Who let the Paul out? Who, who, who, who?!

Yippie-Yi-Yo! The stranded Salem Seven aren't havin' a ball on the island as Paul has "jungle madness!" Yes. THAT jungle madness! Plus, it's time to celebrate Salem's newest newly engaged couple -- Kate and Andre! Let's go berserk in this week's DAYS Two Scoops!

Disappointing news, DAYS fans. I wanted to open this week's column with a song. I had it all planned, even. I was going to form a barbershop quartet -- me; Harold; Yo Ling's brother, Mo Lang; and the "Bee Girl" from Blind Melon's "No Rain" video. Yep. It was all planned out.

Unfortunately, I couldn't afford to use Peggy Lee's "Fever" and rewrite it into "JungleMadness." All one word, and damnit, it would have worked. We were even set to whisper "JungleMadness" while throwing up some jazz hands. Try that once, you'll see what kind of fun was to be had. Alas, it's not going to happen. Harold is devastated. So...

Instead, let's just jump into the three-day nugget of a week. Most of the action centered around life on the Island of Misfit Salemites and their loved ones, back home, finding out about the missing plane. I was more excited by a week of DAYS -- even a short one -- where I didn't hear about Dead Dr. Dude once. No, really! Not even once. His name or "what he would do" wasn't even muttered...once. That was a bit priceless, but I digress...

Paul has -- and I'm not joking now -- jungle madness! Yes, that jungle madness. Like, holy Peter Blake, Batman! What a sweet retro twist to this silly pre-summer storyline. They even brought up good ol' bad Pete. That alone kind of makes me love the ridonculousness of this storyline, as I loved to hate that scoundrel. I still believe it's time for him to return to Salem, but, again, I digress.

So, Paul is freaking the freak out on the other castaways. He stabbed Eli. He bashed Gabi with a rock. And, boy, does he love his pocket knife. Like, don't even try to take away his precious.

Sonny, of course, is concerned and wants to reason with Paul. He also doesn't want the other islanders to shoot his boyfriend. Fair enough, but it might not work, as Paul's sweating up a storm and hears everything like the Charlie Brown kids hear adults. Guy is going nutso. And to his credit, Christopher Sean has been brilliant! The man can act, and I couldn't adore him more for making magic with this material. Really, if you don't have any expectations from this storyline, it's amazingly absurd.

When it boils down to it, am I worried about Paul? Nope. Not at all. He'll be fine. They'll be rescued sooner or later. Then Baby Holly will be laid on Paul's mosquito bite, and he'll be cleared of *whisper and jazz hands* JungleMadness.

Whoops! I said the oracular babe's name -- cue Enigma's "Sadeness (Part I)," grab some gold, and light up the frankincense and myrrh. I'll set up a makeshift shrine for Holly on the rock where Chad washed Gabi's hair. Say what? Yep, that happened...

I know it was meant to be a sweet, tender moment between Chad and Gabi, but the hair-washing shtick kind of reeked of Nicole sensually shaving Dr. Dude. That was not good. At all. I honestly don't have a preference between "Chabi" and "Chabby" at the moment, as the past months have made this triangle exasperating, but that certainly didn't do much to sway my vote in one direction or the other. It just made me think, "Damn, that looks uncomfortable."

Here's the big of it for me. In order to be fair, Chad needs some alone time to sort out his feelings. The entire Chad and Gabi being trapped together thingy got stale somewhere around the second or third abduction. And they didn't need any of that to create the atmosphere of mixed feelings...

As rushed as it was, they did fall in love. It was there. Salem is small enough for them to keep things awkward and smoldering. The meat lockers, freezers, super villain secret lairs, and islands are redundant, which isn't doing "Chabi" fans justice. Or making "Chabby" fans pause to think there might be something real between Chad and Gabi as these types of setups look like jokes at this point. It feels like a lot of forced silliness to create angst between two couples and three great characters. They deserve better.

