Cue the flashbacks

Our columnist was ill this week, so there was not a new column. Instead, here's a look back at what was going on in Salem during the week of June 21, 2004.

Yee Haw! Somehow, everything that crazy Bonnie touches turns to brass eventually, so I'm not going to invest in her updated "Alice's Saloon." But as a marketing idea person, she does have the perfect common touch! Staid and stuffy Salem types are gulping down Pepto inducing hot sauce, chased with cold beer, and getting their bad selves down on the dance floor to rockin' country music. Somehow, the thought of Hope, that patrician beauty, hoofing it to "Red Necked Woman" tickles my funny bone. In fact, let's line up all the surviving female Salemites, and get them line dancing! Hey, if the American Idol hopefuls could do it ... Yes, I'll confess to smiling at the antics of Bonnie and her shirtless young bartenders. You have to admit, any other Salem female behaving like Bonnie would have to have been body-switched or under a magic spell to do the crazy, unabashedly sexual things she thinks to do. She's coarse, crass, chest fixated, and a hopeless luster after men, both young and old. Dare I say that there's a spirit in every woman that secretly whispers that she would love to throw off society's silken cords and dance like nobody's watching? Break out the bustiers, ladies, it's party time! I would like to call a moratorium on needlessly de-shirted males, however. In fact, I'm thinking of taking up a collection to buy a gross of muscle shirts, to be sent in assorted sizes to the male cast. I'm tired of uniformly perfect chests. Now I want to imagine what some of these guys would look like if I was the one removing the shirt! And frankly, I'll even take lusty Bonnie over the perils of Shawn Brady, whom Jan is slowly shaping to her will through imprisonment and brainwashing. Jan is certainly determined. She's like a Mountie - she's gonna get her man! Now she's swapping out his stylish baggies for male stripper clothing. Like Bonnie, she likes her men young and half naked. Well, heck, who doesn't? But I'm tired of the same old, and can't really buy Shawn being so helpless to nutty Jan. I want him to get free, get showered, get dressed and get out! Oh yeah - and get kicking butt. There are several butts that need a whoopin' right now, starting with Jan's, and Shawn looks better when he's mobile. Assuming Stockholm Syndrome doesn't set in, he should be back with his beloved Belle before Jan does the next load of shrink washing. What is Jen thinking, packing a bag and heading for the airport searching for Jack? She's about 40 months pregnant, a high risk pregnancy to boot, and yet is determined to find the presumed dead, organ donated, Jack. I'm with Julie and Mickey - Jen's cracking up. But this IS Salem we're talking about, stranger things have happened. After all the months of building up to the mysterious stranger who keeps telling Patrick to 'take care' of Jennifer, I've lost interest in who's after Jen, and become fascinated watching how long they'll take to drag this pregnancy to term. Should she wind up on the Island with Jack, will they have to off Lexie so that she can appear on the Island and deliver the baby? Unless Doctor Marlena has a 'critical neonatal' degree hanging around somewhere, the game is up for the kid! Speaking of the Island - let's not. All my guesses are used up. The dead are on the island, they're worried about their folks back home. They'll get on with it in their own time. Some bizarre excuse/reason will be found for their predicament. I'll read about it when it happens. 'Nuff said. So who's up for designing some outfits for the hunks of Salem? What would you like to see the guys wearing? My personal fantasy would be John Black in a white, terry cloth shortie bathrobe! See you in two weeks, Roxanne

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