You're only ever who you were

Frumpy, dumpy, and fabulous! Susan Banks made a brief Salem cameo to warn her baby boy E.J. of wicked things coming his way. Does Susan really have 'the gift' or is she simply crazier than the writers who still think Dannifer works? You're just mean, mean, mean if you don't read this week's Two Scoops!

Okay. I needed that. I need a good laugh. And thanks to a hot mess with crooked teeth and whacky glasses, I got one. Actually, I got several. That's right. Susan Banks is back and brought it in spades. Let's discuss!

So, Ms. Thang came to Salem for one reason. Susan believed that E.J. is in danger. Part of me thought, girl, you should have gotten here about eight years ago. But the larger part of me simply loved seeing Susan again, and even after 14-plus years, Eileen Davidson didn't miss a beat creating Susan's offbeat persona. But I'm getting off the subject.

Susan returned to convince her sweet, sweet baby boy Elvis that he and the kids should return to England with her. That's he's in danger. That vampires live in Salem. Okay, she lost some credibility with a few of her talking points, but the moral of her story was simple. She's worried about E.J. The truth is, I am, too.

Casting spoilers aside, when things start going too well for a character it's only a matter of time before they'll go the exact opposite way. That is classic storytelling 101. And let's face it, E.J. had a good(ish) week, especially with Sami and the kids.

Despite having to clear up the mess that Kristen created for him, E.J. and Sami were pretty on point. They enjoyed a lot of charming banter and shared in a successful business meeting over chowder, and she even got to gush over how adorable his love for his mother is. Then EJami and the kids had a tickle fight. That will be filed under "Too Cute!" in the DAYS archives.

E.J. also managed to mend a fence with Nicole. After a lot of snark, they sort of agreed to wish each other happiness and move on. Even Victor and E.J. were civil to each other, you know, while doing some shady wheeling and dealing. So, yes. E.J.'s life is on an upswing. So, yes, he's doomed.

Right now, E.J. ranks high on at least four or five peoples, um, Poo List. Which, for E.J., is actually not too bad, all things considered. For starters, there's Kate. I think she's most upset about him and Sami reconciling because that leaves her the third wheel. Personally, I think she's just upset about no more breakfast pajama parties with Sami. Oh, wait. That's me. Point. Kate's upset with E.J. She's put him on notice that she isn't afraid to take him down. Ultimately, though, I really don't see Kate harming E.J. She has other things to worry about. Things like...

Clyde, Kate's wannabe country squeeze. Clyde is sort of creeping on Kate, and she seems to be splitting her time between co-CEOing, keeping Clyde on the side, and causing chaos for Jordan. In fact, Jordan called her a "colossal bitch." Sorry, Tammy Sue, but I think Kate proudly has that printed on her business cards. Nice try, though. Anyway! Kate is busy, but not Mr. Weston.

Clyde seems to have enough time on his hands to double-cross E.J., using Eej's own henchman to boot. He wants to move more "product" and make more money. Really, Clyde, who doesn't? Well, unfortunately, E.J. doesn't. He's happy with the status quo. Clyde is not. He wants to take him down and called him an arrogant SOB. Honestly, if Clyde is somehow involved with E.J.'s endgame, I'll be disappointed. It's an easy out for the writers (a disposable character as the culprit). Let's cross our fingers for something more exciting. Something like...

Stefano! He's upset with Eej, too. Stefano has even cut off his former golden boy's credit. I hope E.J. kept his receipt for the big honking ring he got Sami a few weeks ago. Love may be all he needs right now, but eating Ramen noodles every night because he's lost his money isn't exactly a one-way trip to happily ever after. The sodium will make him all bloaty, and no one wants to love that. Just putting that out there.

But also out there is just how pissed Stefano is. Kristen and Chad know firsthand, but it's leaking through Salem's sinister underbelly because Victor warned E.J. that Stefano is coming for him. And here I thought DiMera on DiMera crime was the worst!? Regardless, Stefano is mad, and you might as well lump Kristen and Chad into that group, too. E.J. has "wronged" them both, but methinks they'll let daddy clean up the mess. Gulp.

In the end, anyway it's spun, E.J. has enemies. Those enemies are riled up right now. And Susan has had a premonition. So, the writing may be scribbled on the wall with crayon, thanks to Susan, but it's on there, and it reads, "The end of E.J. DiMera is near." Double gulp (and boo)!

LOOSE ENDS: Okay, Hope. We have to talk. Pull up a chair and bring me some of those Andes mints. Don't be stingy. Now, I adore you. I know you're not afraid of chocolate, and I know you're rusty, but girl, don't open a date with talk about your ex. First dates are stressful enough. A first date that begins with a rehash of your lifelong, epic love story with an ex you filed for divorce from yesterday might cause a nervous breakdown for a guy. Just saying.

Ultimately, Hope and Aiden's date turned out flawed, but cute. They're actually downright adorable together. And the week ended with them holding pinkies in public. Again, downright adorable. I'm really enjoying their slow burn.