Ultimately, there's an easy way to figure out which couple should win out in the end. Nicole can place Holly on a tree stump. If she sees her shadow, it's "Chabi" for the win, but if she doesn't, it's "Chabby." Yep. That baby is a miracle worker, so let's bring this debate to the holy diapered council and see what she will decree. #inHollywetrust

LOOSE ENDS: Sometimes I wonder: What are John's super secret ISA cases!? He always "has to" leave because of them, but I feel we never hear about them or their importance to any storyline. Someday, I hope he comes back to Salem and lays things out. Like John will tell us what happened to Tommy Horton Jr., Neil Curtis, and the Gemini Twins -- or if Don Craig ever mailed that letter. Ah, dare to dream!

And from "dreams" to "nightmares." Hi, Jade. That girl. She's crazier than Jungle Madness Paul. Like, she made a sex tape of her friends, thinking it would help Claire become a star and encourage them to become besties. One, that only makes me feel sadder that Tripp is hitching himself up to wacko wagon. Two, why would you want to see a sex tape of your friends, let alone make one for them? I love my pals, but I don't want to see their brown chicken, brown cow. No, thanks. Third, well, clearly this gal is a mess that needs to go away with, say, a writing regime change. Jade's more "Willow Stark" than "Jan Spears," and that's a no-win for viewers.

Sure, sure. Theo brought peace to the kingdom by shutting down the Julie vs. Valerie brewing battle. Good on him, but boo. I wanted to see where this would go, since Valerie wasn't playing as nice as she usually does. But, but, Theo's right, everyone should play nice and get along. Thhhaaaannnkkksss, Theo.

Oh, brother. Abigail mentioned a conversation with Grandma Laura. Stop. Stop right there. Grams is not the best advice giver, Abs. Remember how much fun you had in the attic? Exactly. We didn't, either.

Speaking of Abigail's decisions, Jennifer does not agree with her. She doesn't agree with her at all. I'm on Jennifer's side here. Maybe Abs should give Dario more than a "thank you" note, but being his bride is a big gesture of gratitude. Personally, I'd give Dario an Edible Arrangement and a few magazines so he had snacks and something to read while on his trip back to Mexico. But that's me. Dario's not my best friend. Anyways...

Part of me almost gets Abigail's choice right now. I suspect she needs something solid to cling to. Helping Dario is something she can control, unlike her feelings for Chad, his for her, or his for Gabi. It's warped logic stability, but at least we can all agree that Abigail raises the bar in favors to friends.

Also, and I apologize if this was addressed on the show, but I don't think it was, so -- aside from the fact D-Bag Dario is scamming Abs -- I wish she'd realize that by helping Dario, she's putting herself and Thomas in more danger. The guy's wanted by not one, but more than one Mexican drug cartel. More than one. Like several more than one. Shouldn't that be a red flag for Abigail? Again, send him an Edible Arrangement and call it a day, girl. You're better than this chump.

Ding, ding! Commish Raines certainly gets a pep in his step when Abigail is around. It's kind of nice the character has another note aside from grim Batman voice. Though I wouldn't mind if he and Jennifer would spend a little more time together, especially if Jennifer holds true and investigates the drug cartels after Dario. Raines and Jen could be an interesting duo.

I'm rooting for Hope! She made Myron squirm. She knows something's up. Dig, Detective Fancy Face. Dig! The quicker she makes Myron squeal like a pig, the quicker she can skewer Dario and send him to Statesville with Eduardo. Plus, save Abigail in the process. Yes and please.

Finally, Kate and Andre, eh? They're getting married so she can be a legit DiMera and run the company because he's been deemed a nut job by the board. The board's not wrong, but here's the thing. I love the "Jack and Karen" vibe they throw off with their banter and sinister yet seemingly genuine admiration for one another. I don't want that to be ruined by romantic feelings if this marriage is just a venue for them to become a couple-couple. If that's the case, pass. If they can remain their hilarious selves and be married, then I'll totally buy a ticket for this show.

