

Leave it to Handy Roman to create an SOS beacon out of a few kid's toys and some batteries. This will definitely be a job for the Energizer Bunny. At least it keeps the zombies on Pseudo Salem from worrying about their fickle loved ones back home all the time. At the speed this story is moving, however, there's time for the bereaved to find someone to soothe their broken heart, marry, have children, and divorce before the Islanders get back to their former lives.

I've read that Chloe will be back on the show for a few appearances this summer, which explains why Nicole is ramping up her attempted seduction of the faithful Brady by feeding him ugly gossip about Chloe and some European tenor in OperaLand. It must be so odd for the actor and actress who play Nicole and Brady to do their scenes, since of course, they're married in real life. Great way to work out those relationship bugs!

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