As such, Hope also got Victor's blessing when she told him (and Maggie) about the divorce. I was disappointed in Big Red's lack of chest-clutching, but I digress. As if I needed another reason to love Victor, he completely supported Hope's decision. He simply wants her to be happy. So much so that he went to Caroline to knock some sense into her. It worked. Caroline called Hope, and they hugged it out, too. I was happy we got those scenes.

On the flip side, I could have done without a lot of the Eve/J.J./Paige/Jennifer scenes. The nicest thing I can say is thank God for Marybeth Evans. I love her. She shines. And Kayla's presence is always welcomed. Aside from that, this fiasco is becoming a little redundant without any real storyline direction other than Eve doesn't like Paige's boyfriend's mom boyfriend.

And is it just me, or do the writers only seem to remember DAYS history correctly when it's used to bring up the worst part of Jack's character? I know Jack fans think it's sacrilegious to say he wasn't a saint, but he wasn't. Sorry, folks. He was flawed. He did rape Kayla, and he did abandon his family numerous times.

But -- and stop throwing cyber tomatoes at me and listen -- but Jack worked hard for redemption. Jack was a captivating, complicated character with a rich history and should be treated as such. I know that Jennifer is supposed to act as the voice of "redeemed Jack" and point out all his magical qualities, but that's a bad plan on the writers' part. Thanks to all the nauseating Dannifer back and forth, people aren't overly invested in what Jennifer has to say these days. So, it's really like sending one freshman cheerleader to the big playoffs -- she's there and cheering, but hardly anyone is noticing over the boom of everything else that's going on.

Speaking of freshmen, ah, yes! Paige is doing the old first semester freshman year internship. I remember those well! By "internships," I mean taking baggies full of cereal from the cafeteria, skipping classes I deemed "too early" to go to, and gaining fifteen pounds from ordering wings twice a week with my roommates. I don't want to say I was an overachiever then, but maybe. Just maybe.

And it's probably a good thing Ben and Abigail weren't trying to overachieve last week. They had a cute date, made love for the first time, and had some nice pillow talk, but it was all a little meh. If these two are going to be the other stable twenty-something couple along with "Wilson," they all need some excitement in their lives. Some action and adventure, perhaps. Maybe NuChad will provide that. Maybe.

Finally, he's officially back! I'm talking about John. John Black. He's up and, after a fancy flashback, uttered the words we've all waited months to hear, "It was Theresa." He remembers! And that's after Theresa threatened to "burn down" Dr. Dan and Dr. Dan decided to hear Kristen out. Okay gang. Let's do this! Entertain us because this is getting good better!

HOT All hail, Eileen Davidson! She stepped back into Susan's sensible shoes with ease and rocked my DAYS world. What a great blast from the past. I hope with Eileen in Salem for several more months we get to see Susan a time or two again. Fingers crossing in five, four, three...

NOT As much as I enjoyed Susan's visit, it was way too short! There were some things I wanted to see. One, and this was briefly brought up, I'm still dying to know how she turned the tables on Kristen all those years ago. Two, I wanted to see Susan with her grandchildren. And three, more Susan and E.J. would have been wonderful. We've never really gotten to see him around his mother. It was an interesting new dynamic, and I feel cheated the scenes were so brief. As I always say, "More, please!" LINE OF THE WEEK Susan: "Kris-tan." #stillhilariousafteralltheseyears

HONORABLE MENTIONS Susan (to E.J., regarding his marriage to Sami): "Yes. I heard about that. I've been thinking that, maybe, you know, that this evil I feel is going to besot you might have something to do with that spawn of Satan. Now, I'm sorry. I don't want to hurt your feelings, but, you know, she kinda is." Susan (to E.J., regarding her premonitions): "I cannot control my gift, honey." Maxine (to Susan after she asked for Dr. Marlena): "Are you a patient?"

EXCHANGE OF THE WEEK Susan: "Boy, how time flies, huh? It seems like just yesterday you were strapped to an electric chair, just waiting to fry for killing someone, huh" Sami: "Well, it was a lethal injection..."

RANDOM THOUGHTS One of the best reasons to celebrate Susan's return: the priceless looks on James Scott's face as he tried to hold it together during the Susan/E.J. scenes.

Oh, oh! Susan called E.J. her first-born baby. Does that mean E.J. has another half-sibling? A Banks/Crumb half-sibling!? Yes, please.

Susan may not be that unhip, after all. I've seen hipsters with those same glasses.

Susan and Marlena. Now there's a pair. I was glad that they got a scene together. I just wished it had involved their grandchildren because there's something fabulous about Mar and Susan's kin being part of the same gene pool.

Yes! It was a great nod that Susan brought up Celeste.

LOL @ Kristen calling Susan Stefano's baby mama.

I wonder how Edmund is doing?

I love that John still makes Susan swoon just a bit. It was hysterically adorkable that she checked herself out in the mirror before going to see him. Yep, you still got it, Ms. Banks. You still got it.

PARTING THOUGHTS So, friends and fellow DAYS fans, that's Two Scoops for the week of October 6! Do you believe Susan was right about E.J. being in danger? Tweet and let us know! In the meantime, Laurisa will be back on Monday, and, "That's a fact!"

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