HOT I have such a soft spot for Sonny and Gabi scenes! They're always brutally honest with each other, but you can tell it comes from a loving place (now). I totally smiled when she told him, "In my book, you can do anything." Damn right, girl. Like deliver a baby under duress in a cabin, which they also brought up. Aww! Warm, fuzzy memories. Um, their bond, not the duress in a cabin thingy, but, yay for Freddie and Camila's charming friend chemistry. More, please!

NOT Um, Sonny's stare of concern for Paul was a five-day cliffhanger!? That was kind of weak sauce. Actually, not "kind of." It was. Not well played, writers.

LINE(S) OF THE WEEK Kate (to Andre): "The truth is, the board doesn't trust you. They think you are -- these are not my words -- 'mentally unstable.'" Kate (to Andre; {later} after he speaks with the board in his special brand of Andreness): "A mentally stable response if I ever heard one."

RANDOM THOUGHTS So, this "island" has peaches, olives, lemon balm, and goats. It also has detailed journals of jungle madness and some guy named Kyle. Interesting. What's Greek for new Melaswen?

Was Chad really Stefano's favorite? Was he? What are your thoughts? Lexie kind of always seemed like the Gold Star standard to live up to.

Wow. Mr. Shin can be a bit of a jerkface, amIright?

I totally forgot, but I love the fact that Peter Blake is a common denominator between Chad and J.J. Well, sort of. Neither Chad nor J.J. ever met Peter, and I'm okay with that, but I totally want to be around when J.J. asks Jennifer all about him.

I really do hope Justin and Adrienne join John and Mar Mar on their rescue mission. That would be fun. They can even bring their checkerboard for in-flight entertainment.

On the rescue mission, Gabi, Chad, Sonny, Paul, and Lani could get onto J.J. and Eli's backs because, based on how hard they were shipping "Chabi," those two could cruise into Salem harbor within hours. There's that.

Hmm, with Chad gone, couldn't Abigail go for a piece of DiMera Enterprises via Thomas? That entire "I make the calls on his behalf until he's old enough" thingy. I repeat, "Hmm!"

Does J.J. walking around with a loaded gun in his pants make anyone else nervous? Dumb things just seem to happen to that guy. Be careful, J-Pat.

Really, though, where does Lucas live? Have we ever seen his place? In my mind, he's back at his Guilford Street apartment.

Memo to stranded islanders: Paul does not need help, people. Stop asking him. Or at least stop until he puts down the knife.

Abigail asked if Jenifer can keep a secret. Um. Does "Not-so-dead 'dead' daughter in the attic" ring a bell, Abs? Yes. Yes, she can.

Hope's "What!?" reaction to learning Abigail and Dario are planning to wed was everything.

Was I the only one who screamed, "Damnit, Pamela!" when John got that call from the ISA?

Also, I kind of want to meet ISA Pamela! Also-also, they need someone like Geena Davis to make that cameo.

I really enjoy the dynamics between Melissa Reeves and Marci Miller!

Island Sonny has E.J.'s occasional K.D. Lang "Constant Craving" era hairstyle.

Vanessa Williams completely crushed the moment when Valerie realized what Abe was trying to tell her about Eli and the missing plane. I got chills!

Dario and Julie should hang out. Think about it. They both love blaming others for things that are clearly not the blamee's fault.

When Sonny asked Paul, "What's with you and that knife?" I kind of laughed.

Hope and Abigail talked about Sonny's legendary piloting skills. You know who else had legendary piloting skills? Amelia Earhart.

Spoiler Talk: Now that Will is coming back, can his best friend, T, come back, too? I miss Brendan Coughlin.

Until I see Peter dead, Andre needs to stop saying Chad is his only surviving brother. Plus, we know Kristen dosed E.J. with a syringe full of goodness. Come on, DiMera men -- regroup!

PARTING THOUGHTS So, friends and fellow DAYS fans, that's Two Scoops for the week of June 12! Luckily, Laurisa received the jungle madness vaccine and will be back in action next week. And, "That's a fact!"

As always, thanks for reading! Tony

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